Friend Dyanamics

[whodathunk]

How did your friends react to your divorce?

 

I mean initially it was probably a pretty common reaction of surprise and sympathy. But in the longer view, particularly if as a couple you had a lot of mutual friends, how did it all shake out?

 

I found I was able to categorize it fairly neatly.

 

"MY" Friends: These were people who really weren't friends of the couple but friends of one of us. Work friends for example, or very old friends that predated the marriage. They didn't have any reason to question a narrow interpretation of events, but took it at face value and lined up in support of their friend.

 

"MY" Friends on a Mission: I didn't send any of my own friends out as scouts (although I might have made some inquiries), but in at least a few instances, close acquaintances of my ex with whom I had scarsely ever exchanged words called out of the blue (or in one case showed up at my door) to ask "how are you doing, I worry about you..." and "have you hired a lawyer yet?"

 

"The Vanished": This was a surprisingly large group of mutual friends who simply dropped almost immediately out of both of our lives as if we had never existed. I guess I get it and respect it, though it does hurt. They were friends of the couple... and now the couple is gone.

 

"Camp Chosen": Just what it is, friends who lined up here or there, for whatever reason. I've actually come to respect this category the most. You knew us, and who we were. We're still here, who do you relate to given what took place?

 

"Close MUTUAL Friends": This is actual the point of my post and it has hurt me the most. You cant be both, not with all this pain. In short, dont' call me to tell me what a beach she is while sucking down cocktails at her dinner party.

[Blackbear]

Ha ha.. It's amazing to find out who your true friends are when you divorce isn't it? Everyone magically disappears....including family members. Years later they tend to start slowly drizzling back around after they goofed and took sides.

[Dako]

That was one of the hard parts about my divorce. Sometimes it's just too awkward to retain those friends who see you as roadkill, giving you that wide-eyed look as they offer reluctant support. Eh.

[keenan]

That was one of the hard parts about my divorce. Sometimes it's just too awkward to retain those friends who see you as roadkill, giving you that wide-eyed look as they offer reluctant support. Eh.

 

Ugh, the pity look. I love my friends, but what can you do with the loyal ones who give you a little too much sympathy, treat you a little too carefully, look at the new people in your life as temporary fillers, and regularly refer to your ex in a hushed voice, with an all-knowing look and a sad little smile? I can't tell whether they're grieving their own loss, or trying to constantly affirm their loyalty to me by showing that they know what is "really" going on in spite of my valiant efforts to move on.

 

I've moved on...wish they would too.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

It can be really interesting to see how they behave.

 

Some of them can be quite terrified if their own marriages are shaky. They act as if divorce is 'catching' and can subconsciously avoid it or try to get you back together because they don't want to think it could happen to them. You get 'it wasn't so bad, was it?'. and 'can't you work it out?' without them even really knowing the circumstances.

 

Others are threatened by a singleton. They don't want you at parties etc. because you don't fit into their couples world and they are afraid their own partner might be tempted by you.

 

Many may have liked the partner or you as a couple and resent that you broke up the old gang.

 

And others are surprisingly lovely and kind and understanding and do everything they can to be there for you. those are the true friends.

[Dako]

BSBH,

Soooo true. After the split, people I thought were happy admitted marital issues.

A divorce can be huge eye-opener.