My overly long tale...

[GrahGrah]

I first met the boy who just dumped me (it's hard for me to even call him my ex) just under a year ago. We met up a few times, not as dates. We chatted about past emotional scars, and got on really well. He became a good friend, and was the first person I could talk to about personal stuff, as I'm a very private person. We talked about how we weren't sure we were ready for a relationship (in general) - but gradually became involved. From seeing each other as friends, it became exclusive, and eventually he admitted he wanted a relationship with me, and I admitted the same with him.

 

So... we make it official, and spend lots of time together. Everything is relaxed, caring... I know he still has issues from being extremely hurt by his past. Things are taken slow, and are better for it. It's comfortable, happy... We share his birthday, have a lovely xmas. Valentines was good too. I had spent some time in France - according to mutual friends he can't stop talking about me while I was away, was counting down the days till I returned.

We have mutual friends, do lots of events things. He's very affectionate - in public and at home. Our personality and hobbies chimed. We just clicked - it was so relaxed, so friendly, yet with chemistry.

Problems with his work - but he withdraws his resignation after the offer of a job in America.

 

We go to a gig, I go back to his. Next day, we see a film, then I head back to mine. I realise I really care about him, and have never told him. He's taken all the risks before in getting us together, so I thought I ought to take one. I send him a text (cowardly) saying 'love you'. No response.

 

I see him the next day. We spend a nice evening together, I stay over. In the morning - he asks me seriously how I feel for him. I tell him I love him.

He denies this - says it cant be the case. Then starts to cry - talking about how he can never love again, and doesn't love me. I explain I wasn't wanting anything - I know about the issues. I wasn't wanting to hear anything in return (all true). I just wanted him to feel cared about.

 

He dumps me. He can't love me.

 

And that's it. Knowing his personality - his decision and completely and utterly final.

 

The thing is - I'd been psyching myself up to bring up America, since he was avoiding it. I was going to suggest we take things casually and break up / go on a break before he left. But have a set date, so we could prepare for things.

 

But coming now - was such a shock. We'd planned a (group) holiday together, had tickets to events and concerts. I didn't see it coming. Mutual friends didn't. One even said: "you two had given me hope that relationships could work out".

 

So... now I'm having to deal with several things:

1) the fact it hasn't sunk in - I wake up happy, then realise I've lost him and cry. And I can't quite understand why it went from relaxed and happy... to nothing. I feel so damn powerless.

2) the fact he was crying as he dumped me. If he cares... then why doesn't he want to see if it could be worked out?

3) the fact that I KNOW I'm being stupid trying to plan things in my head like getting him to a counsellor, having a break from me... to fix him so he feels he can get back to me... YET I can't stop thinking them.

4) The fact that because of the way we became involved, he became a close friend. Losing that rips just as much as losing our relationship.

 

And perhaps the thing that hurts most of all:

5) He's probably right.

 

 

On top of all this - I'm ill, having trouble getting permanent employment (I'm currently temping), having trouble eating, was dumped exactly a week before my birthday. When he'd planned to take me out for dinner.

 

How the heck do I get my head fixed. I keep hoping we could work it out - but there is STILL America. He's unlikely to move there forever, but it would be at least 6 months. I KNOW this is a blessing in disguise... but...

It feels like such a waste. I went out with my ex before him for 4 years... and never felt as happy as I had with this guy. I was then single for 2 years, as I never met anyone I found interesting, attractive and on my wavelength.

 

Part of me is kicking myself - maybe if I'd never gotten involved, I could have had something amazing with him in the future. I KNEW he was hurt - why couldn't I wait? He had said - I was the first person he'd met that made him feel he could risk a relationship again. And on breaking up - that it was doomed from the start.

 

Part of me thinks I'm being selfish - I mean - it's nothing compared to being in a relationship that's long, mutually loving... but I just can't help but see the potential we had. And miss him so much. And it's only a week.

 

If someone has never loved you... but definitely cared about you a lot... can you get them back?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I am sorry, but the 'i love you' declaration is when a lot of relationships fall apart. You are feeling the love, and when you declare it, it snaps the other person out of it and they realize they can't go on with a relationship where someone is expecting love and they realize they don't feel it back. They may be very fond/attached to you, but realize on their side it is not love, and don't want to lead you on by continuing the relationship once they realize that you love them, and they don't love you.

