Letting go when you know it's overdue (this is long but I would really like advice)

[Somerandomguy82]

I have had this problem every Saturday for longer than I would care to admit since the end of my last relationship. It's Saturday and without work to force me out of bed and into work, I'm stuck here thinking about all the feelings I've tried my hardest to push aside during the week.

 

So I wake up and within a few hours I take a look at my life and my current state of affairs. It hits me like a ton of bricks. I'm still so raw after my last relationship that yellow colored cars, scents that remind me of her and even phrases I hear people say make me think of her and deeply regret my inability to have fixed myself for her.

 

I don't even know how long it's been. It's hard to even keep track. I had tried no contact several times and usually something would happen and she would contact me. I've lost track of time and feel that I'm just passing it each week at work and then on the weekend dealing with repressed feelings after my relationship.

 

I had a miserable attempt at a relationship with someone since then who at the time it felt like she pretty much just wanted me for relief after ending her long term relationship. She claims that she wants to be with me, but seeing her being constantly bombarded by text messages and phone calls from her ex trying to make her feel miserable reminds me of my ex doing the exact same thing to me.

 

I told her that I wasn't ready because I'm still not over my ex who I dated for a much shorter time and have been broken up with for far longer. I felt like now I needed to push two people out of my life even though I care about both of them. On one hand I had my ex who would approach me with fake attempts at concern so she could get her foot in the door to stab at me and on the other hand I have a girl who has been one of my best friends, is miserable and going through so much, but doesn't know who else to turn to for help.

 

I don't want to be selfish, but I also don't want to complicate my life any further. I feel that maybe there is a chance I could be with the new girl, but the circumstances are ridiculous and almost any way you look at it, I end up being the one extending myself, trusting someone in a way that most people aren't capable of and hoping that things work out.

 

I feel that I'm constantly being put in a position where I give people trust and try to put myself in their shoes, but it isn't being reciprocated. I'm always finding myself defusing jealous thoughts and telling myself that acting on them means it's worse than what I'm imagining. With both her and my ex I don't get that in return. My ex never trusted me and constantly went through all my stuff. The new girl is more trusting, but right now she is staying at her house with her ex boyfriend. She claims this is merely a financial thing because she can't afford the house by herself (which is true) and is very badly in debt.

 

I think at this point I've set a pattern for myself to be walked all over. I had allowed my ex do all kinds of unpleasant things to me on the grounds that I deserved it when any logical person would see that I didn't.

 

I consider myself emotionally involved with the new girl, but I feel that it's only going to end up hurting me. I will be blunt with her and tell her that staying with her boyfriend makes me think awful thoughts and she will tell me that I don't need to worry. I will believe her, but due to the circumstances I don't think it's fair for me to have to go through this. There are some things where despite my efforts I can't look at situationally and not worry if I'm looking out for myself at all.

 

A part of me is telling myself to push the new girl away, let my ex enjoy her new relationship and take a very long time to get over both of them. I know in reality that may be me being scared of being hurt and pushing away something that may be a very good thing if we can get past the less pleasant concerns of the situation.

 

I'm sorry for making this so long, but I don't feel comfortable talking to any of my friends about this anymore because they think I'm just delusional now for continuing to put myself through things like this and there is also the chance that one of them is going to read this. I don't want to feel like I can't talk about how I feel because it might hurt others any longer. I do that way too much and I can't imagine what repercussion could make things more complicated.

[Litgirl01]

Be more self-protective and get involved! Find things to do on Saturdays so that you aren't sitting there depressed! xx

[BeStrongBeHappy]

First, you need to put to rest the ex that is gone. You can't evaluate any new relationship accurately when still wrapped around the axle of an old one. So tackle why that is still weighing on your mind, and why you can't let it go. Go into total and strict no contact with her, rejecting her calls and refusing to have any contact. She is unfinished business, so finish it.

 

Then look at the new girl and decide whether the relationship is adding value to your life, pleasure, support, fun. If you are just reacting out of fear (unfounded fear) then that may not be the answer. But if you seriously think she is cheating, then you have to deal with that. But if you just are being pessimistic based on past experience, don't discard her until you are thinking more clearly and can evaluate things.

