Surviving the disappointments of love - how?

[grieving]

Hi,

 

I guess I'm using this forum to understand the progress I'm making through this very difficult breakup.

 

The story is under this link:

 

link removed

 

Initally, I was desperately trying to understand how this man could give up one something he thought was so wonderful. How, I wondered, could love not factor into someone's conception of a future together. Shouldn't everything follow love, I thought. Shouldn't everything fall into place if you have that?

 

But I guess as time goes on, I'm realizing that maybe for some, a life partnership is less about love and more about how the other person fits into a preconceived future. I've always thought that love can induce people to change and mold grow together in organic ways.

 

It seems that my ex-boyfriend thinks otherwise. He claims we weren't open and intimate enough, but if you read our history together, it seems that the real issue is that he realized he either doesn't love me enough to struggle through or that I don't fit into his bigger picture. And I think the latter is more true - he had a very hard time letting go of me and I think his final decision was based finally on a faulty conception of my trajectory in life. He just decided, without really communicating with me, that I don't fit.

 

And as I try to move forward, I find that I'm becoming less angry and confused and more disappointed and sad. I find it sad that this man I admired and respected so much could have such a plebian and unromantic view of love. I am saddened that he can't see me properly.

 

And as soon as I get to a point in my thoughts where I can say that perhaps we broke up for the best, my heart begins to ache terribly and I race back to feeling angry and hurt and sad and hoping that he comes around to see me for who I really am.

 

As soon as I catch myself letting go, I panic and hang on tighter.

 

Why is this happening? Why can't I let myself believe what I logically know is true: my ex-boyfriend and I might have incompatible views of love. Why can't I let myself be disappointed and move on? I hate this feeling of realizing that maybe my ex-boyfriend is someone very different from who I thought he was.

 

And why was he able to so easily believe some false idea of me? Why was it so easy for him to become disappointed in me?

 

Can love ever recover from disappointments like these?

 

As I reread this letter, I realize how conflicted I still am about this breakup.

 

So it's probably a good idea that I'm still taking my time before being his friend again?

 

Any advice is so very greatly appreciated. I need so much support right now, trying to work through these emotions.

 

- Grieving

[bdub]

Grieving,

 

You are not alone. I too have had a similar situation with my ex. One minute she says, "You make me so happy." The next, she breaks up with me. Logically it doesn't make sense, but in time you will learn to let go with your heart, as well as with your mind.

 

What you are feeling is normal. You are beginning to feel in your head that things are for the best, but your heart does not agree with your head. Everytime you feel like you are making progress, your heart pulls the E-brake and you come to a screeching hault in the recovery process. But remember that this is a normal process of grieving the loss of a loved one. Unlike the problems we can solve in our head, matters of the heart do not take a straight line path to recovery. It is much like being on a rollercoaster. One minute, you are feeling like you are climbing out of a pit, the next you are sent right back to the bottom. Don't think that because you are not continuously getting better that you are some how not healing. You just have to resign yourself to the grieving process and go with the flow.

 

Keep talking to people and posting on this forum. I've found that reading people's posts that are in the same boat is very comforting. Everybody here cares, and that is nice to know also

 

Best Wishes,

bdub