How do I act around ex I still have feelings for tomorrow? Advice PLEASE!

[Suzanne1281]

I just need some tips and pointers on how to act around my ex tomorrow. We will see each other at a mutual friend's event (we have a lot of mutual friends). I hadn't heard from him in two weeks except for maybe two texts and assumed he went back to his ex or found someone new. I got texts from him last night-one asking me to come over. (I didn't). However, we were friendly with the texting so terms aren't bad. But I need to know the following:

 

-How do I act in general as I do still have feelings for him?

 

-If he asks me how I'm doing, what I'm doing-what do I say?

 

-If he asks me what's wrong what do I say? (I try my best to look happy but he can ALWAYS tell when I'm upset) I mean, I am still very emotional about our whole situation and we never really "talked" about it. Futhermore, how do I resist the major URGE to talk about what happened?

 

IMPORTANT: If he does want to "talk about it" PLEASE tell me how I go about it? Do I get to bring everything up that happened? Do I make it clear I still have feelings for him? Do I ask him what his intentions are? I REALLY need to know how to act if this happens!!!! If he acts like a "boyfriend" again without discussing it (which he has before), do I say, wait we need to talk first?

 

I know people will tell me to act just as if he's an acquaintance-be cordial, but that's it. But really, from people who have been through this and then have to deal with the aftermath of seeing the ex, how did you act and how did you control your emotions? I unfortunately do still have the hope that it will work out between us someday, but most definitely do not want to give the impression that I'm chasing him. He has to want me. How do you act so that it feels like you have the upper hand and he knows I'm in control of me?

[Nixee]

Well first of all... I'm guessing he broke up with you originally since it seems like you have been the one feeling hurt and struggling to regain the upper hand?

 

If you want to get the upper hand, probably the most important thing you can do is not seem too desperate, needy or clingy. It is ok to be honest if he wants to talk I think...and if he asks if you still have feelings for him, there is no sense in lying and telling him "no", because that is just game-playing.

 

If you are worried that he will act overly comfortable around you... as if you are already back together, then I'd see nothing wrong with being up front with him and just telling him, "I feel kind of uncomfortable with this, and I think maybe we need to talk about some things... would that be ok?" Just try not to come of whiney or pouty, but rather strong and sure of yourself. If you know what you want, hopefully he will be able to respect that... even be attracted to it.

 

But probably most important of all - people break up and are exes for a reason. Have things changed? Do you think he has changed?

[Suzanne1281]

Thank you for the advice!

 

I think I may have come off too needy the first time we saw each other after he broke thigns off (it was a very vague break-up-he said he still had feelings for his ex, but had feelings for me, I told him I'd give him space to sort his head out and if he came to the conclusion he wanted to be with me and I was available,then we could see how things would go). So the first time, yes I was a bit whiney. I try to stay NC with him b/c if he wants me, he knows how to get a hold of me.

 

I think if he does do something like ask me to come home with him, I'd take the opportunity to talk with him. Except, I don't want him to think I tricked him into havign a "talk" with me by going home with him.

 

Has he changed? I have no idea what's going on in his head right now. He needs to change before anything would work out between us-not as a person, but he's definitely got some issues with knowing what he wants right now and I can't get caught up in the middle of it.

 

So-if he does something like ask me to come home (which he has before), do I stop him right there and say, "Well, we would have things to talk about first." ? I don't know how to go about it without seeming overbearing or "pushing" him back into a relationship.

 

It's so hard b/c I want to be with him and its' hard to say no if he wants to spend the night together...but I don't know how to go about having a conversation with him without seeming like I'm pushing him.

[Nixee]

Has he changed? I have no idea what's going on in his head right now. He needs to change before anything would work out between us-not as a person, but he's definitely got some issues with knowing what he wants right now and I can't get caught up in the middle of it.

 

This is good that you know this.. that you are aware of this, and this is probably one of the most important things you can let him know when and if it comes down to it.

 

The thing is, if he does ask you to come home with him... I can see how you are concerned about seeming "overbearing" or "pushing him into a relationship".... yet at the same time.... if he is unwilling to simply talk to you about your concerns and your needs and just wants to fall right into bed with you again... can you see how unfair that is? Shouldn't your needs be important as well?

 

Neither one of you should be a doormat for the other one... that is what being on even ground is about. That is what self-respect is about.

 

Chances are you will feel immediate gratification just to be with him in a physical sense... but it will only be lasting if you are able to really tell him what you need to say, and say it gently and with conviction and no ill will.

