The Dagless File

[Dagless]

I've been thinking about my heroes, people I admire both real and fictional and although respect gratefully people like Bruce Lee, Martin Luther King, John Lennon, Winston Churchill for where they stand on a moral or Philosophy view point but there is also a group I admire for slightly darker reasons. Men like Solid Snake, Jack Bauer, Bruce Wayne and Rorschach. All fictional but all men who were prepared to do what they think is right even at the cost of their own personal happiness.

 

What does it say about me that I admire that so much when all these characters are all lonely and tragic figures? Maybe it's their will to make a difference that I love so much, knowing the difference between doing what is right and what is expected and not hesitating to break the rules if it means doing the right thing.

 

Fictional or not I think we all can admire that, can't we?

[Dagless]

There is a thread asking this question in the grief section. I haven't looked in it, I don't feel the need to see what people have posted because I know that it all comes down to what you believe as an individual.

 

I don't believe in fate or destiny or a masterplan. I believe in cause and effect. Every action has a reaction. As we live our lives we exist in a world where the gears of cause and effect are constantly turning with only our free will to turn them in our favour. Some causes are so absolute that they must have their turn and no amount of free will can stop them. We are survivors through time. We exist in bodies that grow and regenerate so that we can pass through time. Our minds can remember the past and anticipate the future but we are alive only in the moment. There is only one reason why we die and that is because we are alive. Death is just a moment in our lives......it just happens to be the final moment.

[Dagless]

I believe that there is something within me which is beyond my thoughts and my memories. Beyond my feelings, my desires and my fears. A part of me that exists beyond pleasure and pain. Something unrestricted and indestructible. The soul.

 

What the soul is exactly I'm not entirely sure but I like to think of it as software and the body as hardware, a physical interface for a physical world. Each body interprets the software differently because each body is created as a unique individual from a set of blue prints that can not be repeated. DNA. Even identical twins have different figure prints. The mark you leave on the world is yours and yours alone.

 

Your body is a unique instrument for the soul. It is like welding a guitar to your chest and learning to communicate only through that but the human body and mind are so much more complex because it’s a two way street. Not only does the soul pluck the strings but so does life. I’ve talked about defence mechanisms of the mind before, this is because the body and mind want to survive but it is the soul that makes us live.

 

It makes me wonder whether the soul is much more like an energy and underneath it all we are all the same. All from the same place….a collective.

And when we die we free ourselves of the physical and rejoin the collective leaving behind everything.

 

This is what makes our lives so important because it’s up to us to interpret the soul the best we can because no one can do it the way you do and once you are gone……..you’re gone forever.

[Dagless]

Be honest to yourself and you will see the beauty within the ugliness of the truth. Express it and others will see it too.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

don't hold back.

[Dagless]

As I tumble towards 20 months I can't help but note how little I feel this time around. I don't know what to make of this or whether I should make anything of it at all......

[Dagless]

Almost 20 months. I have lived with pain and sadness for so long that it feels surreal not to be feeling it now. This time of month has always been my dark zone but this time there has been nothing. I've been waiting for it but......nothing. Could it be that there are no more things to realize, no more things to feel? No more tears to cry.........

 

I never pictured of ever being without that pain and now I do not feel it I can't help but feel a little lost........and maybe a little scared. Maybe this is the new sensation I get this month, emotion calm. It too is something to get used to.

[Dagless]

After years in the wilderness I have decided to pick up my pencils again.

 

I loved art at school and I loved to draw. Before starting Art College I sat down and drew Boba Fett from a picture in a magazine. For no other reason that I loved that feeling of creating something, seeing it take shape in front of me and know that I had done that. Me.

image removed

It's funny looking at it now, knowing that it was over 12 years ago since I drew it. I should have so much more of this kind of stuff in my portfolio but college took me in a direction I didn't really want to go and since then I've been too distracted with things like getting a job or falling in love.

 

So I'm going back to my drawing board, dusting off my old pencil tin and I'm going to start drawing again because these hands of mine ain't designed to just move boxes around for a living.

[Dagless]

I sometimes wish that love was something you could put in an envelope and send to someone. And when they open it they feel it and they know that they are loved, by somebody, somewhere.

 

What is this thing in my chest? It feels like a maze these days. It's easy to get lost down the corridors of past love....lost love.......I fear stepping in but feeling so rarely ask for permission.

[Dagless]

Recently I have found that as I type my hands seem to be one step ahead of my brain or should that be one step to the side. I find myself typing "think" instead of "thing" quite a lot or D's instead of B's. That was something I did at school but in writing. It's never gone away.

 

I often wonder if I'm borderline dyslexic and it's just never been diagnosed. Sometimes I find posting on here difficult because my thoughts move too fast for me to express or maybe it's my hands that are slow.

[Dagless]

Do you ever feel like your brain isn't doing what it should be doing? Like there is some skill you forgot to learn like a feral child is never taught to speak so it never can......ever? Sometimes my brain feels like that, like I should be using it for something else but I have no comprehension of what it is.

