The Dagless File

[Dagless]

"Life isn't just about passing on your genes. We can leave behind much more than just DNA. Through speech, music, literature and movies...what we've seen, heard, felt...anger, joy and sorrow...these are the things I will pass on. That's what I live for.

 

We need to pass the torch, and let our children read our messy and sad history by its light. We have all the magic of the digital age to do that with. The human race will probably come to an end some time, and new species may rule over this planet. Earth may not be forever but we still have the responsibility to leave what traces of life we can.

 

Building the future and keeping the past alive are one and the same thing."

[Dagless]

Last night I’m sitting here wondering if something I’ve done is that right thing to have done and thinking why was it so much easier when everything else was just a mess. It’s amazing how focused your thoughts can be when there is no room to think.I guess that’s my problem, I’m thinking about it too much.

Sometimes I think life should be like a book you write but you never go back to read the pages because all you do is pick out all the spelling mistakes.

Life isn’t flawless, we simple can’t go back and rewrite what has been written. Sometimes we don’t get to choose where the full stops get put or where the chapters end but we have to keep writing.

 

I was thinking today about an interview I heard with a gold medallist who was asked if it was worth all the years of hard work just for a few seconds of a race and he said something like this; “Yeah it’s a lot of hard work and it is years of training just for that one second when you cross that line but for that one moment it makes all the hard work and pain worth it because it’s a moment no-one can take away from you.”

And that’s life, the building for those perfect moments that no-one can take away.

We should not commiserate when they are gone but celebrate that we got to experienced them.

[Dagless]

I always believed that there is nothing that you can't put right if you think about it for long enough, that given time you can put everything right. Then something happens and suddenly you can't be with the person you're in love with. You can't hold them, you can't touch them, you can't move move up closely to them tell them to make there lips all soft and then kiss them slowly and then look them deeply in the eyes tell them that you love them. You can't do any of it and it's wrong, everything in you tells you that it's wrong and who wouldn't want to put that right.

 

I use to think that I could do something. That maybe if I lay in bed at night and thought about it hard enough that I would wake up on Christmas Eve and none of it would have happened. But there is nothing you can do but accept that there is nothing you can do.

 

Sometimes I blame myself for Lisa's death because I was there and I should have been able to save her. I tried to save her, with these hands, my hands and it wasn't good enough.

 

That's why I keep Jack's quote there, to remind me that it wasn't my fault.

 

"There are things in this world which are out of our control.

Sometimes we like to blame ourselves for them

so we can try to make sense out of them."

~ Jack Bauer

[Dagless]

link removed

 

I found this searching under identity crisis as I tried to make some sense of something I went through a couple month back.

I could relate to a lot of it and it helped me understand a lot of what I went through. It has an “alternative” stage of grief which made a lot more sense to me than the traditional one that you find, if you do a search. For me the final stage acceptance is a little misleading because it comes to you bit by bit, realization by realization. You don't suddenly wake up one morning and say "That's it I accept it all now". It is a lengthy process that takes time.

 

Here the five phases are; Shock and numbing, Withdrawal, Identity crisis, Reorganizing, and Lifting.

 

If you have lost someone you love then I recommend you read this.

[Dagless]

It's always been the same ever since I was at school, it's easy to pick on those who are different. If you are different then people don't understand it and people fear what they don't understand, so they like to get in their little groups where everyone thinks the same and they mock you for it so it makes them feel safer. They are the normal ones and you are the freak.

I'm not a smart guy, I never did that great at school but I tell you something I am not and that is ignorant. I will not turn my back on something just because it is not popular.

Some people will never see the beauty in things because they won't look beyond what they conceive to be normal, it is too different for them or because they don't "get it". If you don't look beyond your own nose how do you expect to see anything.

 

I don't mind being called strange or a freak, in fact it's the greatest compliment you could pay me.

 

"I'm not going to change the way I look or the way I feel to conform to anything. I've always been a freak.

So I've been a freak all my life and I have to live with that, you know. I'm one of those people."

~ John Lennon

[Dagless]

..... come to an end.

[Dagless]

I've had a really bad few days recently, what with the nightmares I had last week and it being 9 months yesterday. Sometimes life really does feel like a thankless struggle, you fall down and you pick yourself up again, you fall down and you pick yourself up again over and over again and what the hell for? I use to know what I was fighting for.

