headhoncho Posted May 14, 2008 Share Posted May 14, 2008 He just found out I was spying on his computer and eradicated the spyware. He did it because I did confront him last night. I asked him if he was gay or bi? He said he was curious to see because of the anal interests, but he is only attracted to women and has not cheated on me. I am relieved to get it off my chest, but now he may not forgive me for not trusting him. Link to comment
Excalibur Posted May 14, 2008 Share Posted May 14, 2008 I'll go at it again. Bill and HIllary Clinton are a good example for your situation. That is not a couple who's requirement to remain married and in legal partmership for mutual benefit involves Bill's monogamy. Or maybe hers, who's to say. But that is two people without a doubt that see partnership in life as a business proposition that must benefit both parties in thier own individual areas of interest and priority or else it won't work. And that is why their relationship is working then....and now....and likely will continue. You haven't decided what you're getting positively out of this relationship and partnership - and you're focusing entirely on what you're not getting, or that he's doing that is not allowing you to have what it is you're not sure of that you want. Let the man be who he is - you be who you are...and if you respect, admire, trust and accept his intelligence, chracter, integrity and caliber, if you consider it a privilege and honor to affiliate iwth someone of his ilk - remain married. If not - move on. Link to comment
shoppingGirl Posted May 14, 2008 Share Posted May 14, 2008 what was he looking at on the computer? Was it gay men porn? Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted May 14, 2008 Share Posted May 14, 2008 One thing you have to keep in mind is that when people are caught, they will frequently deny, deny, deny, or try to spin the evidence so that it looked like what they were doing wasn't so bad or was something different. The fact that he was so quick to delete the spy software makes me think he WAS up to something fishy, and was afraid you'd find out even more if you continued to use it. If he has nothing to hide, why hide it? Link to comment
novaseeker Posted May 14, 2008 Share Posted May 14, 2008 Okay. If what he says is true, then it should not be an issue, but ... you'll want to watch for any behavior that indicates that he may be interested in pursuing anything. It's clearly the easiest thing for him to say (and it could be true as well), but it may not be. At least now it is on the table, though, and he knows you know -- which could help somewhat, even though he is upset now at the snooping. He will be upset about the snooping for some time, probably, but it was important information to have, and it was important to get it out on the table -- although it's difficult now, the alternative of letting it fester inside you wouldn't have been better, I think. Link to comment
headhoncho Posted May 14, 2008 Author Share Posted May 14, 2008 yes, gay ads on craigslist and gay porn on porn sites. most of the porn sites 99% were females, 1% was all gay men. Link to comment
Excalibur Posted May 14, 2008 Share Posted May 14, 2008 I still don't see what this has to do with the price of tea in china. Link to comment
headhoncho Posted May 14, 2008 Author Share Posted May 14, 2008 I do not respect him for not working and acting like a spoiled teenager for many years. I do not trust him because he may be bi and that is not ok with me, I do admire his character and attributes. You are right, I am focusing more on negatives rather than positives. I am afraid he will act out these male on male fantasies and not tell me. This brings risk to me..... Link to comment
novaseeker Posted May 14, 2008 Share Posted May 14, 2008 It's a legitimate concern -- I was not aware that he was looking at Craigslist. If he's looking at Craigslist, that's much more concerning than looking at the porn, because obviously CL is about taking things into reality, and he certainly has the free time to do that (he may even have already done so .. again I wasn't aware that it was CL he was looking at) ... and it's also kind of nasty because I think it must be fairly easy to pick up a disease from someone you meet for sex on CL, and obviously that's a big deal for anyone involved in a relationship. If he turned out to admit that he thinks he may be bisexual, but committed to not act on it (and you trusted him on that), would it still be an issue for you? Just a question -- it's perfectly fine for it to be an issue (I think it would be for many women), but I'm just thinking of possible outcomes. Link to comment
Excalibur Posted May 14, 2008 Share Posted May 14, 2008 So he brings risk to the table in association...is it s arisk you're willing to run or not. If you answer - you know wehther to stay or go - he doesn't have to change a thing in order for you to make your decision. Link to comment
thejigsup Posted May 14, 2008 Share Posted May 14, 2008 Most marriages become successful business arrangements if they work. After all, the family is a financial institution. Those that are not financially successful usually divorce. Marriage is a partnership after a few years, not a love story. Most of my friends who have been married for years have told me this. That being said, one of the cornerstones of good business partners is trust, and I think you have lost that, haven't you? Link to comment
