Guilt, fairness, settle or fight

[robert-45]

I was the initiator. I moved out. It was Aug. 2006. I bought a condo behind her back. That was dirty and I'm ashamed of my behavior. I also now have "dumper's remorse" and "revisionist relationship disorder." I'm thinking I shouldn't have been so hasty and should have stayed around and tried to work things out. We have two kids, now ages 11 and 8. She filed for the divorce after I moved into the condo.

 

I agreed to whatever she asked for on temporary support orders because I felt guilty and if I had to go into debt to support two households, so be it. After a year and a half without a settlement because she has stayed in the house, plans to keep it, and refuses to agree to an equalization payment, I needed some relief from the family support I was paying.

 

I have the kids 3/7 of the time. Our incomes are equal now, although she wasn't working when I moved out. Anyway, the court commissioner gave me the relief I sought today. She is fighting me every step of the way. I never should have had to fight so hard to get a fair result.

 

Now, I need to decide if I fight for the equalization payment or walk away from it. She is going to pull the classic, you fight me on the money, I'll fight you on the kids deal. So far, we've kept the kids out of the fight. It's not like I don't need the money, but I do understand it won't be easy for her to pay it and I'm not looking to make her sell the house for the kids' sake.

 

My friends don't like her; they think she's greedy and selfish. They think I should get what I'm due. My lawyer says the choice is mine, fight for another year or so or fold. By the way, I'm a lawyer, too. So is she.

 

Any suggestions?

[just M.E.]

What is an equalization payment?

[Aschleigh]

I suggest you have a sit down with the ex wife and say " What do we need to do to put our children's health first? And then make an agreement to do it.

[robert-45]

What is an equalization payment?

 

So that both parties walk away with an equal share of the marital assets after splitting the equity in the house and the retirement accounts.

[just M.E.]

OK - Colorado now calls theirs an equibable division of marital assets.

It used to have the "up to 50%" phrase but that has been changed, it now reflects more fairly who paid for the assets but still taking into account the benefits of a wife who did not work.

 

Can you and your ex agree to some creative settlement? I'm guessing not, but she will only hurt the kids if she fights you.If you walk away, will you resent having done that?

 

Are you thinking of walking away from the equalization partly because of your feelings of regret?

 

I guess I am being devil's advocate here, maybe because you really have to be the one deciding what you want. I do believe using the kids as a leverage point is very wrong.That makes her that much less of a person to even threaten that.

[robert-45]

OK - Colorado now calls theirs an equibable division of marital assets.

It used to have the "up to 50%" phrase but that has been changed, it now reflects more fairly who paid for the assets but still taking into account the benefits of a wife who did not work.

 

Can you and your ex agree to some creative settlement? I'm guessing not, but she will only hurt the kids if she fights you.If you walk away, will you resent having done that?

 

Are you thinking of walking away from the equalization partly because of your feelings of regret?

 

I guess I am being devil's advocate here, maybe because you really have to be the one deciding what you want. I do believe using the kids as a leverage point is very wrong.That makes her that much less of a person to even threaten that.

 

You've captured my dilemma. I know I'll have to be the one that ultimately decides how to proceed. I welcome hearing your thoughts and others' thoughts. I'd be especially interested in hearing from a somebody who has faced this dilemma before. It seems like it wouldn't be that atypical of a situation, or maybe it is. Meanwhile, I'm still trying to reconcile with her. Perhaps her meanness in the divorce should deter me from that, but she's the kind of person you're a lot better off having on your side than against you. On the other hand, it was probably her dominant ways that led to my decision to leave her. So, as you can see, I'm kind of a mess. A dilemma around every corner.

[confusedmama]

You state you can use the money-but do you need it? Is it what will keep you afloat in the next months/years? IF not, and the house is all that is holding it back (other than your feelings of guilt & remorse over the breakup) why not just let her & YOUR CHILDREN have it -under the stipulation that IF or WHEN she sells it you get 50% of the profit. That way your children have the security of home but if she decides to sell you get your share of the profits. Or you could make it a % of the profits that decreases on a yearly level so that as SHE puts more into the house without your help she has more profit but it would probably keep her from turning around & selling Quickly & you getting nothing.

