*Sigh* Just need to vent...

[MattW]

This will most likely end up being a very long read, so feel free to pass on by if you must... I just need to vent, because after some stuff that's happened today, I'm just feeling sick to my stomach.

 

First, let me put this into perspective. I'm 19; my mom (in her mid-50s) and my dad (in his late 40s) have been married twenty years. We've always been kind of struggling to get by financially, and this last year has been especially rough; I even opted to hold off on college for a while so I could help out around here. In about December of 2006, my mom started getting really sick, because of stress caused from a combination of my grandmother, my half-sister (from a previous marriage of my mom's), and my two aunts on my dad's side. She went to the doctor, and they had determined that she had high blood pressure from all the stress. So all through 2007, they were giving her a big run-around with all these different perscriptions, and whatnot.

 

Things for my mom started to cool down a bit recently, though, but she's been kind of depressed that this is how her life is now, being "sickly", as she calls it. Now my half-sister comes into play; first let me begin by telling you the kind of person my sister is like. She's very egotistical, she ran out on her husband (now ex, obviously) and two daughters, got pregnant by some trailer trash guy that she claims is very abusive (both emotionally and physically), and to add on to all of that, she blames my mother for every bad thing that's happened to her in her life. She constantly berates my mom and picks fights with her, and my mom takes it all to heart, because she's a very sensitive person. Now, every few months, my sister starts all this drama that she's taking her son and leaving the guy she's with now, but she always ends up going back to him (and finds some way to blame my mom for such).

 

So flash forward to yesterday. My sister starts her drama up again, and demands to move into our (small) house. All we have is a basement, which is especially cold in the winter, and my sister says she's desperate and she'll take it. We cleaned the basement up as best we could, especially being that we had very little time (she had called only about two hours before she actually showed up). She brings her son and her dog, and kind of gives my mom some attitude, but my mom just backs off and lets her get settled. A few hours later, my sister spent much of the evening on the phone arguing with and yelling at some one (presumably either the guy she left, or his family). It gets to be about 9:30 at night, and my sister informs my mom that she packed up her stuff and is going back to try to figure something out with the guy she left. She also gets snippy with my mom that the basement was "too damn cold", and my mom was just dumbfounded. She took off after that, and since then, my mom's been REALLY upset that my sister pulled this kind of thing once again, and not only that, but blamed my mom for it in the process.

 

Today, it was my dad who did something that's really bugging me, right now. Lemme start off by saying, my dad is, well... to put it simply, he's not very sensitive to other people's feelings, and he tends to not think before he speaks; but he's not a bad guy, or anything, and me and my mom both know he's like that, so we usually just deal with it. Anyway, we go to a car show, today, something my dad's been looking forward to for a while. After being there about two hours, my mom (who's still upset about what happened with my sister yesterday) wasn't really feeling well, and she needed to take some of her medication soon. She asked my dad if we could leave, and he sighed as though annoyed (which he does quite often, and at the drop of a pin, at that...) and we left. The ride home, my mom confronted him about it, saying she's still stressed out from my sister and from having to be on medications, and she eventually just broke down and started crying from the stress, and made a comment about hating her life.

 

We get home, and my dad tries to defend himself, and makes the offhand comment that since she hates her life so much, maybe he should just "pack his **** and leave", which obviously upset my mom even more, especially considering they've never had any kind of marital problems and neither has ever considered leaving the other. My dad later apologized for saying that and said he'd never actually leave, and said he figured that since he's a part of my mom's life, she must hate him if she hates her life so much. I... I don't think he'd actually leave, but it's just really bugging me that he'd say something like that. After he originally said that, though, I tried to comfort my mom a bit, but she didn't even want to around me. She's composed herself, now, and seems to be back to normal, but I haven't said anything to her or my dad since all that happened.

 

So I dunno, I guess I just needed to vent. I can't talk to either of them, because that'll just get them upset all over again, but I'm just feeling so sick right now... I mean, there's never once been a time I doubted my mom and dad's marriage, and now I'm just so shaken up. Again, I can't actually see my dad leaving, but it just... I dunno, worries me, I guess.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Well, you don't really know the dynamics of your parents' relationship. Maybe her issues are partly her own doing and he was just feeling tired of being her support system all the time....maybe she is very full of self-pity and he has heard it over and over again so he himself was reacting out of frustration especially in light of the disappointment of having to leave the car show. There is probably more to this than meets the eye. It is best not to worry about it...they probably have been snippy with each other in the past and then it blows over.

[emailas]

Don't worry. Your dad's reaction, i thought was quite predictable in response to everyhting that is going on. He obviously is quite frustrated at the situation, and tired, drained of it all ...to some extent of hearing how much your mum is unhappy.

 

He just wants to 'fix it" rather than consantly hear it. He want to make her happy, and

is disappointed that she feels that way about the life they share and have built together, plus, he was simply looking forward to the car show as a "happy outlet". It's really between them, so they need to work through it by themselves.

[Enigmatika]

This half sister of yours, is nothing short of the "Gong Show."

 

From your dad's perspective, there is nothing much he can do...he did not sign on to a life with this particular nutbar...she came as part of the package. Unfortunate as that may be.

