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involved with non-commiter...help:(


dollface33
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I'm in love with most wonderful man I know, he has all I admirer in a man.....and I just fell from heaven after 15 month together. found out he is typical non-committer. But I can't leave, still hoping he may change, though I know by now he has huge problems and I can't do anything about it. I'm stuck....scared, loosing my self-esteem, peace. I understand I must move on.......I don't know how. I just can't.

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Hey...

 

It might help if you could give a little more detail on what's happened recently to make you realize he's a CP, and what you're dealing with, so people can get a better handle on things to respond to you. Was this a sudden thing you realized, did he say something that came as a shock, or did something happen?

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ohhh, yes I should talk more about it just everything is so fresh and painful at the moment. we met on the internet 15 months ago, since than we have been chatting, sent cards, living in this box every day. Our webcams are open 24 hrs for eachother....and we have went through a lot. good and bad.....but I always thought there will be end for that madness. we made plans, talked about future, talked about what do we expect from eachother, he invited me to states cause time spent together in real life would show what we really feel and if we work well and are good for eachother. I never got visa.......but never lost my optimism either. When there is will, everything is possible I thought. He was not so exited about coming here to see me, always told that few days will not give any answers and wanted me there. I was dissappointed, but we both wanted to be together and that was all what I really saw. he was here with me. Suddenly he changed and showed me he's anger. I wasn't thoughtful enaugh, I wasn't at the same paige, I was poor communicator, I had million faults and he didn't like me anymore......and all beauty was gone. But for him love means flowing together, no work, he didn't like that feeling.....And I didn't saw the red flag. he is 44, never been married and sometimes he talks very bad about women generally. What I did? started to work with me, he always said he needs a strong, healthy woman, and my goal was to show him that not every woman on this earth is not bitch, complainer, user. My goal was to show him I'm capable to love him , make him happy. I had to learn to love me first and be happy with myself......and I'm always grateful to him that I have grown so much. I just never did it for me, I did it for us.lol. And there will be no us...I know it now. few weeks ago he started to talk about coming here....finally I can see him, hold him, kiss him for real I thought.....and then he said, he can't decide what do to. was very hard to understand for me, if he finally got vacation and he wants it as he said, how can there be any question about it? suddenly one friend was sick, other needed him, money troubel, and weather issue........he can't leave if getting cold, cause they may need him at work. I was crushed. felt I'm not even worth that.....after all this time I still wasn't good enaugh to visit me. Than he opened he's mouth and said....it's not u, it's me.....lol. He was scared. Scared about what will happen after he return. he is not ready for commitment and he thought if we spend wonderful time together I may get hurt more later. he likes to be alone and maybe someday he will change......after 15 month it was like knock down. I never waited him here with a ring, lol, just would of been one step forward for us. Why start to climb if I don't want to be on the top he said. I cried 3 days, confusion and pain was just too big.....And then he asked, did I got everything wrong? he was never walked out, he is just not sure if he want's to walk closer at the moment...lol. cheer up, our story is not ended.

I wonder why they(CP) keep doing that. seems they have hard to let go....maybe they r great manipulators, he said he doesn't want to loose me, but also told me that I should know what kind of man he is and no woman can change him, only he and time can. But as I see it....he likes it as it is. He knows he has a problem, but it doesn't bother him I guess. I'm far, I care a lot, I'm always there for him.....ofcourse he doesn't want to loose that. My mind is telling me that I must run and never look back. But how can I turn off my heart? I have always followed my heart, my intuintion........and even when we had rough times, I believed for both of us. I gave and gave , cause there was always hope.

I could wait a lifetime if I knew he wants to deal with he's past, disappointments, I would be here, support him, do whatever I have to.

Thought about being with one scares him, feels like he must eat pizza the rest of he's life, he said. And in the same time, he doesn't want to loose me and our story is not over.......Soft landing for me or is he really messed up?

worst of all.....I love him.

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In my opinion, it is always right to follow one's intuition and heart but sometimes the intuition is all for us to flee but other stronger emotions from our mind tell us to hang on, that he will change, that we cannot love as much as we do now, afraid to be alone, afraid we are making a big mistake letting him go…etc. These contribute to a lot of conflicts and thereforeeee lead you to more pain and confusion.

 

I strongly suspect that he has never been true to you. Sure his words are nice and I know there are genuine people out there in LDR, but he just isn't it. Maybe your not getting a visa is a blessing at the end. My friend left her marriage and child, arrived in a new country hoping for the big love of her life. It turned out the man who has given her so many promises never lived up to his words. He was single and he chooses to remain so with every woman he met, mostly on overseas trips and online chats. He simply cannot live up to his own environment because then the women can see through him clearly, physically and emotionally what he can never deliver. So, online relationship works best for him because there he can create an image for himself and believes in it. And it will always remain an image. I believe, that man thought he was in love with my friend because of her exotic beauty, not because of who she really is. He was in love with the image he creates around her and when reality set in, when she came to live with him, all fantasies are shattered.

 

He is right you know, he will never change. He's too stuck up in his own world and only something really major might be able to make him realize there are other ways of lives. Reality is painful but if you learn to accept it, you can let go easier through time or continue being who you are to him and accept him for who he really is

 

The choice is yours.

 

passionforliving

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Dollface,

It's easier to reason and to find faults so that we can justify everything that happened to us, but sometimes it happened to us for no reason we can fathom. There may be many reasons and excuses there, some put it to low self esteem but at times it is just pure bad luck. Nothing to do with you except you had given an honest true self and love from your heart. That is something you should be proud of.

 

I'm sorry it happened to you. But it is better now perhaps than later on when you have given up everything to be with him. Sorry for the bluntness as I too have made this mistake. But over time, when we have a distance to it, we will realize it was never meant to be and will be glad that it happened the way it had to. I was once told "We thank God for the things that He gave us, but we also must thank HIM for all the things He didn't" because if I were to stubbornly pursued on with the disastrous relationship, I wouldn't have met my husband. I wouldn't be open to new windows that gave me a wider picture.

 

To trust again (in my opinion) is to have the faith that there will be happiness for you. You cannot see it now as pain is consuming your heart, but believe in yourself that you will someday soon.

 

passionforliving

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  • 2 months later...

You ladies are pretty smart. This information should be shared. There are some guys, normal, decent guys who choose to live a compartmentalized life. As his girlfriend, you get into and stay in one compartment. When you move to another (meeting face to face, real time), it don't work so well with this sort of fellow. Darn, and some of them are so cute. Vain too.

 

But there's not much comfort in a man's vanity, unless vanity is what you want.

 

You: want full access

He wants: you in one compartment of his life only. YOu are not and will not be allowed to integrate fully with him and his life.

 

See the pity of it? What she wants is what he flees from.

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