Letter to the ex's family...

[Guitarguy_82]

Hey all,

 

This is my first post here and first let me say its been great reading others posts and seeing how other people have dealt with issues. Really a great site.

 

Here is my dilemma.

 

I'm considering sending a letter to my ex's family. Its already written and its basically a thank you letter for being in my life and for being my second family. Its also an apology letter since I treated my ex so badly and through my harsh actions, caused her family anger and some pain. Pain for her and anger towards me.

 

You see she was my first real love (3.5 years) and I cheated on her twice, once before and once after she became my finance, and our relationship ended very badly. Once she got a new boyfriend I was crushed and went insane and tried to win her back but to no avail.

 

I've been trying to reflect more and see why things went so wrong and why I did what I did and have made a conscious effort to try and change my life and not be that horrible person I once was. I was involved in some very bad things while the cheating was going on. I still am having trouble forgiving myself even though my ex said she forgave me. Its been a very draining process for me and at times I've found it almost impossible to try and get through a day without hating myself and longing for her love again.

 

Point is I want to make ammends where I can. I feel I wronged her family by treating her so badly in the past and I want them to know that I am very sorry for that. They meant alot to me and did so much for me and taught me a plethora about family and doing the right thing and its been hard not having them in my life anymore. I live with my family now but my ex's family was the one I preffered to spend my time with.

 

Question is if I should send the letter, or just sit on it for a while, or do nothing at all. I have a good female friend that says I should probably wait on it until I'm in a better place with the ex, but I don't see that happening anytime soon. The ex is already getting married soon and from what she has told me doesn't want anything to do with me anymore and really enjoys mentioning her upcoming wedding to me. I can't really blame her for that. Like I said she says she forgave me but I still get the feeling like she harbors alot of anger and hate towards me. Her brother in law and I were best friends and still hung out even after the break up but the ex doesn't even want me having contact with him let alone the rest of her family. I'm not seeking some rekindled relationship with them or anything grand but I do want them to know how I feel.

 

I could go for pages and pages in detail of what exactly happened between me and the ex and how I treated her and then tried to win her back and the resulting last bits of communication we had but that might take me hours to type out. Not that I'm not willing to explain it out though.

 

The letter is plain and simple and is not an attempt to try and tug at any emotions, re-open any wounds, or cause any additional stress. Its just me saying thank you to them and apologizing for being wrong to her and to them. It also mentions that I still love her and wish happiness for them all and that because I love her I have had to let her go. (At least thats what I'm trying to do)

 

I know that I royally messed up in life, let myself, my ex, her family, and my family down, and that I had to lose the greatest thing I had going for me just to learn this lesson. Its still a learning process of sorts for me. I just want to try and do right by them like they always did for me.

 

Any help or advice would be appreciated y'all.

[hers]

I don't recommend you doing this. You don't owe her family an explanation why you broke up, and if you got along with them well when you were together, then they are already aware of the fact that you cared about them, and you won't need to receive anything from you. If she's already getting married, let her and her family have their peace now and prepare for her wedding with her new partner.

 

If you are intent on sending it still, you should still wait till you're in a better place mentally, not just with your ex. Meaning you are happy for her having moved on and getting married and can admit to that and really mean it. Your ex doesn't want anything to do with you, so you have to remember that when you lose your ex, you lose their family too.

 

My ex has amazing parents, and the dozen times I met and was around them, they treated me more like family than my own parents did. It was really hard having to move on from them as well, and I considered doing the letter thing, but I decided it woudln't be a good idea because they know that he and I did not end well and I didn't want to anger them more, even though I knew they liked me.

 

Like I said, if you are intent on sending it, wait till you can honestly show empathy and happiness for your ex.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Whether you try to or not, it will reopen wounds and it will cause pain.

 

I agree, don't do this.

[Whiplash Girl Child]

Yeah- I agree. Don't do it.

 

Personally, if I were older and had an adult daughter . . . and if her boyfriend and/or fiance cheated on her . . . I would want to spit in his face, and would not even want to hear from him. I wouldn't want an apology. It'd mean jack to me. I'd just want my daughter to get on with her life (sans the cheater).

 

Do you REALLY think they're dying to hear an apology from you? As if that will UNdo what you've done? As if that will make their daughter's pain go away? Wow. You got some set on you.

 

Just leave them all alone.

[Guitarguy_82]

Yeah- I agree. Don't do it.

 

Personally, if I were older and had an adult daughter . . . and if her boyfriend and/or fiance cheated on her . . . I would want to spit in his face, and would not even want to hear from him. I wouldn't want an apology. It'd mean jack to me. I'd just want my daughter to get on with her life (sans the cheater).

 

Do you REALLY think they're dying to hear an apology from you? As if that will UNdo what you've done? As if that will make their daughter's pain go away? Wow. You got some set on you.

 

Just leave them all alone.

 

While I realize that they probably want nothing to do with me either I never set out to try and say that the letter would be this all encompassing miracle that would make things all bright and shiny OR that they were dying to hear from me. I don't want to dwell on the past, believe me. I know that I'm in the position of no control here when it comes to her family or her but I simiply want to do the right thing for them since they meant so much to me.

 

I agree with y'all though. I should just leave it be if anything. I definitely don't want to upset them anymore.