I am new and hurting so much...

[notagain0167]

It is final...there is not a shred of hope

 

I talked to my ex of two days today. I ended it on Sunday as we were not in the same place as far as how we saw the future progressing. We have dated over a year and are very compatible. All in all, it has been the healthiest relationship I have been in. We are both in our 40's and we eacch have a child from a previous relationship.

 

He was in a very bad marriage 3-4 years ago and it really did a number on him emotionally and psychologically. No cheating involved, just the agony of coming to terms with leaving. We saw each other constantly and he basically wanted to behave as a marrried couple without the marriage. I was not comfortable with living together or traveling a lot and that was a source of contention although he understood my reasoning and did not resent me for it.

 

Finally last weekend, we were arguing about something and I realized that we were not anywhere near the same place regarding our future. He doesn't want to marry for "several" years and I want to work towards it within the next year or two. I'm not ready yet but I do think you have to work towards it when there will be a blended family.

 

When we talked today he said that even though he loved me completely and that I was the most perfect woman he had ever met, he was not ready to deal with the fact that he does not want to marry anytime soon. I am stuck in wondering how you can love someone so much and not want to spend your life with them?! At the same time, I cannot allow myself to stay for less than what I need and still maintain my self respect and dignity. I have talked to friends who say that it is absolutely possible to love someone very much and still have an obstacle to anything permanent. He asked today if we could just talk in a couple of weeks and I told him I can't hope for something that isn't there. He will not get counseling even though he says he needs it and he will not pursue any kind of third party help. I told him how hard it is for me to believe he loves me in light of letting me go and that I longed for a love that would never let me go. He said he knew that and that he loved me so much, but that we were in two different places at different times.

 

Before you ask, no, he is not a playboy or an a-hole. He has been great to me and to my daughter. He has treated me with great love and respect, we love spending time together talking, walking, just doing nothing. However, he wants more without marriage than I'm willing to give and he will not consider marriage. I don't want to wake up five years from now wondering where its going when I have the answer now.

 

Do any of you out there feel the way he does? Please don't reply if you are going to say he's a liar or anything like that. My heart is absolutely crushed and all I can do is weep. I believe I did the right thing and that this day would have come eventually no matter how long I stayed, as a matter of fact, staying would have made him so comfortable that he would never had considered marriage. I think I had hope before today and the realization that there is none has finally sunk in and I'm devistated.

 

The tears will not stop and I'm crushed. I pictured a life with him that is completely gone. I really thought we were reading from the same page especially since both of our children were involved. He admitted that there have been mixed signals, but he also says that he just can't get past his fear.

 

I don't want to cry anymore. I feel sick and even though I ended it, it feels that I've been discarded. I want a love that will fight for me and refuse to let me go, but life isn't like that. Reality is that people have to deal with their own stuff in their rown time and he isn't ready.

[segor56]

This forum has helped me a lot. I'm glad that you found it. Tears can be cleansing...

[millaj]

I know how it feels to not be able to stop crying.. it is crippling. I have been on the forum all day, and it helps.. I hope you get some insight.. *hugs*

[notagain0167]

Thank you both. I'm just so overcome with sadness. I feel weighted down with sadness. Everything is a reminder of a hole that is now in my life. All the times we talked daily, nightly, the time we spent together, saying good night on the phone, saying good morning on the phone...

 

I know he is hurting, too. But he's choosing to hurt. Its such a hard place. He can't make himself want to marry and I can't make myself want to date for an eternity.

[segor56]

well- you should take solice in the fact that you are standing up for your feelings.

 

It doesn't make the hurt any less.. but, the truth is, you have to allow yourself to hurt sometimes in order to heal, (whatever healing will mean for you).

[millaj]

Yea it is so much harder when there aren't real "issues" like most people have. that is what i am going through now too. all of our experiences were good, except for some of the serious ones that i saw getting in the way in the future. It's hard for two people to walk away when most things are positive.

[notagain0167]

