Honesty/opinions please...Am I being needy?

[LikeYouImagined]

I am in a long-term relationship with a guy whom I live with and it is like any good relationship in that it's fulfilling on many levels but flawed on a few others. Or maybe, I am the flaw in this particular case...you be the judge:

 

The issue is that I have a need for him to outwardly show affection toward me (at least once daily) in any of the following ways: Kisses (any kind), hugs, cuddles, sex, etc...I would like a kiss and a hug each day or something along those lines. The problem is that on many days he doesn't do any of these things and the only way I'll get a kiss or a hug is if I ask for one.

**Note: He does in fact hold me and kiss me goodnight every night when we go to sleep.**

 

Basically, now that our relationship isn't new anymore, I see that he is the kind of person who just doesn't feel the need to outwardly show affection to me every single day, and on the other hand, I am the kind of person who needs just that. So, I did talk about this to him and we both said we'd put effort into fixing the situation, BUT the last time we both said we'd put effort into something was when I told him that I needed to have sex at least once or twice a week and well, he only put effort into to this agreement for like 3 weeks (which I have not complained about because I don't want to pester him.)

 

Am I too needy because I want a kiss and a hug every day/sex twice a week to feel fulfilled in my long-term relationship? Do you think I even had the right to ask him to give more when he's already giving what to him feels natural to give? I feel so guilty asking anything of anyone....and I want the way he interacts with me to be genuine and not forced. What do you think?

[Excalibur]

You're with a man that doesn't like the physical aspect of a relationship - period.

 

Hugging,kissing, touching, sex...none of that is gratifying or pleasing to him in emotional element.

 

So he's going to have sex with you when he wants to ejaculate and needs the release...andhe's not going to be what you probably think of as affectionate or romantic physically at all....sexually or otherwise.

 

What you want isn't unreasonable to want...to expect it out of someone that doesn't like affection is unrealistic.

[NorthDallas40]

I was in a marriage that had very little physical displays of affection, even though I craved it and told her so. She agreed to try, but never did.

 

I'm no longer in that marriage and am glad I'm not.

 

You're not being needy at all. You have every right to expect affection in a relationship - but the above poster is right. If he's not like that, he's probably never going to be like that.

[Aviatormy]

To me it sounds like he has just become WAY too comfortable in this relationship. I think that the spice is fading away.

 

Many people will get comfortable in a relationship and allow things to die down. It is the responsibility of both partners to keep that fire going.

 

Here are some of the things that my GF does that makes me WANT to kiss her, have sex, cuddle and do other affectionate things.

 

1) She just simply acts cute around me I.E. singing in the car, dancing very cute while walking around the store, puckering up her lips, telling me that she loves me at least 20 times a day.

 

2) She will just grab my hand whenever she wants to hold it

 

3) randomly touches me or grabs me with a seductive look upon her face

 

4) gives me massages and makes them a little intimate

 

5) Whispers in my ear "I want you" at places that I can do absolutely nothing about it.

 

 

 

There are many things that you can do on your part to increase his sex drive and ambitions. Play a little hard to get in an innocent way. Try whispering in his ear that you want him while you are at the grocery store. Rub his leg or grab him while in the car.

 

In short, act as if the relationship is new again. Wear some sexy clothes while you two are alone. Sit on his lap at random and give him a short and sweet sexual movement.

 

All you have to do is arouse his mind and the rest will fall into place

[mis12ty]

i think u've done great to talk about it to him. i certaintly wouldn't consider you're requests 'needy' but like u say u don't want to force him into a corner of giving u false affection.

in a long term r'ship i think it's important that the relationship doesn't turn into the inevitable friendship that has more than likely grown between you. but be wary about falling into a routine of one kiss/hug a day/sex 2 times a week. maintain spontenaity - that may mean actions rather than words...going out for dinner, making dinner in...doing stuff that's romantic that distinguishes the boundaries of a sexual loving relationship and a friendship.

it sounds to me like this is a new thing but at one time he was into physical intimacy and sex...try and rekindle that.

[Johnathan]

Is he emotionally there for you, or do you feel he falters with that at times too??

[LikeYouImagined]

Excalibur, thank you for your response...I also feel that this is just "who he is" (not into a lot of physical affection) and I don't think I can/want to change who he is, so it's too bad that I am so different from him I guess.

[anggrace]

We all have strong desires for what we want in our lives. If you wanting more affection makes you "needy", than I guess we are all needy in our own way. I don't think there's anything more you can do besides express how you feel and then let it go. People will give affection when they feel the urge. It's not something you can force or convince them to do. I don't think there's anything wrong with not settleing for this though. If it's important to you, find someone else who feels the same.

[LikeYouImagined]

NorthDallas40, I see from what you said that you agree that this is who my boyfriend is and I may need to just accept this or leave the relationship, so thanks for your insight.

[LikeYouImagined]

Aviatormy, I see what you're saying about losing the spice in the relationship and I will definitely try the things you suggested, so thank you.

 

Also, I would like to mention that I told him that I want us to never lose the level of passion we had when we met and he said that I am living in a dreamworld! He also said he thinks it's natural for some passion to be lost and replaced with a "deeper love" but why am I living in a dreamworld if I just want a bit of both?

[Lana0120]

I don't think it makes you needy to want to have affection expressed physically (be it a kiss, a hug or sex) every day, beyond a quick kiss and hug goodnight. It just sounds as though you may not be compatible in this area, the way that some couples are not sexually compatible. How is your relationship otherwise?

[LikeYouImagined]

mis12ty, you are right that he used to kiss me and hug me a lot...and it became less and less until I have to initiate it because he doesn't feel the need anymore. I definitely agree that I don't want to make our sex life have a distinct and boring pattern by demanding specific things at certain times...I would love to go out on more dates with him whenever we have the extra money and I agree that doing romantic things in general will help. Thanks!

[LikeYouImagined]

Johnathan,

 

I do feel like he is emotionally there for me, so that's why I feel like I am being too needy because it's like I'm saying "I know you love me and you are always there for me but it's not enough...you have to do this and that too!"

[LikeYouImagined]

angrace, thanks for your wisdom. I do agree that people cannot be forced into giving affection and yet you also make me feel like my feelings about wanting more signs of affection are valid...I will try to let this go (now that I've told him how I feel and what I'd like) and see what happens.

[LikeYouImagined]

lana0120, yes it seems we are not compatible in this area judging by the fact that you and others suspect that this is the case...in other areas the relationship is good so that's part of the reason why I feel guilty for not just being "satisfied."

[Lana0120]

You don't have anything to feel guilty about. Personally, if either of you have anything wrong with you.. it's your boyfriend. He has a point that some of the initial passion wears off after a while, but it sounds like the passion well and truly died a death! In a healthy relationship, some showing of affection on a daily basis is the norm! Perhaps you should have a discussion with him and see if there are ways that you can bring the 'passion' back into the relationship? If he scoffs at that though, I don't see what you can do. It is a case of asking yourself how important physical affection is to you. Whilst I don't need hugs and kisses every five minutes (although I wouldn't complain! ;-)), I'd certainly be concerned if they weren't there on a daily basis, unless one of us had a particularly stressful day or something.

[Taylor527]

Basically he is not an affectionate guy, if you want affection you aren't going to get it in fulfilling amounts from him. If affection is very important to you and you believe this will always be a problem you two have then I suggest to find someone else. As bad as that sounds, why waste your life with someone who will never be what you need?

[LikeYouImagined]

Taylor527, thanks for your perspective. I agree that I can't make him go against his nature.

[LikeYouImagined]

lana0120, thanks again for your additional response. You make me feel re-assured that I am not being demanding or ridiculous.