I have 2 weeks... please help!

[nicole1236]

Hi all..this is my first post here but I've been reading for awhile. You all are so helpful and have gotten me through a lot already.

 

Here's my situation.. maybe I can get some advice, please?

 

My ex broke up with me about a month and a half ago. I had moved to Oregon with him (from California) and it basically just destroyed our relationship. I was there for 6 months.. and for the last two I got really depressed because I couldn't find a job and my ex didn't WANT to get a job.. and was just living off of the money his dad was giving him every month. Basically it was a weird living situation. We had our own house, but his mom and dad and older brother lived 5 minutes away (they all moved with us) and all my ex wanted to do was go over and hang out with his brother and do stuff with their band that they're in together.

I think in the 6 months we were together in Oregon.. I can only count ONE day where we weren't at his moms house.

When I first met my ex he had his own house, a car, wonderful friends, a high paying job and his band. Now, he lost a bunch of his friends, he has no job, can hardly pay his car payment and is living at his Grandmas house and his house in California went into forclosure.

I understand why he broke up with me.. I mean he lost everything, and here I was wanting his attention but he couldn't give it to me. He had nothing to give, really.

 

Did I mention he has a terminal illness on top of everything? He has Cystic Fibrosis... which means he produces an excess of mucus in his lungs. So he coughs a lot, and has to do medication for an hour every morning and every night. The median age that people live for with this disease is around 34. His brother has it too.. so they have this really strong bond that basically alienates everyone else.

 

Anyway. Here's what's going on now... He's here for the next 2 weeks because he has to do medication which involves going to the doctor once every couple days which means he has to be in California for awhile. He called me on Monday (I've been doing NC basically for the past couple days before he called) and he told me he was going to the hospital and wanted me to come over to the house he's staying at and go to the doctor with him. So I did. I was there Monday night, tuesday night and just came back home last night. I'm going over again today after I run a few errands.

 

Since Monday he's been acting VERY loving towards me. Very affectionate, holding my hand when we're out.. putting his hand on my leg while we're driving.. telling me I'm gorgeous. All the things he used to do when we were together. A couple weeks ago he told me he felt "relieved" when we broke up and that he didn't want to be in a relationship. A couple days after that he told me "whatever happens happens, and that he loves me still." Since then I had been doing NC because it was just too much to handle... but now.. this.

I have to be with him right now because he's sick and I love him, and I'm sure anyone else would do the same thing.

How should I act? What should I do? Should I talk about getting back together? For the past couple days I've just been acting really up beat and fun and talking about our good times we had together. We've been having a good time.. I just don't want to mess it up. I feel like this is a wonderful chance to show him we're supposed to be together and I want him to want to be with me after these two weeks. Is there any advice?

I know he's still in love with me, and very attracted to me.. so I'm hoping that helps, haha.

I'm sorry this is so long! I know it's a lot to read, but any help would be really appreciated!

[Hope75]

Hi There,

 

The big problem I see with this is that you are not happy with the way things have been since you moved.... he isn't working, he's living off his parents and wants to spend most of his time with them.

 

None of that has changed- so how is your relationship going to hold up when the things that broke you apart are still going on?

[SapphireNoir10]

Dont let him mess you around. Tell him in order to act like your boyfriend he has to have the priveledge of actually being your boyfriend, and If he doesnt want that, then to respect you and just be a friend.

 

I think its a very brave and kind thing of you to stand by him in his sickness.

 

Good luck Just talk it through with him.

[nicole1236]

I know. I'm not really sure. He's a "musician" so he's always going to be out on the road doing his stuff.. which I'm used to.

I never saw myself in that kind of lifestyle.. but I fell in love with him and now I don't know what to do.

I tell myself he's not technically good for me.. but then I'm with him and it all falls apart because my love for him never left, even when he broke up with me. I guess it's a heart VS brain thing.

[d1sturbanc3]

and I thought I was in pretty bad spot. Don't know what to tell except, he realize he doesn't want to die alone. I mean if I knew I was going to die soon, I would be desperate to find the people that I love and have them be around me. If you care for him, be there when he needs someone.

[Addicus]

WOW..I am not sure that I can give you any solutions. Your BF has a lot going on. I kow that when I was very depressed even though I loved the person I was with it was hard for me to keep them as a focal point in my life. Nothing felt good. It had nothing to do with not wanting them in my life. On top of all the loses he has had he is very sick, yes I know about CF....the fact that life expectancy is not long is bad enough but on top of that everyday he has to struggle with it. I know you care about him and you want to be there for him. I also know you are in a lot of pain. I think that you can do both if you have cleaer boundaries with him and are honest with yourself. He says "what happens, happens" That is OK in his head but does nto leave things very clear in yours. You might wnat to find more clarity in what he said. Based on his answer you can decide what you wnt to do. Does he need space? Does he want to work on the relationship? Asking questions takes a ot of courage because we may not life the answers but it does make things a lot clearer and we can make our own choices based on the informtion we get.