 

It's strange when I look at pictures of us together because I see us but that's not me. That's me when we were together and now I am alone. That is where the identity crisis begins when "us" becomes "me" and "we" becomes "I". I'd look in the mirror and I'd see my face, the same face who is in the photographs but that is not me. Who am I now?

 

It takes time to get use to the idea of being "I" and "me", to not think of "us" as being together which is difficult when you are not apart. There was no break up, I still love her with everything but I look in the mirror and I see me.....standing alone.

 

Life is not a thankless struggle. If we are not fighting for love then we have to fight for our chance to find love again. I fight for that chance.

[Dagless]

"On The Run" by Cast

 

All I do is a constant reminder

The future's here and it walks right behind ya

All I see is a constant illusion

My head spins and my world's in confusion

 

All I see is self-rearranging

The moment's here but it's already changing

Take one step and that's your direction

You ain't sure, now, was that the intention?

 

Close my eyes, I think of times

And this memory's twisting my head

I've got a feelin' that it's all not over yet

I've got some things that I just cannot forget

 

All I do is think of you, you've got me on the run

On the run, on the run

On the run, on the run

 

Looking round, you can take it or leave it

You got a feeling but you must believe it

All you do is constantly changing

You feel a rise and it's already fading

 

It's taken so long for the sun to appear,

Now the blue sky above is so clear,

And everything you need is so near

It's taken so long for the sun to appear,

Now the blue sky above is so clear,

Oh, and everything you need is so near

near

near

near........

[Dagless]

I posted something about this roughly a month back. I PMed a few people about it who showed interest but now I have decided to go public with it.

 

In the early hours of September 19th, I had just posted something in my journal and was thinking some deep thoughts about different things. I got up to go the bathroom with my bed room light on really low, just high enough for me to see. I went accross the hall and in to the bathroom, I was standing at the toilet I turned my head to the left I saw an orb go accross the bathroom door which was no more than a foot away.

 

This thing was about an inch in diameter and it was pure light. Now it was past midnight, all the curtains were closed and there wasn't any light on other than my bed room light which was on low so it couldn't have been some kind of weird a reflection from that.

I recreated it the night after with the light about the same as it was that night and there no way that the light somehow came from the road or any other source.

 

I have not seen it since.

 

I never believed in any of this kind of stuff but I know what I saw and what I saw I can not explain.

[Dagless]

As ten months approaches I can't help but feel how different this time feels. I would normally feel as if I am slipping steadily down hill as my moods drop but I do not feel that this time. I thought that it had begun a couple of days back but if felt more like a bump in the road rather than a ditch to roll in to and crawl back out again as my mood lifted within a day.

 

Could it be that I have passed though the eye of the storm, that all the worst is behind me and I can finally begin to move forward again? There are still seven days before I truly know how ten months is going to affect me and I am not taking anything for granted but I have never felt this light being this close before.

 

I talked to a good friend today, an ex-fireman and a really good bloke. He has seen some pretty bad things in his job as you might expect and I was talking to him about what I went through. There are elements to what happened that I will never talk about, they don't bother me and I see no point in upsetting some else with them.

It was good to be able to talk about things with someone who has experience of similar things just to have someone say "yeah, I know what you are talking about".

[Dagless]

I think my friends at work would be pretty happy to see me in another relationship. I guess they would like to see a sign that I have moved on and that I am finally ok. I wouldn't even think of doing anything in that direction until it has been a year and even then I have no idea if I'll be ready for anything like that.

 

My friend told me that this one girl who likes me. Apparently her eyes light up when she sees me (why on earth this should happen when she looks at me is beyond my comprehension) but I just told my friend that she isn't my type. That's all I seem to say "She isn't my type", I'm not even sure I have a type. The thought of someone liking me in that way has me running for the hill, it always has done.

 

Lisa was different, it took me two years to convince her to go out with me. She didn't even want to be touched by anyone she had been so hurt, we both had to learn that we could be loved I guess.

 

But no, I'm not looking for just anyone, I'll know her when she comes along.

