He emailed me...should I break NC and email back?

[KaylaJoy]

I'm almost at 30 days of NC with John, my most recent ex. This is the one who I turned down the marriage proposal with, not because I didn't love him, but for a myriad of reasons, one being I didn't love him enough, and felt like I still had feelings for my ex before him, Mark. Also, John had been married 3 times already, and I didn't feel like it was appropriate. So I turned him down for marriage, but didn't stop caring deeply for him. He, however, basically said if I wouldn't marry him, he would find someone who would. And 11 weeks later he was engaged to the woman he swore to me he'd never date if she was the last woman on earth.

So yesterday I get a text from him. Today I check my emails and I also got an email from him yesterday. First one in months. The last real email he sent me was the one where he got upset because I questioned his love for me if he could have gotten engaged so fast to someone else, and he told me to "kiss his big fat hairy butt".

So my NC has been self imposed in that I stopped checking his and hers MySpace accounts, almost 30 days ago.

Now he has sent me an email, thanking me for the sympathy card ( a very generic one, I might add) for when his dad was killed a few weeks ago, and telling me his internet was back up, and just making small talk.

The thing is, I have really MISSED his friendship lately. I've missed just knowing he cared about me. He was a wonderful boyfriend while we were dating. He just got shoddy when I refused to marry him.

So I'm wondering if I should just email him back, tell him I don't want to talk about the new fiancee, but that I did think about him and miss him. Because I really do. Or should I leave it alone and continue to try healing alone?

There is so much going on in my life right now, and I miss his shoulder. I'm missing him, and I'm also dealing with the insensitivity and jerkiness of my ex before him, who just happens to be the guy I still love for some crazy reason, plus on top of that, my son's father is in the hospital on life support, and it's touch and go with him. (We haven't been a couple in years though...but still...he's my son's father, and I care about him for that reason...)

I feel SO wrung out emotionally...I want to be happy, and it seems at every turn I see something that makes me cry over one of them...either remembering something my son's father did that was silly, and in the next breath praying that God doesn't let him die, or remembering what a sweet boyfriend, and how caring John was, or remembering how passionate Mark's kisses were, and how badly I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him....so many things, and all I really want is to just find happiness and peace within my self, and I don't even know where to begin.

[dqueen]

Wow Kayla, I remember reading your posts in the NC Challenge thread and you were really struggling. I don't think you have really healed enough yet and it's probably for the best for you to stick to NC until you KNOW what you want to do. He's engaged to the other woman now and is perhaps looking for friendship with you. Is that what you want? What do YOU want? Give it a couple of days...think it over carefully and don't rush. If you respond now, you might say something and regret it later. Trust me, I know!

[musashi]

Tough one, Kayla. I can only imagine the rollercoaster your heart must be taking with all that is going on. However, if your intent to reply is to rekindle something you are longing for right now, I would suggest to rethink. You know it is probably going to set you back. You are in a vulnerable spot so be careful.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Try to be strong and not contact him. I remember your story and I don't think he is really what you need right now...you have enough going on and this will add to your confusion. He is engaged to someone else....don't get mixed up in that and use him as a shoulder to cry on. That will just backfire on you as the new woman in his life starts getting upset about it. This man was no good for you, realize that you only want to reach out to him because you are at a low point in your life...not because you want to reach out to him per se. You just feel you need someone familiar. Do you have other friends you can reach out to. Perhaps some support groups?

[KaylaJoy]

Actually, you guys are my support group right now. I have been posting many thoughts on here, and it's helped a lot. I am hurting right now, and I guess I am looking for a shoulder, a familiar shoulder....Mark claims to be one of my best friends, but he is no where around, hasn't even called to see if my son's father is OK, so I've sorta written him off for now. He's in a weird place in his life, and is not able to be a friend to me right now; I hate it, it hurts and sucks, but I can't change that. But John was the one who was always there...we started out as friends, he helped me thru my breakup with Mark, and then it blossomed into more. I know now me getting romantically involved with John was a rebound thing, because I wasn't over Mark. But I came to care deeply for John, and I feel very vulnerable right now. I think he could hurt me very deeply if I wasn't careful.