[Hope75]

I know. I'm not really sure. He's a "musician" so he's always going to be out on the road doing his stuff.. which I'm used to.

I never saw myself in that kind of lifestyle.. but I fell in love with him and now I don't know what to do.

I tell myself he's not technically good for me.. but then I'm with him and it all falls apart because my love for him never left, even when he broke up with me. I guess it's a heart VS brain thing.

 

At a certain point you need to use your head in a relationship- or else you will be taken advantage of, as you are now. It's nice to love someone, but is it really enough to make a relationship work and last? I don't think so. Relationships take work, from both partners.

 

Trust me, I've dated a 'musician', so I know the type. He isn't making any money with this music- is that right? At this point it's a hobby that he enjoys- correct?

 

What happens when his parents can no longer support him? Will you? It seems to me that the only way a relationship works is if both couples work together for the good of the relationship and both couples make each other a priority.

 

What was he doing when he had his own home in CA?

 

Are you really happy with him being at his family's every day, and not really making you a priority?

[hers]

Do you think it's possible he is depressed b/c of his illness? Maybe he doesnt want to spend time working b/c he'd be away from his family too often, and maybe he's realized that b/c he's sick, he wants to be close to you too (and regrets giving you up). For some reason, based on what you've written, I think it has a lot more to do with his illness than anything else. Perhaps he was loving to you recently b/c you kindly went with him to the hospital, and he is seeing that you are supportive and do care about him and wants you back in his life.

 

You said in the first long paragraph that you can understand why he broke up with you. Don't take the blame for that. You moved to a place where you knew no one, and it's to be expected that you wanted time with him. After all, you moved there to be with him.

 

Talk to him; maybe there's something about his illness that he's not letting on to. Maybe he knows something and is always with his family and holding on to you b/c of it.

[Hope75]

Please make sure you can separate your desire to be in a healthy relationship with someone who puts in what is required from his illness.

 

You are not responsible for him and if he uses his illness to get what he wants from you, but refuses to put in the effort that a real, committed relationship requires, than you are allowing him to use you.

 

It's truly unfortunate that he has CF, but remember that is separate from the problems you are having with him.

[kmac]

Do not change a thing. Dont ya just love how when you pull a away they want u to be closer? I know- so backwards. Even though the ball is really in your court, if you want to keep him, you have to let him think it's in his. Sorry...but words to live by. Do not declare your love for him. Make it purely platonic- as in your helping him while he is sick. Let him be the one to come back to you emotionally, if that is what you want. I mean for a guy who is losing or had lost everything it seems he'd want to hold to the one good he has-YOU. Do not let him know this is bothering you, keep up the fun upbeat self. Kinda take a step back and see if this is the life you really want. He is ill and doesn't have time for you-but has plenty of time for his bro and his band???? Distance makes the heart grow fonder.

[nicole1236]

So I'm back from taking care of the ex... first thanks so much to all of you for the advice and help, I truly appreciate it!

 

I'm left more confused as ever. I'd say 90% of our time spent together was wonderful. We just talked about the good times we had and spent the time enjoying each other. He said he loved me a couple times.. he was being so sweet and romantic and loving.

This is pretty much confusing. He did get a little distant a couple of times.. more towards the end.. right before he had to leave. I guess he was preparing himself or something?

His dad dropped by on his way home back to Oregon.. and my ex was being affectionate, calling me pet names and all that jazz in front of him.

 

So he left today to go back home.. and instead of him leaving first and then me leaving, I left first. He hugged me and kissed me goodbye and then said I love you and to "be good". He used to say that when he was leaving on tour for a little bit.

 

So now what do I do? I mean, it's such a different dynamic now.. because before I thought he left because I had done something wrong (Why do we always blame ourselves?) and now that he was being so sweet and TELLING me he loves me and was being intimate.. I just don't know how to feel. How can he be like this but not want to be with me? Or does he want to but feels scared? I just don't know what to think.. should I just not call him and just let the ball be in his court? I know he's going to be gone A LOT touring.. maybe that's part of the reason why he feels it wont work..? Ugh. This whole thing is so hard to deal with.