 

Your mom....feel sorry for her, she enables her daughter by allowing her to treat her in that manner.

 

You are a fine young person caught in the middle.

 

As a young adult with eyes, ears and a mouth of your own: Have you considered speaking directly to your sibling? i.e. she is ridiculous and to get a grip on herself?

 

Don't pull any punches...the more it stings...the better.

 

expect her to go ballistic though...lol...and be ready for it

The worst she can do is to stay away....and fix her crap.

She's very egotistical, she ran out on her husband (now ex, obviously) and two daughters, got pregnant by some trailer trash guy that she claims is very abusive (both emotionally and physically), and to add on to all of that, she blames my mother for every bad thing that's happened to her in her life.

This "woman" needs a reality check...

[Over Analyzer]

I hope you feel a little better from venting, we all need to at times. You seem like a great son, with that said you aren't responsible for everyone else's happiness. As long as you know in your heart you are doing what you can to not add to it there is not much more you have control of. And that is ok, you are responsible for you. It is nice you are helping, sometimes though when we help others we can restrict them from helping themselves. Though it is hard sometimes the best thing to do is to let people work it out among themselves. Imagine how much better your mother would feel if she gained all that control back and started "living" again, ridding herself of the sick feelings? Be there by all means when needed but, know when others should be doing their part. It's ok to want the best, I hope things improve soon.

[MattW]

Yeah, things have gone back to normal since then, but it was nice to vent. And hah hah, yeah, my sister is quite the piece of work, huh? I've tried telling her off before, but she always just blows me off, saying something like "Oh, of course the little golden boy has to stick up for mommy" or whatever, so... she really doesn't take what I say into consideration. Hell, she even knows how to get under MY skin; read the very last post I made in my topic on the Finding Love and Soulmate board to see what I'm talking about... @_@

[Enigmatika]

"Oh, of course the little golden boy has to stick up for mommy" or whatever, so... she really doesn't take what I say into consideration. Hell, she even knows how to get under MY skin

Cuz she can sh*t like a bull from her mouth...

 

Your mom sounds exhausted from her crap. Your dad is right there with your mom...Run interference for the time being, let nothing of your sis's diatribe rattle your cage...after all...look at the Source...LOL

[MattW]

Heh, yeah. Luckily, though, she lives pretty far away, so she's not around very much to start crap; she used to start fights with my mom over the phone, but now that her boyfriend stopped paying the bills, they lost their phone service (she still has a pay-as-you-go phone, but uses it very rarely, like, only for emergencies), their car, and they're set to lose their trailer in the near future. The guy says that once they lose the trailer, he's leaving, but I don't know where she's going to end up...

 

She has so much debt that she doesn't know what to do, and she doesn't work because she says that her whole paycheck will pretty much be going to pay her debts, so "why bother?" (although, common sense SHOULD tell her that her debt isn't just gonna disappear; at least if she started working, she could start paying some of it off, but whatever). And what's worse is, whenever some one tries to help her out and give her money to help towards the debt, what does she do? She takes most of the money and spends it on crap she doesn't need (just last year she bought an expensive laptop...). In fact, when my sister moved in a couple of weeks ago, my dad had called her dad, just to let him know what was going on, and her dad said that not too long ago, he had given her $2000 to help with her bills, but who knows where that went to.

 

So, the way I figure, my sister'll probably be begging to move back here sometime in the summer. My mom's trying to push her to move in with her dad instead (because besides the stress my sister causes my mom, our house is also very small, we don't exactly live in a great neighborhood, and we were hoping to move somewhere else sometime within the next year or two). But, my sister refuses to go to her dad, because she says she's already asked him for too much and is afraid he won't do more for her. So who knows what'll end up happening...?

 

Heh, and if you think my sister's bad, you should hear about some of the other people in my family. I could go on and on about my aunts, uncles, my grandma... It's weird how me, my mom, and my dad are relatively normal compared to everyone else. @_@ I pity whatever girl that ends up marrying me; she has no idea what she's getting herself into with my family, haha...

[Enigmatika]

I pity whatever girl that ends up marrying me; she has no idea what she's getting herself into with my family, haha...

...See what you mean. Lots of families are just as bughousenutz, they just hide it better.

 

At 19 you've got your life filled with great learning opportunities of what you DO NOT want in your life. Not a bad thing if you look for the silver lining...

 

Motivated to get OUT. I know you care about your folks, it's not about abandoning them, it's about letting them know that minimum one of the brood turned out ok.

She has so much debt that she doesn't know what to do, and she doesn't work because she says that her whole paycheck will pretty much be going to pay her debts, so "why bother?" (although, common sense SHOULD tell her that her debt isn't just gonna disappear; at least if she started working, she could start paying some of it off, but whatever).

LOL....hear you!!! She lives in a fantasy land of entitlement. But that will come crashing down when family STOP enabling her. in trying to help her they exacerbate the problem...but they don't see it that way...she has them wrapped around her little finger..

 

You are young and wise beyond your years...Focus on your own personal goals, EDUCATION and create a wonderful life for yourself. Family can be kept at a distance, if you know what I mean. Sometimes it is Necessary!!