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Recently, girls have told me "you're not nice anymore&q


Tears May Fall
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well first of all, i'll introduce myself to this board with my first post, and secondly ill tell you a little about myself as well. Im a 20 yr old 3rd year pharmacy student at St John's U., and lived all my life in NYC(queens). I went out with a girl for about 3 years, from 16-19, and its been like a year since we broke up, rough break up...she broke up with me and broke my heart, but i had to blame for it. After about 4 months after we broke up, we started talking again trying to get back together, we talked for 6 months in which she wanted me to prove to her that ive changed and im worthy of another try, and eventually things still didnt work out and we TOTALLY stopped talking. Its been 5 months now since that point where we stopped talking. I havent been in any real relationship since, but ive hooked up with my fair share of girls while enjoying the single life.

i go out partying and clubbing and drinking alot, and enjoy my freedom to the max. im a very confident and self-fulfilled guy who feels as though his life is just fine and im happy most of the time, not perfect, cuz theres no such thing(in my opinion)..cuz if life were perfect, it would be boring...i still get my challenges everyday and it makes life fun and interesting

i used to be the nice guy, ive been a really nice guy all my life, always putting others before myself, always helping everyone out, always being there for people, always being a good friend, always being nice and giving people compliments or good suggestions/help...but then occasionally it struck me that all this being nice, doesnt really help me since not EVERYONE whom i helped was always there for me when i needed them...and then i just slowly transfomed, from hearing that "nice guys finish last"...to not being exactly that nice guy anymore, choosing my friends more wisely, not kissing everyones ass, just being more "eh" with everyone whom i now consider an aquaintance...teasing people(girls) more, making fun of girls(in a playful way), acting cocky occasionally(in a playful funny way again)

--like saying stuff like for example (girls)"yea yea watever, dont you ever in your life try to play me with that stupid excuse again" or "go ahead, do watever you want, dont talk to me again, ask me if i care" or "hold your head, dont think you're special or something cuz you're probably not" or "dont think you can talk to me however you feel like it, das just not happening"

so mainly with girls im speaking, they say to me that ive become less nice, some even call me a jerk, some say ive changed, some say you dont seem to care about much anymore(which is true because i dont really let much phase me anymore), etc. As for myself, i feel great, i feel like a whole new man who has control and demand and doesnt let anyone get to him and isnt gonna get hurt again..is this wut happens, do guys getting their heartbroken turn them into "not-nice" guys...my friend once said jokingly "to every guy that went bad, there was a girl to blame" wether it be his girl/ex, his mom, aunt, sister, etc. But my question to everyone(and i thank anyone who read ALL this), is it alright being like this, is it safe, is it healthy, is it good or not good, should i continue being a cocky guy and act "not nice" as they put it even though im having a great time with life, or should i still be the nice sensitive sweet guy i used to be and let girls walk all over me and tell me that they miss the old me?? what path should i let my personality take me to? wuts better for me, as a guy who wants more women, and who wants to just be happy, and who still at the same time, wants to make all his "real" friends just as happy as he used to?

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i used to be the nice guy, ive been a really nice guy all my life, always putting others before myself, always helping everyone out, always being there for people, always being a good friend, always being nice and giving people compliments or good suggestions/help...but then occasionally it struck me that all this being nice, doesnt really help me since not EVERYONE whom i helped was always there for me when i needed them...and then i just slowly transfomed, from hearing that "nice guys finish last"...to not being exactly that nice guy anymore, choosing my friends more wisely, not kissing everyones ass, just being more "eh" with everyone whom i now consider an aquaintance...teasing people(girls) more, making fun of girls(in a playful way), acting cocky occasionally(in a playful funny way again)

 

Those are definate improvements over the wishy washy character you described yourself as earlier.

 

 

--like saying stuff like for example (girls)"yea yea watever, dont you ever in your life try to play me with that stupid excuse again" or "go ahead, do watever you want, dont talk to me again, ask me if i care" or "hold your head, dont think you're special or something cuz you're probably not" or "dont think you can talk to me however you feel like it, das just not happening"

 

Ok, those arn't improvements you actually are going back with those statements.

