Truly Unique Situation... Clicky!

[enkymion]

A lot of things are unsure in life. However I am sure about this.

 

I am absolutely in love in my ex-girlfriend.

 

But here's the thing. She's convinced that we aren't meant for each other. She has stated she still has feelings for me. She's stated all of these great things about me. She still cares for me and all that other jazz but for some reason she just isn't open to trying it out again.

 

The reason why I feel it deserves to be attempted again is that the first relationship wasn't as good as I thought the first time so we took a break. However, during the break, we have both grown a tremendous amount. Especially myself. And now I feel like we are even more compatible than before. I could be wrong... but the thing is I don't know. And really she doesn't either! That's why I feel we should give it a shot.

 

But she says she doesn't want to be a teacher in a relationship. Yeah, she taught me a lot of things about relationships and myself that I didn't know. But now I feel more ready than ever to be with her. The break was very tumultuous... but it was needed. And now we are both better because of it.

 

So tell me... What can I do to open her mind towards giving this another shot? I've never believed in something so much...

 

Ask me more questions if you need more clarification.

[starlette08]

how long was the break for?

[enkymion]

Approximately 3 months...

[jettison]

Her comment is telling... "I don't want to be a teacher in this relationships". You can see how she's framed it, how she sees herself, and how she sees you in the relationship. She thinks that you're immature, that she is the leader, that you're a follower. Your newfound maturity is unlikely to ever change her take on you.

 

When you have a kid sister or a kid brother, and then they mature, they don't then stop being your kid sister or brother. They always will be. They never suddenly become the leader, and now you're the "kid looking up to the hero". It doesn't work that way. Your ex has self-appointed herself a roll, as she sees it. The dynamic is static in her head. In her head, she is almost doing you a favor just by being in the relationship.

 

Chances for longterm success: I'll give it 3 percent. You'd almost have to become a different person for this to all work out, and if you did become a different person, and you really changed that much, it's hard to imagine why you'd be so interested in someone that gives off an air of superiority toward you.

[enkymion]

I can understand how you feel that way. It's rather astute. But, I dont get the impression that it's a superiority thing. I get the impression that its just an experience thing. She's experience more things in her life than I have. And I've learned lessons that I should have learned long ago but they just didnt happen for me.

 

I consider myself a pretty mature person and so does she actually. It's just that I had a few weak, immature streaks that I wasn't aware of but they came out. And now that I am aware of them, I'm confident that they have been alleviated.

 

Basically about two weeks ago, she came over to my place and in essense told me things about myself that I didn't think that anyone ever knew or could find out. They were all indeed true and after I took some time to really figure things out, I believe I got a lot, if not all under control.

 

I really feel as though I've shed my old self. I really want her to give the new me a chance. That's all... Even if it's just one date. That's how confident I am that if I got it, she would see...

[EyesOnThePrize]

Chances for longterm success: I'll give it 3 percent. You'd almost have to become a different person for this to all work out, and if you did become a different person, and you really changed that much, it's hard to imagine why you'd be so interested in someone that gives off an air of superiority toward you.

 

I read this and thought "63.4% of all statistics are made up on the spot." However, I think what you say here makes some sense. That being said, if the is that important to the OP, then I think that he has nothing to lose and lots to gain by making the changes, if he believes they will make him a better man. As you point out, it may be that when he's changed, he may no longer be attracted to her, however I think he's likely to be more attractive to other women. It seems to be a win-win for him from that standpoint.

 

Just my thoughts.

[enkymion]

Yeah! See thats the thing! I know I've changed a lot for the better. And even SHE acknowledged it. Like she literally said she knows that I've gotten better in so many ways. I'm not saying all my problems are gone though. But I've come SOOOO far. And I know she's changed too...

 

That's why I haven't said for certain if we are meant for each other because I really don't know. But there's no way she can truly know either. We should find out!

[jettison]

I read this and thought "63.4% of all statistics are made up on the spot." However, I think what you say here makes some sense. That being said, if the is that important to the OP, then I think that he has nothing to lose and lots to gain by making the changes, if he believes they will make him a better man. As you point out, it may be that when he's changed, he may no longer be attracted to her, however I think he's likely to be more attractive to other women. It seems to be a win-win for him from that standpoint.

 

Just my thoughts.

 

Yes, you got the point of my post. All change done should be done for yourself. If you're doing it for someone else then it's disingenuine. The 3% was used as a metaphor rather then a statistic. I could have used any small number to convey "chances for success are quite slim".

[EyesOnThePrize]

Yes, you got the point of my post. All change done should be done for yourself. If you're doing it for someone else then it's disingenuine. The 3% was used as a metaphor rather then a statistic. I could have used any small number to convey "chances for success are quite slim".

 

Well, its also the way I feel about my ex. As I told her, I'm doing this work on myself for me, although she is my inspiration. The "new me" may not interest her, given her poor self-image and other issues. And I suspect it will attract a lot of other women. If that's the case, it will be her loss. She would have had a chance with a great guy, and she blew it for a loser because she wasn't willing to put in the same work on herself. I think that would be a loss for both of us, and that may just be how life plays out.

[enkymion]

I did them for myself though. It wasn't for her. Even she didnt think so. I no contacted for 2 weeks after we talked.

 

I'm not being sarcastic here: Is it not possible to change but still know what you want?

[brian123]

were you guys NC for those 3 months?

[EyesOnThePrize]

I did them for myself though. It wasn't for her. Even she didnt think so. I no contacted for 2 weeks after we talked.

 

I'm not being sarcastic here: Is it not possible to change but still know what you want?

 

I think so. If she still has the qualities you desire, why would you not still want her? I think that maybe if you've changed you'll be less blind to her flaws, and if that's still okay with you, then I think what you feel is real.

