I am ending this.

[jul-els]

Hello,

 

I have told my gf of the past 2 1/2 yrs. that I will be leaving our relationship and going my own way. This is after the fourth time she has had a complete breakdown due to excessive drinking. (how come there is no forum for alcoholism here? just wondering).

 

The first time this happened, approx. 6 mos. ago, she would stay home and not go to work and not notify her employer and just stay in bed and drink and vomit. She would not eat anything or drink any other fluids. She would begin to grow very frail and fade away right in front of my eyes. After a few days, I took her to the ER and they would rehydrate her and give her a couple sedatives and anti-nausea pills and sent her home.

 

I told her that although I care about her very much, this behavior caused by her drinking is unacceptable and if it continues I will have no choice but to leave the relationship. Then it happened a third time. The difference that time was she decided to cut her wrists. They cut were just surface scratches really, that didn't go into the flesh, but there were many of them. I took her directly to the hospital and had her admitted. They kept her there under observation for a week.

 

Everytime one of these occurrences happened, I would try to the best of my ability to help her pull through it. She had completely shut down and was completely incapable of functioning, so I made sure she got the proper professional care, spoke with her employer and tried to work with her in order to safeguard my girlfriends job. She was very understanding and helpful to us in this regard. I would also do all of the legwork of contacting the doctors and insurance providers and driving her to see them in order to make sure she could be attended to properly and helped to recover as soon and as safely as possible. After this 3rd time, I told her she could no longer drink or I would leave. I caught her drinking a few weeks later and told her I was done. She begged me for another chance. I foolishly gave in, but told her we had to make a deal. The deal was the next time she drank, that would signify the end of our relationship by mutual agreement. She could not beg or discuss it with me. She would just have to start packing her things and making her living arrangements.

 

A week or so later, she drank again, so I told her it was over as we had agreed upon. This caused her to go into another severe drinking episode, avoiding work, sleeping, and at the end of the 3rd day I came home from work to find she had cut her wrist somewhat severely. I told her she had to put her shoes on and go to the hospital. She refused. I called 911. A ridiculously large battalion of paramedics and police officers swarmed our residence. The paramedics decided it was a police matter and left them to deal with it. Now we had two very unfriendly and unruly cops with very unseemly attitudes invading our home against our will. They were confrontational and provocative towards us trying to bait any negative response from me which would give them "probable cause" to search our home. I am much smarter than they are, however, and didn't take the bait.

 

They took her to the hospital in a cruiser and she has been there for the last 4 days. This time the people on the unit are being more proactive with her and telling her she needs to have some kind of treatment plan before she can be released. I have spoke with her employer one last time and she said she cannot guarantee that she will keep her job this time as she is proving herself unreliable. She has been at this co. for 5 yrs. and has always been a valued employee. I don't get why she is ruining that now when she did so well there for so long. It doesn't make any sense and it hurts me deeply to see her hurting herself this way.

 

She will get out of the hospital hopefully soon, and her rent is paid until the end of the month. At that time, I will pay the full rent and she must be out. I had a really nice 1 bdrm. apt. when I met her, and I gave it up to rent a really nice house with her. Now that she is going I will try to hold on to this place as even though it is out of my budget, it is really nice and is an excellent deal for the price. I think I can cut corners enough and/or get a 2nd job in order to keep it. I am very strongly urging her to get into a recovery home and work with a professional as well as going to regular AA meetings in order to get and maintain her sobriety. She is from Europe and is saying she may go back to live with her family. If that is what she chooses, it will make her departure very final for me and I'm sure it will probably hurt. But I am the one who made the final decision to leave and must stand by my choice.

 

My only hope for all of this is that it causes her to have the desire to quit drinking permanently so she can live her life and be happy. That is all I really want for her. I am also hoping our friendship will remain intact. I think it will. Well, I guess that's all I have to say for now. Thank you for giving me this opportunity to speak and thank you for listening. Have a good day.

[1guygirl]

theres gotta be an underlying issue for all of this...do you know what it is??

 

anyway, the best thing to do to someone who has a pattern of behaviour like this is to leave and let them work it out as cruel as it sounds, but staying is giving them the support to carry on doing this and not seek help.

 

i bet you feel drained tho to say the least

[Over Analyzer]

Good point, a substance abuse area might help some people.