I want healing to mean acceptance so that I can move past it. I don't want to cling to any sort of hope and deceive myself. I know that I would not have been happy staying. I KNOW that. I just wish he had been the one to say "I can't possibly let you go"... he's not.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You say you want a love to fight for you and never let you go...but on the other hand, you are not sticking with him either....you are walking away. You have been with each other for over a year...but in the grand scheme of things that is not a long time. No, it is not as if you are in your twenties, but blending a family is a big thing and he needs to be sure about it. So basically you are walking away, giving up this great love, just because he is not ready to marry yet. Do relationships grow on trees? Are you simply looking for a wedding ring and someone to be your knight in shining armour who will fight for you? I don't see you understanding his position..this seems to be all about you. Who says you have to wait five years for him...but certainly a little over a year is not that long a time to come to such a major decisions of blending families. You say you want to work towards it in a couple of years and he says several. Having those kinds of talks ends up putting the person who is not ready yet in fear mode. If you stay with him then it is possible as the relationship gets stronger, he might re-think his position...maybe not. But you also gamble when you leave him and hope that there is another man who has the same agenda as you and who you click with. You might very well find another man who also has a "get married soon" agenda, but he may be nowhere near the match you have with this guy. This guy didn't fight for you because he is not ready for marriage and pushing the issue is not going to get you want you want. Try to put yourself in his shoes and how he could be viewing you in the same light that you are now viewing him...he could be thinking that you didn't fight for him, you didn't want to travel with him (I can understand the not living together), you are just looking for a man to put a ring on your finger and are not interested in who he is as a person (what he could be thinking now that you bailed on him).

[millaj]

I want healing to mean acceptance so that I can move past it. I don't want to cling to any sort of hope and deceive myself. I know that I would not have been happy staying. I KNOW that. I just wish he had been the one to say "I can't possibly let you go"... he's not.

I know that feeling, but most people around here will probably tell you that in breaking up you can't do it with expectations because you will get let down and it will hurt more. But since you know that it can't possibly work, then it is going to hurt and you just have to let it pass.. I am suffering right now too, bargaining, and doing all sorts of things that come with loss.

[Litgirl01]

I'm confused as to why you would give him up! You have a lifetime to be together, so why do you have to marry anytime soon? Maybe I missed something. It has just been so hard for me to find what you have and I can't believe the two of you ended it! Of course, I have come to the conclusion that the relationship is more important the the ring and the title! That's just my two cents....for whatever it's worth. You have to do what is best for you.

[notagain0167]

Your assessment of things couldn't be farther from the truth. There is so much I haven't shared. I am in NO way looking for a ring but I also will not tolerate being someone's girlfriend forever. I didn't travel because I am a single mother with a ten year old daughter who has never known a father. That is not a complaint but a reality. I have never been more interested in a man as a person and he knows that. You took great liberties in your false assessment without knowing me or more of the circumstances. I am a firm believer that you know whether or not you want to share a life with someone after one year. Does that mean immediately, no, but you do know.

 

Furthermore, I believe in healing fully from one relationship before jumping into another so looking for another man is not anywhere near my thoughts at this point. We have put ourselves in EACH OTHER's shoes and have been very respectful of each other's feelings. I didn't ask you to agree with what I said but I didn't expect you to basically acuse me of not loving him for exactly who he is. He is being authentic in what he wants as am I. We have both made mistakes and successes in this relationship and we are extremely honest with each other. I came here because I'm hurting over reality. Thanks for your jump to a false conclusion and your compassion.

[notagain0167]

I'm confused as to why you would give him up! You have a lifetime to be together, so why do you have to marry anytime soon? Maybe I missed something. It has just been so hard for me to find what you have and I can't believe the two of you ended it! Of course, I have come to the conclusion that the relationship is more important the the ring and the title! That's just my two cents....for whatever it's worth. You have to do what is best for you.

 

 

More background. I'm not looking for "the ring"... There have been things that we have both identified in ourselves that we need to work on in order to have a successful relationship. I have done that. He has not. He admits this. I can't go into the details but some of these issues make it impossible for us to progress. Its not about the ring. In fact, I am the one in this relationship with commitment phobic issues. He called me the runaway bride for the first six months we dated. There is also an hour and a half commute one way between us which makes it very difficult. We both want to protect our chlidren from growing to need me/him in case we don't work out. We have made a lot of mistakes, but I don't believe either one of us has some wicked agenda to get something. I trust him completely and I know he can trust me as far as motive is concerned. All I want to know is that we are working towards the same goal. That is it and I don't believe that is such a crime. Plus, this isn't something we've talked about frequently at all. Maybe twice tops and it was surface only. Once when I refused to discuss it because I wasn't ready. It has gone both ways.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I believe litgirl and I are trying to help and we are looking at this from the outside. No, we don't know all the ins and outs but it does indeed sound like you are rushing your agenda and if it doesn't work according to your agenda and timeframe, you are out. You acknowledge that you yourself have had commitment issues...maybe all the more reason to be understanding of him rather than just saying now that I am ready he has to be ready. You can get upset at the responses on this board...but if you don't open your eyes to other viewpoints, just like you haven't opened your eyes to his viewpoint, then you are doing yourself more harm than good. Your attitude seems to be one of my way or the highway and if someone shows you alternative ideas, you get defensive and jump down their throat...not willing to entertain another person's point of view. You seem to have done that with your now ex...and you are doing that with two people on this board. I am sure there are plenty of people who can pat you on the back placate you and say you did the right thing...so, at the end of the day what good is feeding you what you want to hear...does it do anything to help solve your problem...no...does it help you to think of other ways of looking at it so that you don't have to lose the man you love...no. If you want to walk away from him that is your choice...litgrl and I are showing you that there is another way to look at it. In light of what you said about being commitmentphobic, perhaps this is really just another way for you to bail out and then convince yourself that it is all his fault. I understand that he probably has issues as well...but I think you really need to look at his side too and not just see this as all his fault.

