I'm Not Sure

[KillingMoon]

I think it's kind of bad when you can't really decide whether to put a message in the suicide section or the abuse section.

 

From the year 2002 I have been sexually assaulted by my step-father. Although, I had been being emotionally abused since before that. I am seventeen now, meaning I was twelve then. I didn't realize it was wrong until about a year and a half later, but when I told him I wanted to stop, it was already too late. Everything I wanted, even to go out after he called me a homebody, I had to 'do something for'. He acually got violent a time or two smashing my computer monitor with a bat when I was sitting in front of it, because I wasn't quick enough to ge off and "give myself to him." He got me pregnant twice, both times he forced me to have an abortion. He said that a child would leave evidence, and he would throw me out.

 

I separated myself into different parts so to speak, I had myself which would be the person that I only let out when I was alone and I could think about what he was doing to me. I let everyone else see the other me, the cold-hearted teenager with trust issues.

 

My step-father left my mother for about a month, and it seemed final. I was so happy, because I had a reason for it to stop finally. My mother was a mess, and I was the strong point. Then he came back and everything was worse.

Before, apparently some sick twisted part of me actually still trusted him. Now I don't. My mother thinks everything is fine, and she is just edging away from nervous breakdown point.

 

Today I thought I just wish I could be rid of him.

 

Then the receptionist from my school comes into the classroom, and tells me I have to leave right now, I have to take my dad to the hospital.

He's now in the hospital, in A-Fib. One part of me wants him to not come home, while the other is praying for him to come home soon.

 

Then I can't stand myself for being so weak. With either option. The part of me that doesn't want him to come home is glad he's there saying that I can't take anymore abuse, and I'm weak for wanting to have him come home. The other part is saying he needs to come home soon so our family is whole again, and I'm weak for not being able o take the abuse.

 

I think the resolve I once had is finally broken and I can never 'turn off' my brain anymore I am constantly thinking about it. I want to finally end it all. Even if death is a state of nothingness it would be better than this. I'm beginning to think hell would be beter than this.

 

The worst part of all is he won't let me get any kind of help. He says that everything might come out to a therapist, or if I'm on pills they might just loosen my tongue.

 

I also think if I go and he does my mother might not be able to hold herself up anymore, and she may just fall into the same blackened abyss I'm in.

I don't know what to do.

[SwtMary]

It is hard to reply to this. I could not imagine going through something like this. I was sexually abused when I was 7 but I was able to tell my mom immediately. He had been abusing children in my neighborhood for years and finally went to jail for it. He was someone I trusted and loved very much. I didn't have a grandfather and he was my replacement. I really think you need to tell someone about this. You know what he is doing to you is not right and needs to be held accountable for his actions. I know it is hard for you for many reasons. I hope that you will one day (sooner than later) be able to tell someone that will be able do to something about it. God bless you hun and know that "we" are here for you.

[nikesnlevis]

First of all, you are NOT weak. Coming here is a step in the right direction, and I'm sure took a lot of courage on your behalf. Like SwtMary said, you know what he's doing isn't right, and you don't deserve any of it. Do you have any close friends you could confide in, or a counselor at school? I know know how your relationship with your mother is, but I think she needs to know the guy she is with is a piece of #*&*, and is doing severe damage to you physically and emotionally. Please seek help, and get the support and strength you need to pull away from this sorry excuse of a man.

[eurocar]

I feel incredibly bad for you and your situation. I cannot imagine the tumult and anguish you've gone through. It's hard for me to fathom such circumstances.

 

One thing, however, that I think you need to realize that when people are abused--ANYONE--their minds go in circles and actually begin to turn the anger, the resentment, and the blame inward. They feel guilty and they feel like the problems are attributable in part or in whole to them. And it simply is not true. You hold absolutely no blame here and you need to realize that the person perpetrating this is a sick individual who does not care about your mental well-being. He only wants to use you for sexual gratification.

 

Tell your mom, tell someone, and get him out of that house. You have been subjected to enough hell; you need to end it now. Don't let your confusion and understandably vacillating emotions get in the way. He is a bad person, period, who needs to be out of your life so you can heal.

[SwtMary]

Very well put!

[KillingMoon]

Thank you for your replies. I know my post jumped around. I have told one of my friends, whom is older, and she thinks the same thing I do, that my mom will crumble. I helped my next door neighbor, and friend, tell her mom that her Step-Father was sexually asaulting her. Her mother lied to her face, took her to live out of state with the man, and now she is miserable and scared. That is something I couldn't have borne.