[Dagless]

Ok so my friend has told me that the girl who she said eyes light when she sees me(?) is single because she has asked around. All I could say was "Really....that's......nice to know.....". This girl is nice but really isn't my type and I know that my friend means well but please don't try and fix me up with some one just for the sake of it. Just because I'm alone right now doesn't mean I'm lonely, I'm happy "dreaming my dreams and drifting within".

[Dagless]

IF you can keep your head when all about you

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,

But make allowance for their doubting too;

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,

Or being hated, don't give way to hating,

And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

 

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;

If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster

And treat those two impostors just the same;

If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken

Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,

And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

 

If you can make one heap of all your winnings

And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings

And never breathe a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

To serve your turn long after they are gone,

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

 

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,

' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,

if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,

If all men count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,

Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,

And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

 

Just had to post this here.

[Dagless]

If there has been one important quote to me it has been this one:

 

"The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows.

It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it.

You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life.

But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get it and keep moving forward.

How much you can take and keep moving forward."

 

 

I know it off by heart and it has become mantra for me. It reminds me that life will always try and hit you hard but you can move on and you can move forward. Rocky says after it "that is how winning is done" but I say that is how living is done.

[Dagless]

"For all the things that can not be fixed, we must accept them as forever broken and make something new and beautiful from the pieces that remain."

[Dagless]

It's been just over a year since I came back here, just six days after Lisa died. It had been years since I joined eNA and posted anything but by some miracle I remembered my user name and password, to this day I don't know what made me remember this place. I guess I had nowhere else to go and I just had to tell somebody.

 

A year ago I way a man who's future as he saw it no longer existed, I had to live day by day because I had nothing to move into. It seems to be part of the human condition that we love in a combination of the past and a projected vision of the future. Without it we have no drive, nothing to strive towards. That's what no one explains to you that when someone dies it's not just the end of a life but it's an end of a future too and that has to me mourned as well.

 

I see a future for myself now but what to do with it I'm not entirely sure. Whatever I do I have to do what is right for me, I think it was Bob Marley who said "If you know what life is worth you will look for your heaven on Earth".

[Dagless]

I had some feelings of anger over a few things last week. I posted about them

 

 

I realise now why I needed to feel angry about these things. It was to see the past for what it really was and to accept it for all that it was. Lisa and I were not perfect, I was young and naive and she had been hurt so badly in the past that she just couldn't be hurt again. She had her insecurities but she was the warmest, most loving person I ever knew even if at times she feared showing it. I'm not angry at the past anymore, we had so many happy times and it does make me sad when I think about the times we didn't see eye to eye, when we let silly things get in the way but we were doing the best we could because we loved each other. Above everything else we knew that.

 

I had two dreams about her last night. She wasn't in the first one but it was about her. In it she had died again (I don't know how this works but it was a little confusing) and I was shouting at my mom and dad that I couldn't go through this again and that they didn't understand what her first death had done to me. I woke up after that one and went back to sleep. Lisa was in the second dream, there was a lot of hugs and kissing. We were looking after a bunch of kids I think, maybe at a school or something. It's been months since I dreamed about her, it felt so real. I forgot how I felt when we were together, I forgot how......free I felt.

[Dagless]

Okay, so I had a week off work not last week but the week before and apparently quite a few people were asking where I was. Now, I have always thought of myself as a kind of invisible man, the guy no one sees and no one ever notices when he is not around. Apparently this is far from the case, even that lady on the Coast department who thinks my name is Steve was asking about me.*

 

On Friday one of the women said I was "lovely" and that she wanted to "take me home" with her......how does one respond to that?!

 

It appears I'm some what popular with women of a curtain age, the reason for this however is totally beyond my comprehension.

 

On a different note everyone seems to be very shocked at the fact I am nearly 28.......not least of all me! I still feel 26, 28 is getting way to close to 30 for my liking!

 

*This maybe because I always take their delivery out because I fancy one of the women on the Oasis department and their deliveries are always mixed together. Walking past the Oasis department with out carrying stock just feels like stalking.

[Dagless]

"Life just isn't like the movies is it? We're constantly led to believe in resolution in the establishment of the ideal status quo, and it's just not true. Happy endings are a myth. Designed to make us feel better about the fact that life is just another thankless struggle."

