I dont know what to do anymore...

[sazzle15]

Hi Im new on here but Ive been reading the posts for a long time and I think its great to have such a wonderful support network.

 

My story is:

 

I have known my ex for years and we have always fancied each other before we dated. He has lots of issues with regards to insecurity and he is so afraid of being hurt that he behaves in very strange ways. His last gf eventually left him and I think he still loves her.

 

We dated but he kept being an idiot with me, turning up late, not turning up at all and making me feel unwanted and unloved. We would fight and argue and I would be insecure (which im not normally) and cry and try to cling on to him. Eventually I had the courage to walk away from his mind games and move on. I met other men and he was still in my life but very jealous of the others.

 

When I split up with my last serious boyfriend he came back in my life and we became lovers and friends. I made a consicious decision to keep a check on my feelings. We moved into together as friends which is a bit weird but we fell out after lots of arguments particularly as he didnt want me to see anyone. He told me he had feeings for me but I just could not have any for him after last time.

 

So another 4 months go by of no contact and we agree to meet up. The inevitable happened we ended up in bed but it was different this time,, there were very strong feelings on both sides. I felt uncomfortable the next day and asked him what he wanted. He says to be friends but have love and cuddles and be intimate. I dont want this, I want something more but he cant handle it. So we talk for hours and eventually me getting upset pushes him away and now he doesnt want to see me at all. He says its my fault and that I should accept what he has to offer me as he doesnt want a relationship. In my heart this feels wrong and so I have said no. I told him if and when he comes to his senses to talk to me. I know he doesnt think I will do it and that I will give in but I wont.

 

We have both said we love each other in our own way and he said he missed me deeply while we were apart. This has been going on for years. I know I push him away as Im too emotional for him and he only like me when Im strong and distant but I cant be like that any more.

 

Should I walk away from our friendship and spend months missing him? What should I do, Im desperate for help?

[Clabs]

Hey Sazzle - welcome to ena.

 

So sorry to hear about your predicament - it is rotten when relationships don't work out, isn't it.

 

Your relationship sounds like it has never been particularly healthy because at the end of the day, your ex never wanted to commit to you, did he? Other aspects of the relationship may have been in place - sexual chemistry, attraction etc but it he won't commit to you then where do you stand.

 

It is not as if this has happened just the once - he has continually demonstrated that he won't commit and he has even told you that commitment is not what he wants.

 

You are quite right to put the brakes on hard here because he was just using you. He wants your friendship and all the other things that go with a loving relationship, without the bother of commiting to you.

 

At the end of the day, this relationship is not giving you what want, is it? You say that this has been going on for years - isn't it time you put a stop to it? You ask if you should walk away from your friendship with him and I would say that is exactly what you should do. The reasoning being that you are not just friends - you have romantic involvement and you will find it impossible to separate the two right now.

 

Only you can decide what to do here but it sounds like you know exactly what you should do. Yes, it will be hard, as hard as hell. But you deserve so much more than what is on offer here. To find someone who does think you are worth committing to. Just remember - we only go through this life once - make the most of it.

 

Mark

[sazzle15]

Thank you. I know your right but I was happy to have him in my life as a friend but how can I when he keeps telling me he has all these feelings for me. I feel like he is using me as he thinks it will be easy with me. Im his comfort blanket because I dont think any other girl would put up with what I do. There have been times when I have been in trouble and he just turned his back on me. I guess thats my answer really, perhaps he doesnt care at all. Its so hard, I really want to go no contact but Im worried I will break.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I agree with Clabs. He is not only a rotten partner for a relationship, he also clearly is a rotten friend. He is very selfish and self absorbed and wants everything handed to him on a silver platter. I am not convinced that he actually still loves his last girlfriend...he just seems to be the type of person that wants to keep a fan club around and he gets upset when the fan club walks away. He has very serious issues and I would strongly suggest that you walk out of his life completely. He is simply using you and giving you nothing much in return...he thinks the pleasure of his body is reward enough for you. He may not be capable of truly loving anyone on a meaningful level...he can't even be there for you when you are in trouble...that is no friend.

