Bestowing Birthday Wishes on a Recent Ex: Yay or Nay?

[Brokenhearted87]

So the situation now is, in short, I'm keeping my distance. I really feel embarrassed and like I compromised myself with all the crying and pleading I did the first week and a half. It is exactly 2 weeks today since my first love broke up with me. We are not on bad terms (as some of you may know he gave his reason for ending it as "nothing to do with you, or us, we were great, it's just me, my head is messed up and I need to sort out my problems myself"....his dad was killed a few months ago and well, I think he is only realising and grieving now). Hurtful as this was (I of course wanted to be there for him), I finally realised I'm only running myself into the ground and making him see me in a less than flattering light with my (rather hysterical) behaviour. Though I found a great deal of solace in a post I read here last night about how, when it boils down to it, my actions have stemmed from pure,unadulterated love for him! So I'm trying not to feel too bad about the past two weeks. As the situation stands, I'm trying to keep very LC. Haven't been in touch since Thursday afternoon when I told him I would send him his birthday parcel. I sent it yesterday and it should reach him on Monday, even though his birthday is tomorrow. So, jeez, I digressed a bit there! Sorry! Basic question is this, if I'm trying to give him space and, as much as possible, really don't want to be the one initiating contact as thus far it has ALL been me and that makes me feel crappy, should I text him tomorrow for his bday? It hurts cos I was supposed to be at the big family/friends dinner tonight/tomorrow (not sure when it is now) and he is of course on my mind this weekend. If I do, just a simple "Happy Birthday" and nothing else? Or does silence speak louder than anything? I don't want to hurt him either way.

[browneyedgirl36]

Since you already sent him a birthday package, I'd say no, don't contact him further. The package will let him know you're thinking of him on his birthday.

 

Don't be too hard on yourself about the begging, pleading, etc. right after the breakup. As someone posted on another thread, that's all part of the process of grief. Denial ('This can't be happening!') and bargaining ('Please don't leave me! I can fix this!') are the first two steps. You'll eventually go through the others -- anger, depression, and acceptance -- as well. Be kind to yourself. Don't beat yourself up for what you did or said when you were hurting and wanting to hold on. We've all done it.

 

I'd say, in the interest of giving him space, that the package is enough. He knows you're thinking of him.

[CallingAllAngels]

I think you have done enough.

 

Back off and give him his space.

 

Sorry that you're suffering so much.

 

My best...

 

~Allie

[Brokenhearted87]

Thanks for the reply. Yeah, I've been debating it over and over in my head! Isn't it mad how something so simple, like a birthday text you wouldn't think twice about sending to a friend or under different circumstances, becomes something completely disproportionate! I don't want to come accross as a callous meanie, but then, I also think "Hey, look at it this way,you didn't want to share your birthday with me"

[Litgirl01]

I remember how I felt when I broke up with a man that I dated for 4.5 years (I guess you can call him my ex ex). Anything he did besides not contact me made me sick to my stomach! He sent a large bouquet of flowers to me at work and I put them in the teachers lounge...I didn't want to even look at them. He did a lot of mean things to me when we were together...so that might have something to do with it.

[Vulcan800]

I wouldn't send a text at all if you sent him a package thats enough more than enough and if he is any sort of intelligent guy he will know. No need to to OVERKILL here. So just leave it at that.

[Brokenhearted87]

Hey Litgirl. Yeah, well, as such, there's no bad blood between us. I had bought him all that stuff for his bday prior to his breaking up with me. I still want him to have it. It was bought with a good heart and I am very much still in love with him. It's not an attempt to win him back. If we get back together, it won't be because I bought his ass!! It will be because time has passed and his problems have been dealt with. Man, I'm regretting sending the package now.

[Brokenhearted87]

Thanks Vulcan.

[Weeblie]

I hardly think you'll come accross as a meanie because you've sent him a present. I know he's going through some tough times, but if he wants to lean on you, I'm sure he knows how to find you.

