Lover to Girlfriend?

[tyler12]

Hey all,

 

First post and I have to admit, I feel everything negative ive done about this has come back to me feeling guilty now. Ive been in love with a girl for over a year and met her while she was with someone else. After spending tons of time together on a school trip, we kissed. I wanted this girl so badly, but I didnt want that kiss because I knew it would make me feel guilty if we ever did wind up being together. I broke things off with her about 6 months ago and didnt want to be a thing on the side. We never had sex nothing more than kissing, but i just wanted to feel like I was hers alone.

 

I bumped into her by accident about 4 months ago and she told me she had broken it off with her boyfriend. Moved out (they were living together) and was finally done with him.

 

She listed things to me over the last year about his insecurities and depression, the way he would fly off the handle. I had to bite my lip when I saw her last summer with a black eye. Think what you will of me, but she always said she had to make sure he was stable enough to break it off. That she was worried he would kill himself or something crazy. I hate the concept of cheating, but is it possible to find the love of your life like this?

 

And now its come full circle, and weve developed a very loving bond in these last few months. Were inseparable and lots of talk of the future. Oh yeah, shes going away on a study abroad for 2 months and as much as I love this girl I want to get better with trusting her.

 

How do you develop trust when your relationship was founded through deception and mistrust? I feel like I have some good days and some bad ones. I feel that shes stable with me and happy. But I guess there will always be that what if. I genuinely love this girl but cant help feel that we have an uphill battle when it comes to trusting one another.

[arcadefire]

I don't have any experience on infidelity and relationships born from that. What you do know is that she is going abroad for two months so starting a relationship now will be tricky. It would be easier to start a relationship when she comes back.

 

One thing you do have to think about is if she could potentially cheat on you while you are dating her.

[knightingale]

Sometimes you find the right one at the wrong time. Maybe when she gets back it will be the right time.

[i_win]

What happens when you and her are having a bad month or two and you are acting "strange" or "off to her" and is kissing and exposing her emotions to some other man? Would you be okay with that?

 

It could be that she felt trapped in the relationship but that seems like an easy excuse to not have the guts to do what is right and leave the relationship before kissing and spending lots of time with other men when she is already living with someone.

 

Just a thought.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

well, the last time i checked the answer to leaving an abusive boyfriend wasn't to go slurp faces with some other guy...

 

It all depends on how true her story really is, and whether she is a weak person who needs some guy to be her hero and 'rescuer', and will continue to shop for the next boyfriend while with the current one.

 

Sometimes things just happen. I'd have more hope that she's not a repetitive cheater if SHE had been the one to break it off with you and do the right thing and break up with him before seeing you. But if she wanted it to go further and only you stopped her, then you might have a problem.

 

It isn't easy to break away from an abusive boyfriend, but be very careful to not relate to her as a 'wounded flower' that you need to rescue. She needs to find that strength in herself. Strength and good character is what keeps people from cheating. If you think she has both, then proceed.

[tyler12]

 

It isn't easy to break away from an abusive boyfriend, but be very careful to not relate to her as a 'wounded flower' that you need to rescue. She needs to find that strength in herself. Strength and good character is what keeps people from cheating. If you think she has both, then proceed.

 

I have discussed things with her intensely about how our relationship started off and she is far from a wounded flower. Shes actually amongst the strongest and most independent people I know. She told me she tried everything with her ex and that she regrets cheating. Shes let me know that she wants to build up trust with me and continue the relationship we've been trying to build.

 

I love her, despite our faults and I want to give it a shot. Im aware that things may be tense at first but I have found a person who I respect and adore.

[tyler12]

been a tough few days since shes left but im optimistic about us in the future. Shes called me a ton from over there and always sounds happy and telling all her new friends about us. Its a pretty big departure from the way she was when we first met and it gives me the hope that things can actually work out.