Over a Month, Still Obsessed

[GeorgeC]

UPDATE: She broke NC after about two months, please scroll down to read the latest developments.

 

Hi folks,

 

First time poster, but I've been lurking around for some time and saw that this is a pretty friendly community that doesn't mind when people sometimes post just to get stuff off their chest. So with that in mind, here goes...

 

On April 23, I broke up with the woman I've been dating for the last 3 years. That's right - for once in a while, I'm the dumper, not the dumpee). Now, to give you some idea as to why it happened, I was upset over the fact that

 

a) She wasn't spending enough time with me

b) She was occasionally rude to me - and no, not just during the special time of the month!

c) I never felt like I'm an integral or important part of her life

 

The way it ended was quite simple - we agreed to have a sleepover at her place over the weekend. It was originally her idea a month ago, but every time we scheduled it for each weekend in between, she always cancelled it to go out with her friends to a nightclub. On that note, I should say that I always avoided going clubbing with her because she drinks like there's no tomorrow and does all sorts of crazy stuff when she's completely wasted - and, let's face it, no boyfriend enjoys watching his girlfriend get drunk and act cheap.

 

So, anyway, this was the fourth time she canceled our plan sleepover, all on the grounds that she's going out. As was the case with three other times, she canceled literally at the last minute - at midnight, she told me to be at her place in half an hour, and half an hour later - when I called to confirm - she told me she's going out.

 

I snapped and we had an argument over it, during which she accused me of trying to prevent her from having fun and tried to weasel her way out of the promise she made it. I got angry and told her not to expect me to bring her any stuff for when she'll be nursing the hangover the next day.

 

So far doesn't seem so bad, right? But it gets worse. On Tuesday, she called me for the first time since our Saturday argument - asking me to help her out quickly with some stuff for her work. Now, I usually help her, but this time I told her that after the way she treated me, I'm not going to help her any longer until she addresses the issue. She indirectly threatened me - by saying something along the lines "Are you SURE you're not going to help me? Is that your final decision?" and eventually we agreed that I'll help her and in return we'll meed on Wednesday evening to discuss what happened. I should note that there was no word of apology or anything like that during that conversation.

 

So, along comes Wednesday evening - I call her to ask when we're meeting up and she tells me she woke up at 5:30 and is too tired. I tell her that we did agree to meet up and I expect her to keep her end of the bargain (over the last two years, I had stayed up until 5am helping her with her studies - her MBA degree is as much her accomplishment as it is mine). And then she started swearing at me, saying something along the lines of "Why the f*** do you f***ing think I f***ing want to discuss this f***ing sh*t f****ing now, I'm f***ing tired, I woke up at f***ing 5:30 and I'm not going to f***ing meet with you. Bye, ciao". And with that, she hang up the phone.

 

And at that point, I just snapped and sent her a short text telling her that while I love her more than she can imagine, I can't let her continue treating me like sh*t and am thereforeeee breaking up with her. I apologized for doing it by SMS rather than in person. And that was it.

 

She hadn't contacted me for about two and a half weeks. Then she suddenly added me on Facebook and poke me (you know, that silly Facebook poke feature). Now, this sounds dandy, right? Unfortunately for me, during that time, I was still checking her e-mail - something I shouldn't have done - and on that day discovered pictures of her from 2006 (we were already together at the time), half-kissing a male childhood friend of hers. I snapped and sent her an SMS accusing her of cheating on me (she did look like she was kissing him) and asking her how she could do that and then go on to use my help for two years.

 

Her reaction was to block me on Facebook, change her e-mail passwords and not to contact me again.

 

Obviously, I felt very bad about what I did. On the one hand, she had no right to keep this kind of stuff secret from me. On the other hand, I did violate her trust by accessing her e-mail account with the password she gave me while we were still together. And I certainly should have given her the benefit of doubt.

 

Anyway, I left her a letter several days later telling her that I'm really sorry for the way I broke her trust. However, I also acknowledged that she hurt me a great deal and told her that I felt very used and neglected. Basically, I was really there for her - whether it meant studying with her until 5am, bringing some laundry chemicals to her house or dropping everything to help her out with something - and I just didn't feel it was reciprocated. Having written all of that, I told her that I'm willing to give it a second chance, if we both make changes.

