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Is this as big of a deal as I make it??


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Hi, I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for nearly three years now. I know we love each other very much and are committed to each other. However, I was really upset this week as tuesday was my birthday, and though I saw my boyfriend in the morning as he dropped me off at work, he didn't say anything besides the usual - no happy birthday or anything. I decided to disregard it...he's a student and has class until late on tuesdays, so I wasn't sure if I would see him that day. Anyway, his phone had died and he had left the charger at my apartment, and he called me around 11:00 pm on someone else's phone to ask if he could come by and get it in about 30-45 mins. Well, I was extremely tired and I feel asleep, and he couldn't get in my apartment to give me a gift and everything, which was his plan.

So, I saw him the following day and he was acting very sullen and a little mad, and explained that he felt differently now about the gift he was going to give me, and that he had something to say planned out, but wasnt going to give it to me anymore. I do not understand this, and I got very mad, and told him that I heard happy bday from everyone BUT him, and would have loved even just a card, and that it's wrong for him to just get angry and not give me anything b/c his own phone died. Anyway, I got really emotional, cried, told him maybe he's not worth being on birth control pills, and pushed him away when he tried to hold me. And the worst part is, every birthday Ive spent with him, something has made him angry and I've ended up feeling terrible. Should I make this into a big deal or just talk it over with him, or what? Sorry this is so long, thanks for reading this, I feel so conflicted and mad...

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mmm.... the major problem with stuff like birthdays is that you both have set expectations for how the event is going to play out.... He obviously had something ready and set up for you.. and you kind of inadvertadly ruined that for me... so hes a little upset about that....


which is odd because you'd think YOU would be upset about that... but I digress..


Anyways, so in this rush of emotions he clearly felt that "anger" was the easiest to express and he needed a sense of "validation"... this is due to his "I'm now not going to give you the present" sort of atitude... in an attempt to make you say "No, I do want the present, I love you, ect ect"


Obviously you didnt respond to that... things escalated.. and it SOUNDED like he was trying to fix what he did.... and you kind of pushed him away....


lots of speculation up there so feel free to tell me I'm off base...


As for if its a big deal or not.. well.. its kind of about extremes.... If this is common behavior.. then yea, this is getting to a point of unacceptable.. however... if hes been stressed out about other things and this was a final straw, then I dunno, its something that can be worked out....


It sounds though like you've kind of put him into a very negative light in your post, which makes me think that this relationship is on the down slope.. so if hes been bugging you a lot and you want justification to end the relationship, this isnt too bad of a reason i guess~

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thanks maverick, you're basically right..it's possible that he has been stressed out lately...but he prefers not to talk about his problems (which does not help) I don't really feel like I want to end the relationship, usually he's a very sweet and loving guy but this behavior seemed ridiculous to me..

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hi - i would talk to him. in the future, maybe you two should make plans in advance, instead of him assuming that you are awake and he can drop by that late at night. maybe next time when it's your birthday, tell him a week in advance what you would like to do on your day. ie, tell him you'd like to go to this restaurant or watch that movie, and then make the plans in advance. i guess he had a surprise, but he didn't really plan it out so well. it seems like you assumed he'd do something during the day, and he just assumed he could come by at night, so that led to a lot of hurt on both your parts. work on communicating with each other better.


good luck

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Thanks Annie24 and burningbright02, I talked to him today and tried to talk things over, I think things are pretty much resolved..I tried to tell him that I absolutely didn't mean to lock him out and wanted to see him..I appreciate your help, it really helped me see a different side to this than me just feeling bad, I feel pretty silly now actually.. i see it's just as much of my fault really..

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