Feeling confused about bf's past

[Violetta6]

Hi there...I'm new to this forum and just wanted some advice. My bf and I have been together for only a few months and not long after being together he told me that he has had sex with quite a lot of men.....obviously I was flawed by this as it was very unexpected. I have many gay friends and I don't have a problem with homosexuality/bisexuality BUT what I don't understand is that my bf doesn't consider himself to be bisexual. My argument is that if he has sex with men and women he is bisexual...he says he doesn't find men attractive and it's purely a physical thing and he would never have a r/ship with a man so he's not bisexual. What I'm worried about is that he will want to be with men again in the future. He says I have nothing to worry about because he loves me and I may as well be just as worried about him being with another woman as I am about him being with another man...cos he loves me and doesn't want anyone else. I'm fairly conservative and I just don't understand it....I guess I'm just not that open. Thing is it wasn't just experimental...he was seeking it....it happened quite a few times and I recently accidentally found bisexual porn on his computer and asked him about it. He answered saying "I've explained to you about my beliefs on this and you don't understand so I'm not going to explain again"... the thing is I just don't understand! He says its been a couple of years since he was with a guy and he hasn't enjoyed it the last few times....I guess I just want to know if this is a "common" thing or should I be cautious? He has given me no reason to question his love and committment to me and I know he would'nt cheat on me...he's just not that kind of guy...but I have to admit that I don't really like the thought of him having sex with another man...but I love him so I guess his past is his past and I am trying to accept that but I still feel a little uncomfortable. Should I be freaked out or do I just accept that he's been there done that and now he just wants me? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

V

[agent1607307371]

He has given me no reason to question his love and committment to me and I know he would'nt cheat on me...

 

Thats all you need to know.

 

His past is his, you can freak out and be uncomfortable all you want, but it isn't changing.

Many people class their sexuality as who they would have relationships with, so he isn't lying when he says he isn't bi. He can identify how he likes.

 

I don't know how common it is but I don't think it's something to worry about.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

It sounds to me like he is still halfway in the closet. There are plenty of men who try to squash their homosexual tendencies in order to "fit in with the mainstream"...so they will get themselves a wife, have themselves some children and play happy families, all the while harboring this secret of being gay. I know someone who is involved in this charade but I am sure his wife was fully aware of it even before they got married...I suspect that their marriage is a business arrangement and I also suspect there is indeed a man on the sidelines. I also believe others in the circle have figured it out as well. It is very sad because guys like that are not being true to themselves and ultimately the children end up getting hurt when they realize the score. There was a political figure in the US who was publicly outed. He had a wife and children. Your partner is indeed bisexual...as much as he tries to deny it, he is what he is. Heterosexual men simply do not have multiple sexual liaisons with men. Trust your instincts on this, not what he claims. He is in denial himself. If you can handle it then stick with him, if you can't then time to let him go. In a case like this, the past is not simply the past. If he is wired this way he won't be able to keep it suppressed forever.

[novaseeker]

Your BF is at least bisexual. Whether he is gay or not would only be apparent over the long term based on the quality of your own sex life (which is generally where it turns up, because it's very hard for a gay man to fake frequent, passionate straight sex over the long term). However, if he's had quite a few sexual liasons with men, he's at least bisexual.

 

I can understand his confusion. Although I did not have many sexual liasons with men (or, in fact, any, before I was divorced), the idea of sex with men was intriguing for me. I did not consider myself bisexual because I did not find men very attractive visually (still don't) or particularly engaging emotionally (that's changed a bit since having my first same sex relationships after my divorce). What I didn't understand at the time is that there are quite a few bisexual people who are attracted to each gender in quite different ways -- maybe more sexually to one, more emotionally to another, more visually to the first or the second or the same, etc. I had the idea that I could only be bi if I was as visually attracted to men as I was to women -- but that was a flawed assumption on my part. I came to accept that my mainly sexual and somewhat emotional attraction to men made me bisexual even though women turn my head ten times as much as men do.

