The Last Resort

[Mandoro]

So I stand here before you this fine hour, creating a journal for all my muses to go into. Out of necessity do I do this, because basically this is the last resort. I don't know what else to do, the depression has gone too far and Im tired of it. I hear writing does people some good. Maybe I am one of those people. Only time will tell. Without further adue.

 

Obviously I am in a depressed state. I usually don't talk about it with people because well no one, at least in real life, seems to care. Tis probably why I end up in these states.

 

Tonight I am depressed because of jealousy. Its always the same thing. My friends have girlfriends and I don't. People would call this sulking, which is probably another reason why I rarely do this, people automatically call you a sulker and tell you to suck it up and that isn't helping anybody.

 

As far as the depression goes, this always happens every once in awhile. Ill get back to my place after some time with friends and I will realise how well they have it and how I yearn to feel what they feel when they are with their respected others. It kills me inside to think about it and the only way to get rid of it is to go to sleep, but with this nagging at you sleep is a precious comodity.

 

In times like this I obviously blame myself because of my inability to function like a educated human being. My crudeness is my downfall. Im such a simple man and yet at the same time I am such an unsiccessful man. Everytime I think about it complexity seems to be key in this world and I hate it. Why can't a man just be himself and not have to make himself look and be like someone else to be successful. I am clean, considerate, somewhat intelligent (although not socially), funny, etc. and I am unsuccessful because I don't have my hair geled, I don't wear the hip clothes and I cuss a little.

 

Everytime I think about this I also think about my brother. Not because he is a successful person with a girlfriend of his own, but because he told me he would help me out when he got here. He could have totally been joking, but I now have a firm belief in the fact that I can't do this on my own. I hold on to that sentence in belief that everything will be alright soon enough. That I will soon be amongst my friends with a girlfriend of my own.

 

Its crazy, I never thought a girl in my life could do so much. I believe though that with a relationship everything else will because just so much better that I could not fail at anything else. Saying these things must put me way ahead of my age bracket because at 19, in college, the only thing most people think about are the quickies. They want to get in, get out and be done with it. I say nay. What I want is a relationship where you can be with that person and know everything will be alright, where you think about her everyday and can't wait to see her. I want the relationship to be about her to me and about me to her. One where we care so much for each other, hurting each other is simply out of the question. I may be asking for too much, but who knows. Only time will tell.

 

For now, those are what I have to put into this journal. Reply if you like, I dont mind and Im also curious as to what everyone has to say.

[Mandoro]

Well as the title says, I've been unfairly treated by my roomate. It all started about 6 months ago when he decided to completely disrespect me through not following things we've agreed upon. Stuff like notwashing what you use. Keeping the place that you use clean. Basically it was all cleanliness stuffs because there has to be a certain level of health in a place, or atleast I thought. Because he didn't clean what he used and all the dishes used ended up in huge piles in the sink it forced me to not be able to use the kitchen any more. I began to live out of my room in my apartment. I conducted every sort of business in my room and it let to my room becoming messing due to the fact.

 

All the while he isn't paying his bills on time (when he does pay them) and when he doesn't I have to in order to keep the electricity on and to keep up from getting kicked out. Hes paid all that back, but here recently he has incurred an electric bill of 170$ (because he hasnt paid for the past couple of months) and he jetted today without paying and he has had ample time. On top of that the next electric bill will be about 100$ a piece so in the end he will en dup oweing 270$ to the elctric company which will probably funnel over to me. Which really pisses me off. To take the cake, he didnt clean any of his * * * * , left all his * * * * in the pantry, cabinets and what not, and also stole a few things from me! Albeit they were cords and other various things of minimal value, its the principal that counts.

 

To avoid me all the numbers he has posted are to his cell phone (which is always off), but I got his other number from the main office and called him. I was proud of myself that I didnt yell at him, but I know what I said didn't get the point accross. Nothing gets the point accross to this kid and I just don't know how and what I should do.

[Mandoro]

Well I tried all day to call my roommate to get the money for the electric bill, but he ignored all my calls. This is getting really ridiculous, since when did people refuse to be responsible. It appalls me to think about it. Well Im going to have to go up to the electric companies office and pay his half of the bill because he obviously isnt.

