Truth of Lie/Excuse...???

[spainman_88]

So I went on 2 good dates with this girl (good conversation, lots of talking, making out at the end of each, communication in between)...But then I didnt hear from her or have any contact until I did call her several days later and talked a little while...she seemed receptive until I asked her about another date. Then she told me that she's been seeing someone else, and it hadnt been serious, but that now its getting serious and she is going to "stop dating other people." She said she had a good time with me, but that she isnt up for dating multiple people at once right now. She did say we should still hang out sometime as friends, although I don't know if I'd want to...my whole basis for knowing her so far was in dating so that could be hard for me.

 

So it's disappointing because I enjoyed my time with her and felt a good connection/conversation was good, etc. I guess that probably means that its nothing that I did to screw it up though....if she was seeing someone else all along then it got serious, then there's nothing else I could have done. Frustrating though cause we can never know that stuff. I've never really 'dated' in this fashion before so its a new reality to me.

 

Is this pretty common? Do people think that this is indeed the case/girls are being honest when they give that explanation?

 

More specifically.....after a conversation with a friend I want to ask....he says that this girl who says she is "seeing someone else and it became serious" is probably just using this as an excuse. My friend bases this on the fact that she is still on the dating site, and that if she had decided to "stop dating other people" as she told me, then she would not still be on there to meet new people.

 

I thought she had been honest with me about it, based on our interactions before she seemed like an honest and straightforward girl. Any opinions? Would a girl answer my call then make up that she is getting serious with someone just to avoid saying "I dont like you"? I was wondering what opinions people had here on that? Would a girl make something like that up? In either your own experience as someone who said/heard such an explanation.....

 

BTW This is after we had made out on both dates.

[ghost69]

she was letting you down lightly. whatever the real situation is with her, she is cutting you off basically. she isn't interested either way. no friends, no contact. move on.

[keenan]

It could be made up, but it's very likely the truth. Accept it at face value and move on.

[gravity]

It sucks to be rejected. . . especially when you thought things were going well.

 

honestly though, whether she is telling the truth or simply making up an excuse shouldn't matter to you, unless you want to be friends (which you don't sound interested in). The simple fact is she is not interested in dating you at this point in time, time for you to move on.

 

people will definitely lie their way out of another date, if they see this as a less painful alternative than facing the truth. but you seem to think she is an honest girl, so there is really no reason to think she is decieving you.

 

As for the dating site . . . I wouldn't read too much into it, she may have forgotten to delete her profile, or is simply waiting for her membership to expire (if it's a pay site).

 

My advice: don't dwell on this any more. chin up, there are plently more girls out there, you attracted this one and you can definitely attract more.

[spainman_88]

Based on my initial question of likely truth or lie/cover-up..... I know people will say "It doesnt matter anyway now" and yeah, thats true, but I'm curious and it can help me to gauge girls in the futyre. Any insight/experience appreciated.....

 

I realize she isnt interested and that is what it is. The reason I want to get people's opinions on if this is a reasonable story to be the truth is because having an idea of that can help me for the future I think. I know that it doesnt matter in terms of HER and I'm moving on from her as a person to date...the reason im most curious is because of the difference between her disinterest being because of tomething I DID or some OUTSIDE factor (like getting serious with someone else). In the reality of what could be with her, I know it doesnt matter...just wondering...

[ghost69]

they are pretty much all going to do it. there are more direct girls too that will flat out tell you that you are unattractive to them. it's one girl man. we can't say it was cause of this or that and it will work for all women. sorry, doesn't work that way.

[keenan]

It's a very reasonable story. I've said it, and I've *only* said it when it's true. The guy I'm dating now 'ended' it this way with a couple of other women he was dating casually, at the same time as me, when things between the two of us got serious.

 

It happens--you meet a few people, you go out with each a time or two, and even though the dates may have been very positive, ONE person may really stand out as the one you want to pursue full-time. The other people fall back into the background.

 

You may hear from her in a few months if things with the current guy don't work out (since you're presumably on the back burner), but certainly DON'T count on this or wait for it.

 

If I'm not feeling the chemistry, I'll say I'm not ready, or just feeling more of a friend vibe between us, or I'll slowly fade out.

[spainman_88]

Hmm sounds reasonable I suppose. I just couldnt tell if she was telling the truth at all, going from one day being really enthusiastic about me to 2 days later not seeming to care/giving me that story (which I accept was likely true). Thanks for the responses. I just want to make sure I'm not screwing stuff up and doing things/not doing things that would cause someone to lose interest.

 

can't really think of anything else with that girl in particular. Guess its time to try with others...

[CaptainNapalm]

If she was getting seroius enough with someone else and that was her reason for not seeing you then she would have definitely removed herself from a dating website. If she found what she was looking for in that other guy last thing she would want to do is not having it work out by having a public profie up on a dating site. Here is what I think happened. She is definitely still looking, she may have enjoyed your company and found you somewhat attractive to make out with you but obvoiusly you fell short in some of her criteria and requirements, don't take it as a bad thing, for all you know she could be a gold digger or serial dater, you never know. Either way she's still looking in my opinion and that line she told you seems a bit like a fib.

[spainman_88]

Hmm well if that is the case, and she isnt seriously involved with anyone else, I dont get why she would be into me enough to make out with me (and initiate it) one day then decide she isnt interested, when things werent getting serious with us at all. I mean, if she was still looking to just date I dont see why she would completely lose interest which was obviously there in the first place when we could have continued some sort of 'casual' dating.

 

Ugh, are there any tips on how to prevent people from losing interest? Getting dates doesnt seem to be hard, but maintaining something does.

[spainman_88]

btw I obviously know there is no single answer fr how to "prevent someone from losing interest."

