Dating in a Wheelchair

[eleanorigby]

Right off the bat, I'm in a wheelchair. It'a a manual, I'm not a vegetable, and sex is possible. What an intro! Anyway, my problem is I'm not sure how to approach dating. I know the wheelchair scares off guys initially, but after knowing me an hour or so that seems to go away. However, I think it still makes guys shy about asking me out since I am different. I feel like my dating situation would be better if I took the lead and asked guys on dates, but I'm reluctant. I don't want to make someone feel uncomfortable or like they can't say no because I'm in a chair. What would you do if someone in a wheelchair asked you out? Or if anyone has any advice, pleae, I'd love to hear it. Since I'm writing this on a Saturday night, you can probably tell my lovelife is not great and I'm the type of person that thrives on people and relationships, so it's very frustrating. Thanks.

[redhearts]

You can still have sex? Thats good to know, I thought guys/girls who were disabled from legs down couldn't feel anything.. (no offense)

 

Anyways, try dating sites? Maybe so you don't have to put it so much out there have a picture with your wholeself in a wheelchair, so guys get the picture? Or maybe its easier to talk to guys then bring up that your in a wheelchair see their take on it.

[MissRogue]

I agree with the above posts on dating sites. I've tried eHarmony in the past with really wonderful results. You can always mention the wheel chair if the relationship gets far enough for you two to consider meeting up in real life. By then, they'll know how wonderful you are and hopefully be accepting of the wheel chair

[eleanorigby]

I agree with the above posts on dating sites. I've tried eHarmony in the past with really wonderful results. You can always mention the wheel chair if the relationship gets far enough for you two to consider meeting up in real life. By then, they'll know how wonderful you are and hopefully be accepting of the wheel chair

That just seems so dishonest to me. It's like if you were a gay guy, went onto a dating site pretending to be a girl and after some straight guy fell for you, switching it up on him by saying, "oh, by the way, I'm a guy". Lol, okay, that's pretty extreme, but I'd feel that way. I don't ever want to lie about who I am or to someone I might potentially care about.

[redhearts]

^^^^ I agree, thats why you should put it up on a picture, or just say well first off I juts want to let you know I'm in a wheel chair. Or really if he doesn't ask, your not lying lol. But its good to mention, although you'll see if a guy really cares or not if he backs away from you being on a wheelchair.

[Clementine orange]

For what it's worth, I dated someone in a wheel chair. It didn't last but that had nothing to do with the wheel chair part of it. It was one of those things where neither of us asked the other out officially, we just kinda got into it.

I do remember being somewhat surprised that she wanted to date me - I'm able bodied.

[Clementine orange]

^^^^ I agree, thats why you should put it up on a picture, or just say well first off I juts want to let you know I'm in a wheel chair. Or really if he doesn't ask, your not lying lol. But its good to mention, although you'll see if a guy really cares or not if he backs away from you being on a wheelchair.

 

Yes, you should probably be upfront about that right away. A picture would be enough, you don't need to explain more than that. Good luck in your search.

[Lucy__lou]

My advice is that you try to cultivate an air of independence whilst flirting. Any guy who's got a modicum of perceptiveness will pick up on the fact that

 

a). you're chatting him up so thereforeeee you're probably up for dating and all it entails

b). that you're not a charity case.

 

But I also recommend going down the friends path a bit longer first. That way, the guys will get a better chance to see that you are indeed worth looking past the disability.

 

If they see that you're strong and cheerful, and that you have a very distinct character which is more prominent than the disability, then pity hopefully won't become a factor.

 

By the way, for what it's worth, there was a boy at my uni in a wheelchair who I caught checking me out, and I sensed found me interesting/attractive, and I don't know why, but I was extra flattered that a guy in a wheelchair took interest in me... nothing happened, but I would have liked to have got to know who he was..

[eleanorigby]

If you don't mind me asking, how did you guys end up dating? Who approached who or how did it develop?

