Are you okay?

[darkpumpkin]

*Sigh* this is not really a huge issue, but I wonder why is it that two people in a relationship have to be constantly worried if the other one is "okay". It's like if we aren't are normal selves due to a bad day, just feeling blah, miffed about something else the other party asks over and over again. "are you okay? You don't seem okay".

 

Or

 

One acts paranoid about the other and vice versa. One is afraid to be hurt and told they are no longer loved and the other is afraid they will be cheated on.

 

I have posted a few times about this current boyfriend, all of these issues I have with him in my mind aren't huge they are just issues I come here to get a different perspective on and find a better way to deal with them then I already am.

[Excalibur]

"Are you okay" - is a question asked about someone individually if they're exhibiting signs of exhaustion, illness, depression.

 

If you are associating with them from the 'I want the best for you as you determine it to be"....and not the 'I want for me an "us' and so I need you to want "us" like i define it too"....you can ask "are you okay" - and it's all you mean.

 

If they were to say they didn't want a relationship with you anymore, you'd be sad, but not destroyed.

 

Teh "are you okay" that is so anxiously and repeatedly asked when the person you're with is not hyper, happy, cheerful, bubbly, charming, pursuant, or endearing - that's not the question of "are you okay"...as an individual.

 

It's "are we still a couple, am i still going to get what i want in life because you provide it to me in association".

 

That's the kid asking the parent "are you okay' - that has been promised that swimming is going to happen this afternoon...and the parent is sitting in the chair, not looking so chipper...and the kid is worried that he's not going to get to go swimming if the parent is too tired....so the kid is asking selfishly - are you okay" - if you say yes, it means we're going swimming, tha's all that really matters.

[darkpumpkin]

That makes sense, I'll ask him if his mood is extremly out of the ordinary but on the whole I'll just let him be what he is to be. With me he will ask I will say "nothing Im good" or "just tired". He will then ask about 4 more times and finally say, "are we ok?". Guess there is not much I can do to prevent that.

[Excalibur]

What you might try is inserting the obvious into the next conversation.

 

"Look, we relaly don't know one another on a daily interactive basis. All we've seen in dating is what has been put on as a show to impress and please one another. Ther'es going to be adjustments to make, and we're going to have to rely on ourselves to be true to our own nature, and be honest with each other. So I'm not going to go around asking you " are you okay' - when I really mean 'are you still happy living with me" - I'm going to ask more directly what I want an answer to. And I'd love if you were able to do the same. Sometimes I'm quiet, sometimes I'm moddy - sometimes I'm withdrawn, that's just who I am, it has nothing to do with you."

 

The reality is that if you'd dated for 2-3 years prior tto living together - you'd have experienced this person not trying to impress, please or placate you in a variety of situations. YOu'd have become more comfortable with the true nature of the person they are...rather than the picture of the person they portray themselves to be.

 

We all posture and pose at the beginning of association......over time, you won't do that as you interact in situations and circumstances where this person's beliefs or ethics are being reuqired to be acted on and rather than impress you with thier charm, while the waiter doesn't adjust the billl - they'll get more demanding and aggressive that the bill be adusted appropriately...when charm doesn't work.

 

And if you've seen that side of them in dating, then yo're less thinking that their responses to daily life are "becuase of/at/towards/about/regarding you" - they're not - you'd realize this is who they are - period.

[darkpumpkin]

I have told him that we are not used to each other and there will be times when we will not be at our best. In fact he said lets not ask each other if we are okay, we will just come forward with an issue.

 

The next day he asked me 6 times. LOL it's okay I guess I will just have to lead by example.

[DN]

I imagine that if one partner is constantly asking that it is because they are concerned that they are about to get dumped. It is sometimes important to let a partner know that you are not angry or upset with them when you are simply upset at something else.

 

But - if you have ever said "I'm fine" or "nothing's wrong" when in fact there is something they have done to upset you and you tell them the truth later - then you are the cause of that fear.

[Excalibur]

I have a question..when he says "areyou okay" - do you answer the question - and drop it. Or od you answer his question and then query it back to him "and are YOU okay?"

 

I'm sure part of his questioning is because he wasn't honest about the amount of debt he was in using the "but I didn't know how much debt I was in" line.

 

So he's in debt, he's relying on your income and involvement to make his debt go away, or reduce, or allow his lifstyle to continue as it is. He's wanting ot know if you're so mad that you're going to move out - because he's in debt, can't afford to take you anywhere, and so now thatthere is a "we" - you will have to go without new clothes, or outings, etc.

 

Basically, he knew that you were going ot make sacrifices and tolerances before you did...and he's just making sure that now that you know - you're okay with making them, whatever they are and to whatever extent they run.

[darkpumpkin]

No I answer the question and let him know the reason behind why I maybe stressed or tired or quiet. I do not respond back "are you okay". I did once as a joke but then he became very defensive and I haven't done it since. If there is an issue with him I directly tell him I never say "I'm fine".

[Excalibur]

there's a reason I asked the question.

 

People never look behind a door, unless they've stood there. Then over time they get paranoid if they've jumped out from behind the door in the hall often enough to scare people - that walking down the hall is going to result in someone jumping out an scaring them.

 

So people are generally asking you - what they have na issue with themselves.

 

When a parent asks a child a question..the child answers and doesn't question the parents right to ask the question, or query back at the parent the original question. Children answer to the authority of the question...with an answer ot the question.

 

In an adult relationship, in an objective mindset on both parts...hearing the question "are you okay' - would spark the awareness in the person hearing that question that the askwer is "not okay" - there is something wrong on their side - that is causing them to ask about you.

 

An insecure person is going to hear the "are you okay" as a question that is entirely about them......are you okay - they're likely to be gratified to be asked, thinking that the person askig is worried about, or concerned about them...and all they do is answer th question directly.

 

When yo said you queried him back once and he got defensive - that's because you consider yourself not his equality in authority in life..and he considers yu not equal to his authority either.

 

So when you questioned his authoroity...which is how he heard "all you okay" - he got defensive to make sure youdidn't question his authority again.

 

But in reality - anytime somenoe is asking the question, as a rule - it's because they have some issue that the question is directed at.

[darkpumpkin]

Can you re-state that a bit more simple for me. Are you saying when he asks me if I'm okay there is actually something not okay with him?

 

And no I don't ask him back because until he says something I assume he is okay. And I hate the game of "are you okay"-"yes I'm okay, are you okay?" When it goes on and on it gets annoying. If there is a problem I hope he will tell me because that is what I do with him. If he doesn't say something I assume he's good or there is something else on his mind that is not related to me.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

I think the "are you ok" ... is his insecurities sparking up .. - he senses something in your voice and wants to make sure its not him... or you aren't being distant because of something he did or didn't do.

 

Its just insecurities .... i think what he's really asking is .."are WE ok" .. or "are you ok with me"