Mom is still communicating with my ex

[Gracelove]

So wrong. This man cheated on me weekly during our relationship, asked me to marry him, then broke up with me in an e-mail.

 

Why in the world is my mother still talking to him? And why is she calling him "son" and he calilng her "mom" (behind my back).

 

This is so disturbing. I feel depressed now. That is so not right, she has no sense of loyalty.

 

This man dumped me, and never spoke to me again. And they are e-mailing each other back and forth?! I feel betrayed!

[Cognitive_Canine]

You need to confront your mother! Not exceptable. Completely disrespecting you and your business! Even if they liked each other while you were on good terms, your mother should be supporting you.

[Gracelove]

Thanks Debaser_wolf !

 

I really appreciate that. I did confront her, she says she's going to communicate with him anyway.

 

It just made me feel so sad, because he hurt me so badly. Aside from that my mom knows I have issues with trust, and her doing that just really makes me feel bad (and I was having such a good day).

[Cognitive_Canine]

how did you confront her?

 

Did you tell her how utterly blind to your feelings this was?

 

Also, tell her that it's pretty immature to pull such things behind her own daughters back.

 

Son? Yeah, that's cool....

[Gracelove]

I told her that she was in trouble, because she was e-mailing my ex. And she just laughed.

 

And then I called her a traitor. And she said, "well, I like him. I'm not a traitor." And then I said, "yes you are, you have no sense of loyalty". And she just walked away.

[whateverrrrr]

This may be insensitive but is your mother good looking.

[Gracelove]

Ya, my mom is pretty. But she's also 65!

[whateverrrrr]

Well I think we can rule that out then.

[Cognitive_Canine]

do you not have a good relationship with your mother?

[Gracelove]

No, my mother and I don't have the best relationship. I mean we love each other, but our relationship is far from dandy.

[Gracelove]

Well I think we can rule that out then.

 

LOL!!!! Let's hope so.

[Cognitive_Canine]

wow, your mom has some growing up to do. Sounds like she needs her own life...

[Gracelove]

wow, your mom has some growing up to do. Sounds like she needs her own life...

 

I guess, I just don't know why she is still talking to him. And her in her e-mail she said, "I still consider you as a son".

 

What is that?

 

And then he's like "love you mom!"

 

I mean, c'mon. And she doesn't even care about the fact that my feelings are reallly hurt right now.

[Sophie84]

That is ridiculously inappropriate, your mom should absolutely put her own daughter at a higher level of priority than a fake son, especially one who has treated her daughter badly. Has she ever done something like this before? Is it a pattern or just out of the blue?

 

Maybe you confronted her too casually...saying "you're in trouble" sounds a little like you're joking. Have a sit-down talk with her and make sure she knows how much her actions are hurting you. I hope for your sake she stops this immature behavior!

[Gracelove]

That is ridiculously inappropriate, your mom should absolutely put her own daughter at a higher level of priority than a fake son, especially one who has treated her daughter badly. Has she ever done something like this before? Is it a pattern or just out of the blue?

 

Maybe you confronted her too casually...saying "you're in trouble" sounds a little like you're joking. Have a sit-down talk with her and make sure she knows how much her actions are hurting you. I hope for your sake she stops this immature behavior!

 

I agree.

 

I told her that she is a 65 year old woman, and he is my despised ex and that there is no reason for the two of them to be talking.

 

I think that maybe she understands how upset I am, but I bet she'll still talk to him (she didn't say she would stop).

 

She has done this once before, talking to an ex after a break up. But it wasn't like this, at least I don't think so. And I'm pretty sure it wasn't this long ago. We broke up almost a year ago! That's a long to to keep up communication.

 

I don't know. It sucks.

[stella74]

Grace, this sounds horrible. Your mother is blatantly disrespecting your feelings. What, if anything, has helped in the past to get her to be more empathetic to you?

[Gracelove]

Grace, this sounds horrible. Your mother is blatantly disrespecting your feelings. What, if anything, has helped in the past to get her to be more empathetic to you?

 

Nothing.

 

Well.....maybe if another adult suggests something to her. Like if she shares her opinion with another adult (one of her friends), and they express that they disagree.

 

Then she might consider changing.

 

I even had a therapist ask me why my mother doesn't like me. Then another one said she's "bitter".

 

I don't know.

 

It's just what she does.

[stella74]

Grace, first off - congratulations on reaching Platinum!

 

Your mother is bitter and disrespectful. Not a good combo.

 

Whatever she is feeling and doing is not about you. It shows her lack of responsibility as a mother for the emotional well being of her child. My mother is somewhat similar. It's taken me a long time to forgive her. To be honest, there were times when I was younger when I didn't know how to deal with her and I felt my self-esteem was suffering by being in contact with her, so I had to separate from her. She didn't like it, of course, but it helped in the long run. I was estranged from her for a few years. I'm not suggesting you take that extreme measure. I just wanted to let you know I understand how difficult and painful your experience is.

 

If your mother will listen to another adult, is there another adult you can talk to about this who can then talk to your mother? A relative? An older friend? A counselor?

[Gracelove]

Hey There!!!

 

Thanks so much! I didn't even know I reached Platinum!!! I've been having a bad day, so that brings me happiness.

 

The response I wrote you got deleted.

 

Anywho, thanks for sharing your story with me. It really hurts when you have a mother who treats you that way.