[Clementine orange]

If you don't mind me asking, how did you guys end up dating? Who approached who or how did it develop?

 

I assume you are asking me. We were in class at Uni together, worked on a few group projects and study groups etc. Went for coffee casually after a study session once and discovered that we had some things in common. (I didn't ask her specifically, it was more of a "going for coffee, who is with me" type thing. Hung out a bit after class sometimes, traded study notes, jokes etc. Ran into each other at an event (related to what we were studying) and shared a cab home. Found out we both wanted to see XYZ movie so we went (I remember wondering if it was a date or not) we had a "moment" after the movie - a romantic "walk". After the "moment" we dispensed with the whole study buddy routine and just dated. It only lasted 2 months or something but it didn't have anything to do with the wheelchair and more to do with the fact that I was struggling to keep my grades up and stave off poverty and just general early 20s stupidity and restlessness.

She was a nice girl though. After a while you don't notice the chair.

Yes we had sex and it was awesome.

[darkblue]

A friend of mine is disabled due to spina bifida. She is currently in a wonderful relationship, and has been with her partner for many years.

 

They met in a bar. One approached the other and they got talking to eachother.

They realised they were attracted to eachother and it went from there.

 

I don't see how it is different from any other kind of relationship.

 

In all honesty, of course there are people out there who think 'I would never date a disabled person' - but that's their prejudice, and you can normally tell who they are because they don't try to hide it.

 

I remember walking down the street with the above mentioned friend. She's about 3 feet tall due her disability. The looks she gets is unbelievable. It makes you question if we really do live in a diversity rich world, where people are accepted as human beings. But I've gone off on a tangent.

[Dako]

I think more women should take the initiative. Guys like to be flattered that way just as women do.

 

To me, the chair is just a tool you use. It's not you.

[JadedStar]

Are there sites for people with disabilities to meet other people in their area with disabilities? I am sure there must be, there are sites for everything these days.

That is, if you are itnerested in another person who might have a disability and I can't imagine you would be averse to that since you are trying to find someone not averse to yours.

 

Sometimes that makes us feel more comfortable to meet up with folks we feel are more similar to ourselves. It builds confidence. NOt that you should avoid people different from you, just that in the beginning this builds your esteem. It's like someone who feels plain going to try to pick up a date in a room where he feels everyone is a slamming ten. He might get intimidated. He will want to migrate to a room where he feels people are more on his equal footing so he can build confidence.

 

Good luck Eleanor! You sound like a sweet lady and I am sure some guy will pick up on that!

[darkblue]

There are websites out there for people with disabilities to date people with disabilities. But I'm not going to link them, because I don't believe that disabled people can only date people with a disability.

[JadedStar]

There are websites out there for people with disabilities to date people with disabilities. But I'm not going to link them, because I don't believe that disabled people can only date people with a disability.

 

I don't either and if that is what you got out of my post you read it wrong.

 

It would be a good introduction to ease her into the art of socialization since she apparently is looking for tips on how to do that, hence her post asking.

 

I am sure if she is interested she can google sites. If she is not interested, she won't.

[darkblue]

Are there sites for people with disabilities to meet other people in their area with disabilities? I am sure there must be, there are sites for everything these days.

That is, if you are itnerested in another person who might have a disability and I can't imagine you would be averse to that since you are trying to find someone not averse to yours.

 

I don't think I did misinterpret that.

 

Just because someone else is disabled doesn't mean they want to be with someone with a disability.

 

I think it would be sufficient to say that there are dating websites in general out there. Many of them.

[JadedStar]

I don't think I did misinterpret that.

 

Just because someone else is disabled doesn't mean they want to be with someone with a disability.

 

I think it would be sufficient to say that there are dating websites in general out there. Many of them.

 

Sorry we don't see eye to eye. If this was something she is interested in and did not know about it then my post could be a benefit. Saying websites in general DOES NOT help her if she in fact WOULD like to meet others who are also disabled and she didn't know they exist. I treat people like equals and I won't tapdance aroudn her disability as if I am afraid to bring it up. People like to be treated just like anyone else, not treated wtih candy coating.

