how can you make yourself less clingy?

[crinklecat]

okay I've been haggling over this breakup thing for the last 4 days. I believe that my clingyness probably has some to do with it.

 

now how do you go about becoming less clingy?

 

I come from a family of co dependency (my mom basically serves and does everything for my dad) It has worked for them, but the example that they have set for their kids doesnt live in the modern day to day world. Maybe that is why I am having a hard time dating. It is something that I can focus on. I have admitted it and dont seem to know how to remedy myself of it. I am not clingy with my friends, but when I am dating someone it does gat that way a bit, although not as bad as it was before.

[S4il]

hard not to be that way sometimes crinkle cat...I'm sort of the same way, it helps sometimes to just forget about that person, i know it's hard to do, have any hobbies you do, any friends that can occupy your time more efficiently to take your mind off HIM, even while split...I'm sure you still feel like you need to attempt some sort of patch work, by communicating again...well really i would just leave it alone. him i mean,let him make thee contact when he is ready, your decision to accept him back or not, Really, us guys are suckers for "coming back on our knees" when bed sheets get cold at night.

 

I don't think it would have to have anything to do with your parents, maybe perhaps that Could have been the way you always saw things growing up, so you unconsciously believe that is the right thing to do when in a relationship with a man? not sure just a speculation...not a solid one at all

[Juniebug]

I can relate to you about being clingy. Personally, I think people get clingy because they are feeling attached to the other person. However most of the time we might not realize that the other person need to have their space.

 

I think the next relationship you have, you should try to do things that does not always have to involve your bf, such as going out with your friends. Try to remember that being in a relationship doesnt mean that you guys dont have to go and be everywhere and do everything together. Do not call a person too much, they might get irritated. Communication is the key in having a relationship, you should ask your partner how they feel. Some people, believe it or not, dont mind the other person being clingy.

 

Its good that you realized what your parents has is not defined in today's world but it does work for them. Some things works for people, some don't, you just got to find your match.

[russia]

sad to say, it's going to be hard to break your mould. and besides, relationships are about co-dependency.

 

better for you to find someone who accepts your clingyness, than fight it. and better if that someone is able to gently and lovingly teach you to let go and still be closer in a relationship.

[crinklecat]

I guess so, he was never a good communicator and I would assume he probably needed a lot of space. He just never told me that.

 

I guess he will learn as his next relationship unfolds.

 

I really dont think that he will ever come back. I just dont see it as his type. He just keeps on moving on. Judging from the way he broke up with me (via email) he won't come back begging. He's just too weak to do that.

 

I really dont want to talk to hm anyway. I came to him being only as I could myself. sometimes I question why, and wonder what he's doing . I get a tear in my eye and get sad. Could he be sitting at his computer right now at home? Oh how I will miss conversing with him. He was a refreshing spark in my non mentally stimulated life. That statement just made me cry.

 

I'm ok for the most part, the computer has really kept me going. I just get the moments of a roller coaster. I hate them. I am thankful that he made me realize that I do have a soft side that needs nurturing. He wasnt the best at that. Very guarded and unemotional.

 

All this and I cant believe I only dated him for 2 months. What does that say?? I know it means something, but I cant figure out what.

 

Here's a little whispy that I wrote I think that anyone going through a breakup dumping whatever can undeerstand what I am saying

 

I think about you and wonder what you are doing. Was your boss a jerk to you today? I watch tv and I think to myself that you dont have one and that I am glad that I never brought one for you. I thought we got along rather well don't you think? We were both very much on the same intellectual level, and could talk about a lot together. It was very comfortable being around you.

Do you think about me? are you wondering what I am doing, how I am? I wonder how you feel. Do you even care or have you just dumped me for the thrill and anticipation talking to someone new? I know I cant call you, and I will not, because There is nothing to be said. You sealed the deal with the email and really didnt give me any options but to just deal with the situation and move on. I think that is what hurts the most. You couldnt even tell me in person.

You really got me to let my guard down and then zinged me. I know that I will survive, but am scared on how this will affect my future relationships. I know I am needy, I've been through a lot not with you but with many, and I know who I am. I know what my need are and now am aware painfully so what they are. You have touched my life in a way that Hasnt been touched in a long time. You opened me up and made me reealize that I do have the need to trust someone again, and to feel comfort and security in a relationship.

 

 

You were there for a reason, and sadly I wish it could be more, I dont think that it will ever be.

 

But I thank you for being that reason.

 

and now I shall exit and go back to the corner.