 

My mother has met with 2 of my therapists. She didn't like them. She didn't like them diagnosing me with disorders, and she didn't like them "encouraging" me to take medicine. She doesn't think that what they say matters because she doesn't think they are "Christian".

 

So that about sums that up.

 

Everything is my fault. If I tell her how I'm feeling, that what she does hurts me. She says I'm "interpreting it wrong". She doesn't say sorry, she just says that I just take things the wrong way.

 

It's hard to deal with.

 

Thanks for all of the love and support! I really appreciate it.

 

 

 

[stella74]

Wow, it's like you're doing everything you can do to get healthy and she finds reasons to disapprove! Grace, I think there may be a strong possibility that she is sabotaging your recovery. I don't think it's intentional. Sometimes bitter parents can't bear to see a child more happy or successful. I know this doesn't take care of your immediate problem, but maybe it will help you to understand the dynamics going on here a little better.

 

You can't control her behavior. You can't make her stop talking to your ex. All you can do is try to communicate - either directly or through a third party such as another adult or counselor - how you feel and why. It won't help to get angry at her. Have you ever thought that maybe she's trying to provoke you into getting angry?

 

I'm really sorry you're going through this. Hang in there!

[Gracelove]

Thanks Stella!

 

My dad just said that my mom has a right to talk to my ex, because he became attached to them while we were together.

 

Can you believe that?!

 

I don't go around chatting it up with the families of my exes.

 

I feel like I can't win. Neither of them care about my feelings. It's so upsetting.

[stella74]

WTH?? This is crazymaking behavior. Wow.

 

There is a difference between an ex having contact with the parent (which I've done...for example, I've had professional contact with my ex's mother, but not very frequently), and having the parent behave toward the ex as if he or she is a surrogate child. I could see parents wanting a relationship with an ex if the ex was a parent to their grandchild and the breakup was amicable. But that doesn't apply to your situation.

 

You've told your parents you feel hurt and they are not hearing you. They are either choosing not to hear you or they are unable to really hear your pain. I recall you've had experiences with them in the past where they weren't able to hear the full extent of your hurt. So it's good you've come here. What has your therapist suggested in the past? Have you brainstormed options on how to deal with your mother and father?

[Gracelove]

You are so right. I can never seem to make them understand how I feel.

 

In the past my one of my therapists suggested that a keep a record of my mother's behavior on a calendar.

 

Because she used to do really bad things, and then be nice. And I used to get all hopeful and think that maybe we'd have a good relationship. Then she'd be really mean again.

 

I guess my therapist wanted me to see the turnover cycle.

 

She would apologize to me for things that my mother would say and do, but that's about it.

 

Or she would tell me that certain things my mother said were untrue. And ask me how it made me feel to hear her say those things.

 

I am so grateful for enotalone, it helps me out so very much. It allows me to vent and gives me people to talk to.

 

My friends are so unused to hearing me unhappy, that if they do, it makes them feel uncomfortable.

 

I really try to have a good relationship with my parents. But it never seems to really work in my favor.

 

I want to move out, but I'm having difficulty believing in myself.

 

My mom always tells me that I'm alone too much. That I'm a loner, that I don't socialize enough.

 

I mean, it makes me feel badly about myself.

 

I have friends, now-a-days I don't hang out with them much but I keep in touch.

 

When she says that she makes me feel so self-conscious. It doesn't encourage me.

She makes me feel like something is wrong with me.

 

I mean there are some things I have to learn to become comfortable with again.

 

She constantly critizes me, and sometimes it's hard to imagine that others don't feel the same way.

 

If your own mother thinks so negatively of you, then why wouldn't others?

[stella74]

I hear you sweetie. You are doing your best. There are a lot of people here, including me, who think very highly of you and care about you and your feelings. You've been through a lot. (hugs)

 

I like the calendar idea. Try that again. Another idea that has worked for me is to write a letter and then tear it up. I say everything without worrying about a reaction. Tearing the letter up is a ritual that enables me to let go of what I'm feeling.

 

I suggest you see your therapist to focus on rebuilding your confidence in order to move out. It's not healthy right now for you to be living with your parents. Don't rush anything. Just focus on taking small steps in that direction. Keep posting here so we can support you. I've seen how happy you can get when you're feeling good about yourself.

[Gracelove]

I hear you sweetie. You are doing your best. There are a lot of people here, including me, who think very highly of you and care about you and your feelings. You've been through a lot. (hugs)

 

I like the calendar idea. Try that again. Another idea that has worked for me is to write a letter and then tear it up. I say everything without worrying about a reaction. Tearing the letter up is a ritual that enables me to let go of what I'm feeling.

 

I suggest you see your therapist to focus on rebuilding your confidence in order to move out. It's not healthy right now for you to be living with your parents. Don't rush anything. Just focus on taking small steps in that direction. Keep posting here so we can support you. I've seen how happy you can get when you're feeling good about yourself.

 

Awww! Thanks Stella! That's so sweet!!!

 

I didn't try the calendar thing the first time. I thought it would make me more depressed than I already was at the time.

 

You're right, I know I really feel it's best for me to move out. I just have to find the confidence to do so.

 

I should try the letter thing. That's a good idea. I've never tried it in regards to my parents before.

 

Thanks so much for all of your encouragement!

 

*HUGS*

 

~Grace