Now I have deep trust issues not wanting anyone to get close, and a deeply rooted man hating attitude. So basically I closed myself off from most human contact.

 

I threw myself into my studies, and I finished High School at 16 so there goes school councellors. I am in a technical school now but my teacher is a guy.

I am 18 in a couple more months, already have a decent, well paying job when I do. I don't want to tell her if I don't have the opourunity to get away if things don't work out. I know it can get worse, more violent, I'm just not sure if I'd mind because then at least I'd feel something that connects me to the outside world, and I could hit him back.

 

I didn't know that about survivors and that helped, because at the very least I know that I'm not the only one who feels like their emotions are at war with themselves. Thank you again, they did actually help to put things into perspective. I'm going to wait on telling my mom until he gets out of the hospital. Just so I know I'm not going to rip her heart out and dance naked on the pieces. Just in case he doesn't make it.

[KillingMoon]

It looks like he's going to make it. I'm still not sure how I feel about that.

[Enigmatika]

Go to the Police.

 

You need to take care of YOU. #1.

 

You are NOT weak. You are abused. You are NOT at fault. You have been betrayed on every level.

 

You owe him NOTHING.

Your Silence allows him to continue...you can end it.

[headunderwater]

Can you call a domestic abuse hotline? or go to one for counseling? It would be free and they understand there. It took me a long time, but I called one. I call a few times a week just to reassure myself. You don't need to call and then leave or anything, they won't try and get you to make any decisions, they will just listen and help if they can.

[KillingMoon]

Can you call a domestic abuse hotline? or go to one for counseling? It would be free and they understand there. It took me a long time, but I called one. I call a few times a week just to reassure myself. You don't need to call and then leave or anything, they won't try and get you to make any decisions, they will just listen and help if they can.

 

Honestly, I never figured this was domestic abuse, but that sounds like a good idea. I guess I'll try it. It is just totally different typing it, and saying it aloud. I think typing it makes me faceless, and voiceless, but saying it aloud, I have one less security blanket.

 

It's silly, I know it's silly, but that doesn't make it any less real.

[headunderwater]

How are you doing? Have you talked to anyone? Do you want to talk to us some more?

[KillingMoon]

Hey, I'm back. I really wish I could tell you that I told, and now everything is fine. I've told different people and they all agree with me that if I had told my mom then she wouldn't believe me. I'm 18 now, and looking for a job. As soon as I can I'm leaving. I actually want to go cross country, but not only to put as much space as I can between me and him. I want to go to Washington state. Unfortunately in that aspect I'll have to go to an accredited school to become a pharmacy tech. Everything has cut down significantly because he got a job with long hours, that he's about to leave for one with shorter ones. While the reprieve lasted I got to thinking about myself and realized just how messed up I really was. No dreams, no goals. Didn't even know the answer to a question a five year old does without hesitation. What do you want to be when you grow up. I realized I truly didn't expect my mind to hold out this long. I'm an insecure non trusting mess. I got told the harshest of realities the other day, that I didn't know how to love because no one cared enough to show me how. I realized I've never had a boyfriend and subsequently realized I'm probably going to be the old lady with the plastic plants and cats, or worse in a string of bad relationships that accumulate like threading dark opalescent pearls. To insecure untrusting and self loathing by a discustingly large number. I feel like I'm missing a part other people are just born with, and that scares me. What other people have come naturally I fake.

The funny part is, I would've wished for this a while ago, but now, I'm not sure which is worse. When I separated myself and didn't have the time or the effort to feel, or now, when I feel too much and it's like every emotion is like a dagger at my self worth.

 

I do have one goal now, though, get the hell away, as fast as my legs and wallet can take me.

[mintblossom]

I felt so so bad for you just reading your posts. Your step-father is a sick and evil man. Anyone who can do something like that to a child is pure trash. Your mother is better off without this guy.....what woman wants to be with a child molestor? what mother would want her daughter to be molested under her own roof?

 

I really think you need to tell someone...tell a therapist or a counselor. I think it would be so helpful for you to speak with someone. This man needs to be locked up - he may either look for another child victim or is already abusing other children. There is help out there, but you have to keep searching for it. I really think he needs to be reported.

 

Please call 1.800.656.HOPE. It is free, confidential, 24/7, and helps victims of sexual abuse. Please check it out. I found it through a national website that helps victims. link removed