 

I ended by saying that if I don't hear back from her, I will assume that she's not interested and move on with my life and won't contact her again.

 

And that's how it's been for the 3 weeks since I left that fateful letter in her mailbox. Some of her friends did add me on Facebook - including her brother's girlfriend, who is like a sister to her.

 

Problem is, in spite of all the crap she had put me through, I love her still, and I can't stop hoping that one day she'll turn around, apologize and maybe we can sort this thing out somehow. I strongly suspect she's dating another guy right now - a very good friend of hers (not sure if it's a rebound or not - I know the guy is crazy about her). My 25th birthday is coming up in two weeks, so I'm kind of putting a lot of hope on her contacting me on that day.

 

By the way, in spite of us both being in our 20s, we were never sexually intimate - which I found rather odd, considering that she's had a few boyfriends before so she's got nothing to hesitate about. On the other hand, there was a lot of talk about how much I was the love of her life, I was introduced to her mother and her brother's sister - and her brother as well (the male side of her family generally frowns on her boyfriends, so I thought it meant something).

 

So, that's it - any ideas? From what I can gather, she didn't cheat on me after all back in 2006.

 

Sorry for the VERY long post.

 

George

 

EDIT: Just typing all of this out and really getting it off my chest made me feel a lot better... Thanks, eNotAlone!

[PushingDaisies]

Im sorry you are going through this

 

I completely understand that you want her back, having been there myself. But I dont think she is worth it. I think you could do a lot better than her. Im sure her personality was nice but the person you painted in your post just doesnt sound deserving of a guy like you.

 

I tell you, I would give anything to have a guy who would look after me when I was nursing a hangover (not that I drink, but Im guessing the same applies for when she is ill?) and a guy who would help me with my studies, and a guy who would drop everything to come help me. And if I had this guy, I wouldnt be willing to let him go. I would reciprocate, and I would want to see him all the time.

 

But unfortunately she didnt seem to see it like that. She blew you off multiple times to go out with friends - when you had organised this previously. She expected you to come when she beckened but wouldnt drop everything for you. And she hasnt come back to you.

 

Im sorry to be harsh but I think you should move on. Give up this girl, she is a waste of your valuable time. One day you will meet a girl who wants to spend as much time with you as you do with her.

 

Keep healing yourself. Stay in NC. You are the most important person now, work on making your life what you want it to be.

 

Good luck, hope this helped

[karvala]

I'm sorry you had to go through that; it's an all-too-common picture, to the extent that when you added at the end that there had been no sexual intimacy, I wasn't even slightly surprised.

 

It's a certain type of personality, or combination of personalities, and a certain relationship dynamic, that happens in these situations, and which results in what can only be described as sustained emotional abuse. It is centred around two things: (1) her lack of respect for you, and in this sense it can be cited as an instance of "nice guy" syndrome; (2) her internal emotional/psychological problems, which are very real.

 

Your relationship was a very clearcut case of bullying and fear. She bullied you into helping her, using you when she needed to, dropping you when she didn't, and you reacted always from a place of fear that the relationship would end, until eventually you couldn't take it anymore. Even now, though, I suspect you regret ending it and not being with her, and would go back to what you had, even knowing how it was.

 

What should you do? Well honestly, the best thing you could do would be to assign her to history. It is probably never going to work between you, even with the best will on both sides, and the chances that there will ever be a sustained period of goodwill from her is pretty much minimal.

 

Why didn't it work? Because above all, she needs control and she respects strength. With you, while you did things for her that any reasonable person would be grateful for, each time you did, she was reminded of her dependence on you, and lack of total control that goes with that, and resentment towards you grew. While you wanted to be the dependable island in the storm, in her eyes you were the guy who held her to ransom by being useful but exacting a relationship from her as a price for that. Add to that you being the guy who, in her eyes, was not strong enough to stand up to her (until the end, when the dynamic was set in concrete and it was far too late), and would in an attavistic sense not be strong enough to defend her when she needed it, and you end up with exactly the behaviour that you describe. As to her cheating, whether or not she did, her behaviour and personality is such that it would actually not be at all surprising, so don't give her an automatic pass on that until you're certain.