The thing is I feel so alone right now in all this. I know I am never alone, because I know that God walks with me. But emotionally I feel alone, and the three men who have been most important to me in my life, are in one way or another tearing my heart apart.

I want nothing more than to email or call John and tell him what's going on with me, with my son's dad. The old John would have cared, cried, called 10 times just to make sure I was OK. The new John is engaged, and the last time I spoke with him was very distant and emotionally detached, and it tore me apart. So if I reach out to him, how do I know he won't be the same? Or that he won't be with her? He can't be the friend to me ever again that he was, the rock that I leaned on, and I don't know that I can deal with anything less than that memory right now, so I suppose NC is probably still the way to go for me.

For the record, I am usually not a drama queen. I am very independent, very proud, take care of myself kinda gal. I work hard, support myself and my son, and take care of my house, my yard, etc etc. I hate drama, and confrontations, and the whole 9. I just wish I had someone to care about ME today...someone who could be MY rock today. Everyone thinks because I'm always so strong, that I'm tough, and can handle whatever. But they don't see inside this tough, independent single mom, is a lonely, hurting, vulnerable girl who really just wants a shoulder to lean on, a hand to hold now and then. And it all just hurts right now.

[peacehippy]

Heck no! I mean you have come this far and I feel that for both of your sakes you should just let it pass. Its hard, and it will probably get harder but I encourage you to give it more time and really think about it. If you must write, make it simple and short with no room for confusion or misconception.........

[peacehippy]

ohhh, and since you are a spiritual person I encourage you to give everything your going through to God because only he can bless you with a sense of inner peace. You have to truly let go of these relationships and give God a chance to work in your life and you will be blessed ten fold. Since breaking up with my ex, although not the same situation, my only option was to give all control to God because I can't get through it and fiqure it out on my own. My journey so far has been rough but at the same time so rewarding. I hope that whatever you decide you know that God will be with you always and you are never alone. I hope this brings you a sense of peace

[KaylaJoy]

thank you, yes I know that of all who've lived, Jesus knows what it's like to be lonely, and I did spend some time in prayer today. I have no answers either, except to pray, and I know that's the best answer for me. I spent some time with Mark's mom this evening at her home (he is out of town) and we didn't really talk about Mark at all, but it was nice just to spend some time with her, but at the same time it was bittersweet. I'm still in NC with him, but yet I've thought about him all day long. My girlfriend thinks I ought to give him what for, tell him exactly how I feel about the way he's treating me, ignoring me, being rude, etc. She says I shouldn't let him get by with it. So today I replayed in my mind what all I would say to him if I could, and truth is, I don't think it think it would be a good idea...you can't make someone love you, or even be a good friend to you...if it's there, it's there, if it's not, it's not. These are not isolated actions, he's been this way for quite a while, and I just didn't see the writing on the wall before. I think it would be stupid of me to go there.

 

As for John, I don't think I will reply to his email. You all are right, I have made it almost 30 days, haven't checked his MySpace page once, haven't answered any of the texts he's sent...I miss him, I really do, and it may get harder before it gets better, but I truly feel like there's no place in his life now for me, and I'm not at a point where I can be comfortable with being buddies with him and her.

[prettyhate]

i just read all this and you seem exceptionally strong just from your writing but i think with some other posts you are not 100% healed

some days i hate nc and other days its a blessing u are doing so well

[KaylaJoy]

i just read all this and you seem exceptionally strong just from your writing but i think with some other posts you are not 100% healed

some days i hate nc and other days its a blessing u are doing so well

 

definitely not 100% healed! Probably not even even 70% healed! But I'm a work in progress. I had two really bad dreams about both these guys last night, and with both of them I woke up thinking that my path most assuredly must be away from these toxic men right now. Maybe forever, I don't know....

[mluu01]

im sorry kayla. hang in there...you have a lot of things going on in your head right now. just try and think clearly and logically and just know that everything will work out in the end...as hard as it is to believe.

[KaylaJoy]

im sorry kayla. hang in there...you have a lot of things going on in your head right now. just try and think clearly and logically and just know that everything will work out in the end...as hard as it is to believe.

 

thank you...I'm trusting in that...