 

So give him some space and give yourself some time to take care of yourself. All this worry isn't really much help for you or him.

[Brokenhearted87]

Haha, oh Weeblie.. compared to how i WAS....I am doing verrry well! I'm leaving him to it! It was just the bad timing of the birthday left me thinking "crap, I don't want to come off the bad guy for not wishing him one"

[Litgirl01]

Hey Litgirl. Yeah, well, as such, there's no bad blood between us. I had bought him all that stuff for his bday prior to his breaking up with me. I still want him to have it. It was bought with a good heart and I am very much still in love with him. It's not an attempt to win him back. If we get back together, it won't be because I bought his ass!! It will be because time has passed and his problems have been dealt with. Man, I'm regretting sending the package now.

 

Don't regret it!!! He may think it's the best gesture ever! And, if he doesn't, oh well...it was very nice of you!

[npc24]

my ex broke up with me days before his bday.

i had spent 3000 dollars on stuff for him, mostly sweet stuff and the expensive concert tix.

i made him take it all, it was very sentimental. in particular a bear that was an inside joke and my voice said "if there ever comes a day when i cant tell you i love you, this bear will do it for me"

Ironic huh

[npc24]

i often wonder if he kept it.

i know he loved it, i heard from a friend.

or the pictures of us he had all over the place. i had to put the stuff from him in a box.

[Brokenhearted87]

OMG npc! I gave him a bear with a private joke sewn onto its jumper too!!! I had also made a mix cd of songs that we shared etc, a book on screenwriting because he is pursuing that at the moment, pre-ordered a game he's been waiting for for him, and some other sentimental things too. I would love to be able to see him as he opens it all (forgot to bug the package haha). Well it's his bday today. I'm going to take everyone's advice here and not text him. He will hopefully get the package tomorrow. I just think that he's going to think I'm a &£*$() for not wishing him a happy birthday.

[Litgirl01]

You two are so romantic!!! LOL Let us know how it goes broken!

[SRufus]

From my point of view.......and my b'day coming up..........yeah, i wouldn't mind a text or something from either of my exes. It would be nice. Not sure if I would appreciate a phone call though.

[npc24]

srufus, you dumped? a text is so easy to get past, and seems to convoluded, do you think that call, a voicemail might convey "hey im confident enough to call you and leave you a message for your birthday.

i know im not over my ex and my Bday is in 2 weeks. I expect nothing from him, but his is in June and i wanted to wish him a happy bday, but i wanted to call and just say "hey whats up, woke up today and wanted to wish you a happy birthday, i hope its good, hope you have a nice day and great night."

would that creep a dumper out?

[Brokenhearted87]

Well I'm pretty sure I've sabotaged any hope of future reconciliations after yesterday ugh I am an iddddddddddiot. Started off with a simple happy birthday message, basic enough. I get back "Thanks (my name)" OMG that KILLED me. I've gone from sweet pet names and kisses in a text to THE most formal, off hand response. I could have been ANYONE. I dunno why, but it flipped a switch. I wrote back that I was sorry to have texted, but I had thought it would be rude not to. He said "I'd be sad to think you wouldn't text me on my birthday! But thank you" Cue me sending a big, awful, self sympathetic text, which was also quite angry towards him. No response obviously. I'm actually really worried that he's going to throw my package in the bin now. WHY did I break? I feel sooooo awful now. I'm just mad at him cos of this friends BS and then never hearing from him. It's like, oh, that was convenient for you to say wasn't it? I feel like I'm never going to succeed at NC/LC. And I'm DEFINITELY not going to hear from him again now. What is crazy is that our actual break up wasn't too bad, there was a lot of hope still in its aftermath. I feel like though, with my behaviour over the last two weeks since it happened, I've made it turn sour and cast myself in a bad light. This is my first break up experience and I guess as such it is unchartered territory and I've dealt with it VERY badly. I have let my emotions get the better of me every time I'm angry/sad/completely lost and let him know in no uncertain terms how I'm feeling. Ugh. I have only myself to blame.