 

If you can, let her go. At the very least, it will reclaim some dignity and possibly some respect at the very end. If you're determined to try and make it work again instead, it must start with total goodwill on your side, but a firm understanding on both sides of how things need to be, which is very different to how they have been. I wish you the best, whatever you decide.

[GeorgeC]

@PushingDasies

 

Thanks a lot for the kind words! Honestly, just blurting everything out on this forum seems to have made things a lot easier - and clearer. Interestingly enough, you're not the first person to say that I deserve someone better than her; and while I don't meant to get carried away and ring my own bell (after all, her friends were probably telling her the same thing when she told them I broke up with her), I think, considering how much I've done for her, that you're right.

 

@Karvala,

It's interesting you should say that - about a year ago, we had a conversation with her and she remarked that what she likes in her men is someone who will say "No" to her in such a way that would make her listen. She also said that she likes to occasionally fight in her relationships, and I once overheard her saying to a friend of hers that a man who simply carries out fulfilling each and every single one of his woman's whims is, in her eyes, somewhat of a doormat that you can wipe your shoes on but can't take seriously.

 

All in all, I think you got her psychology just right - quite scary, really!

 

Like I said, I think you're both right when you suggest that I move on and get her out of my head (somehow, after posting here, it doesn't seem like such an impossibility after all). I guess if she were to call me back now and offers to get back together, I'd consider it - but on terms she'd probably never accept (no hidden relationship, respect for me, allocating time for me, etc).

 

Thanks a lot!

[zeevegal]

She sounds like a really bad person. But she is the type to keep provoking you and seeing how much you will take. Then feel sorry later. She is a loser and you should find somebody better.

 

I believe there is a person out there who will love each and everyone of us the way we need to be loved.

[GeorgeC]

********UPDATE********

 

I just saw her at the bus stop next to my office talking to a lady. I stood on the corner and lit a cigarette, so that I was standing right ahead of her, about 5 meters away.

 

I didn't wave or anything, just stood there for about a minute and looked at her (openly, I must admit). I think she noticed me, but didn't initiate contact either or acknowledge my presense. I saw her eyes dart towards me a few times and she appeared to focus really hard on talking to the person she was with - it looked as if she was trying desperately hard to pretend she didn't notice me.

 

Anyway, my hands are shaking right now and I'm in a bit of a flux, since that's the first time I saw her since I broke up with her on April 23.

 

My 25th birthday is coming up on June 14 so I'm really tempted to set it as the cut-off date. If she doesn't get in touch with me by then, I firmly put her out of my mind and move on.

 

I have met a woman who catches my fancy (in fact, I first met her when I was dating my ex, but I distanced myself from her when I realized I was strongly attracted towards her), but she's 29 so I'm not sure how - if at all - it can work out, considering that she probably has rather different objectives in life (e.g., starting a family).

 

Any ideas?

[GeorgeC]

******UPDATE******

 

She broke NC!!!!!!

 

In the evening after seeing me, I suddenly got a text message from her as follows:

 

"Did you start smoking again?"

 

I quit smoking in January (four month before the April break-up) and was pretty thrilled about that. She must've seen me smoking when I was standing there looking at her.

 

My response (half an hour later):

 

"Yeah... In fact, I'm having one right now! I'm hoping to quit again on my 25th birthday, but doubt it will happen. Gives me a reason to take breaks at work!"

 

The anatomy of my response is as follows:

 

- Smiley face to demonstrate that it's a friendly text and I'm cheerful about responding to her

- Reference to my 25th birthday to remind her that it's coming (in fact, it's in a bit over a week from now), thereforeee suggesting that as an opportunity for her to contact me again

- Breaks at work - I saw her while taking a cigarette break, so it was a reference to that

 

Since then, it's now been 3 hours and she hasn't responded.

 

Thoughts/ideas?

