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Going through the hardest time in my life. I NEED TO TALK TO SOMEONE! :(

kb109

By kb109
in Relationship Advice

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kb109 Enthusiast

kb109

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Well, I think the title pretty much says it all. This past month has been AWFUL. First of all, I snooped today on my boyfriend's MySpace account for the first time in like 7 months. I don't know why. Well, actually I do....you see, my dad completely betrayed my trust and I am still so broken from it. I found out a couple weeks ago that my dad had been having a 5 year affair with some woman. My mom was and still is so hurt. I don't think they are going to get a divorce but my mom is always yelling and unhappy and it is really affecting me. I cry all the time. My boyfriend just got a new job and I worry that he will end up meeting someone else or something. I just really need to talk to SOMEONE and I will fill you in with more details. PLEASE PM me! I need to talk

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kb109 Enthusiast

kb109

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Remember that your bf is not your dad.

 

Does your bf give you reasons NOT to trust him?

 

He used to. He used to talk to his ex girlfriend behind my back and tell her to "block her number in case she goes online and looks at my calls". This was last summer, though. But I still haven't fully gotten over it.

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CallingAllAngels Contributor

CallingAllAngels

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He used to. He used to talk to his ex girlfriend behind my back and tell her to "block her number in case she goes online and looks at my calls". This was last summer, though. But I still haven't fully gotten over it.

 

That's not cool.

 

That's completely disrespecting you.

 

Why are you with a guy like that, and how did you find out he was telling her to do that?

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kb109 Enthusiast

kb109

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Rather than PM someone, why don't you talk your feelings out here...you will get a whole BUNCH of people's opinions rather than just a PM from someone...

 

What did you find on your BF's myspace page? I am assuming it was not good...

 

 

Well, he just started a second job. He is in training and he sent a message to some girl that he works with and was talking about the training which is out of town so my bf, his friend, and this girl have to stay at a hotel which their job is paying for. So he said that him and his friend were trying to work it out and then he gave her his cell phone number!!

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CallingAllAngels Contributor

CallingAllAngels

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Well, he just started a second job. He is in training and he sent a message to some girl that he works with and was talking about the training which is out of town so my bf, his friend, and this girl have to stay at a hotel which their job is paying for. So he said that him and his friend were trying to work it out and then he gave her his cell phone number!!

 

Well, this man has given you NO reason to trust him. I completely understand why you are upset hon.

 

So now what? What can we do to help?

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kb109 Enthusiast

kb109

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Well, this man has given you NO reason to trust him. I completely understand why you are upset hon.

 

So now what? What can we do to help?

 

 

I just don't know what to do! I'm scared to leave him because I don't like change. We have been together for two years and I am already so depressed about my dad, I think breaking up with him now would just add to my pain

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kb109 Enthusiast

kb109

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well, snooping isn't all that bad. Normally we have good reasons to snoop. Like, allie, you felt something was wrong beforehand, right?

 

It's just our intuition.

 

Last year I would always come on this site after I would snoop through my boyfriend's phone and everyone would get really defensive and start yelling at me for it!

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Cognitive_Canine Enthusiast

Cognitive_Canine

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well, it's a touchy subject.

 

If you feel like something is wrong and your partner is withdrawing, the best thing to do is to back off and hope that they come back. However, you have to look out for your own interests.

 

Snooping is something you play by ear. If something smells sour, there is probably a rotten egg somewhere under the furniture. If he gets angry about it, you need to tell them that you were concerned and they gave you no other option. Completely shutting down on a person is just as worse.

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kb109 Enthusiast

kb109

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well, it's a touchy subject.

 

If you feel like something is wrong and your partner is withdrawing, the best thing to do is to back off and hope that they come back. However, you have to look out for your own interests.

 

Snooping is something you play by ear. If something smells sour, there is probably a rotten egg somewhere under the furniture. If he gets angry about it, you need to tell them that you were concerned and they gave you no other option. Completely shutting down on a person is just as worse.

 

 

So do you think I should just stay with him for the time being? I mean I do love the guy, obviously.

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CallingAllAngels Contributor

CallingAllAngels

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have you tried talking to him?

 

If in the face of the truth...if, in what YOU know to be the truth you have, and he has lied, then ONLY you can make that decision. DB and I can't answer that for you.

 

My husband lied in the face of 100% Proof of adultry. Do you think I still loved him? Of course I did.

 

But in the end...I had to make a decision. No one on this board had an answer for me.

 

In the end, it's your call. Because men (and probably women too, don't wanna be sexist) will have their cake and eat it too if you let them.

 

Good luck to you.

 

~Allie

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Crazyaboutdogs Proficient

Crazyaboutdogs

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my dad completely betrayed my trust

 

Your dad did not betray YOU, he betrayed your mother. You are disappointed that your dad did something like this...you are disappointed in his character that is understandable...however, he cheated on his wife, not on you.

 

As for your boyfriend...what happened in the past is in the past. There is absolutely nothing wrong with him giving his cell phone number to a work colleague if they are going to the same out of town training session...that does not mean hanky panky will happen if he doesn't want it too happen. If you don't trust your boyfriend then you should break up with him...but it is perfectly reasonable for him to have work-related conversations with a colleague and even to discuss the hotel arrangements of this business trip. That is life...work colleagues of the opposite sex are always going to conferences and business things together, sometimes out of town and it is nothing more than business. You are allowing what happened with your father and mother to cloud the issues with you and your boyfriend. If he is indeed untrustworthy then you should not stick around just because the breakup timing is bad for you. It is never a good time to break up but sometimes that's just the way it goes.

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jraf Newbie

jraf

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Let's separate some of the pieces here:

 

Boyfriend:

a) in the past, he continued having secretive conversations with his ex while with you and you still haven't gotten over it.

b) he is now having conversations with a female co-worker with whom he will be travelling and spending the night away from home on work related business.

 

Why have you not gotten over a)? Is it still happening? If so, why are you putting up with it? If it's not happening why are you not over it? This issue needs to be resolved one way or another.

 

As was said before; co-workers often travel away from home for business reasons and they are not always of the same sex. While travelling on business, they typically eat together, work together and even socialize together. This doesn't mean they are having affairs with each other. Until you've resolved the first issue, this will be a problem for you.

 

Father:

I'm sorry to hear of your father's separation from the family. I've never had the experience, but I'm sure it's a blow. You will likely never know the details of the "real" relationship between your father and your mother or the reasons your father did what he did. This incident is also heightening your sense of mistrust with your boyfriend, especially since you've never resolved the first issue regarding his ex-gf.

 

Change:

You say you don't like change. This is a toughie and will be. Change happens. Sometimes we instigate the change ourselves because the change is a good thing. Sometimes change happens for reasons over which we have absolutely no control. We may not like it, but there is little we can do other than accept and move on or just let it bother us. Regardless of the motivation, change will happen in your life and that you need to find a way with which to cope.

 

Now for something new:

Maybe now is not a good time for you to be attached to a boyfriend. You have fear and suspicion but choose not to deal with it in a productive manner (ie you don't seem to resolve issues and allow yourself to move on)

Given your father's recent actions, your confidence in the male variety of the species has likely slipped a bit which may prevent you from being in a positive relationship.

 

Change can be good.

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