[npc24]

TWO WORDS

 

BACK OFF

 

YOU ARE DRIVING HIM TO THE BRINK, trust me i did it.

you sent a gift and couldnt just wait, STOP

[NorthDallas40]

I sent my ex a couple of mix CDs for her birthday in early February. They arrived 2 days before her b-day, and she called me. We had an awkward convo about how I needed a real relationship or NC, and it ended with her getting upset, hanging up, and texting me that she hoped I found someone who deserved me. I sent a somewhat reconciliatory email that night, and the next day she put me in her top friends on Myspace. However, after our uncomfortable talk and the fact that I had sent her a gift already, I didn't feel the need to call her on her birthday. So in response, she drunk-called me at 4am my time, complaining that I hadn't done "anything" for her birthday. This pissed me off, I unfriended her, and sent her a nasty email telling her to grow up.

 

Since then, we made up and had some really good LC in March, including her inviting me to come and see her. But four days later she retracted the invite and stopped calling altogether.

 

Ten days later was my birthday... and she didn't contact me at all.

 

It's now four days after my birthday, and still nothing.

 

This is the longest she's gone without contacting me since our breakup, and I have a really strong feeling she's found someone else - possibly her ex - and has moved on.

 

Great timing.

[Brokenhearted87]

ND40, that's awful. Sorry to hear that.

 

Npc...too late. We had an awful text fight today and he said some really mean things, was really horrible and angry towards me and basically said he never wants me in his life ever again in any form after all this, I was in shock. I mean, I can't help how I've dealt with this. So now we are going NC for a few months and seeing if we can be friends after that. I know we can. I know it was only my messed up state and inability to deal with breaking up with him that drove me,literally,demented. So now he wants nothing to do with me. Oh well. There goes the guy I never thought I'd say goodbye to like this. Learn from me people.I've destroyed any chance of having a relationship with the man I love because I thought I could be his friend straight away and wait. It's too hard. LEAVE THEM ALONE.

[npc24]

yep, i did the exact same thing.

broken id inivte you to read my initial post and give me your thoughts...we likely have a very similar story

ill post it below here.

please read

[npc24]

BROKEN READ

 

[SRufus]

srufus, you dumped? a text is so easy to get past, and seems to convoluded, do you think that call, a voicemail might convey "hey im confident enough to call you and leave you a message for your birthday.

i know im not over my ex and my Bday is in 2 weeks. I expect nothing from him, but his is in June and i wanted to wish him a happy bday, but i wanted to call and just say "hey whats up, woke up today and wanted to wish you a happy birthday, i hope its good, hope you have a nice day and great night."

would that creep a dumper out?

 

Actually I was the DUMPEE.........ummm, i guess i just hate this no contact thing cause in my mind it's easier for her than me.

 

I wouldn't mind something- even a b'day text. A phone-call on my birthday from the person who dumped me after not being in touch AT ALL for two and half months would pretty much ruin my birthday- so i would prefer just a simple text. However, she probably doesn't even know when it is.

 

For you, if he doesn't bother to give you anything for your b'day, then why bother with his. Honestly, if i were you, allow him to contact you next.

 

I remember with EX 1, how much I envisionaged doing something for Xmas or her birthday- again I was the dumpee. She texted me a week b4 Xmas (while I was with soon-to-be new ex) and i sent her a simple text on X-mas day and on her B'day. A text is all i really wanted to send in the end cause I still care. However, even in my hurting stages, I think a text would have been less intrusive.

[npc24]

well i sent him a happy easter text and he didnt reply.

Easter was quite special for us last year.

that being said i just saw he posted new pics (i know i shouldnt be looking) and he has a shirt on that i gave him, that belonged to me and was my favorite...it probably doesnt mean anything to him.

its not until June, hopefully by then i dont even care enough to wish him a happy bday, but somehow i doubt it.