 

George

[GeorgeC]

Morning come and gone - so 12 hours since I texted her back... And no news... I'm starting to worry if maybe I said something wrong in my previous message that she misinterpreted as a sign that I'm not interested?

[Priphea]

Morning come and gone - so 12 hours since I texted her back... And no news... I'm starting to worry if maybe I said something wrong in my previous message that she misinterpreted as a sign that I'm not interested?

 

Your text doesn't really open itself up to being answered. Maybe her itch for talking to you was scratched only by you answering?

 

Sounds like NC just needs to be resumed.

[GeorgeC]

Your text doesn't really open itself up to being answered. Maybe her itch for talking to you was scratched only by you answering?

 

If that's true, any way I can follow up with my yesterday's text with something that's more "open to being answering"?

[Priphea]

If that's true, any way I can follow up with my yesterday's text with something that's more "open to being answering"?

 

You could, but shouldn't you just go back to NC and let her miss you? Crawling back to her isn't very dignified.

[GeorgeC]

You could, but shouldn't you just go back to NC and let her miss you? Crawling back to her isn't very dignified.

 

Well, the thing is, she did break NC without any prompting from my end, so I feel that a limited form of contact here would be justified in light of the circumstances - or am I wrong?

 

EDIT: To clarify, I think at this point I'm wondering about the following:

 

1) Is it normal that having broken NC first she will now go on for almost 24 hours without texting me back?

2) Did I say anything in my text to her that could in any manner be interpreted as an indication that I'm not interested in resuming communication?

[Priphea]

Well, the thing is, she did break NC without any prompting from my end, so I feel that a limited form of contact here would be justified in light of the circumstances - or am I wrong?

 

EDIT: To clarify, I think at this point I'm wondering about the following:

 

1) Is it normal that having broken NC first she will now go on for almost 24 hours without texting me back?

2) Did I say anything in my text to her that could in any manner be interpreted as an indication that I'm not interested in resuming communication?

 

 

1) Sure. She was just saying hello.

2) No, but she probably doesn't care.

 

Resume NC and stop fretting about it.

[GeorgeC]

1) Sure. She was just saying hello.

2) No, but she probably doesn't care.

 

Resume NC and stop fretting about it.

 

Well, that's a real bummer, then, because I was under the impression that usually ex breaking NC without any prompting from your side is a good sign.

 

However, I think I can see where you're coming from regarding NC; what I'm considering doing at this point is to resume NC and not to contact her unless she contacts me again - and if she does, we'll see where - if anywhere - it goes.

 

Thoughts?

[IMAbadman]

The dumper breaking NC is a good thing and I think you handled your respone great. But what your really after is the dumper breaking NC again and again. You want the dumper to ask more and more questions. You threw the bird some seed, the trick is to get the bird to eat from your hand.

[GeorgeC]

The dumper breaking NC is a good thing and I think you handled your respone great. But what your really after is the dumper breaking NC again and again. You want the dumper to ask more and more questions. You threw the bird some seed, the trick is to get the bird to eat from your hand.

 

To clarify, I'm the dumper not the dumpee... Long story short, she really didn't treat me nice at all while we were together. Call me a sucker for punishment, but if I see sincere remorse in her and genuine willingness to give it another try and do things differently this time, I'd go for it.

 

With that said, would you still stick to your original idea of letting her get back to me and NC'ing until then?

 

Thanks, folks, you really are a helpful bunch!!!

 

George

[bepositive]

The dumper breaking NC is a good thing and I think you handled your respone great. But what your really after is the dumper breaking NC again and again. You want the dumper to ask more and more questions. You threw the bird some seed, the trick is to get the bird to eat from your hand.

 

Agreed. My ex broke NC to check on me 1.5 weeks after the breakup. I returned her call to say I was doing well, even though it was a nervous and akward call for both of us. Now, it's been 2.5 more weeks since that call and she hasn't broken NC again which is disappointing, but I have to wait it out. (She's also in a rebound relationship, so I have to let that take its course.)

[GeorgeC]

Agreed. My ex broke NC to check on me 1.5 weeks after the breakup. I returned her call to say I was doing well, even though it was a nervous and akward call for both of us. Now, it's been 2.5 more weeks since that call and she hasn't broken NC again which is disappointing, but I have to wait it out. (She's also in a rebound relationship, so I have to let that take its course.)

