How...?

[Aries73]

How is it possible to gain anything resembling confidence when you've been at a dangerously low position for so long? For those not familiar with my situation, it has been more than 11 years since an engagement fell apart on me and had lost what little self-worth I had since that time.

 

At this point, I find it nearly impossible to communicate with a woman in an attempt to get to know her. So many previous failures ward me away from even making the attempt and any attempt I do make usually results in futility (she either is already involved with somone or appears to turn my attempts away). What can be done to break past this barrier? Can anything be done at all?

[jettison]

There is so much to say for a person's demeanor and vibe. Usually, it's natural. But occasionally, it's accidental, an abberation.

 

11 years of bad luck eh? That's a long time, and I can see how you might be discouraged. It would seem that you're kind of holding onto those memories as a signifier of what's possible, and you want to retap whatever you had that allowed you to be happy in the past.

 

Have you ever read "The Power of Now"? It may help you a bit. But beyond that, if you're just trying to connect with women, then start by connecting from a non-sexual starting gate. Talk to your mom, or your sister, or your friend, or your waitress, or the girl at the store. Just be polite and engaging. Practice. It doesn't have to be all about "getting the girl". When you're puting out positive vibes, everyone notices and sense that from you, and it's pervasive.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

what have you done for yourself to build your self esteem....because 11 years is a long time to be dwelling on a broken engagement. don't you think?

 

Ya know .. i had a lot of self esteem issues.. i have worked through them over the years- the one thing that helped me move past some of my issues was to realize that life is short... life is very short... and regardless of what you believe you only get one chance to live this life- and i personally do not want to be on my death bed thinking .."i wish i wasn't so self involved...i wish i would have lived more, took more chances and stopped worrying about what a bunch of strangers think" ...

 

because thats what you are doing- wasting your life ..worrying about what a bunch of strangers think of you- when in the grand scheme of things..it really doesn't matter.

[ghost69]

how many attempts have you tried? from what i gather it sounds too few. and if it's a lot, change your approach.

[Aries73]

I can only take so much rejection before I just shut down. I am at a near-zero point. Have been before then and since. I just don't know how to rebuild what wasn't very solid to start with.

[ghost69]

rejection only sucks if you let it get to you. if you put so much emphasis on meeting someone, you never will. and the heartache of not getting that girl's attention or her phone numbers makes it that much worse. it's a perfect stranger. you can't place any emotion on them.

[MattW]

Not that I have anything helpful to say, but I guess I just feel like talking about my own social "issues", heh... Anyway, my problems started all the way back in kindergarten; I was always a shy kid, and it didn't help that as soon as I started school, I pretty much fell in love with this one girl that was in my class. I think she's actually part of the reason I was so shy, to be honest; I was so worried about doing or saying something stupid that she might observe, so I pretty much just shut out everyone and did nothing. This went on for seven years; she eventually transferred schools, and that was heartbreaking to me, because I never even got to tell her I liked her, or anything... After that, though, I think I was so down, I just stopped caring about making a fool of myself in front of other people.

 

I started to open up more in seventh and eighth grade, but my confidence took big blows, because there were a few kids that did nothing but make fun of me (specifically for my height; I've always been short, and I still am... I'm only 5'2", 5'3" right now...). When that ended, and I got into high school, I sort of went back into my shy mode, because I only knew one other person going in, and I've never been good at just randomly meeting new people. But, through that one friend, I sort of branched out, and fell in with a group (and away from that one friend, unfortunately). I was just starting to open up again, and be myself, but the group I fell in suddenly turned on me, and literally made the rest of my high school years hell.

 

These guys were horrible; they constantly insulted me for my height, my general appearance, and later on for things like my inexperience with girls, and how I didn't like to "party hard" and "get wasted", etc. etc. At lunch time they would throw garbage at me for no reason, staining up my clothes. They even befriended one of the guys on the football team to push me around and steal my food (and mind you, I'm not particularly muscular or built, or whatever). And I couldn't go to any of the authority figures in the school, because if I would've done that, these guys would've been even MORE pissed off, and would've done even worse to me. To make matters worse, when I tried to break away from their group (which I tried many times), no one wanted to socialize with me, because they feared that by hanging out with me, they'd start taking abuse from those idiots, too. So I was stuck with them.

 

Finally, in the first half of my senior year, I didn't have them in classes or in my lunch period, and I found a new group to hang out with. Admittedly, I was shy around them at first, but I "clicked" with them so well that I opened up pretty early on, and I can honestly say, those 3-4 months were the most fun I ever had in high school. Unfortunately, in the second half of my senior year, I ended up back with the first group, and my confidence went right back down the crapper...

 

But overall, my experiences in school just wrecked a lot of my confidence... I rarely had "real" friends, so I never really got out a lot. Even now, after having graduated high school a year ago, I still don't really have "friends". I've just been working this last year, but I haven't been able to really relate to anyone enough to try to befriend them. I'm starting college in the fall, though, so hopefully I'll start opening up some more, and meet new people. I'm trying to work through my "issues" on my own, but I can't really tell how much progress I've made.

 

I never really dated or had a girlfriend, or anything, either, and that's kind of another thing that bums me out. I should note, I've never really had trouble opening up and befriending girls through high school, but I never felt that "vibe" from them that they were interested in anything more than friendship (plus, my confidence was at an all time low, so...). It's kind of stupid, but I think having a girlfriend would really boost my confidence, but at the same time, you NEED confidence to GET a girlfriend, so it's kind of lose-lose for me, huh? Heh... Ah well. Sorry I kinda jacked this topic, but it was kinda nice to vent here.