 

A lot of stress has been relived since school ended. Even though this is still looming in the forefront of my mind, I am still a lot happier now that school is over. Although, I am beginning to realize that this summer will be without friends. Kinda depresses me a lil, but Im sure it will be fine wince I will be back home and my brother will be off from school too.

[Mandoro]

I completely forgot about this journal! Ahh I can't believe it. I got my grades and I made an A, 2Bs, and a D. Its passing, but I kinda screwed up finals and botched 2 As and a C that became the 2Bs and D. Ah it sucks. Other than that I was summoned to jury duty and I wrote an article of sorts about it. Here it is:

_______________________________________________________________

Passing Judgment

------------------

As some of you may know and most of you may not, I was summoned for jury duty. People usually seem less than pleased when they are selected, but I was totally stoked. I guess it had something to do with the chance to be able to partake in the justice system of our country or maybe I was just down right curious. Either way I couldn't wait.

 

 

I got there this morning at the god awful hour of 8:30am. Now to most of you productive people that is cake, but if it's earlier than 10am I'm kinda screwed. I am there I turn in my ticket to the lady and sit in the court room. I look around and I realize I am the only person under 30 maybe 35. Older people are always more talkative. Works for me.

 

 

We were supposed to start at 9am, but the efficiency of the justice system held true and we didn't get started til like 9:45am. Fine, whatever it takes to get on the jury. They all come in and the judge basically reads to us the back of the card, except its in a book on his desk, altar, throne of death, whatever you want to call it. He asks if anyone thinks they qualify for the stuff he told us (exemptions and disqualifications) and he asked us to leave because they will assign us numbers and then have us come back into the courtroom. Awesome because I was totally due for feeling like being branded by a number.

 

 

There we are there in the jury room, 15 people and 8 seats, sweet, and us being the southern gentlemen we were gave all the ladies the seats. Me being the young buck after women come the old men and there were plenty of those. One guy was 69, which I woulda never guessed. When they thought they had everything figured out they actually didn't and had us do a few amen hallelujahs. For those you who don't know what that means, its where you get up real quick and them sit back down in quick succession. There is supposed to be prayer involved, but its a term used for having to get up and sit down quickly. Or at least I coined it to be.

 

 

After they finally figured out their numbering system they had us all come back in and started the Voir dire. This is where we get to openly discuss with the lawyers and we have to tell the truth. The Assistant District Attorney asked us all kinds of stuff, but one that stood out to me was that he asked if any of us knew anyone else. Of course we all knew at least one person on the jury. He had us raise our hands if we knew anyone else on the jury and we all raised our hands. The look in the Assistant District Attorneys eyes was priceless. He was basically flabbergasted. Welcome to Falls county big city lawyer. His next question resulted in about the same thing. He asked how many of us knew the defendant. Now I didn't know him, but it seemed that 5 of the potential jurors did.

 

 

Other notable things that stood out was my debate with him about the credibility of the victim and how they will over exaggerated the damage done in their favor all the time. He tried to say that if I was the victim of something that I would want to testify and he wanted me to answer his way, but I got him by saying I wouldn't believe myself if I was victim of something traumatic because that is what I believe. That kinda threw him off, but hes an attorney he can comeback. I learned something about myself today. I learned that I don't think the victim as credible when it comes to testimony, of course that only applies to traumatic events. The whole debate started because he asked us what we thought about only one witness being capable of get rid of any doubt in a case.

 

 

Now for the defense attorney. I coulda told you as soon as he walked in I wasn't going to like him and when he started talking he didn't help his case any. He coulda sat there and at least spared himself, but no he had to get us and throw his statements at us. One thing I'm not a big fan of is passive-aggressive attacks on people and that is exactly what he did. He basically tried to down the Assistant DAs entire presentation through passive-aggressive attacks. WTG dumb ass. Oh and another thing he did was he apparently left out a few key parts in his presentation because he had the DA object like 5 times during his proceeding because of his mispresentation of the law.. WTG dumb ass again.....

