I finally cracked

[Alpar80]

I have been having a tough time lately and finally broke yesterday. My wife and I of two months of whom is preganant again have been having a tough time. When it all comes down to it, it is all work and no fun. Our days consist off hard work days and when it all winds down to just sit on the couch and watch the same ol on TV, not what I picured my life to be. The kids rule the roost, as she runs her own day care during the day and my life consists of travelling 40 miles ech way to work a demanding job not to return home until dark. On top of that the house needs to be up to "code" for the daycare which entails a deal of labor. Oh yeah not to mention our second form of income a rental property which is 100 yrs old that is in complete need of care, I just installed a new porch, fixed the electric, and ordered 14 yards of topsoil ( a truckload) to seed in a new lawn after sewage was installed by yours truly over the winter.

After working all morning yesterday and coming home to a house of screaming kids and a distraught wife, she snapped becuase of the situation with the children and went outside to cool down. When she cae back in she laid in on me for feeding the children the wrong food, I felt that feeding them would keep them from crying, obviously strawberries are not the right thing to feed kids these days. So then I broke and lost my cool (the first time). I lost my cool in front of the daycare kids and stormed off, so I went back to work and shoveled dirt. Later that evening she stated we need to go out to look at appliances for the rental home becuse the ones that are in there are in need of replacement, which is true. Years of neglect from her previous marriage left me with a bees nest to fix, so we went out and picked up a fridge and stove. Everythign was cool up until she criticized me for paying too much for the topsoil and I lost it again, this time it was bad. I swerved the car into an oncoming vehicle with her and my daughter in the car and nearly missed hitting them. I then pulled over and left to start walking home.

This lunicy is not who I am. I need help. I have got to the point of doing outrageous things becuse I am just so burnt out. I know I love her and my family but I am just so overwhelmed and burnt that I fell the work is never going to end, and how much I do will never be satisfying. I dont want a divorce becuse I love her and I dont want to put my daughter through what I wnet through, and I am a firm believer that all things can be worked out. However, I see myself turning into a demon from all that is going on. We try to talk about things and I just dont even want to listen to her becuase it is always about how i messed up and what i did wrong, and that gets me so upset. Last night I told her that I cant remember a time that I have been happy and I am constantly miserable, which isnt true. I need to take a step back. When she is panicing becuse all of this stuff "has to get done" I need to just go at my own pace. Man it is just going to kill me if not.

[Angel_baby]

First off I understand. I have a son of my own, married and of course bills need to be paid.

 

How long have you and your wife been together? From reading your post it sounds like both of you have gotten into a slump. The way to fix it is to change things. Your marriage and child are important. If it means to make a few small changes or maybe a couple of big ones... then so be it.

 

She is in the wrong here to. Not just you. AND it will take BOTH of you to make this relationship work.

 

When is the last time you two went on a REAL date? This is very crucial to do, especially when you are a parent.

 

Counseling is also a really good option if you two are having problems communicating to each other about each others needs, wants and yes even feelings. I wouldn't rule counseling out as it can REALLY help.

 

It sounds like you really love her and want to stay with her. But to continue to do nothing (Both of you) it will head down to the D word eventually.

 

And we all crack at times. What happened was drastic. What has me concerned is the fact you had your child in the car to. Something needs to be done now, not later

[Lana0120]

Once you get the fixing up of the rental property out of the way, there shouldn't be much you need to do on that. Personally, I'd suggest fast-tracking any alterations you need to make and get your wife to deal with the purchasing side of things, and between you get it out of the way as quickly as possible. You need to make time for yourself and make time for just you and your wife too. I'd suggest taking some time off for that at the weekend, maybe even hiring a babysitter to look after the kids. Also, if possible I'd suggest trying to get a job closer to home. I also agree with Angel Baby's comments.

[Alpar80]

Thats the thing, I want to take her out and reconnect but she is either too tired or feels that we shouldnt waste our money. Every waking moment is spent with the kids or working. She is also reluctant to get a babysitter because she uses her sisters and usually a favor done is a favor owed. I realize my faults, I need to not get so angry, but when push comes to shove you just break. I want time with her but just cant seem to get her to come to. She says that she feels guilty going out and spending money when we are dealing with credit card debt.

[Angel_baby]

Money isn't as important as your family. Somehow she needs to know that your marriage, That you two as people, are more important then cash.

 

Going out to eat, see a movie, have a picnic, etc... None of it cost SO much that you can't spoil each other now and then.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

If your problem is stress, you need to find ways of reducing stress. And don't respond you can't because you can't NOT fix this.

 

First off, if the rental property is too much work, then sell it. Maintaining a 100 year old house can be a huge drain financially and in terms of effort. So sell it and take the equity and invest it.

 

If you are fighting over silly things like kids eating strawberries you both need to lighten up. One meal of strawberries will do them no harm.

 

If she has a long 'honey do' list and you are spending every spare minute working to tick things off that list, that has to stop. You need to plan relaxation and fun into the schedule, and she needs to accept that.

 

You might consider marriage counseling if all she does is complain about you. She may be stressed herself, and bullying the other person into improving life is not the answer.

[Alpar80]

I see all of this as good advice. I think the key word is relaxation. We are both working very ard to make ends meet, the world we live in is a lot different than that of 10 years ago! Its tough! We are fortunate to have income thru the rental, it pays for itself and some of our mortgage, so selling it is out of the question. I think just taking it a step at a time is key, these are huge jobs that are taking place. We just have to take it easy.