 

It is a HUGE hurdle if someone says they don't love you... in fact, love is what relationships are about, and if he doesn't feel this way about you, you can't 'make' him love you.

 

There are lots of people who say they can never love again, but when they meet the right person for them, that 'i'll never love again' goes right out the window. So i think you have to take him at his word, as uncomfortable as that is. We can love someone deeply and still not be loved back, because everyone is separate and the things that make love click for them may be different that what does it for you.

 

So it is hard, but you need to let it go and move on. If he's made a mistake and does love you, he will realize it and call you, but if he genuinely doesn't have that feeling for you, it is better for both of you to move on.

[GrahGrah]

I know. I know all this in my head... it's just stopping the 'buts' and the 'ifs'.

 

And the sheer loneliness of losing a best friend as well as the relationship. I feel like I wasted a great friendship too.

 

I know. I just can't keep myself in that state of 'knowledge' before I start questioning and hoping.

 

Perhaps Pandora should never have let hope out of the box - it's the cruelest emotion.

[renaissancewoman101]

Stuff like this is why I probably won't tell a guy that "I love him" first. I've learned that is the surest way to shatter a relationship, or any hope of one. I'd rather wait for him to say it first, or if he doesn't say it, I won't say it either and just assume it (not sure about that).

 

OP, I am sorry about what happened to you.

 

Have you tried talking to him about maybe working it out, or taking some time away from each other so he can see that maybe he DOES love you?????

[GrahGrah]

He's supposed to call tomorrow to discuss when we can meet up to finish things. I know he's hurting, so he might not.

Basically, we were part of the same friendship group. We share LOADS of mutual friends. We have to meet, not only so I can try to understand and come to terms with things, but so we can discuss non-contact - as if we dont officially agree to share events and things, we'll end up at the same stuff.

 

So - if we meet... I will tell him I understand his reasonings, and would like no-contact for a while. At least a month. Perhaps it should be longer, but... I do love him as a friend as well - and if he were to move to the US without us ever speaking again... then I would be broken. Before we got together, he was the first person i could talk to about past relationship scars... perhaps we spoilt a great friendship by trying to more.

In the future, I'd rather be friends that have him out of my life.

 

I don't see how we can work it out. Either he doesn't love me, and can't - but doesn't want to see me hurt. He's enough of a gentleman not to get involved in something just for fun, if it's unbalanced.

If he does love me -or could love me - that might be worse. He was badly BADLY hurt by his last few relationships. Was in counselling for it at one point. I think he'd be scared to get back involved with me in case he was hurt again.

 

I suspect I'll be hanging around here a while... I'll try to take all advice. Or at least listen to it - whether I can follow might be requiring super human characteristics.

 

I just hope I can give sometthing back to this place as well as take from it...

[GrahGrah]

Sorry to bump this... but tomorrow's the day I'm seeing him...

 

It's just ... weird. He posted me a nice (cool and useful rather than remotely affectionate) birthday pressie - but it was so weird not to share my birthday with him.

 

Before I had all these questions I wanted to ask him. Now I know deep in my gut that anything he says will confirm we're over. I'd almost rather not know the answers and drive myself mad thinking about him... that hear the truth.

And I don't want to cry in front of him. I don't want to break down and beg for... something, anything.

I want to be strong. How can another person make me so weak?

 

So - yuh... I'll probably be here ranting tomorrow night. Humour me, and don't throw too much common sense at me, until I'm above water enough to hear it.

 

*hugs*

[renaissancewoman101]

Good luck with talking to him tomorrow. I hope it all works out.

 

Remember to keep it all together and don't get too emotional. Guys seem to get "weird" about that. I know it's hard because you love him. And when they pull the rug out from under you, it really hurts.

[GoldFox3840]

Good luck with talking to him tomorrow. I hope it all works out.

 

Remember to keep it all together and don't get too emotional. Guys seem to get "weird" about that. I know it's hard because you love him. And when they pull the rug out from under you, it really hurts.

 

Girls can get "weird" about that, too..