 

 

Well we heard their presentations and they let us out for lunch. For those of you who don't know Marlin there really isn't much in the way of food. There is a DQ (sub-par), McDs(need I say more), and a Sonic(I actually forgot about this until after this whole ordeal was over). So I ended up driving home and had a bowl of cereal because it seems that my family doesn't have food here unless I come home. Since I just got here, they haven't been able to stock up on food yet. So I had my bowl and I had to get back.

 

 

I get back and they have us sit in the jury room while they pick us. Yet again, they fooled us thoroughly and had us do a few more amen hallelujahs. We finally got downstairs and they picked the jurors and that was it. I wasn't selected. Well boo. What surprised me more than that was the fact that it was about 2:15 and they were expecting to get the case done by 5. Whatever floats their boat. I was happy to get out of there, but I still want to be a juror for a trial.

[Mandoro]

Its been awhile and it seems I always come back when I don't know where else to turn.

 

Since my last entry alot has improved. Ive met more cool people(cant even count em on one hand), some of which I hang out with everyday (currently me, my bro, and 2 girls), but there is the problem because one of the friends I am falling for. It wasn't as soon as I met her, she kinda grew on me as I got to know her more.

 

Shes awesome. She has her own style, shes independent but shy at the same time, I think she is gorgeous no matter what she has on (even in her weird dresses that she wears converse with!). Gah just thinking about her makes my day a ton better. Even with her faults she is bounds and leaps better than anyone Ive ever met. I wish I could explain it all, but Im just at a loss for words.

 

Generally it wouldn't be a problem, things would move on to me asking her out and whatnot but she got out of a breakup about a month after I met her and now its about 3 months later and she is still taking it hard. She is still having weak moments where she writes emails to her ex and sometimes sends them and other stuff. During this whole thing Ive just wanted to tell her how I feel and give her a big ole hug and tell her its gonna be alright cause Im here, but I know I cant. That wouldn't fix anything...

 

We hang out 6 of the 7 days of the week(sunday is study day) and we always have a good time, get food, play basketball even. Of course this is all with friends (although sometimes its just the two of us). My day is always good around her, any bad thoughts or moods are out the window, but the feeling of me liking her is always present sometimes making conversation hard to come by because my mind becomes preoccupied.

 

Ive wondered if she likes me or not, even through all her problems. I think that maybe she gets as bad as I do around girls when I like em, maybe she is like me. I quickly say wishful thinking and move on, but I always think about it. I actually have no idea how she acts around other people because from what I know our group is all she hangs out with, for the most part.

 

Gah! Why must I want more? Why can't I just accept the fact that she is just a friend? Why can't I just be strong?

[Abbygail]

There's no need to move on just yet - you never know what may happen once she gets over your ex. I think you should tell her how you feel but let her know you'd like to wait until she's ready to start dating again. (if she reciprocates.)

 

Good luck either way!

[Mandoro]

Telling her is the most confusing part! In the past Ive been 0-2 when it comes to stuff like this so I am a lil hesitant to go forth. Ive been unsuccessful just because I misread those girls.

 

Thanks, through it all I know I will come out alive and well. Ill just hit a few bumps on the way.

[Mandoro]

Oh today has been such an awesome day. I can't believe days like this exist. It started out at lunch, we all got together and of course she was there. We had the most hilarious time Ive had in awhile. My brother and I went bowling a lil later today and then at 11pm there was a tutoring session that her and I wanted to go to so I picked her up.

 

I always hate it how time flys when you are having fun, and boy did it go. She thought it went pretty fast as well lol. It was a 2 hour session, but it felt like 30 minutes. I picked her up at 10:40 and we talked all the way til 11 in my truck and even when he was teaching we were talking to each other a little. Everytime she talks she just unveils another level of cool. Just cant believe it. After I drove her back to her place (dorms on campus) and we talked for a few minutes in the lot before she went to her place to go to bed.

 

Before she left I asked if she wanted to get lunch tomorrow and she was down. Its nothing new between us to each lunch together weve been doing it for awhile now. tomorrow evening is another tutoring session. Totally looking forward to that!

