Is there ever a happy medium?

[redrose85]

Today I got to feeling like I am really lonely in my relationship. We don't have much in common these days, and I'm feeling a bit distant from him. I feel like all he ever says to me is "I love you" or, "how was your day?" There's no real conversation lately. I found myself thinking today that I may be much happier with someone else, someone who likes being outdoors, excercising, trying new things, etc... He does eventually try new things, but it's kind of in slow motion. If he liked being active and being outside, rather than in front of a computer, he'd be perfect for me, but unfortunately, he doesn't, and he never truly enjoys it when I do get him outside. I would like to get out to see concerts and things with him, not just with my friends, but he doesn't like it, and he doesn't want to spend time with my friends. I see his friends at least once a week, and I grin and bear it as the whole group talks shop. I'm a good sport. He's been out with my friends and I a couple of times, but that's few and far between. We have discussed all that I've written here a few times, but it only temporarily gets better.

 

I do like that he is laid back and relaxed, doesn't stress, and supports me in everything I do... but I need more excitement, and I want other parts of my life to involve him too. Then there was my ex, who was not laid back at all and was always out partying, and who was very high strung in general. I thought it was a dream come true when I met my current bf, but two years later, I'm bored. There are only two things really wrong here- one- he is not active (outside of work) and two- he isn't very social when it isn't his friends. For the most part, I am happy, but I feel like I'm settling. I want my life to be the very best it can be, and I don't know anymore if this relationship is a good thing. It's starting to feel more like a habit.

[DN]

Well, then perhaps you should leave him and let him find someone who likes him as he is.

 

I hope you find someone who meets your criteria. Just be aware that it is very rare to find someone who is perfect for you. When people do say that they have someone perfect it means they love them enough to overlook their flaws.

[redrose85]

That's what I mean. It's just those two things, but they really bug me. I don't know if they're big enough to be deal breakers or not. Do you think they should be, or is that just small stuff?

[DN]

That's what I mean. It's just those two things, but they really bug me. I don't know if they're big enough to be deal breakers or not. Do you think they should be, or is that just small stuff?

Everyone has the right to their own dealbreakers and what other people think doesn't really matter because some will think they are important, others will think they are trivial but no one else but you has to decide.

 

But you have to decide if your love for him isn't strong enough to get past this - or at least try to find a compromise.

[redrose85]

I really don't know. I'm in the midst of a "down" phase, so I don't know what or who I want right now. I'm confused and just waiting for this phase to end.

[DN]

I really don't know. I'm in the midst of a "down" phase, so I don't know what or who I want right now. I'm confused and just waiting for this phase to end.

Well, I suggest not doing anything until you can make an informed and rational decision. Breaking up with him and then changing your mind doesn't necessarily mean he will take you back.

 

He may have his doubts about you as well.

[redrose85]

I can't just break up with him anyways. We live together, and we just moved to a bigger place that was for the two of us, rather than the bachelor suite we lived in before. I don't really want to break up with him, I just want to know how to make things better. Maybe he does have his doubts about me. Ever since we hit the 2 year mark, it's like the pressure is on to become even more committed, or to break up.

[DN]

Have you talked to him about your concerns? If not perhaps you should. But not in any sort of accusing or aggressive way but simply asking him to try and see things from your point of view.

[JeckyllNHyde]

I sometimes feel this way in any relationship. Just borderline bored, or lacking excitement after some of the newness has worn off, even 6 months in. I need excitement; or at least a bit.

It's just who I am.

Lately with my current bf I felt that way, disconnected today and feeling like maybe we don't spend enough time doing stuff together.. I thought today itself: "god.. I want to go out and have fun tonite b/c it's the weekend. He wants to stay him. What to do?"

 

I asked him to join me, and at first he looked at me like "what's gotten into you, lol" and we got some beers and some peanuts and just went and hung out and had a "mini picnic" outside the 2 of us. The good thing is he is willing to do stuff with me and try new stuff. I think he has slowly realised I'm not a stay at home person all the time. I have my periods where I like getting out, and doing new stuff so I notice he makes an effort to join me. This is actually a side of myself I never knew existed, I too thought I was out of the party/going out fase.. turns out I love excitement and going out and I am taking the lead when it comes to planning stuff to do.