 

Bepositive, thanks a lot for your feedback - does it still apply if I'm the dumper and she's the dumpee? That's how it worked out in our relationship...

[IMAbadman]

I'm sorry I didn't understand the roles were reversed and you are the dumper.

 

Personally I'd wait. Does she know what ended the relationship? Has she expressed remorse for her actions?

 

I think I'd wait. She shouldn't need to beg or plead but I would want a acknowledgement of issues (yours and her's) and commitment to work through them.

[GeorgeC]

I'm sorry I didn't understand the roles were reversed and you are the dumper.

 

Personally I'd wait. Does she know what ended the relationship? Has she expressed remorse for her actions?

 

I think I'd wait. She shouldn't need to beg or plead but I would want a acknowledgement of issues (yours and her's) and commitment to work through them.

 

Well, we never had an opportunity to talk things through because I didn't execute the break-up face to face... And before you jump to conclusions, it was a case where she treated me so poorly that at the time she was literally the last person on earth I wanted to see or be with.

 

Several weeks later, I wrote her a letter explaining how she made me feel during the relationship, so I think she has some idea as to why we broke up; however, I'd be lying if I said that I made the reasons 100% crystal-clear.

 

With that said, I strongly suspect she knows them seeing as she did cause some of them herself - and her psychological profile (described on the first page of this thread) would suggest that, at least on some level, she was aware of what she was doing.

 

And don't ask me why I want her back after all of this, I don't really know... Guess I'm a sucker when it comes to giving people second chances! ;-)

[IMAbadman]

I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide to do.

[karvala]

To clarify, I'm the dumper not the dumpee... Long story short, she really didn't treat me nice at all while we were together. Call me a sucker for punishment, but if I see sincere remorse in her and genuine willingness to give it another try and do things differently this time, I'd go for it.

 

With that said, would you still stick to your original idea of letting her get back to me and NC'ing until then?

 

Thanks, folks, you really are a helpful bunch!!!

 

George

 

If she was sincerely remorseful and genuinely willing to give it another try and do things differently, she would start by contacting you properly and wanting to talk about it. Until she does that, you can assume that her sporadic nonchalant contact is just another attempt to play the control game, to see if she can hook you and reel you back in. If you give in, it will simply undermine your credibility, and make the next time (and there'll be a next time) that much harder.

 

I do understand the strong desire to do something, to move the situation on in some way, but any action you take now is an automatic loser, because what she needs is to see that you're no longer under her control, that you can carry on without her for as long as it takes, and any attempt by you to resolve the situation tells her that she's still in control.

 

Resume NC.

[GeorgeC]

I was secretly hoping you'd reply to this thread, Karvala. Your advice, as always, is invaluable.

 

NC resumed until further contact from her effective immediately!

[GeorgeC]

******UPDATE******

 

She never returned the SMS I sent her; however, I did bump into her completely accidentally (again!) earlier today.

 

I was walking down a street not far from where she lives and saw her heading in the opposite direction past me. We were about 1.5m-2m apart and the street was completely empty, so it would've been childish at best to pretend we didn't notice each other.

 

She was holding a note in her hand and she seemed pretty intent on reading it; in fact, she was focusing on it so much that it almost seemed she was trying to pretend she wasn't seeing me!

 

So, anyway, since she did break NC a few days ago and since the street was completely empty, I walked past her and said "Hi." To which she replied in a rather cold voice "Hi" and kept walking without so much as glancing at me.

 

To me, this is really weird - she broke NC first, didn't get back to me, pretended not to see me on an empty street a meter away from her and didn't even bother smiling or at least being polite with her "Hi".

 

On reading this, I realize what I just wrote sounds a bit childish, but this sort of confused messages is really starting to bug me. Can we have some clarity here, please? What's she playing at?

[karvala]

She's playing at being a victim and taking the opportunity to express her dissatisfaction at the situation without openly communicating it. She's waiting for you to give in and crawl back, and any pressure she thinks she can apply to aid that, she will.