How to "Just Do It"

[DaXMan]

I was at my friend's small party tonight, and I realized I have a problem with just doing things (in terms of girls). There was a very attractive girl I know a little bit and will likely see again soon (she knows my friend whose house it was), and my friends told me I missed a real shot with getting with her tonight.

 

The guy-girl ratio was horrible; she was the only attractive girl there and there were about 10 guys. A few of the other guys were hitting on her hard, so I just went with the flow and busted her on a few things (C+F). She knew me more than some of the other guys, so we were already on friendly terms. Throughout the time I was there, we all played a couple drinking games, and she kept criticizing me (good-naturely) when I missed a shot or lost in something. Of course, she's really attractive and she was outgoing to most people, so I didn't think much of it.

 

When I had to leave, I said good bye to everyone. When I say good-bye to her (normally, since of course I wasn't even thinking of getting with her), my friends there converge around me. I was puzzled for a minute, and my friends said she wanted me to kiss her. Now if she was looking at me at this time and my friends weren't being loud, maybe I would have done something. However,some other guy was all over her and she wasn't looking towards me, so I bypassed the chance (I felt if I tried anything then it would have looked forced).

 

I'll be getting crap about it tomorrow when I see my friends again for sure, but there's an underlying problem I hope you can help me with: I always cower out when it comes to making a move at a party. Always. How do I get over this? I want to be able to "just do it" without thinking about the consequences if things backfire badly at a small party such as this where everyone knows each other.

 

Any tips on how to go about things in these type of situations is appreciated. I know it sounds rather basic, but I can use the help lol.

[Lily04]

this is funny because I WAS that girl at the party LOL... where do you live? haha, but no seriously, I was just in that situation.. and pissed at guys who don't make moves. How to do it? Maybe thinking of the opportunity cost (what you lost - here possibly the girl) will change your views for the future. give you a bit more incentive... but how to gain confidence? i'm still working on that myself... i'm pretty but have major confidence issues so I need the guy to hit on me because I don't have enough confidence/guts to go flirt and hit on them.. a lot of girls prefer the guy to do the work. you have to learn... perhaps drink a bit, and imagine yourself as the type of guy you WANT to be. And remember: image is half what you make of it. I dated guys who were quite 'ugly' to others but their confidence and personality shone through and that's why I dated them... that's often more important. so work on it: practice!

[ftheunion]

he thought it out though. if guys are all over her whats the point. she could have any guy she wants. so move on her or flirt when there isn't so much competition. its not like a hail mary pass........maybe more gradual taking it further down the field one play at a time. A kiss its gutsy and a more favorable situation there is for such a thing............plus alchohol adds so much falsehood.

[Lily04]

he thought it out though. if guys are all over her whats the point. she could have any guy she wants. so move on her or flirt when there isn't so much competition. its not like a hail mary pass........maybe more gradual taking it further down the field one play at a time. A kiss its gutsy and a more favorable situation there is for such a thing............plus alchohol adds so much falsehood.

 

this is what bugs me... ok, in a club, i'll have guys all over me, but most are disgusting/not my type, and just trying their luck. the guy I usually like is the one too shy to hit on me for this reason... so don't be turned off because she's popualr! it seemed if she did want to kiss you, then she probably liked you to some extent... whether it's more than anotehr guy at the party i cant say, but what i'm saying is don't say "what's the point."

 

maybe don't kiss her, but making conversation with a girl whom you find attractive, isn't out of bounds or too gutsy, and a good way to practice confidence i think. I got around 6 business cards from a party i went to, all of guys who liked me, but most i won't want to see again. but i had fun talking with them at that particular party and there is maybe 1-2 i would go out with again, just to see potential. If they never tried speaking with me because they were scared of the other guys, then nothing would have happened.

[shy2cool]

Are you extremely good looking and bubbly or something?

 

Sorry, I am just curious.

[vermilion]

It really sounds like you should have made a move. I mean, just because there are a ton of guys doesn't mean she was attracted to them. If there were a ton of girls would you be attracted to every one that came up to you?

 

And you don't have to kiss her- in fact, I don't think that's a good idea. It'd be better to ask for her number (DON'T give her yours, she won't call) just in case your friends were messing with you and she didn't want to be kissed. That way, if she's not into you nothing comes of it. If you were to kiss her and she didn't want to, you'd be embarrassed or possibly slapped in front of everyone.

