Potential Breakup Over Getting Marriage

[MarriageViews]

I'm 27. Three years ago I hooked up with an old friend and we immediately started dating.

 

After 6 months, she was very keen to move in with me so we rented an apartment together.

 

I've always wanted to get married (not for the sake of it, but to the right person) since I was a kid, partly because that's just who I am and what I want, and partly because of my Christian upbringing. So I proposed to my cohabiting girlfriend, because, although it was early days, we wanted the same things in life, had a really good relationship and I felt it was the right time.

 

She basically said no, she wanted to wait til we had been dating for 1 year, before she could say yes and tell her parents, as her parents would object to our engagement for many reasons, but one of them being the speed of our engagement. I calmly accepted her answer, although I was a bit hurt deep inside.

 

3 months later, she let me propose "properly" and she said yes, but I knew she didn't really mean it. She told her parents and they went mad and didn't speak to her for months and caused lots of problems.

 

A few months later, we decided to buy a house together. A while after that, her parents finally accepted the idea of us getting married and we started planning a wedding for the 2nd time. But we had to postpone (well, cancel) it because of financial reasons.

 

Anyway, we've now been together for 3 years and our finances aren't getting any better. I'm not interested in numbers and statistics, but partly because of my Christian values regarding living together unmarried and partly because I just genuinely want to marry her and feel our relationship's in a weird, kinda of going-nowhere scary place right now, I want us to plan getting married again. But we still have no money. Just in case you're wondering, I didn't go to church for a few years before we got together, which is why I was happy to move in with her. Some of my friends have suggested that we have a small wedding or we could even get married with a small civil ceremony and then have a party a year later or something.

 

We don't argue about it, but she won't budge and she knows I feel uncomfortable about our future with no prospect of getting married because we can't afford it. I understand that she wants to have a lovely big wedding, which many girls dream about during their life. But I worry that because it's what I want, deep down, and it's not happening, I may become sick of waiting and give her an ultimatum.

[shes2smart]

I think your problem is not the inability to afford a wedding, but rather that one of you doesn't want to get married. I can't tell if it's "not get married at all/at this time" or "not get married to you."

 

If she wanted to get married (preferably "married to you") as much as you wanted to get married to her, then the financial problem wouldn't be a problem.

 

You don't need to have a big...or even medium sized wedding...if your ultimate goal is getting married. My own wedding cost under $200....and that included our wedding rings. But then again, both mine and my husband's primary goal was to get married and start that part of our relationship as soon as we possibly could. Having a "perfect" wedding wasn't anywhere on our list of goals for ourselves...having a great relationship and great marriage was and still is.

 

I'm of mixed opinion on the ultimatum. I believe you have the absolute right to state what you want, and ask for your partner to be honest with you about what they want. Basically, I see that as a request for some vital information so that you may make some decisions about your own life. But I don't think that forcing someone to do something as major as marriage if they aren't ready is a wise move in the long run.

 

You might want to try digging a little deeper and not accept the very logical/reasonable sounding "finances" excuse as the real answer.

[Excalibur]

Basically - you believe you've committed a sin of cohabitation, that you can erase from your heaven/hell quota by "marriage".

 

She got with you as a rebound, as a secure options, she's got more invested financially and in terms of time with you - but the relationship itself is not her "ideal" relationship.

 

So neither of you really want to marry the other - but one of you wants to ensure your heavenly status, and the other doesn't want to lose her financial options and investment.

 

 

If you'd come to terms with the fact that you'll be judged for cohabitating with her as a separate issue from "I married her or not" - you might find this is not what you want either.

 

If you two would sit down, reach a legal contract agreement of how the assets you've jointly invested in and accrued would be split in the event of a split - I believe you'd have things all sorted out.

 

You probably wil split up - but nobody will be upset about it.

[MarriageViews]

I agree with shes2smart that my fiance may not 100% want to get married, for various reasons, not just the financial ones. I also think she's just never viewed marriage as something she wanted, even if she found the absolute right guy, which she tells me I am. I've always wanted to get married since I was a kid, which a lot of people want also, not just religious people. I just have old fashioned views and guess I feel more comfortable being married, plus the thought of having a wife feels warming to me. But my fiance has a different view of marriage, just something that people do when they can afford it. Her brother lived with his girlfriend for 12 years before they got married, which they only wanted to do because they're planning to have children. Like shes2smart, I wish my fiance had the same desire to get married, regardless of being low on money.

