Relationship Problems: Help!

[Anonymous122]

I'm going to try and make this as short as possible, but it's a pretty severe problem; at least I think it is, living with it every day.

 

I met a woman about 1 year ago, and a handful of months later she moved in with me and I asked her to marry me. Now, our relationship was nearly perfect until she moved in with me; when she moved in, everything went awry and now our life is anything but harmonious. We clash on so many issues that it's becoming nauseating to think about. To put things into perspective, i'm going to name a few of our issues and the reasons why they are problematic.

 

1) I'm very well educated, and still continueing my education. She never finished high school, nor got her GED. I'm currently helping her get her GED, and she tells me that she wants to go to college, but whenever we discuss it, she gets upset or tells me that she doesn't care. None of this bothers me to a severe degree, but I realize that it's a huge problem that poses a large threat to our future. The real problem is that she constantly insults my intelligence, and has no interest in what I have to say. Sometimes she will say absolutely ridiculous things, and I will not only correct her, but show her reference points that prove her wrong, and she just gets more and more angry.

 

2) She is extremely closed minded, as i'm sure you could understand from my above statement. But what's worse is that I am heavily involved in local politics, and I wouldn't be wrong if I said that politics are my primary passion in life. She and I have very different politics beliefs, and I do my best to understand her perspective when she tries to discuss things with me, but she doesn't afford me the same luxury. Sometimes she yells at me and insults me for the things that I believe in, or tells me not to discuss them around her; she's gone as far as to come with me when she knows that i'm going to talk with some like-minded friends, and storm out, effectively humiliating me, when she knew well what was going to be discussed.

 

3) She doesn't want me to have female friends, the idea upsets her to a point that she has actually cried; yet, when I caught her discussing intimate aspects of our relationship with one of her male friends, and yelled at her for it, she thought that I was "way out of line." The double standards are vast, and if I wasn't already bald, I might begin to tear my hair out. She yells at me, gets angry at the drop of a hat, and if she is angry enough, I have to restrain her to prevent her from hitting, slapping, or choking me. Nothing in the world calms her down, she just flies off the handle.

 

4) I constantly do things with her that i'm not interested in, I listen to music that I hate because she likes it, I watch movies that i've either seen a half a dozen times, or simply dislike in order to keep her happy. Yet, when I try to discuss something that's interesting to me, she tells me that she doesn't care; when I put on music that I like, she turns hers up louder; when I put in a movie that I want to see, she gives me dirty looks, complains, or goes to sleep. I'm starting to find myself bored during the majority of my idle time.

 

Now, that's not to say that she's not great otherwise. This is only her about 25% of the time. When she's not in that 25th percentile, she is amazing, and I almost forget about the problems that we have otherwise. But, i'm not sure if I can handle this type of life, because when these things happen now, I walk away and brood for hours. I'm not sure that i'm willing to leave her, I really love her, so what i'm looking for are perhaps new techniques for approaching these situations that may lead to permanent changes of some sort. I've tried everything that I know how to try, so i'm at a breaking point.

[Excalibur]

She's insecure - and your approval of her makes her like herself and being who she is in her place in the world.

 

Your instruction, input, assistance, or anything that is not adoring and gushing adoration and approval is seen as judgement on her for being inferior - and she responds to that.

 

She's insecure....you can't change it.

 

You're not exactly so invested in yourself that you wanted to date her for quite some period of time prior to cohabitation.

 

So you can stay with it as it is -o r end it - but there's not anything you can do to change it.

[beerman]

25% is a big percentage of time. Especially since you are talking about hours that you are awake! : )

 

Appears to me that you moved in too quickly without really knowing each other. The political differences will constantly be a sore subject if you are really in to that. Can you live with that?

 

You two sound like really different types of people. Nothing wrong with that but not all personalities mesh.

 

I know what I would do but ultimately this is your call. Good luck

[RayKay]

Hmm, I have been living with my partner a number of years, and I can't say I would stay with someone where there were this many issues (I felt) 1/4 of the time! We have our own issues of course, but I cannot even give a percentage as they are so minor in the overall picture.

