all i'm good for -please forgive me for this sin

[sapho]

a poem is all i'm good for

words spewed in a frenzy of confusion yet calm

detachment from myself, from the man who calls me every night

the man who's voice i fall asleep listening to

calming, so comforting

but then he turns evil

that calming voice starts to tell me i'm stupid, i don't listen

one minute he's planning for my birthday tomorrow

he's got a gift for me, he'll give it to me when we meet

 

we met just before xmas, he wanted me on a sexual level

i thought that's how he wants to get to know me

so i went with the flow, the warmth, the sacredness of it

i cherish those moments always, i'm a hopeless romantic

i will not change no matter how icicle he is now

 

he wants only to be friends, what does friends mean now?

i try to rise above my base instincts, i try not to aggravate him by loving him too much

i quench my true feelings so that we can just talk in a civil manner

 

we spark like firecrackers, so intense i get chest pains, he gets chest pains

he screams, he yells, how did i do this to him?

i ask a question to show that i'm trying to get to know him - he freaks

 

last night used up the last ounce of whatever was left in me

he can't take it anymore, i haven't been able to take it since weeks ago

i feel all played out, his contrivance of a relationship over the phone because he's not into me that way,

because i'm supposed to appreciate this great gift of his friendship

i'm so lucky he's willing to even talk to me after the way we first met

 

i'm so many negative things to him, he needs to dig for all the dirt he can find on me in order to help my personal growth i need to de-block from the unresolved traumas of my dysfunctional upbringing

i'm too many bad things

i don't exist

i want to die

but i'm still alive after the carnage

i'm still my mother's daughter

i'm an adult but i'm a child - a greek tragedy - a mess - shattered

 

they say, time heals a broken heart - go away, far from the location of the crime

the crime of spearing my heart, i opened up to a man who must torment me, he didn't get the woman he wanted so i'm the only one around now so i'll do for getting even with

put the blame on mame, man - i'm the canvas - destroy me

destroy every ounce of my soul, my spirit, i'm not meaningful, i'm nothing, i don't exist

 

all those smut, taboo things that men do to a woman - you do to me

because the world is wrong, i am wrong, i am not meant to be here

i belong somewhere else, the signs are there

my birthday is my deathday

take me into your arms fatherly death - into my other life - where the pain will not harm me

 

i will come to you father death in peace - in submission to your will

i will not hurt like this ever again i submit to what is meant to be

 

i feel too much - not meant to live in this world with so much to feel

not meant to be - death is life to me - death come to me now

take me into your arms - i never existed anyway - give me something to die for - give me strength to die - take me now away into the bliss, nirvana

[girl friend]

Wow, thats beautifully written.

I could really feel the things you described, very well articulated.

 

I think you could find happiness here though, how old are you anyways?

Are you ok hun?

[sapho]

still alive

i don't want to ask a relationship question 'cause it's not a real relationship

i know the answer I'll get

stay away from him, he plays women, he has so many women who he had sex with and then decided he wanted only friendship

apparently many women have gone for this arrangement and are still his friend many years later

 

it's not healthy, he's hostile, he's angry at so much about me, but then after hours on the phone with me - all night into noon hour - then he does the old switcheroo and becomes gentle, soft - he tells me 'let's release all this tension' - he wants to masturbate over the phone

i'm mid-40's, he's 40 (that's one of his reasons why we can't be in a real relationship)

 

i'm ok about masturbating, i can enjoy it without him or any man, but of course, there are sparks between us so listening to his voice makes it very exciting, he's good at phone sex talk, he says he's never done it this way before with anyone else - only me, i sort of believe him

 

afterwards i feel more attached to him, i understand the positive aspects of a phone situation - we fight so much that i'm sure we would've hurt each other physically by now - i would've hit him and vice-versa

 

so the phone line has protected us from each other

i have no questions because it's not normal - nothing's normal about it

 

my thoughts tend toward suicide because it hurts me terribly that he doesn't adore me, that he'd throw away this opportunity to make beautiful music together, to be romantic, to try to make something of our initial moments of lustful warmth,

 

he considers himself some kind of relationship counselor telling me to date other men, trying to help me understand what a relationship means,but then he asks me every detail about my date and how i feel for the guy - so far i'm not interested in anybody else

 

i wanted a baby even though i'm older - i wanted a man without previous marriage or kids - he fit that but he's mr. short term man - mr. freak out - militant drill sargeant talker

 

sorry, to go on like this, my words change yet won't change concerning him

he's reckless with my feelings, i can't respect him after the things he's told me - it's all a mess, i want out, i'm planning to move away just to get away from him - his calls, his presense in the city

 

i'm embarrassed but yes, i'm still alive

i get panic attacks thinking about what i've allowed to happen with him

that i'm just one more of his long chain of first time sex women - friends - who've accepted less than a healthy relationship

 

i'm sick to think of how i've compromised myself

but thanks for asking

 

you're very kind for asking and not being angry at the underlying suicidal note

[girl friend]

Depression of the suicidal kind is an illness. You have got getting better, and that glaze being lifted, to look forward to, if you want to.

 

And remember, you can be happy without anyone else. You don't need a man to complete you. And you never deserve to be treated anything less than brilliantly by a guy. Remember that.

 

gf