Ex Boyfriend is driving me mad

[Bamabelle]

I have posted several questions about my last guy...if interested see posts by Bamabelle. Now it has been six months since our break up, we still talk about 3 times a week and see each other about once during the week. He is still confused, never asks me out, when I ask to start over...he is still not sure. I felt like I was turning into a freak because I would not give up after 6 months, yet he would not tell me "no I don't want to be with you". I never caught him with anyone else during this time...trust me I tried...But after 6 months a friend that I have known for a year and have been attracted to hit on me. I kissed him and then I made him leave because I was so freaked out that I loved my guy and I was upset that I even had kissed him. But at the same time, wondering what was being done as far as my ex hooking up while keeping me strung along. About 2 weeks later I had a party at my house and the my 'friend' was here and I did have a little too much to drink (No excuse, I am 29), and I finally thought, "girl, you need to move on, get a grip and realize that if your ex has not really given you what you need after 6 months, you are a stalker...hehe) So me and my friend ended up having sex. I know that is a little sad in itself that I was not even in love with him, in addition looking for the experience to make me feel better or to help me move on. I guess that is another issue to talk about later...but my problem...

 

The day after, I felt horrible and decided to tell my ex what I had done and that I realized that I do truly love him and made a huge mistake. He was blowing me off and said he could not talk to me and wanted to know what it was about and then remarked that if it had to do with our relationship he did not want to discuss it. I became a little hysterical, angry that I was coming to him with something very important and he could have cared less. When he denied me, I did a stupid physco girl thing and went straight to his house. He was so mad that he finally said, that he did not love me anymore and we should not be together, that I was emotionally unstable at that time because I was crying. Crying because I had sex with another guy and because he truly did not seem to care about my needs anymore. I left without telling him, since it really did not matter anymore because he finally said 'take off' basically. A week later he called and we had a nice talk about everything except us. he came over that night and I wanted him there so badly, but I was sick with myself because he wanted to make love and I let him without telling his about the other guy. I finally had him somewhat with me and I was too afraid to lose him again, thinking that it would only hurt him. After Thanksgiving (about a week and a half later) everything was changing...he seemed to be doing all the things I wanted and things were looking up. One night he sat me down and asked if I had slept with anyone. I will not lie, so I told him what happened, why I did it, and what I learned. He was furious, calling me names, telling me that I did not love him. WE WERE BROKEN UP, but he said that he still loved me all that time and out of respect for me he never slept with anyone. He made me feel like the biggest loser ever. But for six months he was confused, left me hanging, and had ever told me it was over a month ago. But of course I kept trying...what the h*ll!! Now I am the bad guy??? He wants nothing to do with me now, but continues to harass me and make me feel like total trash. If I had any idea that he still felt that way, I would have never done that. Either 1) he truly was confused and needed space and was honest when he said he did not want to date anyone...thereforeeee I slept with this other guy because of my own mistrust or insecurity or 2) He is just pissed now and is playing a great game with my mind by blame shifting everything so now he does not feel like he has done anything wrong. He keeps text messaging me, one minute he still loves me the next I am loser tramp. I want to just slap him!! Might I remind you that the thing that lead us here was his actual lying and cheating on me to begin with, in which stupid me) took his sorry butt back and never really recovered from the instance...oh my....I reminded him of that and he had the nerve to tell me that what I did was different.....he is crazy I think and obviously cannot even comprehend what he has put me through, but can only think of his needs. I am trying to ignore him, even though I have wanted him for so long. I know he will never get over this, and he feels that I did this just to spite him...I know this is long. I should have written a book....tell me what to do now...how do I let someone go that I loved so much, when they won't stop telling me that they love me.

[The Morrigan]

Yep, you're the bad guy... I'm kidding, of course.

 

Seems like you shot his little world to hell - the one where he had you, but didn't have to make up his mind about anything. Of course he's angry, it slapped in his face what he's doing, and that 6 months of dragging being "confused" out isn't going to last forever - his little protective bubble just popped with a bang. Though he may be ACTING dense, odds are he's just as upset with himself, if he truly wants you for himself, at creating the situation where he broke up with you and basically left you not knowing what he wanted or expected. Of course, he was HOPING you'd sit on ice and await his decision, problem is, that just isn't realistic, not when you're telling someone you don't want to be with them! He's lucky you didn't have someone else already - telling someone you don't want them isn't very respectful of their feelings, especially expecting them, hearing that, to keep the fire burning for you anyway!

 

I don't know what his feelings are - but he certainly hasn't shown much inclination to put your interests and feelings as a priority. And I would tell him that in response to his avowals of love - that if he loves you, he'd be able to take your feelings into consideration at being dumped by the wayside for 6 months. He was the one who didn't want to be with you any longer, or so he said, and he has no right to hold it against you after that stretch of time if you chose to be with someone else. Technically you could turn it around and tell him you were respecting his wishes by trying to move on when he'd been unreceptive after all your efforts to be with him!

[lil_mamarains13]

I know this is hard, but I would tell him to take a hike. If he cheated on you once I wouldn't second guess that he was doing the whole time he was dragging you along. I have been in your shoes where I was told oh I'll be back, I still love you. B.S. He was dating another girl and blah blah blah. Anyways I would move on if I were you, and just ignore him completetly. It will take time to heal, but it is the best thing I believe that you can do. Good Luck! OH! Don't feel guilty for having sex with another guy if you and your ex were not together. The key thing is ya'll were broken up so he had no say.

[Beec]

If this his way, I would ask what in the world are you doing with him, because he seems crazy. Except, your behavior has not exactly been sane.

 

First, if you break up with someone, then being around them and talking to them a lot is wrong. If you don't want them, you are hurting them more by being around them. If they don't want you, you are just rubbing salt in your wounds and looking like a desparate wacko by chasing them. A little of this may be tolerable, but both of you seem to have gone way beyond a little.

 

Second, if you cheat on someone keep your mouth shut about it. An honest response when asked is not something to criticize, so I won't. But your urge and guilt about telling him is something to stifle. When you cheat, you take that guilt to the grave, maybe it will stop you from doing ti again. If you suspect them of cheating on you, you don't trust them and what are you doing with them, in particular if you are trying to catch him.

 

Finally, the alternative attack or avoid then declare undying love is destructive behavior, and it seems he is the worse of the two of you. However, you chased him for a while then got no response then fooled around, then changed your mind again. One shouldn't go through so many changes of emotion, so quickly. Your best bet is for both of you to stop talking to each other, for some time period. Just to stop what you are doing. Go and examine both of your behaviors and see if it can be avoided, then decide if you want to go back. Right now, it's not working. Can it in the future? Can you build some trust? Acutal loving behavior? A healthy relationship? Frankly, I doubt it. Once it is gone his bad, I think it is usually gone. However, you could be a rare exception. There are always exceptions. For the time, both of you should pull back and jsut be celibate for a short while. Think about what you want and need and can offer a relationship. When those ideas feel good, go find the relationship, with a little confidence that you will find it, so you are treated well.

[Bamabelle]

Thank you for taking the time to listen and respond. You have really helped make everything clear. I wish the best for all of you..

 

The Morrigan

lil_mamarains13

Beec

 

 

I don't think I will be visiting here for a while...maybe next time it will be on a good topic..

Paula

[Cid]

Well I hope that every thing works out for you and hope the here from you next time.