 

She is insecure as pointed out above, but worse is she manifests this in passive aggressiveness that has you reassuring her even when she is acting completely unfairly. She sounds like a child to be honest (dirty looks because she does not like your movie preferences? Come on...)

 

To be quite blunt...I would not stay with someone whom made fun of my intelligence, insulted me or disrespected me in front of family & friends. No matter how insecure they are, or what kind of argument you are, there is NO NO NO excuse for personal attacks.

 

You sound REALLY incompatible to be honest (if you consider her closed minded, etc) and I am not sure why you are with her of if you really believe that the good makes up for a 1/4 of your life being miserable?

 

I am not sure how old you two are, but the only person whom can change onself is well...oneself. She does not sound like she plans on doing any of that in the near future and this passive-aggressive thing works for her (she believes anyway).

 

I don't know...but a year is when things are supposed to still be ROCKING good......things generally get rougher after that honeymoon stage and it seems to be moving in showed how while you may have been passionate together (I think you both moved in as you were in lust with one another and the idea of one another) you really can't "work" together as a couple. Given how much work marriage is....how does that really bode for the future? I mean, you are signing up for the rest of your life here....shouldn't you feel like a team, rather than on opposing sides of the field?

 

 

Edited: WHOA - I just read it over and picked up on the fact you have to RESTRAIN HER FROM HITTING, SLAPPING, ETC during her anger...HELL NO GET THE HELL AWAY FROM HER! That is abuse, I don't care if she is a female, there is NO NO NO reason for her being abusive with you. I don't care if she is pissed, there is NO NO NO reason for her to be abusive. The physical part is all wrapped up with the emotional manipulation. That is NOT love.

 

I cannot tell you what to do, but I guarantee things will become worse if you stay with her, and that you are going to be a shadow of the person you are....

[renaissancewoman101]

People should not be so extremely judgemental about those who are extremely insecure. Sometimes it's hard to imagine life in their shoes. I am very insecure and I would be sorely hurt to see how people would advise those who have SOs who are insecure, that it is their problem and to not stay. Sometimes a bit of understanding is necessary. I do understand the problems with her criticism. Although I am insecure, I do not criticize others. I may criticize myself severely though.

[Mavis VDSande]

Maybe it's time to call it a day. Maybe you moved in too fast... and the truth is, you're realising now that it's not really going to work out? I wouldn't try and change your behaviour to the ends of the earth to maintain your rels if she can't accept parts of you now, and makes you feel this way.

 

Maybe it's not either of you in particular, but that you're not compatible.

[RayKay]

Ren - she is emotionally and physically abusive, out of control with her anger and hurls insults at her partner. I don't care how insecure someone is, there is NO excuse for that.

 

If this was a man trying to choke, hit & slap his female partner, hurling insults at her and calling it "insecure" would you feel the same way? Abusers ARE insecure, they use control as a way to manage their environment and their insecurities. That surely does not make it okay,

 

This is totally unacceptable. If someone loves you they do not insult you, attack you verbally or physically. Believe me, there are things my partner has done at times that ticked me off, but NEVER EVER would I make a move to hurt him verbally or physically. I respect him and love him and would never dream of hurting him.

[Excalibur]

Attempting a relationship with an insecure person is like having a retarded adult partner, or a small child in a partnership.

 

There's nobody to rely on for consistent, intelligent action, goal focus, etc...and there's someone you're constantly having to attend to and dance aroudn the feelings of in order to have a moment's peace.

 

I know....I was just all till I was 33.

 

Talk about miserable - just shoot me...thank goodness someone who didn't care about my feelings, in light of my commitments made and actions - let me know how the cow ate the cabbage.

 

I earned my own respect and trust - living up to commitments I'd made, despite how I "felt"....and i found out that feelings aren't facts, goals, calls to action or tools of cognition but me treating them as those things all those years - made my life a living emotional heck.

[Mavis VDSande]

OK now re-reading your thread I would def call it a day. It's just been a little over 12 months... it's still early days, you can move on...

