I'm lost...need advice

[WhatHappened]

Hello everyone. I am new to these boards and have spent a little time reading but i'm feeling like I need some advice or encouragement for my personal situation.

 

I will apologize now for the novel.

 

So, I met my ex-wife at a job we worked together at when I was 19. Became friends, good friends over a years time. I lived on the East coast at the time, where I basically grew up. She had just moved out there about 3 year prior from the midwest. When I first met her, I thought she was nice as a friend, and ONLY a friend. Somehow, alcohol, time alone, we "hooked up". From there it became a relationship, but I kept telling myself it wasn't going to last, I wasn't really all that attracted to her. Long story short, 8 years later we were still together, married and expecting a child. Hence, "Whathappened???". I somehow lost me in that relationship and gave into many ultimatums that has now landed me in this most depressing & heart-wrenching situation that I am about to explain.

 

About 8 years ago, I started working for another company (still on the East Coast). At that time I met a woman that was just absolutely stunning. I immediately felt something, something that I still cannot explain. I was dating my future wife at the time, and she was dating her future husband at the time. We playfully flirted and I used to make reasons up to go to her desk & come to find out, vice versa. If anyone watches "The Office", we were Jim & Pam. Looking back, I think I have been in love with this woman for a very long time but never had the guts to say something to her prior to her getting married, which then I followed suit.

 

Well, my marriage has been in shambles since day one. I don't think I ever really loved my wife, I think I may have just settled. I know that's a terrible thing to do, but I was just to weak to stand up and say something, and fearful of hurting her. At about a year into our marraige I got the ultimatum to have a baby (she was with-holding sex for months at a time). In the heat of the moment, I gave in. We now have the most beautiful son I could of ever asked for. Soon after, we decided that living on the East coast was too expensive for us to be able to afford a house for our new family, and we were about to head south to NC. Well, her father got diagnosed with Cancer, and she wanted to go home (the upper frigid boring as hell midwest). I reluctantly agreed, but I cannot cast blame on her. WE made the decision, which in hindsight was a bad one. We thought her family would be more supportive, have a good environment for our son to be around. Well not so much. SO, after 2 years of counseling, I finally had enough of living a lie. I asked for a divorce, I knew my heart was not in this and could not keep dragging her & my son along. I only wish I was that strong 8-10 years ago. Although, I will NEVER apologize for our beautiful son. He is my heart. Our divorce is final this week. I live in the house for now, fixing it up to sell...etc.

 

My "friend" from work that I met 8 years prior, stayed on the East Coast and has & is still married although it is and has not been good for awhile apparently. We remained in touch throughout the years & have become good friends. I could never get her out of my mind. I would try, say to myself I am married, she is married, it's over. It never seemed to work. I have been attracted to her in so many ways, feelings I have NEVER felt before. After I made things known with my ex-wife that things were over, I decided it was fess up time. I told my "friend" of my feelings then, and now & asked if it was just me. She responded that she has felt the same way but was to afraid to say anything then, and well, is married now but in a terrible marraige. They have been through counseling 3 times. I know I am/have crossed a line but I felt that she is my true love.

 

SO, I am now in the middle of nowhere with an ex-wife & child (she has custody). I love my child so much, and it hurts me to even write that I have seriously thought and have made up my mind that I cannot live here. I am miserable in this environment. I don't fit in to well, my core is much different than the people that live here. I don't find it easy to meet people or friends here, especially when they ask where I am from. When I tell them, the wall goes up and the defense is on. I am in love with this woman back home, and she has told me the same. She is working on her "situation" because she is truly unhappy. We have discussed that this was not a decision made so we could be together, even though that looks to be the case. The individual decisions were for us, and if things don't work out with us, we'd be ok with that. Although, I truly in my heart know how I feel for this woman & feel that things will work wonderfully. Only time will tell.

 

So, I guess I am really confused on what to do. I feel so great in one aspect, the love of my life...loves me. But the other side is, I may have to leave my child to have that love. He is only 3 yrs old, and I hate to think about all the things I would miss. Can somebody please maybe relate somehow to this, or give me some advice. I can take constructive criticism, but please be respectful. I am still pretty upset over things. I've had a few good cries this week, and well I thought maybe someone out there could help out a stranger in need. Thank you if you read this all, and decided to post a response.

 

Sincerely,

Lost in the Midwest

[thejigsup]

Hey, I've lived in the Mid West before, I know what you are talking about. Everyone raves about Chicago and Detroit. Blah. Next to the West or East coasts, they are soooo boring! And the weather is miserable about 70% of the time also. Still, your son needs his dad, but he needs a HAPPY dad. Move and see your son holidays and summers. Many people do this. Kids survive this better than having a parent who resents being where they are. Kids are smart and he will one day realize that you are staying in the armpit of the world just because of him and then he will have tons of guilt. Get a good lawyer and work lthis out. Please don't rush into things with the other woman. You have never dated or lived with her. She may turn out to be not-so-great for you as well.

