Does she even care? Do I?

[akatoro]

Hey there.

Once again I come to ask of your advice. I'll try to make this a short note.

Please give any advice that you feel like sharing and don't just wait this thread out

 

In short:

My ex broke up with me some five or six weeks ago. She claimed that she needed time for herself. I guess I "demand" quite a bit of attention, so I can understand that she felt that way. We agreed to both be friends.

But no more than four days afterwards she began spending time with a classmate of hers (also a woman) and in her dormatory. Two weeks ago I found out that she was going to a prom with some guy from that dormatory. The ticket sells for around 1000SEK (Around $120). It's quite a bit to spend with someone she claimed to only be friends with and who she has only known for such a short period of time (when he asked her our they had known eachother, in my knowledge, for five days. I guess it's all good that she can enjoy herself, but it does seem that she's been at that dorm only to spend time with that guy.

 

She brought me a goldfish as a late birthday present last week. She forgot my birthday eventhough I hinted of it some three days prior to it. Anyways, when she got here we got to some talking. Only as friends. She also said that two guys from that dorm were so friendly and really funny. She has mentioned those two when we were a couple as well and I could tell from her expression and voice that she really enjoys their company.. All good and well, I suppose. But I'm guessing that it's one of those two guys that she's going with - leading me into thinking that she found someone better than me and thus dumped me. She also said that she spent so much time with her female friend because "She was tired of being alone" --- The very contradiction of the reason that she used to break up with me.

 

I had surgery yesterday and I'm eating painkillers because it hurts very much. The night before she told me via the Icq that she would think of me. But she hasn't even called to see how I am doing; something that makes me feel very "overlooked".

 

So I do not really know whether or not I should/can keep a friendly relationship with her. She lied to me before the breakup securing me in the belief that she still loved me very much. (I was jealous because she spent more time with her buddies than she did with me. A good reason in my humble opinion. She didn't even have the time to call me or talk to me via Icq.. Anyways, I sought help for the jealousy the day after. If the jealousy was what made the cup overflow, it was a crappy reason since I sought help for it and then she would have abandones me). So I don't know what to make of this current situation. It wouldn't surprise me if she fancies that other guy. And if she does, I guess I can't argue. Emotions are not anything that you can control.. But I don't know if I want, or can afford, a friend who lies to me.

 

Please give me some advice on what to do. Part of me wants to end this here and move on, but another part of me wants to have her in my life still..

[avman]

Its so hard to be friends with your ex when you haven't healed completely from the breakup.

 

Remember, she's not your girlfriend anymore. She isn't going to do all those nice things she used to do when you two were a couple.

 

If you spend all of your time analyzing her instead of just being her friend its going to drive you crazy. Can you let go of your feelings for her enough to just be her friend? Or will that not be enough for you. She won't like it if you start getting jealous, or questioning her new relationships, or expecting more from her than she is willing to give.

 

You might want to take a break from her for awhile until you are a little stronger. Take some time for yourself and don't worry about what she is doing with her life. Then when you are ready, maybe you two can be friends again.

[akatoro]

I don't really think of her as a girlfriend now and I am uncertain whether or not I think of her as a friend as well. Being "just" friends after something so serious is like nothing. And I doubt that I could ever become one of those friends who she can go to proms with. It sort of feels like I have no place, she's only keeping me as a friend because she feels guilty for breaking it up. It would still be nice to get a call and just see that she cares atleast a little. We were even talking about going skiing up in the mountains not long before she abruptly broke up with me. I just don't understand this situation as much as I would like to.

 

I don't know.. But what is wrong with giving your ex a call if you know he/she has had surgery? It's just polite to do so. I don't expect her to come crying by my side and bandage me. Just a 'Hello, how are you doing' would suffice. And I'm not really jealous now. I understand that feelings are uncontrollable and that if she has met another guy.. It's her wish. She deserves to be happy. But after promising me so much and now just freezing me out; I guess I feel overlooked and like an "acceptable loss" to her.

[avman]

I understand what you are saying. Maybe you should have a talk with her and see what she is comfortable with. You might mention you were hurt that she didn't call you after your surgery. That could give you an idea whether she is willing to be friends at the level you want her too.

 

Its not an easy situation. It must be very rough to be in both physical pain and emotional pain right now. I hope for speedy healing for you BOTH physically and emotionally.

[akatoro]

What a surprise, hehe.

Just now she sent me an SMS saying, "Hey, how did it go? *worried*".

 

Why am I having such wicked thoughts? Am I just looking for reasons to end our friendship? Could it be a defense-mechanism that I subconsciously rack down on her just because I want a reason, being too cowardly to just take things by the horns, and end it myself?

---- Could it really be that she doesn't want to call me? A phone call is really more personal. Is it that she is seeking even more distance?

 

Now I'm even more confused.

It was nice of her to sms me.. Eventhough I'd rather would have had a phone conversation.

 

How should I react?

*REALLY confused*

[avman]

And just when you had given up hope - she checks up on you.

 

I think you should react as any friend would. Thank her for checking up on you and let her know how you are doing. Don't read too much into the SMS. Just be happy she cares!

[kuhl282000]

Avman was right on !!!!!!!

 

Good Luck Kuhl

[akatoro]

The only reason she sent me that SMS was probably, and very likely, only because I entered a game that we both play and when she saw me, she suddenly remembered that I exist again.

--- Just like when we were together. She'd ignore me till I entered the game and then she'd answer my Icq message.. And the game doesn't make you so busy that you cannot stop for two seconds to read/answer/send a reply.

[Cid]

you know what I would have to say diffrent I have a roomate that all he douse is play his computer and when he starts a game he will forget every thing ealse. So she might be like him but I dont think so. One thing that you must ask your self do you want to be her friend?