Newbie here, decided I'm leaving my fiance after 6 years

[daylightisdying]

I am about to do the hardest thing I've ever done in my life and I really need some support.

 

I have decided it is time to end my 6 year relationship with my fiance Ryan. He has no clue it is coming. Here are my reasons: (1) he's an alcoholic and will not admit he has a problem (much less attempt to get any help); (2) he can be very possessive, jealous and controlling (not as much as he used to be though); (3) we haven't had a love life in years, we might make love once every couple of months if that; (4) when I look into my future and how I want to live my life, I honestly don't see myself being married to him and (5) we are pretty much just friends sharing a house anymore, we love each other but we aren't in love with each other (as cliched as that may sound). All of that being said, I still love him very much and no doubt this is going to be the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. Breaking his heart is just going to shatter me into pieces. But it has to be done. I am starting to cry just writing this. I mean, we've been together for 6 years! I was 19 years old when we got together and now I'm 25. I promised to spend the rest of my life with him and now I have to break that promise. I'm not the kind of person that does this type of thing but I have changed so much in the past year mentally and physically (I've lost 106 pounds) that really we've just grown apart romantically. I'm ready to start a new chapter in my life and being with him isn't in it.

 

So my plan is to break the news to him by the end of summer. We have a house together which is in both of our names, we have three pets, a car that we both paid half for, some furniture, etc. so that makes this seem like an impossible task. I mean, what if he decides to let me have the house, how am I going to sleep in the bed that once used to be ours? How am I going to live in this house when its been OUR home for the past two years? All of these things scare the * * * * out of me. What if he takes our dog Toby whom I've grown to love so much? All of the "what ifs" are what makes this so much harder. But what scares me the most is how he is going to take this news. He can become very violent and I'm afraid he may try to physically hurt me. He has some mental issues and I KNOW he is not going to let go very easily, if at all. He has told me in the past that if I ever left him, he'd stalk me and/or kill himself (something crazy along those lines) but he hasn't said anything like that in a long time. Either way, I know he will not handle this like a mature adult. Who knows what he is going to do?

 

So many things to think about here. I've told my mother and close friends already that I'm going to do this and my mind is set. It's just a matter of when. I need to set up a whole slew of plans all depending on how he is going to react. If he lets me keep the house, I need to find someone to move in so I can afford the mortgage and bills. If he makes me leave the house, I need to find somewhere to live (which that won't be hard). If he starts to threaten me and I become scared for my life, I will need to contact the police. What if I have to go into hiding? What if I can't handle the stress and become depressed and start back to my old eating habits and then becoming that vulnerable, insecure woman who no self esteem again?

 

Most of all, how am I going to handle not being with him anymore? He has been my life for 6 years, he has been my best friend and my shoulder to cry on. I can't fathom the thought of never talking to him again. What if I become weak and let him back in? Part of me doesn't know if I can go through with this. Am I strong enough? Do I have enough confidence now? Confidence is something new to me and I'm still getting used to it. He has done so much for me and so has his family, how am I going to deal with hurting them?

 

Another thing that is bothering me is knowing that I'm going to do this in the near future, how I do act towards him until it happens? Do I pretend everything is okay just to avoid having to do this before I'm prepared? Is me showing him affection or possibly making love to him going to be living a lie? Should I feel guilty for making him think everything is okay right now?

 

So many questions, and here I am spilling all of this out to no one. I am crying right now. Am I doing the right thing? Please someone help me... I know someone out there has been through this before.

 

I know I'm a noob but if anyone has any advice or could help me out my sharing their life experiences, I'd would be so grateful.

 

Love,

Amanda

[Wandering_Sword]

Welcome to ENA

You want out now and you want to wait till Summer? Are you sure that is the thing you want to do? Delays like this can either exacerbate the situation (you'll get distant and colder, become easily angered with him and his short-comings) or make you change your mind and stay with him.