 

so mainly with girls im speaking, they say to me that ive become less nice, some even call me a jerk, some say ive changed, some say you dont seem to care about much anymore(which is true because i dont really let much phase me anymore), etc. As for myself, i feel great, i feel like a whole new man who has control and demand and doesnt let anyone get to him and isnt gonna get hurt again..is this wut happens, do guys getting their heartbroken turn them into "not-nice" guys...my friend once said jokingly "to every guy that went bad, there was a girl to blame" wether it be his girl/ex, his mom, aunt, sister, etc.

 

Yes, guys who believe that they have been mistreated by women go through stages such as your are going through right now.

 

The reality is that these guys really havn't been mistreated by women necessarily; they sorely mistreated and disrespected themselves and cried out victim to the users in society. They put the woman on the pedestole and before them; how is a woman going to feel an attraction to a man that does that? It doesn't happen.....

 

They think that all women are this way and treat them as such not realizing that there are many good women out there that would appreciate their goodness;if they were only willing to realize that they only had to get a little backbone, some self-respect, and some assertiveness.

 

But my question to everyone(and i thank anyone who read ALL this), is it alright being like this, is it safe, is it healthy, is it good or not good, should i continue being a cocky guy and act "not nice" as they put it even though im having a great time with life, or should i still be the nice sensitive sweet guy i used to be and let girls walk all over me and tell me that they miss the old me?? what path should i let my personality take me to? wuts better for me, as a guy who wants more women, and who wants to just be happy, and who still at the same time, wants to make all his "real" friends just as happy as he used to?

 

You might win some women by being an abusive jerk, but they will not be healthy women. There is nothing wrong with being cocky, and I think it is possible to still remain enough nice enough that you don't appear to be a pushover;if you would only strive to find where the right balance is.

 

Somewhere you will find the power to be assertive. The power to not be a doormat or a jerk; if you so desire to find the balance. I think you might actually be more successful with the right kind of women when you finally learn.

 

maybe perhaps you should read the articles listed at the website here before replying to what I have written. I think it will give you an insight into how you can still change for the better.

 

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First of all you are only 20 years old. The years between 18-22 I feel are very important to discovering your self and learning what is best for you. Developping ideals and standards. You learn what you are willing to put up with fight for and what isnt worth your time. Coming out of a long term relationship you may be going a bit over board. To be a nice guy you dont have to kiss everyones ass and play along. You dont have to agree with what everyone says or does. Just respect the fact that people have different opinions and that regardless of what you feel about the person, they are still a person. In High School I was the same way went out of my way for everyone I used to be so nice. Anyone who asked me a favor I did it for, and this isnt bad, but people tend to take advantage of you and that is not healthy for you. With the cockiness, you may have been very worried about offending people so have watched what you said very carefully not to come off as an ass, now you are learning who you are and finding your personality as an adult. People may say that you arent nice anymore but part of that may be these people were used to calling you up at 4 am and asking for a ride home because they knew you would do it and now you say no. There is no way to know the whole story, but I feel at your age it is very healthy and normal to find out who you are it makes you a stronger person. You are truly a nice guy and you will find the balance between the cockiness and doormat. When you do you know that what you find and what you have in life are the things that really make you happy. I hope this makes sense and helps. In the great words of Dr. Seuss: Be who you are and say what you think because those who mind dont matter and those who matter don't mind.

 

Good luck with Pharmacy school

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thanx i greatly appreciate your help. And you are right about having to find that balance in between, and i kinda knew i needed to get along to that midpoint, however i only got into the cocky-not so nice phase recently(like 4-5 months), and thereforeeee im still sorta enjoying it as it makes me feel good personally and powerful in a sense...with time i will learn to make a balance of it

it might seem as if im afraid of women and i degrade them, this is true to an extent, but not completely, as i do believe there are great girls to meet out there, and like i said, there is no such thing as perfect, everyone has their flaws so im not gonna be shallow and expect the girl to be everything i want

majority of the time when i am "mean" as i might put it, or just expressing myself in a forceful tone, if you hear my voice or look at my face or read my body language, you can tell im just saying it amusingly and outta love, not to be an ass..so on the inside, i am still nice in sense, only that i choose more carefully who to be TRULLY nice to.

But as you all said, it will take me time and i am still young and i am trying to figure the person i do wanna become and be comfortable and confident being, and ill just have to wait and see where that balance falls for me. Once again, thanks.

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