 

I can see Excalibur's point too. Thing is, even before I started going back to church, I still would have preferred to be married, just because it's always something I've wanted. When you say nobody will be upset if we split, do you mean none of our friends and family, or do you just mean neither me nor my fiance will be upset as we're both not really on the sane page of the book any more?

 

One thing I wanted to find out peoples' opinion is, if we do have a talk with each other and eventually split up, is giving "we had different views on marriage" a really pathetic, stupid sounding reason to break up with someone, or it if valid and acceptable?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

If someone wants to get married, it takes the cost of a marriage license to get married... that's it!

 

Tell her you can get married now at the courthouse, and have the big wedding ceremony when you can afford it.

 

It isn't pathetic to break up for any reason if you are not happy. Marriage or not is certainly a huge difference, and placing the value of a big wedding over the actual wedding vows themselves is a pretty distorted view in most people's minds. She is showing you her priorities, that the big show is more important than the day to day reality of being husband and wife. Or she could just be stalling because she doesn't want to marry.

 

You have a right to be happy, so decide what you really need in life, and if she doesn't fit into that picture, then so be it.

[Enigmatika]

We don't argue about it, but she won't budge and she knows I feel uncomfortable about our future with no prospect of getting married because we can't afford it.

Not much to argue about is there?

 

She said "yes"...so she Intends to get married [ when the $$$ is there ]

....and the Road to Hell is paved with good Intentions....

placing the value of a big wedding over the actual wedding vows themselves is a pretty distorted view in most people's minds.

Agree.

[Lostkitton]

Having different views of marriage is not a pathetic reason at all. That is a good reason not to get married.

 

Honestly though, money will always be an issue, rich or poor, money can be an issue. If you two really do love each other, you will be able to overcome all, as you work together to make ends meet.

 

I am concerned about you wanting to get married because you have always wanted to be since you were young. It's a fantasy of yours that you are trying to make a reality. The reality of the matter is though, is it truly love? You said when she finally let you propose 3 months after the first time you did, that you didn't believe her when she said yes. Why didn't you believe her? Do you want to marry someone that may not want to be married to you?

[Excalibur]

One thing I wanted to find out peoples' opinion is, if we do have a talk with each other and eventually split up, is giving "we had different views on marriage" a really pathetic, stupid sounding reason to break up with someone, or it if valid and acceptable?

 

Is it more intelligent and responsible to have communicated about marriage expectations and requirements for yourselves and your partner - found enough differences to mean harmony was not possible - and split up.

 

Or, is it more intelligent and responsible to have spent years pursuing a status quo of marriage, finally getting it, realizing there is no harmony, shared views on marriage - and you go aruond saying "well, I'm divorced".

 

Which do you prefer?

[MarriageViews]

You said when she finally let you propose 3 months after the first time you did, that you didn't believe her when she said yes. Why didn't you believe her? Do you want to marry someone that may not want to be married to you?

 

I "didn't believe her" when she said yes 2nd time around, because her parents have always dominated her and continue to do so. She's very conscious of what her parents think about things, not in a generally respectful way, but always wants their approval, and it's taken them years to approve of me (they said I looked ugly, I was too shy, I didn't have lots of money, I was raised a different religion and loads of other things they said).

 

Now they have approved of me, she's ready to marry me as she knows she'll have her parents' support regarding our wedding (I understand most brides like the help of their mom), but we don't have the money. Her dad has offered to pay for half or more of her ideal wedding though. Perhaps I just need to keep gently nudging her to talk to her parents about the idea of us getting married again? But I kinda have been doing...

 

It's odd, as if we receive a local magazine or newspaper through the door and it includes a feature on a local wedding venue, she often says "Ooh, we can consider this for our wedding", but then when I mention marriage to her, she refers back to our money situation straight away.

 

I am concerned about you wanting to get married because you have always wanted to be since you were young. It's a fantasy of yours that you are trying to make a reality. The reality of the matter is though, is it truly love?

 

A lot of guys and girls get rejected but then their signifcant other later says yes? Even my dad got rejected by my mom for proposing too early in their relationship, but they've been happily married since. Every guy wants a wife who looks great, agrees with them on everything, shares the same goals and all the other wishes, but yes it's a dream and nobody's perfect, so every partner/spouse will be lacking in one or more areas, surely? Or am I being TOO realistic about that... My fiance does look after me really well, shares the same likes and dislikes and stuff like that, she just doesn't know how to communicate very well, which is partly so because of her parents.