 

Regarding her living with her ex, does she have a plan to solve this? I.e., in a few months when more financially stable they move? If she has a plan and is working her way out then wait and see.

 

You just need to make a list of everything upsetting you, and come up with a plan to resolve the problem. But unloading the ex from your life completely is a no brainer. Don't let her continue to drag you down and affect your views of the world.

[Somerandomguy82]

Be more self-protective and get involved! Find things to do on Saturdays so that you aren't sitting there depressed! xx

 

I know that is the right thing to do in theory, but I seem to fall short on the execution side of things. I know that at some point today she is going to call me and will probably sound like she's been crying all day due to a combination of the end of her last relationship and the job crisis she is going through.

 

She will ask me if she can come over. I will want to see her and even while something in my brain is slapping another portion of my brain in an attempt at self preservation I will probably tell her that she can come over.

 

She is going through so much right now. I would feel cruel telling her that it's not my problem.

 

I guess that could all be irrelevant if in the meantime I were getting involved and doing things other than focusing on the strange situation I'm in.

[tazthecat]

I know exactly what your going through..I did the same. After me and my ex split, just to dull the pain I dated another girl..She came with her own baggage...It was like deal with two losses instead of one, and everyday it tore me apart..

 

You need to soul search..Reasonable deducting what is best for you..

 

Should you release both ladies and work on yourself.

 

Or do you want to try and work things with the new girl..

 

I know what you mean also by getting through the weekends, because when me and my ex split, the weekends were the worse for me..

 

 

But now you need to become actively productive..I make a list of things to do, day after day..Make it a list of accomplishments..

Go to the gym, ride your bike.. Visit and old friend you haven't seen in a while..Draw, read, write..Start filling your days with activities..

[Somerandomguy82]

I should clarify that my ex was recently forcing herself in my life, calling me non-stop, showing up at my door, but that is not happening now. That was a couple of weeks ago and since then she has started a relationship with someone else. I suppose knowing that is playing it's part, though I know that now she will finally stop forcing herself into my life despite how hard I try the no contact thing.

 

I think I will actually try the list thing. Hopefully that will help me evaluate what needs to be dealt with more urgently.

[Somerandomguy82]

You're absolutely right. I've been going back and forth with the moving forward instead of backwards thing. I've been working out a good bit, but I still find myself so down on the weekends. I have entirely too much drama in my life right now. My ex is gone and deep down I want her to be happy.

 

I know that I need to put one foot in front of the other and out the door right now, but actually doing that is the hard part. It's just like working out for me. It's not the physical part that is the problem, it's making myself do it. I feel ridiculous identifying my problems, but still not acting on them. I really need to quit feeling sorry for myself.

[tazthecat]

Quitting feeling sorry for yourself is al part of the healing process, as well as saddness, angerm denail, confusion and desperation...

[Somerandomguy82]

Im in the sameboat man. On saturdays (or down time just keep telling yourself "this shall pass".Helps me for some reason . Stay active ,keep busy,focus on yourself.Your #1. Find songs that help you get over her. I.e For me its 2pac....

"stay sharp and heartless,cuz these Bitshes will start $h*t ,excuse but this is where we part Bish..." lol. Find yourself a lyric from a song that helps you.

 

If your still this fragile you should stay a away from relationships until you can truly say your strong on your own

 

I have a few songs like that. Mainly this one:

I can see it in your eyes I can hear it in your voice

the signs are obvious that all we had has run its course

and I don't mind giving up the upper hand in this little charade

cause I've spent too many nights here on the floor waiting for something inside you to change

 

I feel like my brain is fighting against me to listen to the rest of the world on Saturday. Normally I'm strong and I get on with my life. On Saturday I think about her in her orange zipped up hooded sweatshirt with her hair pulled back and hugging me. I think about kissing the top of her head because she was cute and short so she only came up to my chin...

 

I make myself miserable.

[EyesOnThePrize]

You have beagle puppies! How can anyone be miserable with beagle puppies? I grew up with a beagle and love 'em!