[Mandoro]

Even though I had a great time last night I can't help but think if she likes me or not. Because everything is better thought out written down I thought I would write out a table of the DOs and DONTs we have between each other:

 

DO

Have fun together (or I think so)

Spend alot of time together

 

DONT

Have a touchy friendship. Past high-fives not much physical contact

 

Ok Im sure there is more, Ill think about it more later and see what I come up with. Even with this list and if I do get courageous ask her, and she says she feels the same way. I have no idea where to go from there. Do we go on dates? Weve been hanging out so much what could possibly constitute a date. Do we just start hanging out and get more intimate with each other? Not in that way, but like try and become closer on a deeper level. Gah this first step is so confusing.

[Mandoro]

Ok, so I haven't dreamt in forever and if I have Ive forgotten them. The one last night will always stand out and has left me rather deflated, even though it is just a dream.

 

Ok, the dream starts out with her, my brother, and I hanging out at my place. Its getting close to going to sleep so I tell her she can stay here and sleep or she can go home. She never told me which she wanted to do, but she ended up staying. I notice that during the whole procession of getting ready for bed she spends it with my brother and doesn't come out of his room. Although his door is open in the dream and I can see whats going on if I pass by. Anyway I come back through to ask her where she is gonna sleep and she is laying in bed with my brother. Now upon seeing that I became rather deflated because he knew I liked her, he didn't seem to like her, but I guess she liked him (all in the dream of course). After the feeling of deflated I felt angry because my brother has a girlfriend and he is in bed with her. I told him alright, get up and meet me in the living room. She piped up and said, its alright this is where I wanna sleep and I responded with a no its not and before I woke up she grabbed onto him so he couldnt get up.

 

I dont think my brother likes her, but I know how "sociable" he is and Im a lil paranoid it gives him an edge to where she may like him. Wish I didn't think that way.

[Mandoro]

Whelp, its game over. My feelings are still there, but I know where her thoughts lie and because of that my feelings will go away in awhile. It will hurt a little, but I will join back in that line of single people with no prospects.

 

What finalized it was lunch yesterday. We always get together and eat lunch at the dining hall on campus. Well she had to leave early so it was just me, my bro, and her friend. We got to talking and we got around to what was bothering her. You could tell by her facebook status and by the way she was acting that something was up. Anyway she got to talking and she is talking about how she is feeling overwhelmed with depressed people. Currently her sister, and the girl I like are the two she is talking about. She told me about what was up with her sister and then started to talk about what was up with her.

 

Apparently she isn't over him at all. She broke down and sent him a long ass email. No matter what her and her friend talk about, it always leads to him. She always listens to depressing music and she wont seem to snap out of the blah and move on. Her friend even told me that she was thinking about seeing him over Christmas and Thanksgiving break. Its gotten so bad that even her friend (they are best friends) is avoiding her. As in like the past week and a half she hasnt been at her place at all and only chills with her if she has class or we are around.

 

Im completely baffled as to how in the hell that could happen. They only went out for a month and a half and before he broke up with her he was going out with somebody else. Gah women! What is going on!

 

Anyway, in the beginning I just saw this as a fault of a person and chose to accept that this is how they take things. But now, this has taken a turn to being unattractive and its kinda killing it for me. Which sucks, because she is such an awesome girl.

[Mandoro]

This friendship I have with her has shown me one thing about me I was suspecting for a long time. I think I am a doormat. I thought I was a nice guy, but now I think Im too nice. For the longest time Ive told myself that I am just so laid back I can go along with any flow and while I still think thats true Im starting to become very critical of that statement and been thinking I am just lying to myself. I dunno, maybe I am just too laid back to have a flow of my own. Where is that line?

 

She has her up days and her down days. Her frequency of crying has grown. She was even brave enough to put her head down and cry right there in the dining hall while we (the group of four of us) were sitting there having a good time and laughing. She used to laugh along with us. Wish she would again. Wish she would realize that he isn't everything. That he isn't perfect because the only things perfect are gods and Im sure he isn't one of those. Wish she would realize that whatever it is that she misses can also be found in other people. Most of the time even better than what he could do.

