Falling for a colleague, and know I'm not his type. Don't want to scare him off.

[Lucy__lou]

I'm looking for a guy's perspective on this, because it's about how guys deal with attraction when it's coming from someone you'd never consider relationship material.

 

Basically I'm growing to love this boy I work with very much. I want to be allowed to love him and for him to not be scared that I'll try to be his girlfriend.

 

 

BACKGROUND

I work with this boy who is just so incredibly nice and just amazing (generous, helpful, open, friendly, good natured, good mannered, not macho, the list goes on, he's sickeningly wonderful). So it's no real surprise that I'm in a way falling in love with him. How could I not?

 

Now I'm not nearly as good a catch as him. I have issues, I am a bit socially inept, the list goes on. I'm not being down on myself, don't get me wrong, I'm awesome, but I would expect that if he wanted a girlfriend, he'd prefer someone who was more stable and normal like him, not a comparatively volatile freak like me. And to be honest, I'm not looking for a relationship with a boy either, not even one him. I'm more inclined towards women when it comes to serious relationships I think.

 

I'm not girlfriend material, and I'm definitely not wanting to date a work colleague, it would be wrong and awkward and asking for trouble. But the fact remains, I'm growing to love him. I often fluctuate between love and hate, but mostly love. (he's very difficult to hate for long because he's so damn nice).

 

THE QUESTION

So my question is this, if you were a twenty something boy, (and not yet ready for a relationship) and an older woman you worked with was beginning to fall in love with you, would you;

- assume that she wanted a relationship?

- And if you knew that she wasn't interested in starting anything with you, but that she was just being open in letting it show a little, would that still be too much information?

- Would you prefer it if she totally hid her feelings for you? Tried to kill them even?

 

MORE BACKGROUND

This boy and I talk quite a lot on the job, but we're not friends outside work, we don't have lunch together or anything. I think he's already drawn a thick line between work and social time, and we both sense a bit of attraction. Maybe he's attracted to me too, sexually, but I also know he'd never consider me as relationship material. And he's more the conservative type, and would probably be only into serious relationships. As for me, my feelings for him are basically just love. I could channel these feelings into romantic, sexual, or as a friend. Sometimes I think I would like to pounce on him and devour him. But I could quite easily redirect my passion for him into a 'just friends' kind of love. But if all forms of love are going to be unwelcome, then I might just have to temper the flames altogether.

 

MORE QUESTIONS

Any advice welcome. I want to be allowed to love him and for him to not be scared that I'll try to be his girlfriend. How do I do this?

 

Thanks!

[jul-els]

I don't know if you will get the info necessarily you're looking for here, because no one else's opinions/impressions of the situation may be similar to the one you seem to be smitten with. That being said, here's how I would feel if I were in such a situation:

 

Q #1: I wouldn't assume anything, but the thought would enter my mind.

 

Q #2: It would not be too much info, but too many mixed signals = turn off.

 

Q #3: If my feelings were mutual I would explore the potential further. If not, I wouldn't really mind one way or the other.

 

Q #4: Very slowly and very carefully.

 

Good luck!

[Lucy__lou]

Thanks for your advice, Diane. I think if I am to be patient, I'll mostly just have to focus on staying balanced, meditate, don't get swept up into mood swings. The love hate thing is the pendulum where I'm trying to handle the emotions, because working with him can be a bit of an emotional roller coaster. One minute I'm shaking my head thinking "you're sooo nice" and the next minute I'm conjuring up opposite emotions because I don't want to be vulnerable, and I want to retain my independence and resilience towards him and not be so affected by him, not care what he thinks. I suppose there's just as much chance I'll push him away with my mood swings and bad moods as from loving him too much.

 

I guess my ideal situation would be if we both confessed that we were into each other, and both mutually agreed not to go anywhere with it, except to stay friends, (perhaps with the odd indescretion).

[Excalibur]

Hello Mrs. Robinson.

[Lucy__lou]

Hello Mrs. Robinson.

 

pardon? what do you mean?

[jul-els]

Google "The Graduate".

[Loltastic]

Hi lucy

 

To be honest you remind me of the girl I am currently head over heels for, she crushed on me for a long time at work and I was completely oblivious to it/her. One day she came up and asked me for my MSN, I was like "ok... thats really odd, I wonder what she wants".

 

After a week or 2 of chatting to this girl I realized that she was absolutely insane, neurotic and had more problems than any girl I ever met, but I had never wanted to be with someone so bad and I asked her out on a date... a few months later she admitted to me that she never thought a guy like me would fall for a mess like her... but I just remind her that I think her mess is perfect lol.

 

Go for it go as hard and as scary as you want, cos if its right he will love every bit of it.

[Lucy__lou]

Thanks Loltastic. That's good to hear