How to deal with outsiders comments

[lonelygemini]

Ok, I have female acquaintances that always make comments about my relationships. Of course, there’s a “problem” with this one too. I have one female true friend, and she doesn’t make judgments about my bf even though she knows more about the ups and downs of our relationship than anyone else.

 

For my current relationship, my female associates look down on my bf because he’s a student and working temp jobs. I have my degree and I’m working corporate, but I’m comfortable with him because I know his situation. He was taking care of his mom after his dad died and quit school—just like I recently quit a job and moved to take care of my mom after my dad died this past year. I just happened to find a better job within my quick move. After that, he was dating someone and got engaged and was taking care of her son full time while she was working and going to school. After they broke up, he went back to school and started working temp jobs.

 

These associates have to nerve to ask me “Oh, do you pay for everything?” “How does he make money?” “You can do so much better”. They don’t even know what’s going on and I don’t even want to bother with the details like I gave y’all. The thing they have in common is that they are my age or younger, they either don’t have a man (or they have crazy man problems), and none of them have a degree as advanced as mine and they don’t have a “good job” like me either. Are they jealous?

 

My mom and brothers are usually blunt about whoever I date, and all they say about him is that they hope he stays on task to finish school. They don't ask who pays for what.

 

I guess what I’m asking is, how do you deal with the negative comments from associates? I limit my contact as it is, but whenever I do contact the female associates, they always want to put in a comment. I would like to be direct, but not nasty. Thanks in advance.

[Kantriakhor]

Put it to them clearly that unless they have something nice to say, then they shouldn't say anything at all. Friends and even acquaintances are supposed to build you up, not tear you down with doubt.

[DN]

These associates have to nerve to ask me “Oh, do you pay for everything?” “How does he make money?” “You can do so much better”.

These are women who judge a man by how much money he makes. Just tell them that you don't and prefer to be with a man who is kind, faces up to his family responsibilities and loves kids.

[notsoanonymous]

Honestly, why do people nowdays have so little respect for the privacy of others? Those types of comments even 30 years ago would have rendered an entire room silent if said loudly enough. Rude, rude...

 

As much as I agree that those you have near by you should not be tearing you down, telling others to mind their own business is never as easy as it sounds.

 

However, here are a few suggestions:

 

When asked about his income, ask about theirs. A simple "Well how much do you make annually?" to a coworker or acquaintence might shut them down quickly.

 

And the next time a person tells you that you could do better, I would turn around and say, "I highly doubt it, considering my boyfriend gave up his life and college plans in order to care for a dying parent - I consider myself lucky to be with a man who is that selfless."

 

Sometimes people don't mean to be rude - but will change their tune once you shift their focus back to themselves or to something positive about your man's situation.

 

GL - I feel for you.

[Darkness_Falls]

These girls are jealous of you. They have to put you down in order to make themselves feel better. They probably are not fulfilled in their lives and are annoyed that you have a good job and a loving boyfriend while they are probably in reality more "mediocre" at the moment. And their lives may also contain the petty drama of "crazy man problems".

 

I have one friend who has confessed to me how unhappy she is with her fiancee and her life. She doesn't want to be a wife and mother, and dislikes that she has settled down so early in life when she still craves to be single and partying and looking for "the one". Some months back, before she confessed this to me, I was single. She asked about what I was up to etc so I told her, I wasn't rubbing her face in my single life or anything, just telling her about a few hook ups. And she text me saying "Whilst I am gaining responsibilities in my life like being a wife and mother, you appear to be losing all yours" and started to rant about how irresponsible I am for one night stands etc. When back in the day that was what she was like too! She was just taking it out on me that she couldn't do those things anymore, and now confesses how she longs to be like that again. Makes sense?

 

So these girls are just trying to pick away at your life because they feel bad about their own. This may be a nasty tactic, but sometimes it feels good to rub it in slightly about how happy you are with your life, the good things about it. I definitely agree with what notsoanonymous said:

 

And the next time a person tells you that you could do better, I would turn around and say, "I highly doubt it, considering my boyfriend gave up his life and college plans in order to care for a dying parent - I consider myself lucky to be with a man who is that selfless."

 

They don't need to know the ins and outs of your relationship, it's none of their business. Just let them know the good bits and ignore the silly negative comments they make and smile to yourself that you have a good job and boyfriend, who does indeed sound very selfless.

[knightNshiningarmor]

haha id simply say i love him and he loves me i only hope you can find the same. thats that.

 

or if your not to that point yet then you can just tell them that i judge people not by their salaries but by their character.. or something along those lines..because jobs die money leaves but someones essense is their own and their own for good. thats what you fall in love with.. not their job or title.

[ghost69]

it's kind of disrespectful. all of my guy friends don't comment on my gfs until they are out of the picture out of respect. if they speak like this they can be trying to protect you from a jerk. but at the same time, it could be jealousy.

[lonelygemini]

Thank you everyone for your replies! They really give me something to work with. I really like notsoanonymous' suggestion. I hate saying stuff that always seems like I'm defeding or falls flat. I too think it's so rude to comment about something private, but I guess I need to be a little more firm and not so nice.