 

We are both goofy in nature and shes said some stuff that she would like for Christmas. She keeps saying that if she just got a bag of fortune cookies for Christmas she would be happy. She loves fortune cookies alot lol. Ive thought about getting her maybe a dozen or so, but then I thought about that line and how far is too far. Ive been fighting with that line alot.

 

I have a programming project due Dec. 2nd. Its a guitar hero type game where the buttons come down the screen and you have to click them with the mouse. I love the project alot and its challenging as hell and when I get into it I thoroughly enjoy it, but it seems hard to for to get into it. Not because of the subject matter, but because I seem preoccupied with everything else. I think about all that stuff. That and Im on here alot searching the forums reading every post a few times over, looking for I dunno what but something.

[Mandoro]

As finals are bearing down on me I can't help but think about how bad I am really doing in school.

 

Most would say, nah Im sure you are doing good, but Im really not. Ive have a 2.3 GPA and this semester looks like it may end in a disaster with me passing 1 maybe 2 classes out of 5. I dont think I am dumb I just think that my motivation is lacking on an epic scale never heard of.

 

What I mean is that I dont ever go study like I should. I may study like 3-7 hours a week, not including the homework that I have to do and even then I dont do all the homework.

 

I realize what is on the line here. My mom (who is single and is putting my brother and I both through college, a top tier university at that) has invested just about everything she has and also has taken out large amounts of loans (which I will pay for as well) to get me through financial wise. Im sure I like my major, it will pay well. For some reason, the lure of money, the lure of success, and the lure of my fascination with it just seems to not be enough to get me to work for it.

 

With all of this in mind, I just dont know what to do. Should I continue in college and spend even more money? Should I change majors? Even then I wouldnt know what to change to.

[Mandoro]

*dusts off*

 

Holy crap I found it. Its been some time. Should probably write more in this thing. Ahh well its always here when I need it.

 

Ive decided to switch majors from Computer Engineering to Technology Management. It seems a better fit, I think I was overshooting my bounds by doing Computer Engineering. I can't help but feel stupid by changing majors. I know most students change majors, but all my friends are smart, hardworking people and here I am, taking the easy way out. Meh, so much for a postive outlook on life.

 

Ahh my friends. How great they are to me. I pick on them so much and yet they still hang out with me. I wonder what they really think of me. Not that im looking to change who I am, Ive just always been curious about what people really think about me. Ahh well, that is one of those questions I guess I will never get a straight answer to.

 

I still like her. Ive been trying to repress my feelings for her, its just not working. Shes just too awesome, not perfect, awesome. Ive been trying to figure something out with her though. Whenever she talks, and works the crowd, she doesn't look at me, she may glance, but not a full on look like she does with everyone else. Its not something serious at all, just something Ive noticed. Of course I do the same thing, I can't look at her when I talk, too nervous. The postive part in my brain tells me its because she thinks the same way, she cant look at me because she likes me, but my negative side tells me there is no way that is true, look at what else yall have between yall. When I think about it, the negative side is right. We have no closeness what so ever. Of course that is when my postive side kicks in and tells me that is like comparing apples to oranges because she is a shy girl and she doesn't really have anyone close to her. Which is true, she doesn't. I mean she does the same thing I do every week. Study and then on the weekends play basketball. This past weekend I felt pretty special, the three girls in my group live beside each other and are always together. Well she told me she left them to come down and play basketball with me, my bro, and the other guy in our main group. Dunno, that just made me feel special.

 

I will admit, Ive felt jealous of the other guy. When we go play, in between games we will shoot around and whatnot and there are times when she will pla around and guard him while he tries to get around her. I sometimes wish I could do that. It just so happens its not my nature to be a basketball player like that. I am meant to be a post, Im a drop step and dunk/layup kind of player. No bells and whistles, plus Im too big to guard when just messing around, sometimes size is a disadvantage.

 

Oh and she gave me an evil look! Its been awhile since Ive gotten one of those...Anywho here the lowdown. I was sittin along the wall with one of the other girls and we were talking and watching the game that was being played. Well it just so happened that in front of me she was standing near the court, in the way, but not obtrusive by any means. So I decided to yell out "Hey! I can't see the game because somebody is in the way!" She just turned and looked at me with the evilest look ever and Im just sitting there smiling with my biggest smile. Meanwhile the girl sitting beside me was laughing her ass off. I was playing with saying I couldnt see because of her big ass, but I thought that mighta been too far. Now that I look at it though I shoulda said it because the whole time I was glancing at her ass from time to time. I gave it two thumbs up, Id give it more, but Id have to find more thumbs >.>

 

Ahh well, I guess I have fuel for my dreams. Oh how good those will be.