He's loving it too so far.. everything we have tried. Even going grocery shopping together as unexciting as it sounds but it was the first time we did it together. Haha!

 

Have you asked your bf to do stuff with you?

This is really just a case of communication and him willing to make an effort to try and enjoy stuff you like. He may love it too.

 

\But first you do have to explain to him how you are feeling and what you are lacking. He may make more of an effort this way. From what you explained of him in the past he seems like he would be up for it.

 

It's not really a reason to break up over yet. At least give it a shot. Goood luck.

I am learning though that it truly helps when your someone loves to do some of the stuff you do...

[Haven]

I'm sure he must like some activities other than sitting in front of a computer (most people do... take this from someone who has had many friends who are hardcore engineer geeks). You could try to ease him into them. There are plenty of activities that are active but indoors. Like, an arcade, bowling, laser tag, ice skating, etc. Almost everyone has done these activities as kids so they shouldn't be new to him. They are also not that active, so hopefully they'd be a compromise between exercise and sitting. Good luck.

[redrose85]

Yes, he does like gaming and doing RPG's with his friends. They do that once a week. He loves paintball, and I'm going to play my first game with them next week. He's excited about that, because with everyone's schedules, it's hard to get games organized more than a few times a year. He knows how I feel about this. I asked him the other day if he wanted to go on a hike outside of town, and he said not now, but next Thursday we will go. I'm holding him to that.

 

I think I just needed to write that and get it out of my system. My friends are too busy talking my ear off to hear anything I have to say, so I had to turn to ENA. After he got home last night, I made sure to pay attention to him and to be cuddly and warm. Turns out, I've been acting quite distant lately myself, and he hasn't felt as though I've appreciated the things that he does for me. After cuddling and playing a bit with him, I felt much better and the in love feeling started to come back. So, I guess the honeymoon stage is over, and now we have to consciously work at it.

 

Bottom line- what really gets me is that aside from these little differences (and there are ALWAYS going to be differences, I know that) this is a really great relationship, and I can see going through life with him. What worries me though is that if we do get married and have a family down the line, what if he turns out to be like my dad, who very rarely took part in family activities (hiking, various sports, beach in the summer, etc...) when I was growing up. This obviously drove a wedge between my parents, and I don't want history to repeat itself for any future kids.

[JeckyllNHyde]

That's a valid concern. Tried bringing up what his views are on what type of dad he sees himself being *someday*?

From what I have heard from guy friends, most aren't the way you discribe yor dad. EVen my dad wasn't that way. They usually want to be a part of their childs life, and for instance "teach their kid how to play football/baseball/etc".

My dad also always took/takes me with him wherever he goes. I think the only way your bf would become like your dad is if you let him just stay home and take the kids on your own (someday).

 

It's all about the type of relationship you create with your bf IMO. And history won't need to repeat itself.

 

Still.. I say talk to him. Think back to other times stuff has bothered you and after a nice talk and getting your feelings out and open to him.. It's like a relief usually.

[redrose85]

I think he would be a playful and doting dad. To this day, he has his two giant boxes of legos, and I'm pretty sure that he's keeping them for his future kids. My fears may be pretty unfounded, but I can't help but wonder...

[DN]

People parent in different ways sometimes and so long as one parent doesn't undermine or countermand the other - that's fine.

 

I wouldn't advise looking for similarities between your boyfriend and your Dad and assuming that they will parent the same way - there are too many variables to make that likely.

[redrose85]

You're so right. Just because he has quirks and habits that make me think "omg I'm dating my Father!" doesn't mean that he is just like him. He dotes on me and treats me wonderfully, so why wouldn't he do that with hypothetical children. I'm sure if we had a happy marriage, much unlike both sets of our parents, the family dynamic would be much different as Mom and Dad would like to spend time together. When he came home from work today, the spark was back in full force. I guess it's just the unknowns that scare me a bit and put a fight or flight response into place on occasion. Thanks so much for your input everyone. It's really helped!