 

All I have seemed to have done these past few weeks is work and I'm so freakin' tired. I've hardly had anytime it myself and I need that time to function. Being around people for such long lengths makes my head spin.

 

How I long to get away to be myself just for a little while.

 

Why does it make me feel so sad to think that?

 

It would be nice to find someone I could be myself with. I used to have that.......I miss it.......

[Dagless]

It's pretty obvious to me now why I have been having this feeling as if something is missing, as if I should be doing something else but I don't know what. It's because I am unfulfilled in my life at the moment and there is something missing out of it. A pretty big piece.

 

21 months ago I had a loving girlfriend who had a son and we were like a little family. Suddenly that's gone and it's going to leave a void. I miss having that in my life. I'm not saying I want a family, it's just there was a time that was the focus in my life and now I don't have that. So what is the focus in my life, my job? No. Maybe that's why it has been fulfilling because I'm doing a job that I'm doing it for nothing more than the money. There is no job satisfaction what so ever.

 

It was always my philosophy that you are not your job but that's not how it feels these days. My job is disposable and I feel disposable too.

 

Change is coming, I need to stay focused on that.

[Dagless]

Comin' Back To Me ~ Jefferson Airplane

 

The summer had inhaled

And held its breath too long

The winter looked the same

As if it never had gone

And through an open window

Where no curtain hung

I saw you, I saw you

Comin' back to me

 

One begins to read between

The pages of a look

The shape of sleepy music

And suddenly you're hooked

Through the rain upon the trees

The kisses on the run

I saw you, I saw you

Comin' back to me

 

You came to stay and live my way

Scatter my love like

leaves in the wind

You always say you won't go away

But I know what it always has been

It always has been

 

A transparent dream

Beneath an occasional sigh

Most of the time

I just let it go by

Now I wish it hadn't begun

I saw you, yes, I saw you

Comin' back to me

 

Strolling the hills

Overlooking the shore

I realize I've been here before

The shadow in the mist

Could have been anyone

I saw you, I saw you

Comin' back to me

 

Small things like reasons

Are put in a jar

Whatever happened to wishes

Wished on a star?

Was it just something

That I made up for fun?

I saw you, I saw you

Comin' back to me

[Dagless]

"I mean here is natural instinct and here is control. You are to combine the two in harmony. Not--if you have one to the extreme, you'll be very unscientific. If you have another to the extreme, you become, all of a sudden, a mechanical man- no longer a human being. So it is a successful combination of both, so therefore, it's not pure naturalness, or unnaturalness. The ideal is unnatural naturalness, or natural unnaturalness." ~ Bruce Lee

 

What we feel effects what we think and what we think effects what we feel. What we think and what we feel and the fine balance between them is what makes us human. Feelings often do there own thing and it is up to the mechanical nature of thoughts to make sense of them, to understand them. Don't let your logical mind fool you. A lot of what you may think is there to protect you from what you feel, to keep balance. There are things that happen in life that warrants at lot of emotion. To the point where you feel so much it can not be made sense of. This is often followed by a numbness as your mind tries to protect itself by swinging the scale towards the unnatural, the logical, until the raw emotions have passed.

 

"He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man."

~ Samuel Johnson

 

 

And he who denies his pain becomes a beast. Feelings are never to be feared but to be felt. Not to do so is to deny the very thing that makes us human and there is no shame in being human. Your soul reaches out through your feelings. Never try and stop yourself from feeling, instead understand why you feel what you do and then allow yourself to feel it.

[Dagless]

That's how I feel. I feel as if I have been fighting for four years, one way of another and now the war is over. I've hung up my rifle and rejoined civilisation and now it feels strange not be constantly fighting and this peace time seems so still.

 

There are so many out there fighting right now. We probably pass them on the street everyday and don't even notice. They look just like you and me. Just people living there lives.

[Dagless]

I came back from work and I'm getting changed in front of the mirror and I stop to look at myself. I have a big bruise on my chest and a little lower my ribbs are a little tender. I have little scratches on my arms or fading marks from old scratches that are slowly healing and my left forearm, that doesn't look hurt, feels sensitive to the touch. My shins always have at least three bruises on them.

 

You don't realise the little injures you pick you as you go along in life. Sometimes you are so busy you don't even notice when you get them. I wonder if emotions are like that? All the little wounds we collect......

 

Life has a way of toughening you up it seems.

[Dagless]

A strange question now. Reading something someone else had posted I asked myself that. Do I still miss her? Would it be cold of me to say no?

 

can you miss someone when all that exists of them lies within you? There is nowhere I can go to be with her, we can not be together but in a way we aren't really apart. I feel a calmness at that. There is no more longing, there is no more fighting, no more desire to undo what can not be undone.

 

Do I miss her? If I do I know where to find her.