 

Oh! I finally get the damn pin out of my finger on Apr. 3rd! Some of yall may know, but I got mallet finger in/on my left pinky. They ended up going in, sewing the tendon back together, and stuck a pin in there so I couldnt bend my finger because that would just cause the injury again. So this means I can finally play again! It will be a happy day. Im thinking of doing a basketball marathon of like 7 hours fri&sat night. 14 hours of basketball but it will feel soooooo good. Some of yall may be like " * * * yo?" Well, I know this may sound strange, but since I don't have a girlfriend or anything else I really do, all my heart and soul has gone into basketball. The sport is damn near my girlfriend. Its kinda sick actually. Im always thinking of better ways to improve my game, both individually and as part of a team. In high school our team was bad, and didnt play like a team, so I never really learned that whole part of basketball. Of course she will be there so basektball nights are always the best nights of my life.

 

Lets see, what else is rattling around up there. This has turned out alot more productive than I thought, my mind feels clearer

 

I wonder if anyone reads this thing...

[Mandoro]

Sometimes the best thing to say is nothing at all.

 

Oh how true. Ive done something that has bothered me. As some of you may know I like to joke around and Ive been working on making my jokes non-obnoxious (does that even make sense?), it seems I have failed. I have been mean to my friends...

 

It all stems from hanging out after basketball. Sometimes we will go get some food at something that is open late and we will chill at that place for some time. Well a song she liked that was by Miley Cyrus. I dont hate Miley Cyrus, just not a fan of her music. Well I dunno what I was thinking and I thought I would pick on her because of it. Well it went to far and what came out of my mouth was "Ahh Miley Cyrus sucks, turn this * * * * off." It was supposed to be in a joking manner, but my brother told me that he saw her just poking around in her ice cream. Every time I think about it I bang my head into a wall. WHAT WAS I THINKING!

 

Well I feel really horrible for it and I want to apologize, but I dont know if I should. Obviously its the right thing to do, but I dont know if Im trying to take the extra step because of my feelings or because I am a friend. I keep thinking in my mind that if I were disrespectful to any of my friends I would apologize, so I think I am going to. I just hope its not too late

[Mandoro]

Today was such an awesome day! It was me the girls and a couple mutual friends that we all know, but dont hang out with on a regular basis. We started off the day at noon geocaching (if you dont know what that is link removed). After that we all went and saw the 6:30 Fast & Furious. Then after that her, the other guy from our main group, and I were supposed to go play bball, but this is where it gets weird.

 

I dropped her off, then him, then went to my place to put on my bball clothes, then as Im pulling up to her place she sends this:

Her: "I cant come. Emergency sorry."

Me: "Everything alright?"

Me: "If you need a quick transport, Im right outside."

Her: "Yea, but I just can't go. Really sorry"

Me: "It's ok. Just want to make sure everything is ok. Friends first, basketball second."

Her: "Thanks"

Me: "Np. If yall need anything let me know"

 

Im kinda worried about whats going on and at the same time Im trying to figure out what the hell happened. Me being the naive man that I am im just assuming something emotional, but that can cover so many things from a boyfriends breaking up with you to a relative dying.

 

None the less, today was frickin awesome. Best Ive had in a long time, if not ever.

[Mandoro]

So as yall know there are a few girls in my main group that I hang out with (one that I like and 2 others that we are all friends with). Well one of the other girls and I are close friends. I talk to her and she talks to me and we get along pretty well.

 

Yesterday we went geocaching again (there were 4 of us. Me and one in the cab and two in back of my truck) and we got to talking about the girl I like and whatnot (she asked, I didnt start it) and then she came up and said that maybe its because the other two girls (including the one I like) think we like each other. I was floored, I never thought about that. We don't like each other so I guess that is why I was floored we are just good friends.