 

You DID misinterpret it. Thanks for thinking you know what i feel! Please keep to the topic vs interpreting others posts for them. I'd appreciate it. What you think is sufficient and what I think is sufficient might not sync up. you chose not to mention a resource that she might find helpful for reasons that are not clear entirely to me, i chose to mention it to empower her if she chose to take advantage of it.

 

Please don't preach to me about diversity either. My profession is human resources and I have given many a presentation on the subject of diversity. You are doing a lot of incorrect assuming about my intent. My aim is to help the OP, not analyze someone else's response or motives.

[JadedStar]

How about you stick to giving the OP advice you like and not worry about the advice i give. 'K?

 

I only talked about my credentials because you saw it fit to degrade the advice that i gave her and your responses are bordering upon disrespectful to me at this point. What i gave her as advice is not really your concern.

[darkblue]

Jaded,

 

I was simply making a point. I do apologise if you took it personally, however it was not a personal attack on you.

 

thereforeeee there is no need to be defensive.

[JadedStar]

. I would never come on this forum and 'boast' my credentials for the effect of making a point.

 

that wasn't personal?

 

We'll agree to disagree and leave it at that. thanks.

[avman]

Knock it off you two.

[Lowconfidence]

that wasn't personal?

 

We'll agree to disagree and leave it at that. thanks.

 

Jaded, I'm totally on your side.

 

I think you made a great suggestion about dating websites for disabled people.

 

If the OP finds guys intimidated by her in a wheelchair, what's wrong with finding someone else in a wheelchair? At least you know for sure the guy won't(or at least shouldn't) be intimidated then.

[Lowconfidence]

I don't see how it is different from any other kind of relationship.

 

In all honesty, of course there are people out there who think 'I would never date a disabled person' - but that's their prejudice, and you can normally tell who they are because they don't try to hide it.

 

I remember walking down the street with the above mentioned friend. She's about 3 feet tall due her disability. The looks she gets is unbelievable. It makes you question if we really do live in a diversity rich world, where people are accepted as human beings. But I've gone off on a tangent.

 

Now I'm not trying to start anything, but if a person doesn't want to date someone who is disabled, is that really a prejudice or a preference?

 

Case in point, I never went to university, I don't have a white-collar job. If a university educated female does not want to date me because I lack a career or education, is that a preference? Or can I say it's a prejudice?

 

I'm only 5'9. This girl wants to date only 6 feet and over. Preference or prejudice?

 

I don't have a 6 pack. This girl only wants to date hot model types. Preference or prejudice?

 

Darkblue, now forgive me for misinterpretating your responses, but it sounds like you are saying disabled people should only date full-abled bodied people. Isn't that being a bit prejudiced?

[darkblue]

LC, I was simply pointing out that the OP mentioned nothing about specifically wanting to date people who were disabled. I thereforeeee saw a response which suggested that the OP try a disabled dating site as prejudiced.

 

If this was the same scenario but the OP was of a different race - would it be acceptable for somone to suggest a dating website for their specific race? Or would that be classed as racist?

[Lowconfidence]

LC, I was simply pointing out that the OP mentioned nothing about specifically wanting to date people who were disabled. I thereforeeee saw a response which suggested that the OP try a disabled dating site as prejudiced.

 

If this was the same scenario but the OP was of a different race - would it be acceptable for somone to suggest a dating website for their specific race? Or would that be classed as racist?

 

Well I thought it was a great suggestion because it seemed like the OP was having a tough time with the initial reactions of fully abled men. If the OP felt all this initial resistance from men, why not try a disabled dating site? It's an idea from Jaded, not a command.

 

If some people want to date certain races it's their choice. I learned long ago it's close-minded but you can't change a person's stance a lot of times. Why bother?