[sazzle15]

I always thought he only loves her still because she is the only one that left him and now is marrying someone else. He cant stand that. He does have a pattern of doing this to girls. He tells them what they want to hear knowing he doesnt want to be with them properly.

 

I think I get annoyed with myself because I always get so emotional and keep texting him and phoning him and then realise what an idiot I am. This feeling then gets my self esteem down which makes me cling even more. I need to find some strength and break this destructive cycle.

 

Any ideas for becoming stronger?

[sazzle15]

The other thing I forgot to mention he said that he thought I had become strong again since we stopped talking. He says that Im not because I got upset about him not wanting a relationship with me and said I wasnt prepared to give him what he wanted. He said if I was strong I would not care and would accept what he has to offer. The more we have talked over the last few weeks the more distant he has become and now is completely cold towards me. Do you think this is because Im not giving him what he wants? I said if you come to your senses and can commit to me come back and at that point he seemed interested again. Its like he only wants me when he thinks he is losing me.

[Litgirl01]

He is not able to give you what you want and need! Move on and find someone who wants what you want...a commited relationship! xx

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Not only is he unable to commit and doesn't care to be there for you in times of trouble he is also very patronizing towards you...tells you that you are not strong and uses emotional abuse to get you to bow down to his will...really, this guy is a big LOSER. He likes when you stand up to him because then you present a challenge for him to break you down again so that he can call you weak. This man is awful....not relationship material and not even friend material.

[Clabs]

Hey sazzle

 

He only seems to want you when you pull away because he is trying to string you along for his own selfish needs. Just because you got upset that he didn't want a relationship with you does not make you weak.

 

He is a selfish jerk - but it is time for you to be selfish for a change. It is time to walk away from his lame behaviour. You can do so much better - keep strong honey - you can get through this.

 

Mark

[Litgirl01]

Not only is he unable to commit and doesn't care to be there for you in times of trouble he is also very patronizing towards you...tells you that you are not strong and uses emotional abuse to get you to bow down to his will...really, this guy is a big LOSER. He likes when you stand up to him because then you present a challenge for him to break you down again so that he can call you weak. This man is awful....not relationship material and not even friend material.

 

 

Big loser who will be BY HIMSELF if he doesn't change! The least he could do is warn women that he can't make commitments!

 

How to tell if you are dating a loser:

 

link removed

[sazzle15]

It really helps to see your comments as I have been blaming myself all this time. Saying its my insecurities about him and my self esteem that have been to blame. I think all along I used to get angry with him because I knew he was using me.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Users are very very skilled at manipulation, bullying and emotional abuse. They don't have to be love interests, they can be family members, friends, co-workers, acquaintances etc. The modus operandi is always the same and if you eventually stick up for yourself they typically throw temper tantrums and try to make you into the bad person...they play on your kindness and good nature to guilt you into maintaining a subordinate position to them. They do not view people as equals.

[Clabs]

Hey sazzle

 

Crazyaboutdogs is right on the money here - read her post again, read it again, oh and read it once more! This is exactly why you need to stay strong and move forward with your life. Who needs a jek like him dragging you down??

 

Mark

[sazzle15]

Ive said good bye to him now but i got no response but that is usual. The silence is the bit he knows will hurt me so I guess thats why he does it. Its also a form of control to ensure I will text again to say why havent you replied. Either that or he just doesnt care at all. He says he never meant to hurt me tonight but I dont feel that if he cared about me he would behave like this. Its time for me to move on and rebuild my broken heart again. I cant trust him not to walk in and out of my life when he feels like it. So as of now Im looking forward to rebuilding my life without him.

[Clabs]

Hey sazzle

 

Darling - you really need to leave him completely alone now. In leaving him alone and in not replying to anything he sends you, YOU take back some control in all of this mess.

 

If you carry on contacting him then you will simply massage his ego and there is a danger that he will pull you back in in a weak moment and the vicious cycle will continue - back to square one.

 

It won't be easy, but you can do it. Just remind yourself just how much time you have wasted here - and just remind yourself that you are worthy of so much better treatment than this.

 

He will most likely contact you at some stage, once he realises that you have gone quiet. Once again, if you ignore him, he will likely get cross and try and push blame your way. You must be strong here - you mustn't respond to him.

 

Mark