 

So my guess is that your BF is in denial because he is confused. Although there are gay men who deliberately deceive, almost none of them ever admit to any liasons with men at all -- kind of undermines the intent to deceive, because most women don't find bisexuality in their male mates a particularly desirable or sexy characteristic to say the very least. So my guess is that he is in fact bi, but confused because his visual attraction doesn't match his sexual needs that well.

[Jacanorie]

I feel strongly that sexuality isn't just about sex. It's about love and attraction. It's a slippery slope and a very fluid scale. You can't class someone else truly because you don't know everything they feel. If he says he's not bi then leave it at that. It's not a perfect science. If you know he won't cheat on you and he loves you, then why worry? Why not just leave him be? Go with it, make sure he knows you're there to support him and you love him no matter what.

 

Good luck. =)

[Violetta6]

I thank you for your responses..the thing that doesn't make sense is that in the past he has slept with A LOT of women (again something I'm not so comfortable with) and he certainly loves sex and is a VERY good sexual partner...the physical connection between us is amazing so I can guarantee that he is enjoying sex and so far this has not changed at all. It's funny but his ex girlfriend is bi and she told me that she has NEVER seen him so in love and she thinks that I have NOTHING to worry about. I should add at this point that we are now apart and having a long distance r/ship (for only 12 more weeks) and I gave him the chance to break up to "be free" to do as he pleases while we are apart because being such a sexual person I didn't think he could last the time without, but he wouldn't hear a word of it..he says he wants me and me only and I believe him...he just isn't a cheater..he is too open and upfront and I just believe that he's not like that...He contacts me everyday and is even suggesting that I am the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with...despite everything I have said..is it possible that sometimes people do just meet "the one" and thats it...or am I being romantic now?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

My bf and I have been together for only a few months and not long after being together he told me that he has had sex with quite a lot of men...

 

I recently accidentally found bisexual porn on his computer

 

Denial may be a river that flows through Egypt but it is also what is majorly going on here. You have only been seeing him a few months and he is supposedly so madly in love with you. He is a highly sexual person and can do it with both women and men...even recently he had bisexual porn on his computer....and one of his ex girlfriends is bi...and she is the one trying to convince you that she has never seen this man so in love. Well, if she is bi then she understands the societal pressures..so she is basically trying to support him since she understands where he is coming from on swinging both ways. Is it really love he is feeling or the newness of a new sexual encounter. If he is that highly sexual then all this talk of love could really be the newness talking. I know you want to believe he loves you, but I really don't think he is in a position to love anybody until he can come out of denial. While he may not be the type to cheat, that is irrelevant to what the real issues are here...his denial of his sexual orientation.

[Violetta6]

I hear what you are saying but if he was just interested in sexual encounters why wouldn't he just go overseas and keep having sexual encounters? He hasn't had a relationship for quite a while so if he was enjoying the sexual encounters so much I think he would have just kept behaving that way....why commit himself to a relationship and put himself in a situation where he's not going to get any sex for quite a while.....he also didnt have to tell me about any of his past but he wanted to so that he had no secrets and believe me I didn't take it well and I'm sure he knew thats how I was going to react so why would he bother if he didn't care?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

It is entirely possible that he doesn't want to deal with the health risks of having sex with a multitude of partners.

 

My comments are not meant to imply that he is dishonest...clearly he told you about his past so that there are no secrets...however, what I am saying that he seems to be in denial about himself. Look at what you wrote:

I recently accidentally found bisexual porn on his computer and asked him about it. He answered saying "I've explained to you about my beliefs on this and you don't understand so I'm not going to explain again"... the thing is I just don't understand!

 

He couldn't answer why he had the bisexual porn so he simply twisted the answer into a non-answer...turned it back around on you. Notice how he didn't say that he was just curious. A heterosexual person who may look at bisexual porn, would probably say they were just curious. This guy, who has a history of having sex with men, avoided answering and instead tried to make you seem like you were impertinent and out of line for asking. He can deny it to the world, but in the privacy of his mind he is very likely bisexual. A famous bisexual, David Bowie, has been married to women and is currently married to the model, Imam. Freddie Mercury was another famous bisexual who had a 6 year relationship with a woman. How old is your boyfriend.