 

Are you extremely good looking and bubbly or something?

 

Sorry, I am just curious.

 

I'm wondering that too.

 

Or perhaps you just lucked out and are always around confident men?

 

Because I only get asked out 5 times a month tops certainly not a night. I don't really party or drink though. And I consider myself nice and good looking enough. I wanna know where these guys are! If some guys were more gutsy I think all girls would be hit on more.

[Carmine]

I think the biggest mistake you can make is mistaking a shy girl for one that isn't interested. One time I was at a party with a few girls who were friends. They eventually realized that I was being shy so they dragged me to every girl in the room they knew and introduced me. There was this one girl who I approached a bit earlier and talked to for a bit, though I didn't go past small talk because I was getting the feeling that she wasn't interested. When my friends went up to her and said, "Hey (girl's name)! Dance with Carmine!" she just stood there looking a bit nervous and smiling. For some reason, probably because I found her to be the most attractive one at the party, I got embarrassed and assumed that she wasn't interested. I thought she was thinking, "Oh god, this guy again? Now they want me to dance with him? Ughhh..." So I just said "thanks anyway" and walked away to get some fresh air outside. Ten minutes later, when I came back, the first thing I noticed was her turning her head at me and smiling. Still, I was too much of a wimp to go back up to her and say, "So do you wanna dance or what? Yes or no? " Now, when I think back to it, she was DEFINITELY interested in me, except she was shy about it. I interpreted that shyness and disinterest. Big mistake.

 

So my advice to you? Forget what you think they think. You don't have esp - you have no idea what a girl is thinking, so why assume something that you have absolutely no proof for? Put your thoughts aside and just act in your most natural form. As for that girl, it would have been better if you took an opportunity to talk to her when she was alone, but if you really felt brave, you'd go up to her, while she was in the middle of her conversation with that other guy, and say "Hey, I've gotta leave. Sorry we couldn't talk tonight...but...just in case you wanted to talk some other time" then give her a slip of paper with your name and number with a wink . It might totally fail. She might say, "Ummm, thanksss" and then make fun of you with that other guy the second you leave, but who cares if they make fun of you? If she DID want you to talk to her, I'm sure she'd be glad that you at least made the effort to give her the option to call you.

 

Because I only get asked out 5 times a month tops certainly not a night. I don't really party or drink though. And I consider myself nice and good looking enough. I wanna know where these guys are! If some guys were more gutsy I think all girls would be hit on more.

 

Only 5 times a month? Is that supposed to be nothing for a girl?

[vermilion]

Only 5 times a month? Is that supposed to be nothing for a girl?

 

Tops is the keyword. What I meant was to be hit on by a lot of guys in a day just sounds like a lot considering some don't get asked that much in a much longer period of time. Didn't mean to offend.

[Lily04]

Honestly, I am goodlooking, but I also introduce myself to everyone when I'm at a party and try chatting with people and making friends. (I don't have many friends where I live...) So I try to make them feel good and create rapport. I think for an attractive girl who is friendly with everyone at a party, about 6 guys is not "a lot" at all!! consider how many people there may be... with my friend's bday party that i attended, around 20 (and half or so girls, right?) so yeah, most of the single guys there will be attracted to her... i dont see it as being odd at all! maybe to those girls who ARE goodlooking and aren't getting the same attention, you should try chatting with more guys and see what happens! I just did it because it was my friends party and i was looking to make some new friends, not necessarily flirting with them or intending to get #s. As I said, there were only 1-2 i'd consider maybe seeing again and even then i'm not sure about attraction (unfortunately i have issues with not being attracted to most guys, but i'll still be nice to them.)

[Carmine]

Tops is the keyword. What I meant was to be hit on by a lot of guys in a day just sounds like a lot considering some don't get asked that much in a much longer period of time. Didn't mean to offend.

 

I understand what you meant, and I wasn't offended at all! Just poking fun. I suppose it's a lot different as a guy since I don't expect to get hit on, so if once a week a girl hits on me, I'd consider that to be a lot.

[shy2cool]

Did you only talk to guys?

 

I just know that if a guy was just talking to girls then he would be seen as being trying to get numbers and hook up.