 

Just a suggestion. But I know I would have gone for it.

[TexasDad]

You state you can use the money-but do you need it? Is it what will keep you afloat in the next months/years? IF not, and the house is all that is holding it back (other than your feelings of guilt & remorse over the breakup) why not just let her & YOUR CHILDREN have it -under the stipulation that IF or WHEN she sells it you get 50% of the profit. That way your children have the security of home but if she decides to sell you get your share of the profits. Or you could make it a % of the profits that decreases on a yearly level so that as SHE puts more into the house without your help she has more profit but it would probably keep her from turning around & selling Quickly & you getting nothing.

 

Just a suggestion. But I know I would have gone for it.

 

 

Fight for what is YOURS and YOUR children's, why wouldn't you? Does she deserve it more than you? Why does she have to have it, to benefit YOUR children? Can YOUR children not benefit from you having it also, to secure their future through YOU?

 

I am not a lawyer nor do I earn a 6 figure salary, I fought my ex for everything incuding custody and I was awarded primary custody in a joint custody arrangement and kept the house after 10 years of marriage...

 

You can secure YOUR kids future just as well as she can, be proactive, stand up and be a DAD. Make her pay you for your half.

[confusedmama]

Actually, in my way of thinking-because he walked away, bought another place behind her back and is now feeling remorse, YES she does deserve the house more than he does. She has been there doing the work, taking care of the kids (not that he isn't with that type of custody agrement) and not trying to keep things as stable as possible for the kids.

 

It doesn't sound as if you are interested in the house, where she may be. Again, I think that if you both want to sell-the profits should be split equally. If not, why not wait and split an agreed % when and if sold.

 

To me-and I am a mom who was/is still fighting $$ with my ex-I know that if he would have been a stand up guy and took me & his anger for me out of the picture and only did what was best for the boys, I would be much more agreeable, friendly and trusting. Granted it would still take a while

[robert-45]

I have the kids 3/7 of the time. I would much rather be in the house than the condo. Actually, I'd reconcile if she was willing to and we could get rid of the condo and pick up where we left off. I have no anger for her anymore. I'm angry at myself. She's still angry at me, though.

[robert-45]

You state you can use the money-but do you need it? Is it what will keep you afloat in the next months/years? IF not, and the house is all that is holding it back (other than your feelings of guilt & remorse over the breakup) why not just let her & YOUR CHILDREN have it -under the stipulation that IF or WHEN she sells it you get 50% of the profit. That way your children have the security of home but if she decides to sell you get your share of the profits. Or you could make it a % of the profits that decreases on a yearly level so that as SHE puts more into the house without your help she has more profit but it would probably keep her from turning around & selling Quickly & you getting nothing.

 

Just a suggestion. But I know I would have gone for it.

 

 

Yes, I need the money. I've gone into debt making overly generous support payments to her. Her bottom line is always very high and I've always agreed to it rather than fight up until last week when we had a contested hearing on support and the support I formerly agreed to was slashed significantly based on our relative financial situations.

[thejigsup]

When the courts see what you did, there's no way your getting primary custody on this planet. Let her keep the house and remind yourself it's for your kids. The deal to split any sale profits with you sounds good, but very few people want to do this if they do not immediately need the money. For your sake, I wish you hadn't gone behind her back. You will not look good in court if she chooses to play the victim.

[robert-45]

When the courts see what you did, there's no way your getting primary custody on this planet. Let her keep the house and remind yourself it's for your kids. The deal to split any sale profits with you sounds good, but very few people want to do this if they do not immediately need the money. For your sake, I wish you hadn't gone behind her back. You will not look good in court if she chooses to play the victim.

 

You're right. What I did was dirty and wrong. I regret it. I've apologized to her and tried to reconcile, but there seems to be no going back. I thought that's what I needed to do at the time.