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I am currently separated from my husband, divorce pending in July. We were only married for 3 months before *mod edit*hit the fan and separated 6 months after the wedding. We haven't had contact since October last year. Our only contact has been via email. He did visit my new place a month after the separation to drop stuff off and I cooked him a brekkie. That was in August, the last time I saw him. Over the following month or two, the email contact became nasty on his side. It then stopped when he called me a * mod edit*and said he will treat me like an adult and talk to me with respect when I can keep my legs closed.


To cut a super long story short, we broke up because I hid my mental illness from him. Depression which has now been diagnosed as bipolar type 2. I had/have serious self esteem issues and tried to bring up several problems with him before we got engaged, before we bought our house, before we got married, after we got married. But he was too preoccupied with World of Warcraft, porn, other online games, programming, anime or general *mod edit*ing around with the computer.


He refused to have sex with me more often than not and when we did it was on his terms only. The way he wants it and with no regard to my needs. I was cutting myself a few times a week and drinking copious amounts of alcohol every night and my only company was the dogs.


One night I started an "online affair" so to speak. A man interstate, an older guy, much older, who would email me a story and we would discuss certain story over msn as if it actually happened. It's really weird to explain how or why but I was quite messed up at the time and the only attention I was recieving was from a guy over twice my age 1000kms away. This went on for a week or two until my husband found the msn conversations.


I explained the situation, that it wasn't real, it didn't physically happen but my husband said it sounded so real he couldn't believe me. So we went to marriage counselling the very next day. Over the following week we held each other and cried, I apologised for doing what I did, he apologised for neglecting me and we were in love all over again. Next minute he would snap and scream at me that he doesn't believe me and we would go through the same thing. I would explain it all from the start, he would apologise, I would apologise and we would be back to rebuilding what we kinda had.


We had the foundations for a spectacular marriage if only he would have listened to me and my problems instead of being too wrapped up in his computer. I could have worked harder at repairing the damage if I wasn't medicated to my eyeballs and self medicating at the same time.


Eventually my husband started taking my mobile phone off me, checking our citilink accoung to see where I have been, checking our internet banking to see where I used my card. He would call all the numbers listed in my phone demandng to know who the person was that answered. He put a key logger on my home PC and monitored all traffic through the linux box to see what I was up to.


I had stopped contact with the guy interstate a long time ago but my husband was still checking up on me and I felt like I was trapped.


He would wake me up in the middle of the night and demand to know details of things that never happened. I had to try to prove that thngs that happened in his dreams didnt happen. One night he woke me up and said goodbye. I saw he had a rope in his hand, tied into a noose. I wrestled him to the ground, all 6'4 140kgs of him and took the rope off him, took it to bed with me and curled up to sleep. I woke a few hours later to find him sitting beside the bed looking at me crying, afraid I would use it on myself.


He moved out for a week or so and I was home alone on annual leave for 4 weeks. I used this time to cry, drink, take drugs and cut myself. He used to drive 60kms to and from his mum's house to our place each night to keep an eye on me. To see if I had any men over. I didn't have any support in our state, all our friends sided wth him and my family was elsewhere. One night I was about to kill myself when my mobile rang. I answered it and it was another man I knew from a social blog, not like this forum or a dating website, an online newspaper blog people used to procrastinate the day away. We would all meet up for drinks once a month. New people were given a phone number of someone attending incase we couldnt fnd the group. This dude had my number. He was from out of town but happened to be in the south east suburbs, he knew thats where I was from and wanted to know if I wouldd like to catch up for a beer. Being on the verge of suicide and desperate for someone to care about me, I invited him over. Biggest mistake ever.


My husband drove past that night, saw a car in the driveway and came busting through the front door. I dont know if he was hoping to find me cheating or not but he screamed abuse at this guy about ruining our marriage and he was calling me a *mod edit*and a dirty *mod edit*so I told him to get the *mod edit*out of my house. He left.