[Excalibur]

She wants a wedding - which is an event where she's a rock star for a day -that's why this has to have lots of money thrown at it as a project.

 

But she doesn't want marriage....becuase then she'll be stuck wtih you, and just what you have to offer and provide - and that's not good enough.

 

I've been her - and run thru guys like you without any hesitation or remorse back when I had no self-esteem and no ethical and moral compass.

[MarriageViews]

She wants a wedding - which is an event where she's a rock star for a day -that's why this has to have lots of money thrown at it as a project.

 

But she doesn't want marriage....becuase then she'll be stuck wtih you, and just what you have to offer and provide - and that's not good enough.

 

I've been her - and run thru guys like you without any hesitation or remorse back when I had no self-esteem and no ethical and moral compass.

 

My girlfriend seems to have a good ethical/moral compass, but she's very wary of unknowns in the future, especially the economy, familiy changes/influences, etc. Which I guess put her off the idea of marrying.

 

Regarding your thoughts on our assets, all we've got is a house and if we sell it we know we'll get 50% of whatever's left. But perhaps it would be a good idea to get this down in writing, I agree. She's got a really good job, so if we did split, she wouldn't be in a financially worse position at all, as far as I believe.

[shes2smart]

One thing I wanted to find out peoples' opinion is, if we do have a talk with each other and eventually split up, is giving "we had different views on marriage" a really pathetic, stupid sounding reason to break up with someone, or it if valid and acceptable?

 

First off, if it's a valid and acceptable reason to you to break up, it IS a valid and acceptable reason.

 

I look at it this way: If you have a goal to go on a trip to California, you're not going to get on a plane headed for Florida, are you? If you want to get married, then breaking up with someone who doesn't -- so that you may be single and available to find someone who does -- is akin to getting off the Florida-bound plane and getting on the non-stop to California.

 

If you and the other person aren't on the same page as to where the two of you are going you will either tread water...or one of you will end up at the other party's destination and probably not be real happy about it.

 

Allow me to give you an example of how simple things can be if you are clear on your relationship goals, communicate those goals, and focus in on those who share complimentary goals: I knew, before I met my husband, that I wanted my next relationship to lead to marriage. I was 37, had never been married, and I was ready for that. I was very open/honest about this when meeting potential dates. It scared the bejeebers outta some of them, but all that told me was we weren't going the same direction anyway. Some of them (the smarter ones, IMO) understood that I was stating a general goal...not saying I wanted to marry THEM, specifically...and I didn't want to waste my time (or theirs) if they weren't already looking to go the same way.

 

My husband understood that. We chatted online and on the phone for a few weeks, met for a real life date, hit it off big time with some ridiculous chemistry, he proposed a week after that and we were married less than a year after we first met. 6th wedding anniversary is coming up in July and we're both real happy to be where we are. (Well, except for my current "looking for a job" status....but that has nothing to do with the relationship....but I digress....)

 

"We had different views on marriage" is not a pathetic, stupid reason to break-up with someone. It is, however, a really bad, just-asking-for-trouble reason to marry them.

[MarriageViews]

Over the last couple days I've gently talked again to my fiance about us getting married and each time she says that she wants us to wait til we are more financially secure as a couple, before we get married, as this will lead to a better marriage.

[shes2smart]

Do her words and actions match up? What, if anything, is she doing to reach the goal of "financially secure"? Can she clearly and specifically define what "financially secure" means?

 

If she cannot define what conditions would translate into "financially secure," then it is very difficult to know when the goal has been met....also makes it harder to figure out what you both need to do to get there. Undefined, "financiallly secure" is the sort of (non)goal that can keep other things from ever happening...including getting married.

 

On the surface making sure you're "financially secure" before you get married sounds like a reasonable goal, but lemme tell you something -- it's no guarantee. None of us know what the future may bring and while you may be financially secure now that might change down the road. Stuff happens -- employment situations change, health changes, perhaps you have a child who has health issues -- to a large degree you cannot control those things and you simply have to play the hand you are dealt.

 

A good marriage helps both partners get through the "stuff" and come out the other end stronger and more bonded.

[tangi39]

 

One thing I wanted to find out peoples' opinion is, if we do have a talk with each other and eventually split up, is giving "we had different views on marriage" a really pathetic, stupid sounding reason to break up with someone, or it if valid and acceptable?

 

Are you kidding ? That is the BEST reason not to get married !!!!!!!

Not stupid at all- Stupid would be getting married when one or both of you are not fully invested in it- going in with little to no expecatation of it lasting.