my ex and I are getting along more should I keep going?

[bubbamackdaddy69]

Thanks again for reading everyone. Sorry if it's a long post

Well this is my dilema now. My ex-girlfriend of 3 years broke up with me 3 months ago and I took it pretty hard. I mean the first month I was begging her back and all that stuff and was only pushing her away further. By the way she started dating someone about 2 weeks after we broke up and is now still with him which still kind of hurts. After the first 1.5 months of the break up I finally told myself to stop contacting her and I did. For the first 2 months of the break up she would still contact me though to go for lunch or a coffee about once a week until I sent her a letter one day to her saying that maybe it wouldn't be the best idea right now since I still have strong feelings for her and makes it difficult for me. She stopped by about 3 weeks ago to pick up some of her stuff from my apartment of which we lived together in for 2 years and thought it was difficult but stood strong and didn't show my true feelings. Anyways for the past 2 weeks we've been talking a bit and to be honest we are really getting along, you know as friends, joking around and laughing.

On Friday she got bad news from one of her dental jobs saying that they we're laying her off. She was very upset that day as she got news about her lay-off and she had a fight with her new boyfriend that morning(She says things are ok with them now though.) Well anyways she called me twice that night, onceon Saturday and oncee on Sunday of which I answered. She asked me to meet her for a coffee that afternoon and I agreed. I was being sincere with her about her lay-off and such and since I had the copy of her resume on my work computer, I told her that I would update it and make copies for her, she thanked me and chatted a bit more then I dropped her off at her new place.

Well today she called me at work and I saw her number on my phone and didn't answer because I'm still trying to get over her and don't wanna start getting too close again. Well anyways she left a message.

She stopped by my office this afternoon which I was surprised and so we're my co-workers that know her as well. We made small talk for a bit on my break and I printed off a copy of her resume for her. We didn't chat for long because my break was ending soon and she was meeting her new boyfriend in 30 mins anyways.

So the question is, Should I keep in contact with her? I mean we are getting along now and stuff but deep down I still truly miss and love her? Lately for the past month or so I've been getting alot better around her, not as emotional and have not once called her. She has always been the one to call me..Also her birthday is coming up on Nov 28th, should get her a card or not and should I really still be talking to her and all even though that I'm getting better but deep down still love her and would go back out with her in a second? Any comments would be appreciated.

A note about our relationship..I'm 27 she's 24 and lived together for 2 years and she mentioned marriage and children often, so it was a serious adult relationship.

Thanks

[bdub]

bubba,

 

I can't tell you what the correct course of action here is. What it sounds like to me is that you still need more time to heal. You are still clinging to the hope that you will someday be together again. I don't think that hoping that is necessarily a bad thing. But you have at the very least be aware of it. You need to sit down and think very carefully about what you are feeling and what is the motivation for your actions. One statement you made in particular raised red flags when I read it. "...deep down still love her and would go back out with her in a second". That statement suggests to me that you haven't got to a point where you have accepted what has happened and haven't been emotionally removed enough from the relationship to realize that there are things that need to change. Obviously something will need to change in order for a new relationship to work out.

 

Ultimately the decision is up to you. Just be wary of getting back into the old relationship that has caused you so much pain. Don't forget about the pain that was caused just because things are beginning to look up. Make sure that you learn from this relationship.

 

Best Wishes,

bdub

[bubbamackdaddy69]

Thanks bdub.. I see what you're saying and for the most part it is true. I guess I am clinging to hope that our relationship will rekindle. To be honest I have realized and have been slowly moving on with the break up and it's getting easier for me. I've been dating this one other girl now for 6 weeks now and things are going great but deep down I still think of the ex. I guess the main reason why I feel this way is because when we were together I knew how much she loved me, I mean that she was so in love with me when we were together and always put me first in any situation and wanted to marry me, and even confessed to me that she wanted to ask me to marry her last xmas but chikened out because she knew I wasn't ready. The point is that I realize now how much potential we had but I was too stubborn and commitment shy to realize it.

I am happy that we are getting along now even though we are not together but you are right that I am clinging to hope about us getting back together. I'll probrably get more hurt this way right?

What should I do? She's still with the same guy she's been with sincec 2 weeks after our break-up but I still believe that it's a rebound relationship and that they are in the happy beginning stage still and she has not realized it yet, I still believe she got in that relationship to help herself heal better and quicker or at least that's what I think most people do soon after a break up?

[bdub]

I think you are probably right about the rebound relationship. It is extremely difficult to leave one relationship and go to a place where you feel totally alone and unsupported.

 

If you feel comfortable just being friends with this girl, then I'd say keep up what you are doing. But what were to happen if you two started seeing each other more regularly and then one day she told you, "I feel like we are getting back into a romance, and I don't want that." That would probably send you back a long way in your recovery, right? You just have to step back enough to realize that it is very possible that she doesn't want to have anything more than a friendship with you. If you can honestly say that you have thought about it and it doens't bother you, then by all means, continue your friendship. But if it doesn't sit well with you, then I'd say give it some more time before starting up a friendship with her. I'd just really hate to see you jump back into a friendship so quickly, hoping that something more will bud, and if it doesn't, having to start your grieving process over again. Possibly this time with even more pain from it happening to you twice.