I would never advocate a breakup and most importantly I believe in communication, but if you have exhausted that avenue than I think you should make it as soon as possible. No need in prolonging your misery and keeping him in the dark.

Take care and we're here for you

[daylightisdying]

Thanks for your reply. I guess I'd really have to go into our relationship history to give you a better understanding as to why it's impossible to talk to him. What I say to him goes in one ear and out the other.

 

I am waiting because I need to make sure I can survive financially and find a concrete place to go once all is said and done. Once I have that in order, there will be no need to delay it any longer.

 

Anyone else have any input? Am I making a huge mistake here?

[stereoeclectic]

edit : double post

[stereoeclectic]

I don't know your situation specifically, so I don't know if I can give advice. But I have recently been on the other side of the exact same situation. Six year relationship, and we had been engaged.

 

I know this is hard for you, and it was hard for the girl who left me as well.

 

Just weigh the decision very carefully and make sure that you are very convinced it is the right thing to do.

[kate2660]

hi day,

 

i couldn't believe i stumbled upon your post today. i came on here today to basically talk about an extremely similar situation i am going through...however, after the 6 years...i actually went through with my marriage and now almost a year of marriage and 7 years of being together (2 of which we have lived together) i am considering leaving my husband. i cannot tell you how scared i am. i have exactly the same concerns and worries as you, we are even close in age (i'm 27)...everything from having 3 cats (who will get which ones) to splitting up china, to telling our families. i love my husband with all of my heart, but we are no longer in love. It's so obvious to BOTH of us. Sometimes I wish he would just come to terms with it, but i can tell that he is scared to be without me. We never have sex (maybe once a month) and when we do, there's nothing there. He is a very motivated person, but smokes pot morning and night. i have tried to get him to stop, but he gives me a million reasons why it's okay that he does. our lease is up this summer and i have been thinking it would be a good time to come to a decision.

 

When I come home to my husband (i work nights a couple times a week), he will be sleeping on the couch. i look at him and he looks like an angel....the most beautiful i ever see him look is when he is sleeping. i see the child in him that i never knew. that is when i feel the most love for him. i know it sounds so strange. but when he is awake, we argue over the littlest things to the biggest things. he also tends to get violent (not with me, although he has put his hands on me in the past), but mostly with our things....ie: throwing things, flipping chairs, breaking things and sometimes even punching himself). i just don't understand this behavior and i have asked him time and time again to please control his temper. therapy is not an option he says and plus we could never afford it. i don't tell my family about our problems too much as they love my husband like he was their own son. he is very thoughtful and loving, but just has some emotional problems that i just don't think i can live with.

 

My husband is very smart and educated and I see wonderful things in him that I've always wanted in a partner, but can i really live with the things that i don't like when we have children (he can be controlling, get annoyed with me, doesn't trust me sometimes when I'm with friends). He works in special education and is very loving and caring with his students, i mean how could anyone that shows such compassion and kindness like he does at work, be so hurtful to his wife?

 

By no means am i perfect. sometimes i think he deserves someone more suited for him. I am independent, maybe too independent these days. I love going out with friends and staying out late...this bothers him a great deal. I come from a very different family and I can be judgemental of his. And sometimes when we argue i have a knack for getting under his skin because i know his weaknesses when it comes to his anger. i love my husband, but can i really continue living in such an unpassionate marriage and wonder the rest of my life if i married the right person?

 

I can really understand where you are coming from. This will also be the most difficult decision of my life. But I look at my mother's strength and think of how i can do whatever i need to do to be happy in my life. She married for a year and ended it before meeting my father and being married to him for over 30 years. I want that.....what my parents have.....

[Saye]

Amanda you have a right to be happy, and if you don't think you'll be happy with him in the future then break your engagement. If he's violent and you're afraid you need to do whatever it is you can to make sure that you are safe. However, speaking as the person that was blindsided by love I'm going to give you the advice that i wish someone would have given my ex.