[Suzanne1281]

The thing is, if he does ask you to come home with him... I can see how you are concerned about seeming "overbearing" or "pushing him into a relationship".... yet at the same time.... if he is unwilling to simply talk to you about your concerns and your needs and just wants to fall right into bed with you again... can you see how unfair that is? Shouldn't your needs be important as well?

 

Absolutely-I want him to talk to me about this. But how I go about it is the tricky part. How do I not seem overbearing but at the same time say, listen, there's some talking that needs to be done. I know I may come right out and say "We neeeed to talk."

 

Chances are you will feel immediate gratification just to be with him in a physical sense... but it will only be lasting if you are able to really tell him what you need to say, and say it gently and with conviction and no ill will.

 

I have definitely already gone through this the hard way with him. It feels good when I'm with him but then he'll drop me off the next day and I go back to being miserable because nothing was resolved. We have soooo much that needs to be talked about and I know how to do it gently and lovingly. I have before. But I can just imagine myself sitting there again in his bed, trying to have these conversations and things getting blurted out the wrong way.

 

It's unfair that I ask anyone for this, but I wish I could just have a step by step to go by. Especially in a.) the scenario that he asks me to come home with him and b.) if I do go home with him---how do I initiate anything without the overbearing, whiney, pushy aspect which will push him away?

 

Furthermore, I REALLY want to talk...even get into the things I know I did wrong in the relationship..which I've had time to discover in my time away from him. Things like, I didn't communicate enough and I had my guard up so high in the beginning of our relationshp b/c I was so afraid of getting hurt again.

[Nixee]

Absolutely-I want him to talk to me about this. But how I go about it is the tricky part. How do I not seem overbearing but at the same time say, listen, there's some talking that needs to be done. I know I may come right out and say "We neeeed to talk."

 

A deep breath never does any harm. What you said just there didn't sound too bad - "I think there is some talking that needs to happen maybe"

 

Just remember some of the cardinal rules: "I" statements instead of "you" statements.... don't make him feel cornered or nagged or beat up over things, just tell him how you are feeling and what issues you have and what needs exist.

 

 

I have definitely already gone through this the hard way with him. It feels good when I'm with him but then he'll drop me off the next day and I go back to being miserable because nothing was resolved. We have soooo much that needs to be talked about and I know how to do it gently and lovingly. I have before. But I can just imagine myself sitting there again in his bed, trying to have these conversations and things getting blurted out the wrong way.

 

It's unfair that I ask anyone for this, but I wish I could just have a step by step to go by. Especially in a.) the scenario that he asks me to come home with him and b.) if I do go home with him---how do I initiate anything without the overbearing, whiney, pushy aspect which will push him away?

 

If you can, you might consider sitting down before you see him and calmly writing out your feelings beforehand, so you will have your thoughts in order and know what it is you are most wanting to say to him... and perhaps more importantly - you will get to read over it and pick out what things you think might sound "pushy" or "whiney".

 

Do you truly think you are overbearing and whiney with him when you talk, or are you just so afraid of it now because you really don't want to ruin this potential chance with him? You said you know how to be loving and gentle... but maybe you just get too worked up and blurt things out sometimes?

 

In a case like that I would definitely argue for having some thoughts written out beforehand maybe.

 

I wish I could give you a step-by-step guide... but sadly, I just don't think there is one. You already seem to be conscientious and pretty self-aware though, and I think that is a good thing you have going for you.

[Suzanne1281]

I think I am going to do exactly that. Write everything out and organize myself before tomorrow night. I notice that when I wrote an angry e-mail to him once (that I thankfully did NOT send), I went back and read it a few days later and was able to pick out what I never would say.

 

By the way, it was definitely right of me to NOT go over there last night when he told me to come over right? Two weeks with barely any talking and then just a random invitation to come over probably isn't the best thing to say yes to?

[Nixee]

I think I am going to do exactly that. Write everything out and organize myself before tomorrow night. I notice that when I wrote an angry e-mail to him once (that I thankfully did NOT send), I went back and read it a few days later and was able to pick out what I never would say.

 

By the way, it was definitely right of me to NOT go over there last night when he told me to come over right? Two weeks with barely any talking and then just a random invitation to come over probably isn't the best thing to say yes to?

 

I think it was probably the right thing to do, yeah. Being at his beck and call shows over-eagerness, and you don't want that, right?

 

I think it is good that you two will be meeting on neutral ground.. hopefull you will be able to get some good communication going

 

Good luck writing your thoughts out!