How do I get passed this?

[AK823]

Hi everyone,

 

My boyfriend and I have been together since last May so 11 months now. Nobody knows because we work in the same store together and he is older. I'm 18 and he is 27. The age gap never really affected our relationship until now. We work so well together and are in love. But I found out last week that he cheated on me in November-December. It was with another girl in the store. She told me because she knew I had feelings for him, but she doesn't know we have been together all this time. In my boyfriend's defense, it was because she was older (23) and he thought he wanted to be with someone closer to his own age but he says the experience made him realize that in spite of his and my differences he wanted to be with me. He told me things continued with her for a couple weeks because he was afarid of her telling someone in the store and having it come back to me. it sounds horrible but he says he kept things going with her to protect me and us. It's been over for 5 months now so I decided to give him a chance and not break up. But for the entire week I have had the knots, twisted, feeling in my chest that everyone describes. That feelings is real. It hasn't gone away, and I can hardly eat.

 

I first told him I wanted her to know everything and he said ok. Now that we've decided to try to work this out he is making excuses to not tell her. He thinks that if she knows EVERYTHING she will tell everyone in the store and we will both be forced to quit. (He works between two stores so he is only there one day a week now.) I don't think I can live without her knowing. He says I don't KNOW that I'm going to feel better if he tells her but I feel like it's the only way to truly save us.

 

I don't even think this girl would tell everyone in the store, to be honest. But if he won't tell her I don't think I can stay. Are my feelings legitimate?

What I most want to say to him is "if you truly loves me and want to stay with me you have to tell her. If you don't I will end things and tell her myself." I just cannot bear her not knowing. Is this a bad thing to say to him? Is it unfair? He thinks it will make things worse. I just can't live with hiding it from her.

 

Thank you all for helping me out. Just to clarify if it wasn't clear, I DO want to fix things badly.

[EQD]

break up with him. tell her that you two were together when they were screwing. the end. the fact that it wasnt a one time thing, and the fact that your relationship is a secret for whatever reason is a big red flag. also that she came forward with the truth and not him. To me that shows a huge lack in integrity. He could be cheating on you right now and you not even know about it. and why wouldnt he? He's already gotten away with it once and you still keep him around, he has no reason to stop now.

[richmonder80]

break up with him. tell her that you two were together when they were screwing. the end. the fact that it wasnt a one time thing, and the fact that your relationship is a secret for whatever reason is a big red flag. also that she came forward with the truth and not him. To me that shows a huge lack in integrity. He could be cheating on you right now and you not even know about it. and why wouldnt he? He's already gotten away with it once and you still keep him around, he has no reason to stop now.

 

This is right.

[EQD]

OH....i see. this is the same guy who faultered in november (coincidentally when he was cheating on you) who has a kid and IS YOUR BOSS. no wonder why its a secret. and to me it looks like a manager having sex with his employees is a bit against the rules dont you think??

[Antimonic]

This is right.

 

i aggree aswell

[Maya_A]

break up with him. tell her that you two were together when they were screwing. the end. the fact that it wasnt a one time thing, and the fact that your relationship is a secret for whatever reason is a big red flag. also that she came forward with the truth and not him. To me that shows a huge lack in integrity. He could be cheating on you right now and you not even know about it. and why wouldnt he? He's already gotten away with it once and you still keep him around, he has no reason to stop now.

^^^

Absolutely agree.

[swansong]

He doesn't love you. He's taking advantage of you. He is an older guy taking advantage of a young girl with the old 'we can't tell anyone because we work together' routine. I wouldn't be surprised how many other girls in the store are also his 'girlfriend'.

[Excalibur]

YOu're too life inexperienced to see this for what it is but....

 

First, there is likely a reality he'd get fired from his job if he admitted to dating or sleeping with you. He's likely in a position of authority or supervision over you, and that would get him fired for "dating employees".

 

He's 27, and this is his income...you're 18, and this is your pocket money.

 

Second....you are the side action...not this other girl. You're 18, you're likely not living independently, and you're limited in whre you can go and what you can do. Not just by parents...but by law, you're not able to get into clubs, and tehre are plenty of other places you'd be refused entry that he goes.

 

So he can easily date without ever having to deceive you...while you sit around doing nothing but work, go to high school, and think about him in your downtime hours.

 

The girl that told you about them sleeping together...she's older than you and she realizes that if he sleeps with people he works with and then dump them, or if she went out on a formal date with him and from her more experienced position in life she realizes "he's a jerk"...she's just telilng you what went on, not to make you jealous, or to snitch on him...but to you let you know that you've got a 'crush" on a jerk....and you can stop fantasizing about him, and find someone worth of you.

 

She has no idea she's ratted him out, or that you're involved with him already.

 

You wanting HIM to tell her - there's your immaturity screaming "I think he's my daddy".

 

You consult him about what to do at work, and about "you two"...andhe's just tellingyou don't tell anybody, because it would not work for me.

 

Sure it owuldn't work..he might get fired, he could get sued if you wereunderage 11 months ago, he could find himself behind bars for statutory rape if that's the ccase as well.

 

He's telling you to keep it quiet....becuase he doesn't have a girlfriend.

He's doing an 18 year old he works with, he's got plenty of other action on the side.

[Applewhite]

I agree with all the posters except Excalibur, who is highly unnecessary. Read his other posts and you will see what I mean surely... Girl I'm sorry to say but this man is lying. It's clear as day, I'm sorry.

[Pettle]

Time to move on sweetie! Your better then that.... him

[Excalibur]

FYI - Excalibur is a "she" - not a he.

[jraf]

I agree with all the posters except Excalibur, who is highly unnecessary. Read his other posts and you will see what I mean surely... Girl I'm sorry to say but this man is lying. It's clear as day, I'm sorry.

 

I'm going to agree with hike14 since hike's post covered Excalibur as well.

 

When I read through the whole thread, and get to EQUESTRIANDYNAMO's post here:

 

OH....i see. this is the same guy who faultered in november (coincidentally when he was cheating on you) who has a kid and IS YOUR BOSS. no wonder why its a secret. and to me it looks like a manager having sex with his employees is a bit against the rules dont you think??

 

I get a bit confused because I can't figure out what this is responding to (seems as though there is a missing post somewhere?)

 

Is this guy who you thought was your guy also your work supervisor and he is married?

 

If this is correct, he could try to cause some work related difficulty for you.

 

So after you tell him to f-off off let him know, straight up, that if he harasses you in any manner that you will have no difficulty in reporting his conduct to his manager and the HR department. [To be honest, I'd actually advise you to do this anyway. He shouldn't be doing this to you or any employee and the fact that you were a minor at the time the situation was initiated makes in much more serious than supervisor/subordinate transgression. He clearly is a repeat offender and shouldn't be supervising anyone since he can't even supervise himself]