 

If you have officially decided today that you don't want to be with him any longer, you can't just wait it out til the end of the summer to tell him. You have to tell him today. It is so wrong to pretend that everything is just peachy and waiting for the right moment to break his heart. He's going to be hurt no matter what happens, it doesn't matter if he's hurt today or in 3 months. Imagine if the roles were reversed and he was here telling us that he's going to break an engagement to his fiance but he's going to wait until the end of the summer. Imagine it's you that is getting the "we need to talk" speech.

 

Would you want to know today or would you rather he lie to you for the next few months and tell you then. The fact that you have already told your friends and family is even worse. When my gf of 4 years broke up with me I was the last person to know. Do you have any idea of how embarrassing that is? If you love him or if you loved him like you say you do you owe it to him to tell him the truth. And if you know that he isn't going to take it the best, you need to make sure you are able to protect yourself.

 

Finally I ask that you seriously think about how much it's going to hurt you to lie to him for the next few months. You're going to possibly be sleeping with him, and it's summer so there will be family BBQs and other get togethers. It will be so much easier on you if you just end it now than pretend to all of those people that everything is going to be ok. Please don't pretend because you think it will be easier, because the truth is it isn't going to be any easier than it is today. Everyday that you pretend just makes it that much harder when the inevitable does happen.

 

We're all human. We're not perfect, we make mistakes and we hurt the people that we love. It doesn't make you a horrible person to not feel for him like you used to, but to lie to him is a huge mistake imo. I seriously hope you do the right thing for yourself and for him. If you can't marry him then tell him as soon as possible, yes it is going to suck and it is going to hurt. But trust me because my ex did the exact same thing to me. She pretended things were repairable, she pretended that we'd be ok, and then finally one day it was over. I just hope you do what is right for yourself and for him.

 

Good Luck

[daylightisdying]

Thanks for your posts kate and Saye. I actually thought this thread died but I'm so glad I decided to check back one more time to see if anyone had posted. I am actually going to do it this Sunday. I am fully prepared and extremely scared. I posted this a little over a week ago and I have done some major thinking and planning this past week. Saye you are completely right, my original plan of waiting till the end of summer was ill-conceived. The only reason I'm waiting until Sunday is I'm going to have friends waiting outside in case he decides to physically hurt me and that's the only day they are off work.

 

Kate, your comment about how he looks while asleep really hits home. He works night shift so everyday when I get home from work in the afternoon, he is laying in our bed sleeping like an angel. He always looks so peaceful and gorgeous.

 

Well, only two more days... it's probably going to be the longest two days of my life.

[stereoeclectic]

if you think he could be violent, definitely take friends.

 

i didn't see that part of your post the first time.

 

best wishes, and i hope it goes smoothly.

[daylightisdying]

Well, I did it. Sunday was the big day. I sat down with him and calmly explained that it is over. He took is rather well at first, he said he saw it coming for a while now. But yesterday he started being difficult, which I'm not surprised. We are trying to figure out what we are going to do with the house, pets, etc. I want to keep the house, it is in both of our names. He won't be able to afford the house alone but I can. But I don't see him making any effort to find himself an apartment. So today after my spin class I am going to go back home (he'll be at work so I won't see him) and we'll just have to see what happens. I feel so numb right now, it's strange. I cried a little bit when I told him but other than that, I've been numb.

[daylightisdying]

Well, he agreed to let me have the house but unfortunately we have to live together until he finds a place to go. Things are very weird, I thought after this he wouldn't even be able to look at me but he doesn't seem to care much in the past two days. He's already going on with his life and don't get me wrong, I'm happy about that but knowing his personality, something isn't right about it. He is obessessive, compulsive, has anxeity problems, etc. and for him to be so calm around me and act like I didn't just stab him in the heart and kick him out of his own house is really strange. Anyone have any idea why he is acting like this? He did grow up or something?

[melrich]

Anyone have any idea why he is acting like this? He did grow up or something?

 

My guess is he is still in the shock and denial phase. Things may change when the reality of what you have told him hits home.