We were supposed to go to Greece together on our honeymoon but that night after he left he told his parents I was cheating on him and they cancelled my ticket. He went with his family and was sent back early. He sent me some sms' from Greece saying he doesnt love me anymore and just wants to kill himseld.


I think he came back early to try and catch me cheating but he didn't. He just found his wife 12kgs lighter, hair falling out, razor blades and blood soaked towels all over the house and a woman who looked about 50 years old, not the 22 year old girl he married.


My dr had tripled my medication in that time but it was not helping. When my husband finally sad, for the last time, are we gonna get through this, I said no. I had given up and couldnt take anymore. I hadnt just given up on my marriage, but I had given up on myself and my life. He wanted to "set me free". So I could experience all the things the world had to offer and he didnt want to tie me down. He wanted babies then and there. I wasnt ready. He spent all his time on work and the computer that I couldnt handle being 24/7 sole carer. He said we would talk again in one year.


I moved out 2 weeks later. Abusive emails were sent and contact stopped October.


I gave him my house, my money, my furniture, everything, in exchange for my dogs.


He wanted to take one of my boys off me but I would never split them. I offered him 50/50 custody of both dogs. He didn't want that.


So I had my two boys, the ones who have kept me alive to this day and are currently snoozing next to me on the lounge. I had to start from scratch. New unit, new furniture, appliances, new friends, new life.


I thought I found my new life. I met a new man who treated me like a queen, listened to my every word and respected me as a woman and as a person. He didn't work out. Too much, too soon, wasn;t right. Too many reasons. I always loved my husband.


I have been single now for 5 months and every night I dream of my husband. Every dream is me begging for a chance to be taken back but each dream is him saying no. Me dealing with his family trying to stop me from gettng to him. Our friends laughing behind my back.


For a while I went through a stage of feeling sick at the thought of him touching me and even feeling sorry for him but all I feel now is a deep emptiness in my heart for him and I would do anything in this world to have him back.


I wrote him an email a couple of weeks ago apologising for all the hurt I caused him but he never replied.


When I was on 10mg Lexapro I couldn't even cry. I am now on 30mg Lexapro plus 1600mg Epilim but all I can do is cry. My chest hurts, my eyes sting and most mornings I wish I won't wake up. I just want my husband back.


*mod edit*do I do?

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I'm afraid there are times when a relationship cannot be repaired. It sounds like you having an affair so early in the marriage was more than your husband could take. You also mention you hid a pretty critical piece of information from him, and that's your mental illness. That's also going to contribute to him feeling betrayed and deceived.


Right now I think focusing on your mental and physical health needs to be your top priority. You sound like you are not in a good place and you need to get stabilized before worrying about relationships and other peripheral items. Are you seeing a counselor? Medication alone isn't really effective. It really sounds like you need some talk therapy to work through these issues.

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It sounds like you two are just not that compatible. If you have some personal issues and he does not want to help you through them I say forget him. He sounds like he is very controlling and does not know how to properly communicate his feelings. I am sorry you are going through this hard time. Just remember there is a lid for every pot. You might not have found yours yet but it is out there. I hope you find happiness.

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he was too preoccupied with World of Warcraft, porn, other online games, programming, anime or general *mod edit*ing around with the computer.


He refused to have sex with me more often than not and when we did it was on his terms only.


And you want him back why? This guy sounds like a walking nightmare. Jesus nice role model for the kids there.


Seriously, you need to take care of yourself and your kids and get healthy and happy again and tell this guy to jump off a cliff. It sounds like he'd be doing the world a favor if he did.


There are a whole lot of nice people out there, trust me.

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thankyou for your advice.


yes I am seeing a psychologist weekly


ayman - I hid the mental ilness from him because his mum is bipolar. He always used to say "it's depressing living with someone with depression" so I didn't feel I could talk to him about it. Turns out he hid something that was very, very important for me to know which affected our relationship but I didn't find this out until after we decided to split up. We both hid things from each other because we were both embarrassed and afraid of the other judging. Not the best basis for a marriage I know.


Iceman - our kids are our dogs, not real kids lol. Thanks

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