 

But I meant in terms of when people are inclined to give it a couple date assessment, then all of a sudden shut someone out based on some little thing and not knowing them at all. Its like youve only got 2 dates or so to make your case, and people decide "no" a lot quicker than I feel like I would.

 

If I enjoy someones company, I'll give it several dates/weeks to build on that and see. Guess not everyone is like that...

[Batya33]

It sounds like - and I think I wrote this on another thread - that you are expecting wayyyy too much from only two dates with a person. You don't know if she's an honest person in general, in fact you don't know much about her at all.

 

I have used the excuse she did (if it was an excuse) but not if I knew the person would still see me on an on line dating site. That's a bit silly. also, she could be logging on with her boyfriend's knowledge - meaning, I log on once in awhile to check out a profile of someone a friend is thinking of dating or to see check on someone to see if she is still active -- and my boyfriend knows, and of course doesn't care either way. I keep my profile hidden although I think that people who viewed me before it was hidden and saved it as a favorite can still view it, but I'm not sure.

 

I don't think you can generalize about "girls" - some will not return a call for a third date, some will tell you they are not interested, and many other variations in between.

 

As far as giving someone a chance, that varies too. I dated someone once for 6 weeks I wasn't that into, and I've stopped seeing someone after two dates when I met someone I liked better or because of something he did on the second date that told me we were on different wavelengths. For example, I kissed someone goodnight on a second date, and we held hands during the movie, but in general I found him overly clingy and insecure, so I declined a third date. He pressed the issue so I told him how I felt. What a mistake because of course it fed into his insecurities.

[keenan]

 

If I enjoy someones company, I'll give it several dates/weeks to build on that and see. Guess not everyone is like that...

 

Well, the more specific you are in terms of what you're looking for, the less time you need to spend with somebody who doesn't meet your needs. For example, I looked for somebody who was smart but very modest, ambitious but very kind, and passionate about the world but with a very good sense of humor and an relaxed, easy-going style. Wanting a family was a must, as was being responsible, respectful, and practical. An interest in live music, good food, and travel helped a lot, as did evidence of flossing.

 

I met lots of very attractive guys were were charismatic, sexy, and TONS of fun to be with, but they had values that I just didn't resonate with, or lifestyles that didn't seem sustainable, or needs that I knew I couldn't meet in the long term. I didn't NEED to give it several dates/weeks to build on enjoying their company, because I knew that I'd be risking compromising something of core importance if I accidentally fell in love with them. It's not that they weren't lovable guys--they were--but they weren't right for me.

 

Plenty of people date just to have fun, especially in their early twenties. In general, though, many women are dating to find the person they want to form a more permanent partnership with. The only thing you can do is be the very best version of yourself. If your BEST self doesn't resonate with a particular person, then your 'bad day' version of yourself won't either...and it's better to know that on the second date than the seventh...or seventieth.

[CaptainNapalm]

Spainman, it sucks when that happens, believe me it happened to me enough and I've been told I'm a great looking guy, I got a good career, I'm nice, funny, all the good stuff but I've had the same happen to me a few times. I went out with a woman I really started liking just afet a few dates and all of a sudden she lost interest. Again, you don't know much about her and what she's all about, she could very well find you attractive but perhaps she just simply found someone else to casually date, maybe someone that spoils her more or has more dough to offer and she wants to keep that guy for casual and still look on the dating site and she doesn't have room for both. I wouldn't take it to personally, infact my suggestion to you is go out with someone else as soon as you can to put her behind you. It worked for me. Good luck!

[spainman_88]

Yeah I know that you guys are right. I can't have expectations from someone I dont know at all....its just that really hard process of getting to know someone to that point. And the thing is, I'm not someone who is in a rush to get super serious.....I like the casual stage, but there is a lot of energy and effort in constantly meeting new people and going through the first several date stage. I know its a weeding out process and you obviously know NOTHING about the other person (unless youre friends first, which hasnt been the case with people I've dated recently).

 

In my opinion the hardest part is judging/knowing where someone else stands. As in, we can have fun together, but they might not feel a romantic spark, yet I can't tell. And Nicram, as you said, I know I'm a good looking guy, and I consider myself to be interesting. Just the hope that since I can find a strong attraction to many girls, one of them would find it back to me...

[Batya33]

When I've declined a third or fourth date -- and let's say where there was kissing or affection the typical reasons are -- I met someone the night before I liked better, got back together with someone, realized that despite the good chemistry there was a dealbreaker -like, he told me about how proud he was about getting in a stranger's face who made a comment about a sandwhich he was eating, or he told me about how he was molested by a man as a teenager (TMI, way too soon), or it sounded like we were on different wavelengths about how fast to be intimate, etc.

 

Another guy told me he still occasionally smoked pot, and yet another told me he used to frequent strip clubs and believed that lap dancing was not a sexual act.

 

Things that I wouldn't want to try to change and that I know would make me uncomfortable for the long term.

Dating requires a thick skin, that's for sure.

 

Good luck!

[spainman_88]

Haha, well Batya33 I can see how some of those would be a dealbreaker.....

 

Definitely not the case with me (not that I dont have any things that someone might not like- Im sure I do!). But there was nothing that I would have done or said that would have been that extreme or unusual (which is why its a little harder to accept)....its just been normal conversation, with some good laughs, goodnight kisses, holding hands (at her initiative). Obviously there isnt always chemistry...guess the trick is to keep trying with more people till both feel the same, huh?

[Batya33]

It doesn't always have to be extreme or unusual. As my close friend used to say when she did on line dating "I can sneeze the wrong way and it's all over."

 

(she did meet her husband that way).