[notagain0167]

Is it possible that you may not know everything about this situation? I can handle input of any kind but not definitive accusations. There is a huge difference.

 

I never said it was all his fault nor have I not looked at his side. There are other big differences that he and I have looked at very openly and have agreed are obstacles.

 

It is my opionion that you have misread and made up your mind what you want to believe about a person you do not know. Your mind appears closed to anything but what you choose to believe. Just as you say you will not feed me what you perceive I'm needing to hear, please respectfully take your own advice and realize that you could possibly be wrong. You have every right to your opinion and I respect that, however, your delivery is acidic, acusing and self righteous instead of sensitive, humble and helpful.

 

I respect your right to your opinion but also respect my right to knowing that your opinion is off base and my ex would tell you the very same thing. There was no ultimatum issued however you can't seem to "hear" that. I have no axe to grind with you as I don't know you or your history.

 

Also, litgirl, this response was not for you as I know you have a voice and mind of your own.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Well, I apologize if I sounded acidic, made accusations at you and completely misread and misunderstood everything. I am sure you know what is best for you and agree that it is best that you broke up with him so that you can both move on with your life since you are both at an impasse. I believe you too have grossly misunderstood me and my intentions. Since you have not spelled out the entire story, I can only go by what you have written and how you have written it. If your sole purpose was to come on this board to vent about your situation then I apologize for sticking my oar in and I am sorry that you are hurting and wish you lots of luck with your healing process.

[emalkoc]

All due respect, I agree with CADs. Not around these boards, but in around our society to give up easily to the next ONE! As a guy who divorced before, I understand why he cannot commit and has still some baggage from previous relationship even though I loved my ex very much, and sure you guys are having issues. but, as a partner, it is your job to figure and manage the situation sometimes, you cannot expect the partner to fix his problems alone thats whats called real relationship.

 

Or you can take the easier route to try someone else...search for love and compatible partner if exists in your mind. that may go another 5-10 years until you realize you are in late 40s or you have no other options either to be alone or to work on RS matters.

 

I did not want to reply to your specifics and dont want to be harsh but I dont like the mindset of people who walk away from difficulties. This is classic why we have more than 50% divorce rate.

 

Good luck and cheers

 

Eric

[pumpkinmoon]

I agree with litgirl. I know marriage is important to you but if you were so great together and he loves you, which he obviously does surely there must be some sort of compromise? I would also take a happy relationship over marriage at the moment, it is important to me too but at the end of the day it is only a bit of paper, If you know you can be truley happy with this man, then I think it's a bit crazy to let him go.

[notagain0167]

I did not want to reply to your specifics and dont want to be harsh but I dont like the mindset of people who walk away from difficulties. This is classic why we have more than 50% divorce rate.

 

Good luck and cheers

 

Eric

 

I don't either, that's why I'm not walking away from difficulty and never have. I try harder and hold a mirror up to myself more than a lot of people I know. This was so clearly a mistake to come on this board. I had hoped people would not assume but I was very wrong.

 

I agree with litgirl. I know marriage is important to you but if you were so great together and he loves you, which he obviously does surely there must be some sort of compromise? I would also take a happy relationship over marriage at the moment, it is important to me too but at the end of the day it is only a bit of paper, If you know you can be truley happy with this man, then I think it's a bit crazy to let him go.

 

I understand your opinion, however, thre can be other things that deter the relationship can't there? This was a mistake. I cannot disclose all the content of our relationship I simply hoped that I would be given the benefit of the doubt and a place to grieve. We may very well work things out, however, I have learned a great lesson here.

 

And no, it is not an inability to take advice or see another side. It is that I feel several are talking about a person that I don't even know when you assume.