[enkymion]

were you guys NC for those 3 months?

 

During the break... there was a NC for a month. But no, we didn't NC for 3 months.

[enkymion]

I think so. If she still has the qualities you desire, why would you not still want her? I think that maybe if you've changed you'll be less blind to her flaws, and if that's still okay with you, then I think what you feel is real.

 

Exactly. I know her flaws. She stubborn. She freaks out over little things sometimes. She procrastinates. She doesn't appreciate/take care of some of her material possessions. She snores. She sleeps a lot. She can be a handful.

 

And you know what? I wouldn't take her any other way. Her flaws are way worth it.

[brian123]

enkymion. Perhaps you could write a longer post about what happened in your BU/what you've done since then so we can better gauge what happened?

[enkymion]

Ok. Understandable. I just wanted to be requested before I took the time to bang it out on the keyboard. I'm going to write it now. Will post again when finished.

[enkymion]

So basically we took a break in January. She cited that I was too needy (true) and I was suffocating her a bit. Also, she said she needed to know that I could live without her. It was really tough on me at first. I would cry practically every night. It didn’t go so well. We would still see each other. Things basically kinda drifted off some. Then for like March we didn’t really talk or see each other. We did spend Valentines together and we went on a date in late February. March was pretty dead. We barely talked. We started talking more in April but now I dunno. It’s hard to remember everything at this point. Gosh it’s been so much. I did some things during the break though. But I confessed to them. She’s forgiven me for them too.

 

Just keep pulling more stuff out of me as needed. I wont hold back.

[enkymion]

I know she says she just wants to be friends and she's pretty sure of that... But if she still has feelings for me and still cares about me and holds me in high regard, isn't it possible that there's still hope? Or am I just holding on to nothing...

[brian123]

I'd say to take things slow and let things come. I'd even pull back a bit. Don't wait to give her the option. Go out, have fun. Make it known that you don't NEED her. That is more likely to draw her closer. However, if she says she just wants to be friends, I'd take it like that and move on for now.

 

 

So you really didn't go NC for a while, just LC

[enkymion]

From like Late Feb til March 27th or so we spoke maybe once or twice and I literally never saw her.

 

Should I NC now or is it too late for that? She called me this morning because she needed help with her paper and I helped her. I couldn't find a positive in not helping her. But I'm not sure...

[EyesOnThePrize]

enkymion - I think there's still hope...and its only been 3 months...it took a while to break down her trust, it will take a while to restore it, IMO. Your post is coming off to me as needy/clingy/impatient. And I'm just some anonymous guy on ENA. If you act at all like that with her, she may just run. I think brian123's ideas make sense. Now, they make sense to me, and I'm not in your shoes, so you have to decide if they make sense to you.

 

Just my thoughts.

[jettison]

From like Late Feb til March 27th or so we spoke maybe once or twice and I literally never saw her.

 

Should I NC now or is it too late for that? She called me this morning because she needed help with her paper and I helped her. I couldn't find a positive in not helping her. But I'm not sure...

 

 

Here's what I know for sure... Every time in my life when I've literally forgot about an ex, dated someone else, and truly moved on, they've come back. Every...single... time, without fail. It's like a law of the Universe. So if you're contemplating what you should do then you're automatically doing it all wrong. If you're planning? Wrong. If you're scheming? Wrong. Wondering what she thinks? Wrong. Figuring out how to increase your chances of winning her back? Wrong.

 

This isn't a game for you to win. The decision is not yours. You cannot to anything to sway her opinion. Be sweet. Be mean. Be an angel. Be a jerk. Your actions and thoughts make ZERO difference. The sooner you realize that you're trying to solve a jigsaw puzzle that's missing half its pieces that better. The ball is in her court, NOT yours. There is nothing left for you to do.

 

If you truly embrace this notion - and I know how hard that is to accomplish - then you MIGHT "win" your ex back. But again, 90% of the time you'll have healed so thoroughly and you'll be such a happier person who is attracting so many other woman, that you won't even care to have her back any longer. But on the off chance that you do want her back, that's the only way she'll really come.

[enkymion]

I can understand how you would feel that way. I admit I used to be really impatient. I've gotten a lot better. I really don't exert any needy/clingy behavior anymore. I can tell that I've gotten better because I have a friend who's ex-bf was doing that to her. Then it hit me... that's what I used to be! I realize how unattractive it was.

 

I'm talking to you all on here with adamance but I do not push it on her. As a matter of fact, I pretty much let her just contact me... Her trusting me again is part of the problem. Infidelity wasn't the issue. It was something else...

 

I know nothing is going to happen overnight. But I dunno...

[enkymion]

I think you have a point...

[brian123]

Well not to complicate things. I agree with what Jettison is saying. If you push, you will loose.

 

With that being said, I've ended relationships of 1.5 and 2.5 years (with absolutely no significant fight at the end) only to walk away and essentially go total NC and have never heard back from either girl (it's been years and have no desire to get back with either). I am on week 4 of NC of my ex fiance of 1.5 years and never expect a call back (again with no fight).

 

If a girl keeps you around like that, they probably have 1 of 2 reasons.

 

1) Part of them still likes you, and the more you push, the less likely she will want to be with you. If you've made your intentions clear, and she doesnt want a relationship VISIBLY work on yourself and make yourself less available. Hit up the gym, date other girls etc.... If she likes you, she will come running back.

 

2) They are just stringing you along for the safety net type of thing (which isn't right) If you pull back from this, you are saving yourself from being hurt.

 

I know it is hard, but trust me, I've been in your shoes. It is terrible. If you move forward, you will be much better off. It is almost like the saying **** or get off the pot.