 

She went on to tell me about another guy friend of hers. One that I know and am friends with as well. She was telling me how close they are and eventually the other two girls asked why they weren't together yet. She had to explain to them that they dont like each other that way and are just good friends. Now we think the same thing is going on here.

 

Now that I think about it though. What weve done together I guess could be thought of as relationship things, but I guess since neither one of us liked each other they never had those undertones. We will see how things turn out.

[Mandoro]

I look back at a few of the posts I made and it is kind of funny to see what I was thinking. I wonder what I will think when I look back at this post...

 

For the past few months human contact has been at an all time low, some may think at an unhealthy level. I would agree with these people but for some reason I am content with the way things are. I am not ooooo'ing and ahhhh'ing over girls and I have everything in my life under control...

 

Control, the thing that will probably end up being my demise. I crave too much of it. I can't stand not being in control of the situation. Everything I do I am a leader of (be is online gaming or class groups) I make sure everything is running the way I want it to. There is also this disparity of knowledge in my two worlds. I say two because I separate online and the world.

 

Knowledge, another thing that will probably lead to my demise. I play online games and sometimes I take them too seriously (am I competitive or something else?). All the games I play I know everything about everything you can come accross, what is funny though is that I don't know any of the lore of any of the games. For example, lets take World of Warcraft, my current time sinkhole. I know just about every ability that any class could use given a certain situation, on top of that I know everything about every boss encounter after vanilla. Its great and awesome that I know so much about this game, but the outside world I dont know near as much about, nor do I try and learn as proactively about the outside world as I do ingame. Maybe one of these days I will grow up.

 

Growing up, oh Ive waited for this day to happen for sometime. It seems most people grow up via a traumatic experience in their lives. One would think triggering a traumatic experience would speed up the growth process, but I have a feeling it has to come naturally, not self-induced. I think Ive done a little bit of growing. For instance, I know now what my feelings in the past were, they werent genuine (even though I thought they were). No, in hindsight I just wanted a quick lay, I feel bad for saying it as to me it sounds degrading to think in those terms. I know my mind would still think that way if I were to come accross any girl I thought I liked. I found the best thing to do was to just extract myself from the situation and I am pretty content with the results, well from an emotional standpoint...

 

Content, it leads to a state of no growth. If you are content you are destined to fail, but what other option is there when all you want to feel is content. Im not sure what happiness feels like, it may sound bad, but its true. I may have felt happiness in a past part of life, but right now I dont think so. I am currently thinking about the best moments of my life since I was about 16 or so and I was just 'content'. I havent felt happy, I havent felt a state of joy, none of it. As some may know Im not the best student (hell some of you may have gotten that from reading this), but I have gotten a couple A's. Clearly a high point in one's college career and I was content. I wasnt overjoyed, I wasnt excited at the possibilities, nothing, I was content. In World of Warcraft, the thing I seem to be doing best in, anytime I beat a boss or do something awesome I am content, not excited, not happy, content. I must be spoiled.

 

Spoiled, oh the little bastards Ive come to hate. In my lifetime Ive come to hate people who are spoiled, they get anything they want when they want it. It now seems though the very thing I hate is who I am. Why can I never be happy about achievements Ive gotten? Is it because I expect them anyway? I can see this. Could it be because the amount of work Ive put into such an achievement seems to outweigh the benefit? Nah, cant be that. The A's I have gotten were both in easy classes that required little to no studying at all. The bosskills in wow, I dunno it just seems to be bittersweet. Ive done good in leading my team, but Im not overly happy at the success. Am I too hard on myself? This has been something that has always been told to me. I always expect better out of myself, but I dont try and get better. Its a strange cycle of degrading behavior towards yourself.

 

I write this as it came out of my brain so it is probably scattered all over the place. I write like that though because it seems to be most effective at me not hiding things. There is more in there but it is something that my brain hasnt put together yet. If it ever comes together Ill post it, if not oh well. I want people to read this and give feedback that is for sure, that is why Ive been writing these, for people to tell me where I am screwing up. Secretly I want help, but maybe I should make a forum post if I want help, not a journal entry.