[renaissancewoman101]

Excalibur, so how did you deal with feelings where you felt like no one cared about you, where you watch how people act around you, react to you, and compare it to an internal scorecard of whether they care about you or not? That is how I see things. Most people who I intereact with, whether friends or not, or potential friends, I compare to an internal scorecard, of how they are with me, day in day out. Constant analysis. Constant evaluation. Even when one is having fun.

[Excalibur]

Excalibur, so how did you deal with feelings where you felt like no one cared about you, I asked myself what actions would show me that I was cared about - and I gave those actions to me. Which meant i spent a great deal less time, energy, money on the neeeds of others, and userous people fell away from me by default. I didn't have to run them off....they simply found other sources.

 

In the meantime, I learned what actions or situations said to me "I'm loved, cared about, safe, secure"......and i created them for myself, with my actions. That is how you teach people how to treat you - how you regard and treat you, allows other people to evaluate your abilities and intelligence. If you're constantly giving what you've got for inclusion, you're a benefits and services providing divesting yourself of everything, to have nothing at all.

 

 

where you watch how people act around you, react to you, and compare it to an internal scorecard of whether they care about you or not? That "comparison on the internal scorecard" is a pattern of thinking.....you can break your pattern of thinking by replacing it with something more healthy.

 

Right now - the comparison you're not making is that how you treat you - is no more healthy, respectful, admiring, or desiring of you, regarding you, because of your character nad intelligence - than the people who's actions you're deseparately reviewing to see "do they care at all about me".

 

So they treat you as you treat you - which is where they learned the standard you require in order to be willing to associate.

 

 

That is how I see things. Most people who I intereact with, whether friends or not, or potential friends, I compare to an internal scorecard, of how they are with me, day in day out. Constant analysis. Constant evaluation. Even when one is having fun. I get that - you're likely looking for guarantees and assurances that no matter what you do, what happens in life, whatever befalls you - that this person, that person, etc. will be there. You want a unilateral and unconditional guarantee of thier involvement for your needs, on your behalf.

 

You'l'l never get it.

 

If you become the person you're so hoping one of them are in yuour view - you won't need them to be anybody but who they are.

 

Your internal war is going outward for resolution - and that is what you're in perpetual conflict and comparison.

 

Feelings aren't facts, goals, calls to action or tools of cognition. Using them as that keeps you rotating in the vortex of emotional hell.

[jraf]

I met a woman about 1 year ago, and a handful of months later she moved in with me

 

she constantly insults my intelligence, and has no interest in what I have to say

 

she yells at me and insults me for the things that I believe in, or tells me not to discuss them around her; she's gone as far as to come with me when she knows that i'm going to talk with some like-minded friends, and storm out, effectively humiliating me, when she knew well what was going to be discussed.

 

3) She doesn't want me to have female friends, the idea upsets her to a point that she has actually cried; yet, when I caught her discussing intimate aspects of our relationship with one of her male friends, and yelled at her for it, she thought that I was "way out of line." The double standards are vast, and if I wasn't already bald, I might begin to tear my hair out. She yells at me, gets angry at the drop of a hat, I have to restrain her to prevent her from hitting, slapping, or choking me. she just flies off the handle.

 

4) I constantly do things with her that i'm not interested in, I listen to music that I hate because she likes it, I watch movies that i've either seen a half a dozen times, or simply dislike in order to keep her happy. Yet, when I try to discuss something that's interesting to me, she tells me that she doesn't care; when I put on music that I like, she turns hers up louder; when I put in a movie that I want to see, she gives me dirty looks, complains, or goes to sleep. I'm starting to find myself bored during the majority of my idle time.

 

Now, that's not to say that she's not great otherwise. I'm not sure that i'm willing to leave her, I really love her, so what i'm looking for are perhaps new techniques for approaching these situations that may lead to permanent changes of some sort. I've tried everything that I know how to try, so i'm at a breaking point.

 

Is the fun part real or imaginary or the sexual relationship?