[Violetta6]

He's 26...

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Lots of homosexuals/bisexuals at that age have not yet come to terms with it...even people much older sometimes don't and thereforeeee keep it hidden from the world..especially when they are concerned about a public persona.

[agent1607307371]

He loves you, he likes porn. He uses porn, he wants you.

 

Just because he's had homo and hetero encounters in the past doesn't mean that he's using you for a beard. Bi people (whether they use that label or not) are capable of love and fidelity, regardless of how many people want to paint us as sl@ts or not out yet.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Agent, I mean no disrespect to bisexuals and I certainly never meant to imply that they can't be faithful....but it seems to me in the OPs case that there are a lot of red flags and the OP is not comfortable with the situation. While it may be fine for you and your partners, not everyone is comfortable in that kind of situation....the OP clearly has reservations, and the partner is not being open enough about it. He is not just viewing porn, he is viewing bisexual porn AND has had sexual encounters with men...the issue is not about him potentially cheating, the issue is about him being in denial...he clearly does have both a heterosexual AND homosexual side to him and he is trying to pretend that the homosexual side of him does not exist. This is where the problem lies.

[agent1607307371]

He isn't though. If he were trying to forget it, he would just never have brought it up. If he were trying to hide it, he would have cleared up his computer history better.

 

It's not up to tell us what he is, because in his mind he's straight. We can't force a label someone doesn't feel fits them.

 

For me, his reticence to talk about it isn't coming from a place of trying to hide it, it's coming from a place of just not wanting to have to explain it over and over again. That's not actually a fun place to be. Add to the fact that he's probably picked up on the fact that the OP is squicked by it and he's probably just trying to minimise it.

 

As much as I hate to say it, but if the sexes were reversed in this post everyone would be telling the OP that he was just experimenting and not to worry too much about it.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Actually, no I wouldn't be saying anything different if the sexes were reversed. I also don't buy the fact that he simply didn't want to explain it over and over again. This is a man who claims to be in love after only a few months..this is a man whose last relationship was with someone who is bi...someone who walks a similar path. There are way too many things going on here that just don't add up.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Taken from link removed: link removed

 

Bisexual: An individual who engages in both heterosexual and homosexual sexual relations. Bisexual can also refer to the corresponding lifestyle.

 

Taken from Merriam Webster Dictionary: link removed

 

Bisexual: relating to, or characterized by a tendency to direct sexual desire toward both sexes

 

Here is some other information that might be helpful to you:

link removed

 

One of the things they state is "Bisexuality isn't about WHOM you sleep with, it's about HOW you feel; so a good rule of thumb in defining your sexual identity is not what you've done, but what you'd like to do."

 

I will say however, that there are two people in this relationship, so while he may not consider himself bi even though he has had sexual relations with many men and gets turned on by bisexual porn, you have to consider YOUR comfort level. For example, in heterosexual relationships, if someone has been into swinging or S&M and still views that kind of pornography, the partner would have to decide if he/she is comfortable being with someone who had displayed those preferences in the past and still shows interest in it by viewing porn of that nature.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

How one person views themself may not be how another person views them. There has been a lot of controversy on this forum about the number of partners (in heterosexual relationships). While one person may not view themselves as promiscuous because they have had X number of partners, another person may indeed view that person as promiscuous and might be really bothered enough not to be in a relationship with that person. It has nothing to do with fidelity, it has to do with comfort level and perspective.

 

So while the OP's guy may view himself as straight, someone else may think differently.

[pianoguy]

Any relationship is based on trust and communication. If you have discussed this with your boyfriend and he has said that he loves you and is going to stay with you, you either believe him or you don't.

 

He certainly sounds bisexual. I'm not sure why that should be a concern. Would you rather have a straight man, who "might" cheat on you with another woman? What's the difference whether they cheat with a man or a woman?

 

We can hash this out on the internet until the cows come home, but fundamentally this is a communication issue and it is something that needs to be discussed between him and you. If he loves you, and if the passion is there, then who the h*** cares whether he liked boys at one time. He likes YOU now. Enjoy that. Leave the psychoanalysis to the professionals.