Cinco De Mayo Nightmare...Just trying to fit in?

[digitaldiva]

The last time my boyfriend and I went out with his friends, I felt he was too flirtatious. He even told me that some of the females at the party kept saying how they couldn't touch him and rub on him because his girlfriend was there. I didn't see it to this extent, but I did she him rubbing shoulders, giving overly friendly hugs, touching someone's leg when speaking. When the night was over I confronted him about it. I told him that I didn't like what went on. He went into a long story of how many people in relationships may not think it's okay to do, but how he's different and he sees it as something that ok and harmless. And how he only spends time with me, loves me, ect, ect.

 

I don't flirt or even really look at other guys when I'm out with him or alone. It's not something I do intentionally. I just don't feel the need to do it. Him looking at someone isn't the problem.

 

He ended up writing me a long e-mail the next day. Telling me how he shouldn't have had the conversation after he had been drinking. A week ago we touched on the topic again. He jokingly said how he knows he can't invite me to any of his friends' parties when girls are there. Then, he goes on to say how he wouldn't be as flippant if we went to another party hosted by his friends.

 

On Cinco De Mayo I went to a Mexican bar/club with a couple of girlfriends of mine. This is one of my boyfriends favorite spots. I jokingly tell my girlfriend that my boyfriend is probably here, and he was there. He came up behind me, happier than usual, said his hellos then invited me to join him and his friends after I got settled.

 

All of the thoughts from being out with him on a previous occasion started to fill my head. I just knew he was there with his friends and another girl.

 

One of my girlfriends is pretty hostile and she immediately wanted to go with me to see what he was doing. Another girlfriend said I should just let him enjoy himself and leave without going to see him even though he invited me. She mentioned that if a man is going to cheat he's going to cheat, u can't do anything about it, yada yada.

 

I went down there and I immediately felt uncomfortable. His guy friends greeted me wearily and the girls did as well. But they pulled themselves together and gave me and my girlfriend a warm hug. I found out that he told one or more of his female friends that I didn't like what went on last time and I was on my way down to join them.

 

Everyone was already pretty intoxicated. I gave her and her girlfriends a big hug. My boyfriend gave me a big kiss and bought a couple of drinks. My girlfriend ended up leaving.

 

We left the Mexican bar and went to a club. By this time I was extremely drunk. I flirted and danced with some of his guy friends and girlfriends. One of the girls myself and my boyfriend also ended up dancing together for a second.

 

AT THE MOMENT, it felt really good to just be myself and have a good time. There were still instances when I saw him hugging females or just being flirtatious and I felt very uncomfortable. I just turned my head had another drink, then, sat down next to one of his friends and began to flirt with them.

 

The next morning I was extremely hung over. Being that I feel like I'm being a little too needy in this relationship as it is, I do not like calling my boyfriend and try hard to avoid it. I especially don't like calling and asking him to do something for me. But I had a splitting migraine and needed Tylenol.

 

I had to call about 4 times before he answered. He rarely picks up the phone when I call him.

 

He said he would bring it and mentioned that he also bought me something for my sinuses the other day.

 

He brought the Tylenol, laughed about my hangover, then left.

 

As the next couple of days have gone by, I keep feeling worse and worse about cinco de mayo. What did I teach him? That it's okay for him to flirt with other girls and be flippant?

 

During the cindo de mayo escapades, I was actually thinking about myself and not him. I was trying to just appear more confident and comfortable with the whole situation. Jealously just steams from your own insecurities right?? I didn't want to seem insecure or jealous I wanted to fit in......... But at what cost?

 

I always think that a guy is a jerk when he tries to flirt with me and his girlfriend is standing right there. I also think much less of the girl for allowing it to happen. Do other people see it this same way?

 

I know this seems like a No Brainer, but I'm really unsure as to what I should do. Or maybe I just made my bed.

[Lana0120]

Personally, I think your insecurities are justified. For some couples, they might feel happy if they flirt with others (but don't act upon that flirting), but it's obviously something that makes you feel uncomfortable. I think a lot of people would feel the same way. It's making you doubt yourself... wondering if on the one hand you're being unreasonable, or if on the other hand your feelings are justified. I think they probably are justified, but I don't think you're going to get him to change his ways. I think you need to work out whether you can accept this kind of behaviour on a long-term basis, or whether you should get out of the relationship altogether.