 

Although there are times I try not to feel like this, right now this is how I feel. It's days like this I just can't see what all this is for, it just feels so aimless.

[Dagless]

It's pretty obvious to me now that the cycle of my emotions going up and down and affecting me always around the 30th is still there. I don't think that I have ever thought that it had gone away but I never really think about it just happens. The strange thing is that when it starts seems to be getting closer and closer to the 30th or the end of the month when it used to start as early as the 20th. You've only got look at the date of my last post here to see how close it has gotten. Will it get to a stage when it never happens at all or will I always be going up and down in this way?

[Dagless]

Lisa's father has been calling on and off, every three weeks or so. I guess he has no one else but he must see that although I am not his enemy I and not his friend either. I spoke to him last time, he asked for some photographys because he only had a few. I let him have the ones I had made up a mouth after she died, I kept the few of us together.

 

I hope with that he will have no need to call again. I just want to leave all that part of my life behind, I just want to finally say that it is over.

 

I guess it already is, I mean him calling, what difference does it make?

[Dagless]

There are people, right now, who are working to create artificial intelligence, computers that can learn much like a child would. Let’s say that way in the future they will design a computer that is so complex that it will be capable of independent thought, that can understand what you say and how you act and will have the capability to be able to respond to you just as a human being would. But if we can recreate a human being with circuitry and programming is that all we are?

Are we nothing more than amazingly complex, biological computers with DNA as our programming?

 

I must have sat down to type this out a dozen times with my mind a jumble of things, quotes, lyrics, speeches, things I’ve over heard on the bus on the way home that send my mind in to places I never thought I would go in a search for whatever truth there is to be found there. All I can say is that there are more questions than answers, that seems to be the why of life. There are questions that will never have answers, life, love, the universe and everything, the meaning of life, the afterlife, it goes on. People have been asking those questions since the beginning of time and they will continue to long after I am gone but I guess that is the point. As long as we have the unknown we will have belief and having belief is what makes us different from the machines.

 

Your world is ultimately how YOU see it, don’t let anyone tell you that you are wrong because they are only seeking answers to the questions too. Maybe we are all wrong maybe we are all right but whatever you do never stop questioning, never stop doubting because the day we just accept our “programming” we will become no better than robots.

 

Never doubt, never ask, never seek, never find, never know.

[Dagless]

It was in the paper today, a little write up on the inquest in to Lisa's death. What I read made me upset and angry because it wasn't the truth. They said that she suffered a heart attack and I know that wasn't true, the doctor looked me right in the eye and told me it wasn't a heart attack so I know that for a fact. They where doing test after test to find out what caused it but they couldn't find what did. They even asked me if she took drugs.....

 

I know the truth, what happened that afternoon is written here, the people who read it know the truth too. Reading that today made me feel sick..........I took a shower and ended up crying in there again.

 

At least the inquest is done, with that I hope I can say that all this is finally over. Reading that today took me right back to that Sunday afternoon when it all happened. I never wanted to go back to that place, the feeling that lie there know no time. They are as real today as they were back then.......I hate this.......I hope that it is over, that the past can be left to lie.

[Dagless]

I couldn't sleep last night, I kept running what happened through my mind. I haven't felt like I that since the first months.....everything felt dark and claustrophobic again. I will never truly understand what happened that Sunday afternoon, there are too many questions, to many missing pieces. Too many things don't make sense to me, I don't thing anyone ever will ever make sense out of it.

 

When there are no answers to the questions you are asking, it's time to stop asking the questions. Going over and over what happened in my mind will only lead to me going insane.

This next bit I just have to type so I can read it back to myself: Whatever happened back then, you lived though that, there is no need to go back there and make sense out of it because it is done, it doesn't change anything. Here you are, right now, alive.....whatever you believed to get though it doesn't matter now, what matters is that you got though it....alive. The future is yours now.

 

The past is the past, it's over.......let it go.

[Dagless]

I accept the things I can not change.

I accept the things I will never know.

I accept the things I will never have.

I accept the things that will never be taken away.

I accept what happened that day.

I accept that I was not to blame.

I accept that you are gone.

I accept that I will always love you.

 

It's been just over fourteen months and I accept all the things I can not change. All I need to do now is work on all the things I can.