 

My ex husband, know by loved ones as Dr.Jeckyl and Mr. Hideaholic, was having an ongoing affair with rum, it is a disease but, until they are ready you cannot help them. My ex was able to function but he was still sick. I thought he might "snap out of it and seek change" after I left, he is still exactly where he was. You have to pick your battles in life, and there is only so much fight you can have before you become the "bad guy". Looking into Al-Anon can help you greatly too. Good luck.

[thejigsup]

My ex husband was much like your gf. Left him 18 years ago. No one has seen or heard from him in almost 10 years. I suppose he either drank himself to death, overdosed, or is in a penitentiary. I really don't care.

[Litgirl01]

My current boyfriend's ex girlfriend was an alcoholic...your situation sounds SO similar to his! He finally ended the relationship but kept taking care of her as a friend. He lied to me about his relationship with her. She recently passed away due to her alcoholism and my boyfriend has completlely flipped out. Our relationship is now on the rocks. He is in so much pain because he couldn't "save" her. Now he can't function in a healthy relationship with me. Result is...we are both in a lot of pain. That is what alcoholism does to people. Check into alanon and learn about codependent relationships! It is NOT your job to save her! You can only save yourself...not her. ((((hugs))) Lots of luck! xx

[jul-els]

Thank you for your replies. Don't worry, I do not feel responsible for her in any way. I do care about her, and when we split, I will try to point her in the right direction. What she does from there is up to her and is no longer my business, nor do I want it to be. I will just wish for the best for her and that's all I can do. I care about her and will still be her friend, but I have no desire to save her from herself. If I wanted to go down with the ship, I would stay on it. I am bailing out so I can get on with my life. Whatever she chooses to do after that is up to her. I'm not involved.

[jul-els]

Update:

 

They released her from the hospital at 4:30 pm yesterday. Our house isn't far, so she walked home and waited until I came home from work. I threw her house key away while she was in the hospital so she couldn't be at home alone and drink and/or cut. I came home and did a little straightening up and she helped. It just so happened they had some coupons at work yesterday for a place we like, so I took one home and showed it to her and suggested we go. She liked the idea and got showered and we went.

 

It was very nice and we actually had a very nice time. We talked about all of the stuff (something she's always been reticent to do) and she was actually quite more open and forthcoming than usual. She also told me some funny stories about some of the people she was staying with while she was there. We also talked about other things and joked around and laughed. I printed her out a list of "sober living" homes while she was admitted and she actually went through it and made some calls and has an appointment to meet with someone about a room.

 

We talked about her drinking and I told her how that is the underlying cause of all of the problems in our relationship and the primary reason that we are splitting. She understood and acknowledged that fact. She is coming to accept that reality, it would seem. When we got back home she went on the website for the place she will move to and we looked at the pictures of the place. It looks decent. When she looked at one of the photos of a bedroom with two sets of bunkbeds she just doubled over and started crying. My heart is really going out to her, but I explained to her that she is not the only one this is tough on. I will have to take on the full rent of our place which I really can't afford, but I will find a way. She said that is her fault and it makes her feel even worse because she not only ruined things for herself but for me as well. I told her the choice to move out of my orig. apt. was mine, not hers, and now I will have to deal with the responsibility for that choice and I can and will do whatever needs be to take care of it and it will be fine. Just in the same exact way that her choice to drink was hers and now she has to accept the responsibility for that choice and take care of it and if she really wants to make it right then the only way to do that is to stop drinking forever. She understood what I was saying.

 

She feels really hurt and guilty and feels she has ruined everything and my heart goes out to her for that. I told that although we will probably not get back together, she still has every opportunity in the world to undo the damage done and make sure it never happens again if she will stop drinking. If she can do it she will be a much happier and healthier person and will enjoy her life much more. She agreed.

 

It came time to go to sleep and she said she would sleep on the couch. I felt bad about that and said she could sleep in the bed with me in order to get a good night's sleep and be ready for work in the morning. So, overall it felt like it was a productive evening and really not unpleasant. I hope she will get better. I think there's a possibility she may be ready to, but as I said before, she is the master of her own destiny, it has nothing to do with me.

 

I am giving her until the end of the month to get herself ready and then she must be out. I don't know if I could ever consider being with her again, but I know I love her and will miss her very much and will always be her friend. I will be sending a infinite positive energy and love in her direction. Thanks for letting me talk and for listening to my story. Peace.