[Excalibur]

It taught him that you drink to avoid problems...

[JadedStar]

We left the Mexican bar and went to a club. By this time I was extremely drunk. I flirted and danced with some of his guy friends and girlfriends. One of the girls myself and my boyfriend also ended up dancing together for a second.

 

Basically you just showed him that you will gripe about what he does but proceed to do it wiht his friends as well.

 

You accomplished little to nothing by doing the above.

 

He has told you this is who he is and how he is. Basically this means you will have to decide if you can deal with him as is or not. If not, you are better off leaving him. He offered up little compromise the first time you chatted about this and just said this is what his thoughts are on the topic.

 

I htink you guys sound like you get drunk a lot and the heavy flirtations from the both of you occur when intoxicated. It is what it is. Keep drinking to get drunk, keep dealing with the consequence.

[eurocar]

It taught him that you drink to avoid problems...

 

Agreed.

 

The best thing you can do is address problems, not prolong them with booze.

[digitaldiva]

It taught him that you drink to avoid problems...

 

 

LOL.

 

No, I usually don't drink much. When he and I hang out, it's usually somewhere fairly intimate. Not bars and clubs. In the 6 months we've been together, this is the 2nd time we have gone to a club together.

 

So, if your man flirts and you feel uncomfortable, doesn't that mean you are insecure or he's disrespectful?

To answer my own question I guess it depends on the extent of the flirting.... ?

 

Oh man.

 

Thanks for all your help.

[Excalibur]

Are you a part of his ethnical culture - or not?

[servedcold]

I see your side of this, and am in your camp as far as his fault in this, but agree with Jaded also verbatim. People who try to date someone exclusively and maintain a drinking partying lifestyle at the same time will run into problems almost as a matter of course. These "friends," are they truly friends? or just drinking/party buddies? There is a huge difference. When involved with someone exclusively, the friends can stay, but the drinking/party buddies, especially of the opposite sex need to GO, no ifs ands or buts...

 

If your BF values you, he will drop all the partying and tone down into a normal social life. Having a normal ouside social life does not mean drinking in bars several nights a week and going to wild parties with lots of singles, even if you are relatively young. Doesn't sound like he values you enough to change, so you have a hard decision ahead.

 

If it helps any, I am in the same boat with almost every woman I date these days, and find an awful lot of children are walking around out there in 40 y.o. bodies.

[Excalibur]

Objectively stated observations:

 

Flirtation is not seduction.

 

Dating is not a relationship.

[servedcold]

what's your point, excalibur?

 

Whatever flirting is or is not, it is most certainly disrespectful to someone one is dating exclusively. People exclusively involved shouldn't be doing much, if any, flirting, especially if it annoys their SO.

 

And by any reasonable definition, dating necessarily entails a relationship, as people generally don't date people they don't know...

[digitaldiva]

We are sort of the same culture. He's from Africa and I'm a black American. Our cultures are somewhat different, but he isn't fresh off the boat! LOL. He doesn't have an accent and he is very intelligent, sociable and well traveled.

 

I don't feel as comfortable socializing with my single, party goer friends when I'm in a relationship. Our lifestyles at that point just are not the same. But I do try and maintain contact with them to a certain extent and gravitate more so to friends that don't center their activities around drinking and and a more social atmosphere. I don't force myself to do this. It just comes natural to me when I'm dating.

 

I felt like he fulfilled most of my needs in a relationship. I guess he doesn't feel the same about me. If he did, there wouldn't be a need for him to be extremely flirty with other females. Seems like he's still "looking around".

 

Oh save me from rationalizing.

When things like this happen, not spending enough time, he's flirting around and things, it makes me feel like I'm not doing something correctly in the relationship and I can't help but sort of go into overdrive. I wish I didn't do this. I don't want to nag and seem needy. I just try and brush it off.

 

Thanks Guys.](*,)