[Aardvarks need love too]

Man, I feel for you. I know it must be torture living in this environment. I may be young but I know that its a painful thing to be so far removed for the thing in this world that makes you happiest. I am sorry to say this, but you can't just think of yourself. Jig said it perfectly that your son needs a happy father, but I spent 3 years of my life without my father. from 6th thru 8th grade, at the time I didn't care but when i saw him again in 9th grade and so on, I was so removed from him that I never really recovered. I still have not forgiven him for leaving us when I needed him the most. Girls, school, fitting in, all of that stuff, a son needs his father for. And to think that my dad left to be happy with his new wife while he left me with someone he himself could not stand is, sadly, unforgivable.

 

Is that something you could deal with? A son that would feel that way towards you? I think if it were possible you should see about joint custody, probably not possible, but, as you know, you can't just think of yourself. Your son is a part of you too and deserves your love and care.

 

I think you have some time as it is. Until your true Love gets out of her relationship, which you should not interfere with anymore until after it is over, you have some time to figure out what should be done. be there for your TL long distance until you are sure that she is open for you and only you. You don't want to go to her while she is in a marriage and then you are the one being strung along until she feels like ending it, meanwhile your poor son is father less.

 

I don't mean to be mean, I truly feel sorry and its good that you haven't just decided to leave and go back to the east coast. You'll make the right decision.

 

Good Luck man!

[lostandhurt]

First of all, You and the other women need to finish what you started before you can be together in any way shape or form. It sounds like you have the paperwork done but not the heartwork done. I could say you are being selfish to consider leaving your son for a women you think you know but I won't. You have to decide if you are being selfish and putting your wants before your son's needs.

Let's say you leave your son behind and start a life with the other women but you start to resent your choice and you take it out even a little on your new love and she starts feeling guilty for being with you. These are choices that will affect not only you but so many people and children not to mention her husband that probably has no idea you are waiting in the wings.

The fact that this bothers you so much means you are a good person but it sounds like you are trying to justify your actions before you actually do them.

 

Let your your new love finish her business first while you try and figure the best way to be a father to your son and be happy at the same time. If you do that you and your love can start from a good place and take your time to really get to know each other.

good luck

lostandhurt

[WhatHappened]

Thanks for the advice. I may of left a few things out in my original post. I have decided to stick in the midwest to get things wrapped up here. I have a house to sell. I have a job that I can transfer nationally, so if things work out I can do that easily. I also know that my TL has her business to take care of. I have decided that once that is finished then a long distance relationship is where we would start (and I have discussed this all with her). My divorce is final, paperwork, ex lives in a new apartment with my son pretty close by so I can see him regularly. She (TL) on the other hand has a longer road, and I realize this. So staying here awhile is the best option for all parties. At least it's summer

 

As for leaving my son, I'd never truly leave him. My parents divorced when I was eight, and my father took off for 3 years as well. It was an ugly divorce with child support fights...blah blah. So he left, and it took me 15 years to confront him on it. We are really good now, but it was a series of hard conversations. I wasn't able to see him, talk to him, didn't even know where he was. I WON'T DO THAT to my son. My ex is a good person, she is reasonable, and the divorce was not ugly. He will be part of my life, no matter how far away I might be. I know that I hate where I live. I am lonely here, no friends, no family, no support. The ex doesn't even like it here. She plans to move to NC in the next few years (before he starts school). SO I truly will have nothing here. I guess I just wanted to hear other views on my situation, because my greatest fear is my son will hate me for leaving, although like I said I will never truly leave him due to my childhood experiences & love for him. I also hope he wouldn't blame my TL, but well that's just something I have no control over. Anyway, all thoughts and opinions are very much appreciated.

 

BTW-where I live isn't so bad for family's, if you have a good circle of friends it wouldn't be to terrible. BUT, yes the weather SUX!!! Winter is like 8 months long....boooooo! It's not for me, nor the ex apparently. I miss home...

[dqueen]

You know, situations like these are very tough when children are involved. Is TL going to divorce her husband or are they trying to fix their marriage (since you mentioned the counseling)? I think pursuing her while she is married is going to land you in trouble so it's better to wait once she is single again. Doing the long-distance thing would be a great thing for you both...you can date each other and you can still be with your son. You never know what the future holds...it all may seen crazy and hectic now but things might actually fall in place for you. good luck!

[WhatHappened]

She is getting a divorce. And yes, I agree I don't feel good about myself pursing someone who is married. I guess the only reason I said something was due to the fact that I knew she was very unhappy, and I felt that we had something. "All is fair in love & war" seems to come to mind. I will be taking my time, as she will need it i'm sure. Distance is actually a good thing in this situation I think.

[dqueen]

Sounds like you know what you're doing! I really hope it works out for you.