[sisterlynch]

We all get clingy when we think that we are being lied to and want the other person to admit the truth. The truth is easier to take than being strung along. We need to have those around us be honest for our own good, not just by saying we are being clingy, which doesn't tend to help and only makes the situation worse in fact. the other person must admit that they have been a jerk and will try and behave in the future. This helps us ward off our tendency to cling, which is a natural tendency given that something that we want, our love to be mutual, or accepted by the other, is being taken for granted. This is in essense why we cling! We don't know the whole story and we are like children waiting for reassurance that the storm will be over soon.

 

If our needs are still not accepted by the other person, then we become depressed, and as more time goes by the depression can turn into illness.

[crinklecat]

I agree with you sister lynch.

 

That is a very good analogy.

 

In this past breakup I was just being myself, and I dont feel that I was being overly clingy at all. I was interested in the guy and wanted to do things with him, which is natural if you like someone. I guess that -this is the tough part- some people have communication issues and to be successful in a relationship, they need to have that ability to say, hey I need some space or this is kind of a bit too much for me right now.

 

I think the guy that dumped me,doesnt have those communication skills. I think that It became obvious by his choice of forum form dumping me, which was via email.

 

We had a flare up in the past and the next day I asked him if he wanted to talk about it and he didnt. I should have seen the "red flag"

 

I am actually doinf quite well today, I am not as torn up as I was about being Dear Johnned, but am still mildly hurt.

 

It's just taking the body a bit longer to come around and re gain its senstivity to stress, like loud noises, stomach aches and the such.

[sisterlynch]

It sounds like you are overcoming some trauma, with the sensativity to noise. I know that certain forms of betrayal make you feel like any thing can happen. The weird thing about our memories is that we remember bad things much more easily than good, because bad is a warning.

 

How would our survival mechanism work if we never remembered or thought over bad events, would we ever have made it out of the jungle as a species? Like say you were out hunting with another guy, and that guy got jumped by a jaguar while you and he were out hunting, but when you returned to camp, and couldn't remember what happened to him, what do you think the others would think happened to him? We make up stories to explain things to ourself that maybe others can't explain to us. The next time you went hunting, you would think a jaguar was hiding behind every bush, wouldn't you??

 

We still have those same memories in our brain stems of fight or flight, or do nothing. We are normally presented with those options, aren't we??

 

In times of stress, we have 3 choices: run away, fight it out or ignore it and do nothing. Some of us are aggressive and are used to getting our way, so we fight. Some of us are passive and used to not getting heard by others, so we do nothing. Some of us feel guilt very strongly over our past, so we tend to run away from stress. Once you realize which of these types of person that you are, you can deal with things in your own way. But until then, it is hard to make choices.

[crinklecat]

I guess I could say that I run away, then maybe come back to dealing with it?

 

I am definitely not aggressive in that kind of means, I can deal with stress dead on when I see it coming, but when I dont and it blindsides me, man oh man do I have problems. when they say the five stages of grief, I am there in all 5 of em. I guess you could call that kind of stress traumatic stress.

 

Yeah I am recovering from some trauma.

 

and I know that goes away with time.

[sisterlynch]

Which stage are you in, now? If you dont mind my asking?

[crinklecat]

it depends on the hour... ha

 

 

 

lets see..... In the last hour, I cried, got angry, accepted that he wasnt the match for me, felt guilty for feeling better, wondered if I would ever hear from him again, and then felt sad then I was resigned to the fact that it didnt work out. O've been through a lot of grief in my life, and I know that this is the process Nothing stays with me for long, there may be a trigger, or something I see or a completely unrelated thought like thinking of doing something, you know how it is. My mind thinks of so many things, I've kind of accepted that it's going to be like this for a while and let it just all flow through.

 

but then again, I was listening to coldplay (the scientist) which made me cry

 

and then I listened to beautiful by christina aguilera and then I felt better,

 

I guess I figure if I go through all of them, when I get over I let go of it all and am clean move on.

 

I guess you could say it's kind of harsh to do something like that, but putting myself through that really gets me to release and keeps my soul clear..

 

I'm working on the self stuff tomorrow. This was my emotion time.

 

I did however pick up this book by barbara deangelis called "Are you the right one for me?" I am going to give it a read (since I have all this free time without a job) so that I can become less of a wimp in saying what I want and settling for what I get even though it may not be the best for me.

[Cid]

I dont know if you can make your self less clingy, but if you find out tell me so I can brake my habbet of beening clingy.

[sisterlynch]

Try not to feel gulity about letting it go. this is a very big stumbling block for a lot of people. Try and keep on moving forward without regrets. I think I have heard of Barbara DeAngelo. I hope that book works, let me kmow if you need any more help.

 

I used the google search to come up with a lot of ideas that helped me to move away from what I was dealing with. Look at all your coping mechanisms, some are good and some are not as good. Be aware that it will take time, but you will do it!!