 

Thanks for your time and I wish all of you the best. Peace.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

We can only give advice based on what we read in your post. If there is no more information then how can we just take your word for it. If you were on this board long enough you would realize that the more people know about the situation, the more they can help and guide their advice based on better knowledge. Lots of people have presented a very biased view and only by drawing them out you get the other side of the story. Now, maybe you can't stay with your now ex because he is an alcoholic or some kind of addiction..well, that I can understand...but maybe that is not the case...if we don't know the real story then how are we to judge. People are here to also give feedback based on what the OP says...not just on the feelings, but on the circumstances. It is too bad that you think everyone here is against you...I think we all were supporting you in the sense of hoping you would find happiness rather than sadness and trying to help you see that perhaps there is an alternative to breaking up a relationship in which you both are in love.

[Litgirl01]

We are just giving advice based on what we read. It's sort of what the board is all about. CAD gives great advice...I have learned so much from her! You definitely don't HAVE to take our advice...just be open to consider it! Sounds like you are trying to convince yourself you are doing the right thing. I hope and pray that you have the strength to do what is best for you in the long run. I can tell you are very intelligent, well spoken, and you know what you want. Best wishes in whatever decision you make!

[notagain0167]

Even if you don't have all the information, it is unfair to assume I am only looking for a ring or that I am a quitter. I also didn't say everyone is against me. You have put words in my mouth and assumed things you should not have. That is not unbiased and trying to help. You are still making an assumption based on what information you have. I explained what I came here for and some were extremely compassionate so I, in no way, used any sort of definitive.

 

Here are just a few of your helpful words:

 

"basically you are walking away, giving up this great love, just because he is not ready to marry yet" I explained that was not the whole story and made the decision not to share more but you made an opinion anyway.

 

"Are you simply looking for a wedding ring and someone to be your knight in shining armour who will fight for you?" I answered this in responding but you have ignored it.

 

"I don't see you understanding his position..this seems to be all about you." I in no way said this was only about me.

 

"You might very well find another man who also has a "get married soon" agenda" I in no way have an agenda but you can't seem to let that go, you only assume that I'm being unfair to him and have a deceitful and selfish motive, which I do not.

 

"pushing the issue is not going to get you want you want" I did not push a thing and he thanked me for that along with explaining how much class I have and how much courage he believes I have.

 

"try to put yourself in his shoes and how he could be viewing you in the same light that you are now viewing him" Why do you assume I have not put myself in his shoes? YOU ARE MAKING ASSUMPTIONS. You act as if you could "help" more with more information...does that mean you would not assume the worst about me?

 

"you are just looking for a man to put a ring on your finger and are not interested in who he is as a person (what he could be thinking now that you bailed on him)." From what you've told me I can safely assume a great deal about you but I realize people are never one dimensional.

 

These come from only one post and you go on later to acuse me of "simply wanting a pat on the back and someone to placate me". You have insisted that I see things your way but you cannot seem to see that you could possibly be being presumptive. If you believe what you've said above came accross as "hoping I would find happiness" you are mistaken. Your method is classic shaming. There is a way to speak truth without shaming someone and you have not mastered it.

 

One thing I committed to not do is trash my ex in any way and disclosing any detail about him is betrayal in my eyes. But you cannot trust that. Either I prove it or I'm doing the things you describe above. I'm sure you've helped many since you've been here so long, but in my case I was guilty until I could prove myself innocent.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Wow, what else can I say, your last vitriolic post actually just reinforces my opinion of the situation.

[notagain0167]

We are just giving advice based on what we read. It's sort of what the board is all about. CAD gives great advice...I have learned so much from her! You definitely don't HAVE to take our advice...just be open to consider it! Sounds like you are trying to convince yourself you are doing the right thing. I hope and pray that you have the strength to do what is best for you in the long run. I can tell you are very intelligent, well spoken, and you know what you want. Best wishes in whatever decision you make!

 

 

Thank you for not assuming the worst of me and my motive. I am not trying to convince myself of anything, I was truly coming here to grieve, that's all. My ex and I have talked since and have made great headway. I hope you know that I did not take offense to anything you said to me. You gave your opinion respectfully and with kindness and I appreciate it.

 

I have searched my heart about this more than you know and am doing my best to seek wisdom for myself and my daughter. There isn't a doubt in my mind that God will give me the wisdom to do the right thing. I was just so distraught the other night so I posted. Not to say anything but that I was hurting. I should have left it at that. Thank you for responding. I sincerely mean that.

[notagain0167]

Wow, what else can I say, your last post actually just reinforces my opinion of the situation. Good luck to you.

 

You have made my point, crazy. Your former apology apparently was insincere.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You have made my point, crazy. Your former apology apparently was insincere.

 

 

Actually, it was sincere...you nasty, vitriolic post made me realize exactly what is going on.