 

Also, being a single guy, and knowing that a bubbly good looking girl starts talking to me and the conversation is going well and all, I know that I would try to get her number.

 

Anyway, it's good to be friendly but not too friendly.

[Lily04]

Did you only talk to guys?

 

I just know that if a guy was just talking to girls then he would be seen as being trying to get numbers and hook up.

 

Also, being a single guy, and knowing that a bubbly good looking girl starts talking to me and the conversation is going well and all, I know that I would try to get her number.

 

Anyway, it's good to be friendly but not too friendly.

 

No, as I believe I said - I don't have many friends in the city and so at every party/event I go to, I try to talk with everyone there - girls & guys. What do you mean by "not too friendly"? I wasn't looking to hook up at all! lol

[DaXMan]

oh Lily you're real funny. The scary thing is though...Lily appears to be quite similar to the girl I know from last night. She was pretty cute and also very outgoing and we do get along, but I wouldn't go as far to say she was my type.

 

A day later, I'm a bit more calm lol. I learned from my buddy (who threw the small party) that the guy she got with she was already hooking up with for a week or so, so it wasn't as if he put the moves on just at this party. As for the "coulda-been kiss", I'm thinking it could have been a kiss on the cheek, not on the lips lol. The consensus among my friends who brought it up today was that I was both right and wrong: While I should have just gone with the momentum and went for the kiss (on the cheek?), I did know something was up and there was the chance a misfire on my end could have been disastrous.

 

My thoughts...I should have gone for the kiss on the cheek. I always get shy when it comes to actually doing something with a girl, and all my friends watching from right there only makes things tougher. I am confident when talking to women, bust some C+F, everything is going great. But when it's showtime, I get stage fright.

 

I am going to analyze some of your arguments though. Ftheunion is correct in that guys do feel a bit of a riska guy is not going to go after the girl that everybody else is hitting on. That is, unless the girl does something little, whether it's eye contact or drawing closer. If I saw 10 guys hitting on one girl and the girl didn't appear to be notcing me, I'm going to look elsewhere (plus we were all under the influence of alcohol lol). The guy does need to make the move, but if the girl doesn't show that she even notices him, there's no point.

 

There are definitely some good points though. Notably, Lily is right in that I should think in the mindset of who I am trying to be. If I feel I cannot lose, then I'll have an amazing amount of confidence and things could work out pretty well. Carmine's point about not letting what others think affect you is something I've been trying to do for awhile, but it still lingers. I'm a bit self-conscious, but I'm less so than I used to be.

 

Carmine's strategy about slipping the number to the girl as you leave isn't bad, however, I wouldn't do it here. Why? I'm not exactly interested in dating her. She's attractive, yes, but I believe she is a bit promiscuous. My friend that knows her told me she had one LTR but has been a bit "easier" ever since. Basically, she's pretty cool and pretty friendly, but would I be in a rush to try and date her? Not quite. I'm sure I will see her a few more times in the next few months, so I'll be a little more aggressive then .

[Lily04]

I think you're putting a bit too much thought into this, to be honest... I sense you're the really introverted type that's how I used to be as well (I am still, to some extent, but not nearly as worse as I used to be when I'd write 2 page emails analyzing little things..) But basically, if she's already datign a guy and they hooked up at the party, whether or not she gave you a little peck on the check is irrelevant at this point. It likely wouldn't have mattered either way - the conversation, and good times is most important, and maybe getting her number or slipping your own (or both) to stay in touch. But I usually don't kiss anyone when I first meet them at a social event - that happens on an actual date. The exception is if I am in a club and REALLY get along with a guy but it doesn't seem like this was the situation... kissing and being 'too' available too soon may also give off a * * * * ty image which i don't like, personally.

[DaXMan]

I should have made this more clear...they're not dating. I've met this girl before, and I'll probably see her again the next time my friend throws a party or w/e. And as for the introverted...I just over-analyze things, it's not really being introverted.

[shy2cool]

No, as I believe I said - I don't have many friends in the city and so at every party/event I go to, I try to talk with everyone there - girls & guys. What do you mean by "not too friendly"? I wasn't looking to hook up at all! lol

 

Yeah, I didn't quite understand what you were saying initially.

 

Anyway, the world needs more friendly people like you!

[wtm78]

just pick up your manhood and stop asking questions and just do it...