trying2forget Posted May 14, 2008 Share Posted May 14, 2008 His being bisexual (if he even is) is not something he's trying to keep from you. He probably has no idea how he feels. Most everyone goes through a phase like this in their life where they are curious about the same sex, even though most people are not willing to admit it, and the majority of people realize, in the end, that they are heterosexual. Also, the majority of the people in the world (about 90%) are bisexual. I don't mean this in the way that they act on their feelings, but they may have fantasies or thoughts about the same gender from time to time-which is not a big deal. You have to let him know that you are not okay with him acting on anything that he may want to act on, if he wants to act on it. There are probably several therapists in your area that he could potentially meet with just to discuss his thoughts to see if this is something he actually wants, of it it's just a normal part of the identity confusion that comes with life! I'm not just saying all of this because I'm gay, or whatever you may think. I'm saying this because I have been studying psychology and such for a few years now and do actually know some of these things. So, I wish you the best of luck with your situation. Remember, the best way to keep your relationship whole is to talk to him about it and let him know what you're expecting. I would also suggest that you be supportive in what makes him happy. Link to comment
headhoncho Posted May 14, 2008 Author Share Posted May 14, 2008 I do not know 100% if I can trust him. Looking at anonymous porn and looking at ads fpr personal gay sex from men on CL is very concerning. I do not think he knows I know about the CL now, just the porn. I am very afraid of HIV and diseases. It is rough for me to believe him, that he has been just horny and curious.... Link to comment
novaseeker Posted May 14, 2008 Share Posted May 14, 2008 I do not know 100% if I can trust him. Looking at anonymous porn and looking at ads fpr personal gay sex from men on CL is very concerning. I do not think he knows I know about the CL now, just the porn. I am very afraid of HIV and diseases. It is rough for me to believe him, that he has been just horny and curious.... The CL is concerning, I agree -- much more than the porn I think. Link to comment
lukeb Posted May 14, 2008 Share Posted May 14, 2008 I am totally with Excalibur on this one, you cant change your husband for who he is, you can only accept him with all his good points and bad points. You have to decide right now if this relationship is working for you. I think it was wrong for you to spy on him, and it only further damages an already troubled relationship. It doesnt matter whether you were right in your suspicions it was wrong for you to do so. Behahior like that only further puts him in a defensive position. Link to comment
shoppingGirl Posted May 15, 2008 Share Posted May 15, 2008 I think you had every right to spy on him if you think something is up. If he is bi or gay, and having secret sexual relations with men than you are at risk for std's. You should know what is going on...he owes you an explanation. Link to comment
jon 13 Posted May 15, 2008 Share Posted May 15, 2008 "I do not know 100% if I can trust him." ya.... and who was doing the SPYING?? Link to comment
novaseeker Posted May 15, 2008 Share Posted May 15, 2008 "I do not know 100% if I can trust him." ya.... and who was doing the SPYING?? It's a transgression, but it's not nearly on the same level as someone having a sexual orientation (if he does) that is different from what you thought .. even if he didn't know previously that he had the orientation. Any questions about sexual orientation that come up during the course of a marriage are issues of the first order, much more important than a minor privacy transgression like computer spyware, really. Link to comment
eurocar Posted May 15, 2008 Share Posted May 15, 2008 It's a transgression, but it's not nearly on the same level as someone having a sexual orientation (if he does) that is different from what you thought .. even if he didn't know previously that he had the orientation. Any questions about sexual orientation that come up during the course of a marriage are issues of the first order, much more important than a minor privacy transgression like computer spyware, really. Orientation is mostly irrelevant. It's what you do that counts. Link to comment
novaseeker Posted May 15, 2008 Share Posted May 15, 2008 Orientation is mostly irrelevant. It's what you do that counts. Actually, having lived through this, I really disagree. Orientation is an issue for some (many?) women because it is not something they knew about, it is something they may find sexually to be a turn off (that is, it impacts their desire for you if they know you are bi) and it is also something that for some women can be self-esteem impacting (that is, it can undermine some women's confidence in that they thought they had attracted a virile, masculine man, but have instead a bisexual man who, in the eyes of at least some women, is ipso facto less masculine). Even if it remains "inactive" it's hardly irrelevant. Some women are comfortable with it, and others are not, but it's not irrlevant to many (most?) women. Link to comment
headhoncho Posted May 15, 2008 Author Share Posted May 15, 2008 Thank you. I feel I have a right to know the sexual orientation of my husband/lover/partner. Yes, I did transgress, I knew there was something he was hiding. I am glad he knows I know now. Link to comment
lukeb Posted May 15, 2008 Share Posted May 15, 2008 Spying on your partner creates this whole climate of secrecy, it doesnt promote openness and honesty it just aggrevates the whole situation. The husband now even feels more that he has to hide from you. You are just as much at fault for creating that climate. You may have a right to know if you feel you do, you just went about it in the wrong way. Link to comment
headhoncho Posted May 16, 2008 Author Share Posted May 16, 2008 I thank you for your reply. I would have never found out if I had not done this because he would have never told me he looks at tranny sex on porn sites, right? Why should he, it would be too difficult to tell me for fear & insecurity about revealing this personal turn on. fantasy vs. craving vs..... Link to comment
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