[Dagless]

I'm trying not to be irrational because the truth is I know nothing about her, other than when she's near I feel strangely drawn to her. I feel insane. Part of me knows how ridiculous it is to feel like this but the other part likes it. Today I was talking to her, just about how my badge had broken and she turned round and worked a few paces to throw something in the bin and as she turns and walks back towards me she looks at me. And I'm looking at her and I can't take my eyes off her and she’s walking and looking right back at me. It was like a stare off or something but a really nice stare off. This is INSANE! I have no idea if she even has a boyfriend. AAAAAAGGGGGRRRRHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

 

Okay, okay I’m not going to get carried away by all theses weird feelings. If they mean nothing that's cool. Maybe I need my heart to kickout some sparks. Who knows when a fire might ignite?

[Dagless]

Do our wounds really heal or does the pain never go away, we just feel it for so long that we grow numb to it? The idea of there being nothing but numbness scares the hell out of me.

 

All this talk of love and death recently has thrown me back to darker days. My head has become so full of so many things I am having difficultly sieving through the feelings. It's difficult to tell the difference between what is real and what my mind is telling me is real. Is there even a difference?

[Dagless]

After a couple of days of confusion and over analysis which seemed to only lead me down blind alleys I decided that I should listen to what my feelings are saying. Seeing her smile makes me feel something I haven't felt in a long, long time and although I'm not exactly sure what it means I know that I have to let my heart feel this. It feels.......nice.

[Dagless]

They say nothing worth having doesn't come without some kind of fight but sometimes the fight doesn't come to gain something but when you lose it. That struggle is the same, no matter what time it comes. You put in the pain its worth, you take out the pain its worth. In the end when you look back you'll remember one thing.......it was worth it.

[Dagless]

Everything has an ending, nothing is forever. It's important to know this I think. It's what makes the unbearable bearable and the wonderful so precious.

 

"In the Kamigata area, they have a sort of tiered lunchbox they use for a single day when flower viewing.

Upon returning, they throw them away, trampling them underfoot.

The end is important in all things."

[Dagless]

It is bad when one thing becomes two. One should not look for anything else in the Way of the Samurai. It is the same for anything that is called a Way. If one understands things in this manner, he should be able to hear about all ways and be more and more in accord with his own.

 

It is a good viewpoint to see the world as a dream. When you have something like a nightmare, you will wake up and tell yourself that it was only a dream. It is said that the world we live in is not a bit different from this.

 

Among the maxims on Lord Naoshige's wall, there was this one: "Matters of great concern should be treated lightly." Master Ittei commented, "Matters of small concern should be treated seriously."

 

In the words of the ancients, one should make his decision within the space of seven breaths. It is a matter of being determined and having the spirit to break through to the other side.

 

There is something to be learned from a rainstorm. When meeting with a sudden shower, you try not to get wet and run quickly along the road. But doing such things as passing under the eaves of houses, you still get wet. When you are resolved from the beginning, you will not be perplexed, though you still get the same soaking. This understanding extends to everything.

 

Our bodies are given life from the midst of nothingness. Existing where there is nothing is the meaning of the phrase, "form is emptiness." That all things are provided for by nothingness is the meaning of the phrase, "Emptiness is form." One should not think that these are two separate things.

It is said that what is called the Spirit of an Age is something to which one cannot return. That this spirit gradually dissipates is due to the world's coming to an end. In the same way, a single year does not have just spring or summer. A single day, too, is the same. For this reason, although one would like to change today's world back to the spirit of one hundred years or more ago, it cannot be done. Thus it is important to make the best out of every generation.

[Dagless]

I used to like to eat my lunch on a bench over looking the lower floor of the mall. You could just watch people go along with their shopping or stop to have a coffee at the little cafe below. It was a quiet little spot, well for a shopping centre anyway. I don't like eating in the staff canteen, I don't feel like I can relax there for some reason. I guess it's because I really don't want to talk. I just need sometime on my own, alone with everyone.

 

They've just built a big food court and where my bench used to be is a dozen plastic tables and chairs. There is something so lonely about sitting at a table on your own. My quiet little spot isn't so quiet anymore. Why do we feel the need to fill places with noise and clutter?

[Dagless]

"It takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place."

 

 

Is it all just a massive waste of time? I've got to ask the question.

 

We've got to keep the faith haven't we? Faith in the belief that it is out there, what is missing. Whatever it is that is missing from your life, it is out there, somewhere. Seek and you shall find. Until then, don't stand still. The race isn't over yet.

[Dagless]

I got angry today. I felt an anger I han't felt in a long time. Someone wasn't thinking of what they were doing and someone could have got hurt. They didn't seem to see the seriousness of their actions and it just made me so mad. It just came out of me and I shouted at them.

 

Why do some people see it all as a game? Why don't they see the danger?

Why don't people just think for a second of what they are doing because I don't want to be the one calling an ambulance when something goes wrong. I never want to have to do that again.

 

Yes I got angry.....I think I had every right to.