 

Best Wishes,

bdub

[bubbamackdaddy69]

you're exactly right.. I'm trying my best to move on the past 2 months of the 3 months we've been broken up. I never call her and it's always her calling me, not all that much mind you but enough anyhow. I think I should stay friends with her but to take it slow. By doing this I think I can heal more and still be in contact with her a little bit to see how things can progress if it's meant to be that we get together later on even 6 months or more later. But I have to realize that maybe we will never get back together and deal with it.I think I have dealt with it somewhat but still have that little bit of hope inside me.

Like many people say, if it's meant to be then it's meant to be and we'll be back together...maybe even a year or 2 later....

[justagirl]

Hey bubba,

I agree with bdub.

if you feel you can't talk to her as much, so you can heal and figure things out, than don't answer the phone as much when she calls. Trust me, the point will come accross eventually. Don't alieniate her from your life, especially if you want there to be a possiblity for you 2 in the future, but keep it simple between you 2. Don't base the friendship though on the possibility of you 2 getting back together. You'll most likely end up hurt. If her and her rebound break up, don't be by her side too much. If you do get too involved with comforting her, she'll use you as a rebound to the relationship she just got out of. Don't let yourself get hurt.

Hope all goes well,

Justagirl

[bubbamackdaddy69]

Thanks justagirl..

I know what you mean about not answering the phone much. And to be honest I haven't.. I answer about once out of every 10 times she calls. I do trty to avoid her as much as I can but at times I do wanna see her..

I'm in a weird situation at this point.. I;m slowly moving on but still have that hope...

[justagirl]

yeah, I understand about the weird situation, all you can really do now is go day by day. Looking forward wont get you very far...and the only time you should look back is to try to resolve what happened for you 2 to break up, other than that, no looking back. Keep doing what you are doing and you'll be better in the end.

Justagirl

[bubbamackdaddy69]

Thanks....

I'm trying to do just that. I've been dating this girl for the past 6 weeks but feel bad as it's not fair to the new girl as I think of the ex alot...

Like you said take it day by day.. It's the best route for me now anyways...

But why does she still call me once in a while, like every 2 weeks? She has a new boyfriend and has moved on supposively???

What does she really want from me? Only a friendship?

[justagirl]

Does the girl you're with know that you aren't totally over your ex?

Your ex feels comfortable talking to you, and since she broke up with you she probably feels its fine for her to call and try to be friends. But I can't tell you exactly why shes calling, no one can...she is the only one that knows her true intentions. Just don't let her drag you along, you don't want to be on the back burner for when, if, she breaks up with her recent boyfriend. Do you honestly believe she has moved on? Just do day by day and don't analyze things too much. Keep it simple in your head and it'll feel better after awhile. Sooner or later you'll find out what is going on with your ex, but as of now, try to worry about you and what you're feeling, instead of her and what she's thinking. Fix yourself before you fix you and her.

[bubbamackdaddy69]

No the new girl doesn't know that I'm not totally over the ex... I would feel weak telling her that..

Yeah I have no real clue what the ex girlfriend's intentions are with me?Trying to be friends honestly or keeping me on the backburner or still deep down loves me and can't let go fully?

It's confusing...

[justagirl]

I'm not saying tell the new girl about the feelings...it would just hurt her.

I hope you find out what the ex is thinking though. I know you will eventually. and being confused...sucks big time...it'll pass or ease up when you are done with your part of the healing and such

Justagirl

[bubbamackdaddy69]

yeah I know... thanks for the advice...

Just wish I knew what she was thinking.... She must realize that we cannot be real close friends so soon after a break up especially when she is dating someone else now??

[bdub]

bubba,

 

If you have not told this person how much it hurts for you to hear from her all the time, then how is she to know. I mean you are sending all the signals, from the sounds of things. But she may not be able to receive them. Just a thought.

 

She may not understand how painful it is to try to be friends soon after the break up. She isn't feeling the same way, apparently. Feelings aren't something that you can think about and understand. They must be felt first hand. If she has never gone through it, she won't know how painful it is for you.

 

Be patient and keep up the no contact thing. I'd even suggest cutting contact altogether, if you are left feeling drained and emotionally hurt everytime you talk with her. It doesn't have to be permanent, but make sure you don't try starting up contact again until you are ready to deal with the potentially painful conversations again. You will know when you are more emotionally centered enough to talk with her. You will be able to think of the time you had, without being hyper emotional about it, sending you into a crying slump for several hours. When you have let go, then it is time to consider more contact, if it is still what you want.

 

Best Wishes,

bdub